Living My Life

Alpha Material: In Appreciation

Suggestions that I write my memoirs came to me when I had barely begun to live, and continued all through the years. But I never paid heed to the proposal. I was living my life intensely -- what need to write about it? Another reason for my reluctance was the conviction I entertained that one should write about one's life only when one had ceased to stand in the very torrent of it. "When one has reached a good philosophic age," I used to tell my friends, "capable of viewing the tragedies and comedies of life impersonally and detachedly -- particularly one's own life -- one is likely to create an autobiography worth while." Still feeling adolescently young in spite of advancing years, I did not consider myself competent to undertake such a t... (From: Anarchy Archives.)

Volume 1, Chapter 1

Living My Life by Emma Goldman Volume one New York: Alfred A Knopf Inc.,1931. Chapter 1 It was the 15th of August 1889, the day of my arrival in New York City. I was twenty years old. All that had happened in my life until that time was now left behind me, cast off like a worn-out garment. A new world was before me, strange and terrifying. But I had youth, good health, and a passionate ideal. Whatever the new held in store for me I was determined to meet unflinchingly. How well I remember that day! It was a Sunday. The West Shore train, the cheapest, which was all I could afford, had brought me from Rochester, New York, reaching Weehawken at eight o'clock in the morning. Thence I came by ferry to New York City. I had no friends th... (From: Anarchy Archives.)

Volume 1, Chapter 2

Living My Life by Emma Goldman Volume one New York: Alfred A Knopf Inc., 1931. Chapter 2 I had worked in factories before, in St. Petersburg. In the winter of 1882, when my Mother, my two little brothers, and I came from Königsberg to join Father in the Russian capital, we found that he had lost his position. He had been manager of his cousin's dry goods store; but, shortly before our arrival, the business failed. The loss of his job was a tragedy to our family, as Father had not managed to save anything. The only bread-winner left was Helena. Mother was forced to turn to her brothers for a loan. The three hundred rubles they advanced were invested in a grocery store. The business yielded little at first, and is became neces... (From: Anarchy Archives.)

Volume 1, Chapter 3

Living My Life by Emma Goldman Volume one New York: Alfred A Knopf Inc., 1931. Chapter 3 Helen Ninkin was away at work. Anna was out of a job just then. She prepared tea, and we sat down to talk. Berkman inquired about my plans for work, for activity in the movement. Would I like to visit the Freiheit office? Could he be of help in any way? He was free to take me about, he said; he had left his job after a fight with the foreman. "A slave-driver," he commented; "he never dared drive me, but it was my duty to stand up for the others in the shop." It was rather slack now in the cigar-making trade, he informed us, but as an anarchist he could not stop to consider his own job. Nothing personal mattered. Only the Cause mattered. Fighti... (From: Anarchy Archives.)

Volume 1, Chapter 4

Living My Life by Emma Goldman Volume one New York: Alfred A Knopf Inc., 1931. Chapter 4 The 11th of November was approaching, the anniversary of the Chicago martyrdoms. Sasha and I were busy with preparations for the great event of so much significance to us. Cooper Union had been secured for the commemoration. The meeting was to be held jointly by anarchists and socialists, with the cooperation of advanced labor organizations. Every evening for several weeks we visited various trade unions to invite them to participate. This involved short talks from the floor, which I made. I always went in trepidation. On previous occasions, at German and Jewish lectures, I had mustered up courage to ask questions, but every time I would... (From: Anarchy Archives.)

Volume 1, Chapter 5

Living My Life by Emma Goldman Volume one New York: Alfred A Knopf Inc., 1931. Chapter 5 I had begged Most not to give the time of my arrival to the German Union in Rochester, before which I was to speak. I wanted to see my beloved sister Helena first. I had written her about my coming, but not the purpose of my visit. She met me at the station and we clung to each other as if we had been separated for decades. I explained to Helena my mission in Rochester. She stared at me open-mouthed. How could I undertake such a thing, face an audience? I had been away only six months; what could I have learned in such a brief time? Where did I get the courage? And in Rochester, of all cities! Our parents would never get over the shock. ... (From: Anarchy Archives.)

Volume 1, Chapter 6

Living My Life by Emma Goldman Volume one New York: Alfred A Knopf Inc., 1931. Chapter 6 Most had told me that he was planning a short lecture tour through the New England States. Now he informed me that he was about to leave, and he invited me to accompany him. He said that I looked worn and thin and that a change of scene would do me good. I promised to consider his invitation. The boys urged me to go; Fedya stressed the need of getting away from household duties, while Sasha said it would help me to get acquainted with the comrades and open up a way for further activities. Two weeks later I went with Most by the Fall River Line to Boston. I had never before seen such a spacious, luxurious boat, such cozy state-rooms; min... (From: Anarchy Archives.)

Volume 1, Chapter 7

Living My Life by Emma Goldman Volume one New York: Alfred A Knopf Inc., 1931. Chapter 7 At the International Socialist Congress held in Paris in 1889 the decision had been made to turn the first of May into a world-wide holiday of labor. The idea caught the imagination of the progressive workers in every land. The birth of spring was to mark the reawakening of the masses to new efforts for emancipation. In this year, 1891, the decision of the Congress was to find wide application. On the first of May the toilers were to lay down their tools, stop their machines, leave the factories and mines. In festive attire they were to demonstrate with their banners, marching to the inspiring strains of revolutionary music and song. Ever... (From: Anarchy Archives.)

