,*APT] #de 
,I ,COME ,TO ,GRIEF 

#ahegaheg 

,PEOPLE 3 

,AU?OR 3 ,LEO ,TOL/OY 

,TEXT 3 

,AT L5G? ! FIR/ EXAM9ATION--ON DIFF]5TIALS & 9TEGRALS--DREW NE>1 BUT ,I CONT9U$ 9 A VAGUE /ATE :I* PRECLUD$ ME FROM =M+ ANY CLE> IDEA ( :AT WAS AWAIT+ ME4 ,EV]Y EV5+1 AFT] CONSORT+ ) ,ZU*9 & ! RE/1 ! ?\<T W\LD OCCUR TO ME ?AT !RE WAS SOME?+ 9 MY CONVICTIONS :I* ,I MU/ *ANGE--SOME?+ WRONG & MI/AK52 YET EV]Y MORN+ ! DAYLI<T W\LD F9D ME AGA9 SATISFI$ TO BE 0COMME IL FAUT10 & DESIR\S ( NO *ANGE :ATSOEV]4 

,SU* WAS ! FRAME ( M9D 9 :I* ,I ATT5D$ = ! FIR/ EXAM9ATION4 ,I SEAT$ MYSELF ON ! B5* :]E ! PR9CES1 C\NTS1 & B>ONS ALWAYS SAT1 & BEGAN TALK+ TO !M 9 ,FR5*1 ) ! NOT UNNATURAL RESULT ?AT ,I NEV] GAVE ANO!R ?\<T TO ! ANSW]S :I* ,I WAS %ORTLY TO RETURN TO QUE/IONS 9 A SUBJECT ( :I* ,I KNEW NO?+4 ,I GAZ$ SUP9ELY AT O!R /UD5TS AS !Y W5T UP TO BE EXAM9$1 & EV5 ALL[$ MYSELF TO *AFF SOME ( !M4 

0,WELL1 ,GRAP10 ,I SAID TO ,IL9KA 7:O1 FROM \R FIR/ 5TRY 9TO ! ,UNIV]SITY1 HAD %AK5 (F MY 9FLU5CE1 HAD CEAS$ TO SMILE :5 ,I SPOKE TO HIM1 & ALWAYS REMA9$ ILL-DISPOS$ T[>DS ME71 0HAVE Y\ SURVIV$ ! ORDEAL80 

0,YES10 RETORT$ ,IL9KA4 0,LET US SEE IF ,Y,\ CAN DO SO40 

,I SMIL$ CONTEMPTU\SLY AT ! ANSW]1 NOT)/&+ ?AT ! D\BT :I* HE HAD EXPRESS$ HAD GIV5 ME A MOM5T>Y %OCK4 ,ONCE AGA91 H[EV]1 9DIFF]5CE OV]LAID ?AT FEEL+1 & ,I REMA9$ SO 5TIRELY ABS5T-M9D$ & SUP9E ?AT1 ! V]Y MOM5T AFT] ,I HAD BE5 EXAM9$ 7A M]E =MALITY = ME1 AS IT TURN$ \T7 ,I WAS MAK+ A D9N] APPO9TM5T ) ,B>ON ,Z4 ,:5 CALL$ \T ) ,IKON91 ,I SMOO!D ! CREASES 9 MY UNI=M1 & WALK$ UP TO ! EXAM9]'S TABLE ) P]FECT SANG FROID4 

,TRUE1 A SLI<T %IV] ( APPREH5SION RAN D[N MY BACK :5 ! Y\NG PR(ESSOR--! SAME ONE AS HAD EXAM9$ ME = MY MATRICULATION--LOOK$ ME /RAI<T 9 ! FACE AS ,I REA*$ ACROSS TO ! 5VELOPE CONTA9+ ! TICKETS4 ,IKON91 ?\< TAK+ A TICKET ) ! SAME PLUNGE ( HIS :OLE BODY AS HE HAD DONE AT ! PREVI\S EXAM9ATIONS1 DID AT LEA/ RETURN SOME SORT ( AN ANSW] ?IS TIME1 ?\< A POOR ONE4 ,I1 ON ! CONTR>Y1 DID JU/ AS HE HAD DONE ON ! TWO PREVI\S OCCASIONS1 OR EV5 WORSE1 S9CE ,I TOOK A SECOND TICKET1 YET = A SECOND TIME RETURN$ NO ANSW]4 ,! PR(ESSOR LOOK$ ME COMPASSIONATELY 9 ! FACE1 & SAID 9 A QUIET1 BUT DET]M9$1 VOICE3 