Volume 1, Chapter 8

Living My Life by Emma Goldman Volume one New York: Alfred A Knopf Inc.,1931. Chapter 8 It was May 1892. News from Pittsburgh announced that trouble had broken out between the Carnegie Steel Company and its employes organized in the Amalgamated Association of Iron and Steel Workers. It was one of the biggest and most efficient labor bodies of the country, consisting mostly of Americans, men of decision and grit, who would assert their rights. The Carnegie Company, on the other hand, was a powerful corporation, known as a hard master. It was particularly significant that Andrew Carnegie, its president, had temporarily turned over the entire management to the company's chairman, Henry Clay Frick, a man known for his enmity to l... (From: Anarchy Archives.)

Volume 1, Chapter 9

Living My Life by Emma Goldman Volume one New York: Alfred A Knopf Inc., 1931. Chapter 9 Since our return to New York I had not been able to look for work. The tension of the weeks since Sasha's departure, my desperate struggle against letting him go alone, my street adventure, together with the misery I felt for having deceived Helena, completely upset me. My condition was aggravated now by the agonizing wait for Saturday, July 23, the date set by Sasha for his act. I grew restless and aimlessly walked about in the July heat, spending the evenings in Zum Groben Michel, the nights at Sachs's café. In the early afternoon of Saturday, July 23, Fedya rushed into my room with a newspaper. There it was, in large black lette... (From: Anarchy Archives.)

Volume 1, Chapter 10

Living My Life by Emma Goldman Volume one New York: Alfred A Knopf Inc.,1931. Chapter 10 When I returned to New York two days later, having been discharged by the Baltimore police magistrate with a strong admonition never again to come back to the city, a letter from Sasha was awaiting me. It was written in very small but distinct script and gave the details of the Monday in court. He had repeatedly tried to learn the date of his trial, the letter read, but he could not procure any information about it. On the morning of the 19th he was suddenly ordered to get ready. He had barely time to gather up the sheets of his speech. Strange and antagonistic faces met him in the court-room. In vain he strained his eye for the sight of his f... (From: Anarchy Archives.)

Volume 1, Chapter 11

Living My Life by Emma Goldman Volume One New York: Alfred A Knopf Inc., 1931. Chapter 11 Our work for the commutation of Sasha's sentence continued. At one of our weekly Meetings, in the latter part of December, I became conscious of the steady gaze of a man in the audience. He was tall and broad, well built, with soft blond hair and blue eyes. I particularly noticed the peculiar motion of his right leg, swinging back and forth regularly, while his hand kept steadily playing with matches. His monotonous movements were making me drowsy and I repeatedly had to rouse myself with an effort. Finally I walked over to the man and playfully took the matches away from him, remarking: "Children are not allowed to play with fire." "All right... (From: Anarchy Archives.)

Volume 1, Chapter 12

Living My Life by Emma Goldman Volume One New York: Alfred A Knopf Inc., 1931. Chapter 12 I was called before the head matron, a tall woman with A stolid face. She began taking my pedigree. "What religion?" was her first question. "None, I am an atheist...... Atheism is prohibited here. You will have to go to church." I replied that I would do nothing, of the kind. I did not believe in anything the Church stood for and, not being a hypocrite, I would not attend. Besides, I came from Jewish people. Was there a synagogue? She said curtly that there were services for the Jewish convicts on Saturday afternoon, but as I was the only Jewish female prisoner, she could not permit me to go among so many men. After a bath and a change into... (From: Anarchy Archives.)

Volume 1, Chapter 13

Living My Life by Emma Goldman Volume One New York: Alfred A Knopf Inc.,1931. Chapter 13 The days and weeks that followed my release were like a nightmare. I needed quiet, peace, and privacy after my prison experience, but I was surrounded by people, and there were meetings nearly every evening. I lived in a daze: everything around me seemed incongruous and unreal. My thoughts continued in captivity; my fellow convicts haunted my waking and sleeping hours, and the prison noises kept ringing in my ears. The command "Close!" followed by the crash of iron doors and the clank-clank of the chains, pursued me when I faced an audience. The strangest experience I had was at the meeting arranged to welcome me on my release. It took place i... (From: Anarchy Archives.)

Volume 1, Chapter 14

Living My Life by Emma Goldman Volume One New York: Alfred A Knopf Inc.,1931. Chapter 14 Outdoor meetings in America are rare, their atmosphere always surcharged with impending clashes between the audience and the police. Not so in England. Here the right to assemble constantly in the open is an institution. It has become a British habit, like bacon for breakfast. The most opposing ideas and creeds find expression in the parks and squares of English cities. There is nothing to cause undue excitement and there is no display of armed force. The lone bobby on the outskirts of the crowd is there as a matter of form; it is not his duty to disperse meetings or club the people. The social center of the masses is the out-of-door meeting i... (From: Anarchy Archives.)

Volume 1, Chapter 15

Living My Life by Emma Goldman Volume one New York: Alfred A Knopf Inc.,1931. Chapter 15 A Renaissance was now taking place in Anarchist ranks; greater activity was being manifested than at any time since 1887, especially among American adherents. Solidarity, an English publication started in 1892 by S. Merlino and suspended later on, reappeared in ’94, gathering about itself a number of very able Americans. Among them were John Edelman, William C. Owen, Charles B. Cooper, Miss Van Etton, an energetic trade-unionist, and a number of others. A social science club was organized, with weekly lectures. The work attracted considerable attention among the intelligent native element, not failing, of course, also to call forth v... (From: Anarchy Archives.)

Volume 1, Chapter 16

Living My Life by Emma Goldman Volume one New York: Alfred A Knopf Inc.,1931. Chapter 16 My first stop was Philadelphia, I had visited the city many times since my arrest in 1893, always addressing Jewish audiences. On this occasion I was invited to lecture in English before several American organizations. While in the City of Brotherly Love I stayed at the house of Miss Perle McLeod, the president of the Ladies' Liberal League. I should have preferred the warmer hospitality of my old friend Natasha Notkin, with whom I felt at home, in the congenial atmosphere of my Russian comrades, but it had been suggested that the apartment of Miss McLeod was more accessible to the Americans who would want to meet me. The meetings were not ba... (From: Anarchy Archives.)

Volume 1, Chapter 17

Living My Life by Emma Goldman Volume One New York: Alfred A Knopf Inc.,1931. Chapter 17 Equipped with a dozen carefully prepared lectures and supplied with a sample of the invention, I started out full of hope to win converts to our Cause and orders for the new album. My perentage on the sales would help to pay my traveling expenses, relieving me of the unpleasant necessity of the comrades supporting my tours. Charles Shilling, a Philadelphia anarchist, whom I had met on my previous visits in that city, had undertaken all arrangements for my lectures and had also invited me to stay with his family. Both he and Mrs. Shilling were charming hosts, and Charles a most effective organizer. In six large meetings I s... (From: Anarchy Archives.)

Volume 1, Chapter 18

Living My Life by Emma Goldman Volume One New York: Alfred A Knopf Inc., 1931. Chapter 18 America had declared war with Spain. The news was not unexpected. For several months preceding, press and pulpit were filled with the call to arms in defense of the victims of Spanish atrocities in Cuba. I was profoundly in sympathy with the Cuban and Philippine rebels who were striving to throw off the Spanish yoke. In fact, I had worked with some of the members of the Junta engaged in underground activities to secure freedom for the Philippine Islands. But I had no faith whatever in the patriotic protestations of America as a disinterested and noble agency to help the Cubans. It did not require much political wisdom to see that America's con... (From: Anarchy Archives.)

Volume 1, Chapter 19

Living My Life by Emma Goldman Volume One New York: Alfred A Knopf Inc., 1931. Chapter 19 The first stop on my tour was in Barre, Vermont. The active group there consisted of Italians employed mostly in the stone-quarries which furnished the principal industry of the city. Very little time was left me for introspection into my personal life; there were numerous meetings, debates, private gatherings, and discussions. I found generous hospitality with my host, Palavicini, a comrade who had worked together with me in the textile strike in Summit. He was a cultivated man, well-informed not only on the international labor movement but also on the new tendencies in Italian art and letters. At the same time I met also Luigi Galleani, the ... (From: Anarchy Archives.)

Volume 1, Chapter 20

Living My Life by Emma Goldman Volume One New York: Alfred A Knopf Inc., 1931. Chapter 20 At the height of my California activities a letter came that shattered my visions of harmonious love: Max wrote me that he and his comrade "Puck" were about to go abroad together, financed by a friend. I laughed aloud at the folly of my hopes. After the failure with Ed how could I have dreamed of love and understanding with anyone else? Love and happiness --- empty, meaningless words, vain reaching out for the unattainable. I felt robbed by life, defeated in my yearning for a beautiful relationship. I still had my ideal to live for, as I consoled myself, and the work I had set myself to do. Why expect more from life? But where get strength and... (From: Anarchy Archives.)

Volume 1, Chapter 21

Living My Life by Emma Goldman Volume One New York: Alfred A Knopf Inc., 1931. Chapter 21 The war madness in england was so great, some of the comrades informed me, that it would be almost impossible to deliver my lectures as had been planned. Harry Kelley was of the same opinion. "Why not hold anti-war mass meetings?" I suggested. I referred to the splendid gatherings we had in America during the Spanish War. Now and then there had been attempts at interference, and several lectures had to be given up, but on the whole we had been able to carry through our campaign. Harry thought, however, that it would be impossible in England. His description of violent attacks on speakers (the jingo spirit being at its height) and of meetings b... (From: Anarchy Archives.)

Volume 1, Chapter 22

Living My Life by Emma Goldman Volume one New York: Alfred A Knopf Inc., 1931. Chapter 22 A letter from Carl Stone unexpectedly changed my plans regarding the study of medicine. "I thought it was understood when you left for Europe, he wrote, "that you were to go to Switzerland to study medicine. It was solely for that purpose that Herman and I offered to give you an allowance. I now learn that you are at your old propaganda and with a new lover. Surely you do not expect us to support you with either. I am interested only in E. G. the woman her ideas have no meaning whatever to me. Please choose." I wrote back at once: "E. G. the woman and her ideas are inseparable. She does not exist for the amusement of upstarts, nor will she per... (From: Anarchy Archives.)