0,Y\ WILL NOT PASS 9TO ! SECOND C\RSE1 ,MONSIEUR ,IRT5IEFF4 ,Y\ HAD BETT] NOT COMPLETE ! EXAM9ATIONS4 ,! FACULTY MU/ BE WE$$ \T4 ,! SAME ) Y\1 ,MONSIEUR ,IKON940 

,IKON9 IMPLOR$ LEAVE TO F9I% ! EXAM9ATIONS1 AS A GREAT FAVOR1 BUT ! PR(ESSOR REPLI$ ?AT HE 7,IKON97 WAS NOT LIKELY TO DO 9 TWO DAYS :AT HE HAD NOT SUCCE$$ 9 DO+ 9 A YE>1 & ?AT HE HAD NOT ! SMALLE/ *ANCE ( PASS+4 ,IKON9 R5EW$ HIS HUMBLE1 PITE\S APPEALS1 BUT ! PR(ESSOR WAS 9EXORABLE4 

0,Y\ CAN GO1 G5TLEM510 HE REM>K$ 9 ! SAME QUIET1 RESOLUTE VOICE4 

,I WAS ONLY TOO GLAD TO DO SO1 = ,I FELT A%AM$ ( SEEM+1 BY MY SIL5T PRES5CE1 TO BE JO9+ 9 ,IKON9'S HUMILIAT+ PRAY]S = GRACE4 ,I HAVE NO RECOLLECTION ( H[ ,I ?READ$ MY WAY ?R\< ! /UD5TS 9 ! HALL1 NOR ( :AT ,I REPLI$ TO !IR QUE/IONS1 NOR ( H[ ,I PASS$ 9TO ! VE/IBULE & DEP>T$ HOME4 ,I WAS (F5D$1 HUMILIAT$1 & G5U9ELY UNHAPPY4 