Volume 1, Chapter 23

Living My Life by Emma Goldman Volume one New York: Alfred A Knopf Inc.,1931. Chapter 23 Directly I was settled in my new room, I went to see Justus Schwab. I found him in bed, a mere shadow of his former self. A lump rose in my throat at the sight of our giant so wasted. I knew that Mrs. Schwab worked very hard taking care of the saloon and I begged her to let me nurse Justus. She promised, though she was sure that the sick man would have no one attend him but herself. We were all aware of the tender relationship that existed between Justus and his family. His wife had been his companion all through the years. She had always been the picture of health, but Justus's illness, worry, and overwork were visibly telling on her; she had lo... (From: Anarchy Archives.)

Volume 1, Chapter 24

Living My Life by Emma Goldman Volume one New York: Alfred A Knopf Inc.,1931. Chapter 24 Buffalo was pressing for my extradition, but Chicago asked for authentic data on the case. I had already been given several hearings in court, and on each occasion the District Attorney from Buffalo had presented much circumstantial evidence to induce the State of Illinois to surrender me. But Illinois demanded direct proofs. There was a hitch somewhere that helped to cause more delays. I thought it likely that Chief of Police O'Neill was behind the matter. The Chief's attitude towards me had changed the behavior of every officer in the Harrison Street Police Station. The matron and the two policemen assigned to watch my cell began to lavish att... (From: Anarchy Archives.)

Volume 1, Chapter 25

Living My Life by Emma Goldman Volume one New York: Alfred A Knopf Inc.,1931. Chapter 25 It was bitter hard to face life anew. In the stress of the past weeks I had forgotten that I should again have to take up the struggle for existence. It was doubly imperative; I needed forgetfulness. Our movement had lost its appeal for me; many of its adherents filled me with loathing. They had been flaunting anarchism like a red cloth before a bull, but they ran to cover at his first charge. I could no longer work with them. Still more harrowing was the gnawing doubt of the values I had so fervently believed in. No, I could not continue in the movement. I must first take stock of my own self. Intensive work in my profession, I felt, was the onl... (From: Anarchy Archives.)

Volume 1, Chapter 26

Living My Life by Emma Goldman Volume one New York: Alfred A Knopf Inc.,1931. Chapter 26 The anti-Anarchist immigration law was at last smuggled through Congress, and thereafter no person disbelieving in organized government was to be permitted to enter the United States. Under its provisions men like Tolstoy, Kropotkin, Spencer, or Edward Carpenter could be excluded from the hospitable shores of America. Too late did the lukewarm liberals realize the peril of this law to advanced thought. Had they opposed in a concerted manner the activities of the reactionary element, the statute might not have been passed. The immediate result of this new assault on American liberties, however, was a very decided change of attitude towards anarchi... (From: Anarchy Archives.)

Volume 1, Chapter 27

Living My Life by Emma Goldman Volume one New York: Alfred A Knopf Inc., 1931. Chapter 27 Memories of my former life with ed filled me with longing for what had again been just within my reach, only snatched away. Recollections of the past compelled me to look into scene the most hidden crevices of my being; their strange contradictions tore me between my hunger for love and my inability to have it for long. It was not only the finality of death, as in the case of Ed, nor the circumstances that had robbed me of Sasha in the springtime of our lives, that always came between. There were other forces at work to deny me permanency in love. Were they part of some passionate yearning in me that no man could completely fulfill or were they ... (From: Anarchy Archives.)

Volume 1, Chapter 28

Living My Life by Emma Goldman Volume one New York: Alfred A Knopf Inc., 1931. Chapter 28 For a number of years the friends of Russian freedom, an American group, had been doing admirable work in enlightening the country about the nature of Russian absolutism. Now that society was inactive and the splendid efforts of the radical Yiddish press were confined entirely to the East Side. The sinister propaganda carried on in America by the representatives of the Czar through the Russian Church, the Consulate, and the New York Herald, under the ownership of James Gordon Bennett, was widespread. These forces combined to picture the autocrat as a kindhearted dreamer not responsible for the evils in his land, while the Russian revolutionists ... (From: Anarchy Archives.)

Volume 1, Chapter 29

Living My Life by Emma Goldman Volume one New York: Alfred A Knopf Inc., 1931. Chapter 29 The news of the Russian Revolution of October 1905 was electrifying and carried us to ecstatic heights. The many tremendous events that had happened since the massacre in front of the Winter Palace had kept us in far-away America in constant tension. Kalayev and Balmashov, members of the Fighting Organization of the Social Revolutionary Party, had taken the lives of Grand Duke Sergius and Shipiaghin in retaliation for the butchery of January 22. Those acts had been followed by a general strike throughout the length and breadth of Russia, participated in by large sections from every stratum in society. Even the most insulted and degraded human ... (From: Anarchy Archives.)

Volume 1, Chapter 30

Living My Life by Emma Goldman Volume one New York: Alfred A Knopf Inc., 1931. Chapter 30 My office lease was about to expire, and from some remarks of the janitor I gathered that it would not be renewed. I was not disturbed, as I had decided to discontinue massaging. I could not attend to all the work myself and I did not care to exploit help. Moreover, Mother Earth was requiring all my time. The friends who had enabled me to open the beauty parlor were indignant at my giving it up when it was beginning to show success. I had paid my debts and I even had a little surplus on hand. The experience I had gained and the people I had met were worth much more than material returns. Now I would be free, free from disguise and subterfuge. ... (From: Anarchy Archives.)

Volume 1, Chapter 31

Living My Life by Emma Goldman Volume one New York: Alfred A Knopf Inc., 1931. Chapter 31 Our hearings on the charge of criminal anarchy were repeatedly postponed and finally dropped altogether. That set me free to start on my projected tour to the Coast, the first since 1897. Before I had gone very far, my meetings were stopped by the police in three cities--Columbus, Toledo, and Detroit. The action of the authorities in Toledo was especially reprehensible because the Mayor, Brand Whitlock, was supposed to be a man of advanced ideas, known as a Tolstoyan and "philosophical" anarchist. I had met a number of American individualists who called themselves philosophical anarchists. On closer acquaintance they invariably prov... (From: Anarchy Archives.)

Volume 1, Chapter 32

Living My Life by Emma Goldman Volume one New York: Alfred A Knopf Inc., 1931. Chapter 32 All through the winter of 1907 and 1908 the country was in the grip of financial depression. Thousands of workers in every large city were idle, in poverty and misery. The authorities, instead of devising ways and means to feed the starving, aggravated the appalling conditions by interfering with every attempt to discuss the causes of the crisis. The Italian and Jewish anarchists in Philadelphia had called a meeting for the purpose. Voltairine de Cleyre and Harry Weinberg, an eloquent Yiddish agitator, addressed the gathering. Someone in the audience urged a demonstration in front of the City Hall to demand work. The speakers advised ag... (From: Anarchy Archives.)

Volume 1, Chapter 33

Living My Life by Emma Goldman Volume one New York: Alfred A Knopf Inc., 1931. Chapter 33 While my meetings were being suppressed in Chicago, Sasha was subjected to similar persecution in the East. His lectures were stopped in a number of cities in Massachusetts, and the Union Square demonstrations of the unemployed at which he presided were forcibly dispersed by the police. I was worried about Sasha and wired him to let me know whether it was necessary for me to return to New York. The next morning I read in the newspapers that a bomb had exploded at Union Square, and that Alexander Berkman was arrested in connection with it. I forgot our disagreements. Sasha was in trouble, and I not at his side to help and ... (From: Anarchy Archives.)

Volume 1, Chapter 34

Living My Life by Emma Goldman Volume one New York: Alfred A Knopf Inc., 1931. Chapter 34 In planning our tour to take place during the presidential campaign we had overlooked the interest of the American masses in the political circus. The result was failure of the initial part our trip. In Indianapolis, the first city to bring out a large attendance, my lecture was suppressed in the usual manner. The Mayor expressed regret that the police had overstepped their powers, but of course he could not act against the department. The Chief said that stopping the meeting might have been bad law, but that it was good common sense. We were more fortunate in St. Louis, where we experienced no interference. There I met William Mar... (From: Anarchy Archives.)

Volume 1, Chapter 35

Living My Life by Emma Goldman Volume one New York: Alfred A Knopf Inc., 1931. Chapter 35 I needed a rest badly, but, our tour this time having brought us more glory than cash, I could not afford to take it. In fact, we were so short of funds that we were compelled to reduce the size of Mother Earth from sixty-four to thirty-two pages. Our financial condition made it necessary for me to start lecturing again. Ben joined me in New York in the latter part of March, and by the 15th of April he had succeeded in organizing for me a series of lectures on the drama. All went well at first, but May proved to be a record-breaker. During that month I was stopped by the police in eleven different places. I had had similar experiences before... (From: Anarchy Archives.)

Volume 1, Chapter 36

Living My Life by Emma Goldman Volume one New York: Alfred A Knopf Inc., 1931. Chapter 36 In the latter part of 1909 New York again experienced a vice crusade. The reformers had discovered the white-slave traffic! They got busy, though they were without the slightest notion regarding the sources of the evil they were trying to eradicate. I had had considerable opportunity to come in contact with prostitution; first in the house in which I was once compelled to live, then during the two years when I nursed Mrs. Spenser, and finally at Blackwell's Island. I had also read and gathered much material on the subject. I therefore felt much better equipped to discuss the problem than the moral busybodies who were now attracting so much a... (From: Anarchy Archives.)

Volume 1, Chapter 37

Living My Life by Emma Goldman Volume one New York: Alfred A Knopf Inc., 1931. Chapter 37 May 18, the day of Sasha's resurrection, remained graven on my heart, although my yearly tours had always prevented my being with him on the anniversary of his release. In a spiritual sense, however, neither space nor time could separate me from Sasha or make me forget the day I had longed and worked for throughout the years of his imprisonment. On May 18 this year a telegram from him found me in Los Angeles. It filled me with great joy, for it brought the news that he had determined to begin his prison memoirs. I had often urged him to write them, believing that if he could re-create his prison life on paper, it might help him to get ri... (From: Anarchy Archives.)

Volume 1, Chapter 38

Living My Life by Emma Goldman Volume one New York: Alfred A Knopf Inc., 1931. Chapter 38 The McNamara drama, staged in the courts of Los Angeles, held the entire country in tense anticipation and then came to a sudden farcical end. The McNamaras confessed! Unexpectedly, to everyone's amazement, they pleaded guilty to the charges on which they were being tried. The reactionary press was jubilant; the Merchants' and Manufacturers' Association; Harrison Gray Otis, William J. Burns, and their crew of spies, whose mission it was to send these men to their death, now offered fervent thanks for the lucky turn affairs had taken. Had they not from the first proclaimed the McNamara brothers anarchists and dynamiters? The prosecution ... (From: Anarchy Archives.)