,= ?REE DAYS ,I NEV] LEFT MY ROOM1 & SAW NO ONE1 BUT F\ND RELIEF 9 COPI\S TE>S4 ,I %\LD HAVE S\<T A PI/OL TO %OOT MYSELF IF ,I HAD HAD ! NECESS>Y DET]M9ATION = ! DE$4 ,I ?\<T ?AT ,IL9KA ,GRAP W\LD SPIT 9 MY FACE :5 HE NEXT MET ME1 & ?AT HE W\LD HAVE ! RI<T TO DO SO2 ?AT ,OP](F W\LD REJOICE AT MY MIS=TUNE1 & TELL EV]Y ONE ( IT2 ?AT ,KOLPIK(F HAD JU/LY %AM$ ME ?AT NI<T AT ! RE/AURANT2 ?AT MY /UPID SPEE*ES TO ,PR9CESS ,KORNIK(F HAD HAD !IR FITT+ RESULT2 & SO ON1 & SO ON4 ,ALL ! MOM5TS 9 MY LIFE :I* HAD BE5 = ME MO/ DIFFICULT & PA9FUL RECURR$ TO MY M9D4 ,I TRI$ TO BLAME SOME ONE = MY CALAMITY1 & ?\<T ?AT SOME ONE MU/ HAVE DONE IT ON PURPOSE--MU/ HAVE CONSPIR$ A :OLE 9TRIGUE AGA9/ ME4 ,NEXT1 ,I MURMUR$ AGA9/ ! PR(ESSORS1 AGA9/ MY COMRADES1 ,WOLODA1 ,DIMITRI1 & ,PAPA 7! LA/ = HAV+ S5T ME TO ! ,UNIV]SITY AT ALL74 ,F9ALLY1 ,I RAIL$ AT ,PROVID5CE = EV] HAV+ LET ME SEE SU* IGNOM9Y4 ,BELIEV+ MYSELF RU9$ = EV] 9 ! EYES ( ALL :O KNEW ME1 ,I BES\<T ,PAPA TO LET ME GO 9TO ! HUSS>S OR TO ! ,CAUCASUS4 ,NATURALLY1 ,PAPA WAS ANY?+ BUT PLEAS$ AT :AT HAD HAPP5$2 YET1 ON SEE+ MY PASSIONATE GRIEF1 HE COM=T$ ME BY SAY+ ?AT1 ?\< IT WAS A BAD BUS9ESS1 IT MI<T YET BE M5D$ BY MY TRANSF]R+ TO ANO!R FACULTY4 ,WOLODA1 :O ALSO SAW NO?+ V]Y T]RIBLE 9 MY MIS=TUNE1 ADD$ ?AT AT LEA/ ,I %\LD NOT BE PUT \T ( C\NT5ANCE 9 A NEW FACULTY1 S9CE ,I %\LD HAVE NEW COMRADES !RE4 ,AS = ! LADIES ( ! H\SEHOLD1 !Y NEI!R KNEW NOR C>$ :AT EI!R AN EXAM9ATION OR A PLUCK+ MEANT1 & CONDOL$ ) ME ONLY BECAUSE !Y SAW ME 9 SU* DI/RESS4 ,DIMITRI CAME TO SEE ME EV]Y DAY1 & WAS V]Y K9D & CONSOLATORY ?R\<\T2 BUT = ?AT V]Y REASON HE SEEM$ TO ME TO HAVE GR[N COLD] ?AN BE=E4 ,IT ALWAYS HURT ME & MADE ME FEEL UNCOM=TABLE :5 HE CAME UP TO MY ROOM & SEAT$ HIMSELF 9 SIL5CE BESIDE ME1 MU* AS A DOCTOR MI<T SCAT HIMSELF BY ! B$SIDE ( AN AWKW>D PATI5T4 ,SOPHIA ,IVANOVNA & ,V>5IKA S5T ME BOOKS = :I* ,I HAD EXPRESS$ A WI%1 AS ALSO AN 9VITATION TO GO & SEE !M1 BUT 9 ?AT V]Y ?\<TFULNESS ( !IRS ,I SAW ONLY PR\D1 HUMILIAT+ CONDESC5SION TO ONE :O HAD FALL5 BEYOND =GIV5ESS4 ,AL?\<1 9 ?REE DAYS' TIME1 ,I GREW CALM]1 IT WAS NOT UNTIL WE DEP>T$ = ! C\NTRY ?AT ,I LEFT ! H\SE1 BUT SP5T ! TIME 9 NURS+ MY GRIEF & W&]+1 FE>FUL ( ALL ! H\SEHOLD1 ?R\< ! V>I\S ROOMS4 

,ONE EV5+1 AS ,I WAS SITT+ DEEP 9 ?\<T & LI/5+ TO ,AVDOTIA PLAY+ H] WALTZ1 ,I SUDD5LY LEAP$ TO MY FEET1 RAN UP/AIRS1 GOT \T ! COPY-BOOK :]EON ,I HAD ONCE 9SCRIB$ 0,RULES ( ,MY ,LIFE10 OP5$ IT1 & EXP]I5C$ MY FIR/ MOM5T ( REP5TANCE & MORAL RESOLUTION4 ,TRUE1 ,I BUR/ 9TO TE>S ONCE MORE1 BUT !Y W]E NO LONG] TE>S ( DESPAIR4 ,PULL+ MYSELF TOGE!R1 ,I SET AB\T WRIT+ \T A FRE% SET ( RULES1 9 ! ASSUR$ CONVICTION ?AT NEV] AGA9 W\LD ,I DO A WRONG ACTION1 WA/E A S+LE MOM5T ON FRIVOLITY1 OR ALT] ! RULES :I* ,I N[ DECID$ TO FRAME4 

,H[ LONG ?AT MORAL IMPULSE LA/$1 :AT IT CONSI/$ (1 & :AT NEW PR9CIPLES ,I DEVIS$ = MY MORAL GR[? ,I WILL RELATE :5 SPEAK+ ( ! 5SU+ & HAPPI] PORTION ( MY E>LY MANHOOD4 

,FROM 3 ,GUT5B]G4ORG4 

,*RONOLOGY 3 
,NOVEMB] #c1 #ahef 3 ,*APT] #de -- ,PUBLICATION4 
,JUNE #d1 #bba 3 ,*APT] #de -- ,ADD$4 

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