Volume 2, Chapter 39

Living My Life by Emma Goldman Volume two New York: Alfred A Knopf Inc., 1931. Chapter 39 On my return east I learned of the death of Voltairine De Cleyre. Her end affected me very deeply; her whole life had been a continuous chain of suffering. Death had come after an operation for an abscess on the brain which had impaired her memory. A second operation, her friends had been informed, would have deprived her of the power of speech. Voltairine, always stoical in pain, preferred death. Her end, on June 19, was a great loss to our movement and to those who valued her strong personality and unusual talents. In compliance with her last request Voltairine was buried in Waldheim Cemetery, near the graves of our Chicago comrades. ... (From: Anarchy Archives.)

Volume 2, Chapter 40

Living My Life by Emma Goldman Volume two New York: Alfred A Knopf Inc., 1931. Chapter 40 At last we were installed in our new quarters. Ben and Miss Fitzgerald were in charge of the office, Rhoda of the house, while Sasha and I took care of the magazine. With each one busy in his own sphere, the differences in character and attitude had more scope for expression without mutual invasiveness. We all found "Fitzi," as we called our new coworker, a most charming woman, and Rhoda also liked her, though she often took delight in shocking our romantic friend by her peppery jokes and stories. Ben was happy to have his mother with him. She had two sons, but her entire world was centered in Ben. Her mental horizon was very narrow; sh... (From: Anarchy Archives.)

Volume 2, Chapter 41

Living My Life by Emma Goldman Volume two New York: Alfred A Knopf Inc.,1931. Chapter 41 The train was speeding towards Chicago. My heart was outwinging it, all aflutter with the yearning to join Ben at last. I was scheduled to deliver twelve lectures and give a drama course in the city. During my stay I came upon the new literary publication called the Little Review, and shortly afterwards I met its editor, Margaret C. Anderson. I felt like a desert wanderer who unexpectedly discovers a stream of fresh water. At last a magazine to sound a note of rebellion in creative endeavor! The Little Review lacked clarity on social questions, but it was alive to new art forms and was free from the mawkish sentimentality of most American publ... (From: Anarchy Archives.)

Volume 2, Chapter 42

Living My Life by Emma Goldman Volume two New York: Alfred A Knopf Inc.,1931. Chapter 42 Helena and our young folks in Rochester always brought me back to that city even when I did not have to lecture there. This year there were additional reasons for visiting my hometown: an opportunity to speak on the war, and the great family event of David Hochstein's first concert with the local symphony orchestra. The Victoria Theater had been secured for my lecture by an anarchist workman known as Dashuta. An idealist of the best type, he had paid out of his meager savings the entire expense of the meeting and he had used all his leisure to make the lecture widely known. His help meant infinitely more to me than the "security for life... (From: Anarchy Archives.)

Volume 2, Chapter 43

Living My Life by Emma Goldman Volume two New York: Alfred A Knopf Inc.,1931. Chapter 43 On my arrival in New York after my protracted western lecture tour I hoped to get a long-needed rest. But the fates and Sasha willed it otherwise. He had just returned from Los Angeles to work in the East in behalf of Matthew A. Schmidt and David Caplan, and he immediately drew me into his intensive campaign. Sasha's presence on the Coast during my last San Diego experience was due to a rather unexpectedly happy turn of affairs. When he had started out on his Western lecture tour, in the fall of 1914, he had not intended to go farther than Colorado. That was owing to his arrest on the very eve of his leaving New York. Fitzi had prece... (From: Anarchy Archives.)

Volume 2, Chapter 44

Living My Life by Emma Goldman Volume two New York: Alfred A Knopf Inc., 1931. Chapter 44 In Denver I had the rather unusual experience of seeing a judge preside at my lecture on birth-control. It was Ben B. Lindsey. He spoke with conviction on the importance of family limitation and he paid high tribute to my efforts. I had first met the Judge and his very attractive wife several years previously and I had spent time with them whenever I visited Denver. Through friends I had learned of the shameful treatment he had received at the hands of his political enemies. They had not only circulated the most scurrilous reports about his public and private integrity, but they had even directed their attacks against Mrs. Lindsey, a... (From: Anarchy Archives.)

Volume 2, Chapter 45

Living My Life by Emma Goldman Volume two New York: Alfred A Knopf Inc., 1931. Chapter 45 The hated Romanovs were at last hurled from their throne, the Czar and his cohorts shorn of power. It was not the result of a political coup d' état; the great achievement was accomplished by the rebellion of the entire people. Only yesterday inarticulate, crushed, as they had been for centuries, under the heel of a ruthless absolutism, insulted and degraded, the Russian masses had risen to demand their heritage and to proclaim to the whole world that autocracy and tyranny were for ever at an end in their country. The glorious tidings were the first sign of life in the vast European cemetery of war and destruction. They inspired all lib... (From: Anarchy Archives.)

Volume 2, Chapter 46

Living My Life by Emma Goldman Volume Two New York: Alfred A Knopf Inc.,1931. CHAPTER XLVI The automobile sped on. It was filled with deputy marshals, with me in their midst. Twenty minutes later we reached the Baltimore and Ohio Station. The hand of time seemed set back twenty-five years. I visioned myself at the same station a quarter of a century ago, straining towards the disappearing train which was bearing Sasha away, leaving me desolate and alone. A gruff voice startled me. "Are you seeing ghosts?" it demanded. I was in a compartment, a big man and a woman at my side, the deputy marshal and his wife. Then I was left with the woman. The day's heat, the excitement, and three hours' wait in the Federal Building had exhausted ... (From: Anarchy Archives.)

Volume 2, Chapter 47

Living My Life by Emma Goldman Volume Two New York: Alfred A Knopf Inc., 1931. CHAPTER XLVII The Mother Earth Bulletin looked small compared with our previous publication, but it was the best we could do in those harassing days. The political sky was daily growing darker, the atmosphere charged with hate and violence, and no sign of relief anywhere in the wide United States. And again it was Russia to shed the first ray of hope upon an otherwise hopeless world. The October Revolution suddenly rent the clouds, its flames spreading to the remotest corners of the earth, carrying the message of fulfillment of the supreme promise the February Revolution had held out. The Lvovs and the Miliukovs had pitted their feeble strength agains... (From: Anarchy Archives.)

Volume 2, Chapter 48

Living My Life by Emma Goldman Volume Two New York: Alfred A Knopf Inc., 1931. Chapter 48 The Espionage Act resulted in filling the civil and military prisons of the country with men sentenced to incredibly long terms; Bill Haywood received twenty years, his hundred and ten I.W.W. co-defendants from one to ten years, Eugene V. Debs ten years, Kate Richards O'Hare five. These were but a few among the hundreds railroaded to living deaths. Then came the arrest of a group of our young comrades in New York, comprising Mollie Steimer, Jacob Abrams, Samuel Lipman, Hyman Lachowsky, and Jacob Schwartz. Their offense consisted in circulating a printed protest against American intervention in Russia. Every one of those youths was subjected t... (From: Anarchy Archives.)

Volume 2, Chapter 49

Living My Life by Emma Goldman Volume Two New York: Alfred A Knopf Inc., 1931. Chapter 49 Life in prison, unless one has vital interests outside, is deadly dull. Until Kate arrived, our existence in Jefferson had been no exception. But the publicity campaign kept up by Frank O'Hare by means of his wife's letters brought many surprises and unexpected results. After the library and the hot food came an influx of convict plumbers, carpenters, and mechanics to install shower-baths. Then the walls of our wing were whitewashed and preparations were being made to whitewash the cells. Presently Kate received an offer to be excused from the shop. "Is it only because of the pull you have outside?" I asked her. "My friends have tried hard to ... (From: Anarchy Archives.)

Volume 2, Chapter 50

Living My Life by Emma Goldman Volume two New York: Alfred A Knopf Inc., 1931. Chapter 50 In St. Louis we were almost mobbed by friends, reporters, and cameramen who had come to meet us at the station. I could not bear to see many people and I was eager to be left alone. Stella grew uneasy on hearing that on our way east I intended to stop off in Chicago, where Ben was living. She implored me to give up the idea. "You will only lose the peace you have gained through months of struggle to free yourself from Ben," she pleaded. There was no need for anxiety, I assured her. In the isolation and loneliness of the cell one finds the courage to face the nakedness of one's soul. If one survives the ordeal, one is less hurt by the nakednes... (From: Anarchy Archives.)

Volume 2, Chapter 51

Living My Life by Emma Goldman Volume Two New York: Alfred A Knopf Inc., 1931. Chapter 51 The room I was assigned to on the island already contained two occupants, Ethel Bernstein and Dora Lipkin, who had been rounded up at the raid of the Union of Russian Workers. The documents discovered there consisted of English grammars and text-books on arithmetic. The raiders had beaten up and arrested those found on the premises for possessing such inflammatory literature. To my amazement I learned that the official who had signed the order for our deportation was Louis F. Post, Assistant Secretary of Labor. It seemed incredible. Louis F. Post, ardent single-taxer, champion of free speech and press, former editor of the Public, a fe... (From: Anarchy Archives.)

Volume 2, Chapter 52, Part A

Living My Life by Emma Goldman Volume Two New York: Alfred A Knopf Inc., 1931. Chapter 52 Soviet Russa! Sacred ground, magic people! You have come to symbolize humanity's hope, you alone are destined to redeem mankind. I have come to serve you, beloved matushka. Take me to your bosom, let me pour myself into you, mingle my blood with yours, find my place in your heroic struggle, and give to the uttermost to your needs! At the border, on our way to Petrograd, and at the station there, we were received like dear comrades. We who had been driven out of America as felons were welcomed on Soviet soil as brothers by her sons and daughters who had helped to set her free. Workers, soldiers, and peasants surrounded us, took us by the hand,... (From: Anarchy Archives.)

Volume 2, Chapter 52, Part B

Living My Life by Emma Goldman Volume Two New York: Alfred A Knopf Inc., 1931. Chapter 52 (Continued, pp. 749-802.) It was a novel sensation to be with Sasha in the same city and not be able to reach him. Radek had tried all through the day to get hold of him, but he was not in. Seeing my anxiety, Radek had assured me that Berkman would surely be at his lodgings before midnight. He could remain nowhere else, it being strictly prohibited as a protectionary measure against counter-revolution. No one would dare keep him overnight without registering him with the house commandant, and the latter would not permit a person unknown to him to stay after hours. But how could Radek offer to let me pass the night in his apartment, I asked. Th... (From: Anarchy Archives.)

Volume 2, Chapter 52, Part C

Living My Life by Emma Goldman Volume Two New York: Alfred A Knopf Inc.,1931. Chapter 52 (continued, pp. 802-851) On the sixth floor of a large tenement in Moscow, in a room not much larger than my cell in the Missouri penitentiary, a little old woman embraced me tenderly, without uttering a word. It was Maria Spiridonovna. Though only thirty-three years of age, she was shriveled in body; a hectic flush was on her emaciated face, her eyes were feverishly brilliant, but her spirit remained unchanged and unfettered, still scaling the heights of her indomitable faith. Anything I could have said at that moment would have sounded banal. Nor did I trust myself to speak. Her hands in mine had a steadying effect and the si... (From: Anarchy Archives.)

Volume 2, Chapter 52, Part D

Living My Life by Emma Goldman Volume Two New York: Alfred A Knopf Inc.,1931. Chapter 52, Continued, pp. 851-899. We were to leave for Petrograd the next day to report to the Museum of the Revolution, but Louise begged us to remain for the funeral. She felt lonely and deserted, and we were the only friends she had, she implored. Now that Jack was gone, she had ceased to interest the Bolsheviki. She had already been made to feel that, she said. Public funerals had always been an abomination to me; nevertheless I promised to remain to be near her and to help her over the painful ordeal. I told Louise that Sasha might also attend if he could prevail upon the other members of the expedition to postpone their departure for a day. Louis... (From: Anarchy Archives.)

Volume 2, Chapter 52, Part E

Living My Life by Emma Goldman Volume Two New York: Alfred A Knopf Inc., 1931. Chapter 52, Continued, pp. 899-927. The Nep flourished, and the inspired, flocking to the holy grail, were assured that the proletariat was in full control and that money was no more needed in Soviet Russia because the workers had free access to the best the land produced. A large contingent of the devout believers from America had confidingly turned over to the reception committee on the border all their possessions. In Moscow they were packed like sardines in common quarters, given a small ration of bread and soup, and left to their fate. Within a month two children of the group died of undernourishment and infection. The men became desp... (From: Anarchy Archives.)

Volume 2, Chapter 53

Living My Life by Emma Goldman Volume two New York: Alfred A Knopf Inc.,1931. Chapter 53 Riga! Jostling crowds at the station, strange speech, laughter, and glaring lights. It was bewildering and it aggravated my feverish condition from the bad cold I had contracted on the way. We planned to go to our comrade Tsvetkov, who was employed in the Soviet transport department. He and his lovely wife Maryussa had been our close friends in the early Petrograd days. Little Maryussa, delicate as a lily, together with Tsvetkov and others, had guarded Petrograd against General Yudenich. Rifle over shoulder, brave Maryussa had been prepared to lay down her life for the Revolution. Later they had endured untold privation and hards... (From: Anarchy Archives.)

Volume 2, Chapter 54

Living My Life by Emma Goldman Volume two New York: Alfred A Knopf Inc., 1931. Chapter 54 At the German border I fell right into the loving arms of two stalwart Prussian officials whose Kaiser Wilhelm mustaches had lost nothing of pride by the ignominious retreat of their namesake. Quickly they led me into a private office. I was confronted with a dossier comprising all the events of my life, almost from my cradle days, whereupon they began grilling me for an hour. I congratulated them on their German thoroughness in having kept such a complete record that there was nothing I could add. What were my intentions in Germany? Honorable, of course: to find a millionaire old bachelor in search of a handsome young wife... (From: Anarchy Archives.)

Volume 2, Chapter 55

Living My Life by Emma Goldman Volume two New York: Alfred A Knopf Inc.,1931. Chapter 55 One is certain to be disappointed in American reporters, yet never in the London weather during autumn or winter. It was foggy and drizzling when I arrived in September, and it did not let up until May. Unlike my visit in 1900, when I lived in a basement, my quarters this time were on the heights: a bedroom on the third floor in the house of my old friend Doris Zhook. I even had the luxury of a gas-stove, which I kept going all day. The monster fog mocked my futile attempts to keep the chill out of my old bones, even when I tried to snatch a little cheer from an occasional ray of sunlight. Doris and the other comrades insisted that it was "not ... (From: Anarchy Archives.)

Volume 2, Chapter 56

Living My Life by Emma Goldman Volume two New York: Alfred A Knopf Inc., 1931. Chapter 56 Friends had unearthed a lovely spot in Saint-Tropez, an ancient, picturesque fishing-village in the south of France. An enchanted place it was: a little villa of three rooms from which one caught a view of the snow-covered Maritime Alps, with a garden of magnificent roses, pink and red geraniums, fruit-trees, and a large vineyard, all for fifteen dollars a month. Here I regained something of my old zest for life, and faith in my ability to overcome the hardships the future might hold. I divided my time between my writing-desk and my ménage. I even found time to learn to swim. I prepared the meals on a quaint, red-bricked Provença... (From: Anarchy Archives.)

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Living My Life

By Emma Goldman (1931)

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