,*APT] #d 
,MY ,FRI5D%IP ,) ,! ,NE*LUD(FS 

#ahegaheg 

,PEOPLE 3 

,AU?OR 3 ,LEO ,TOL/OY 

,TEXT 3 

,?AT W9T]1 TOO1 ,I SAW A GREAT DEAL BO? ( ,DIMITRI :O (T5 LOOK$ US UP1 & ( HIS FAMILY1 ) :OM ,I WAS BEG9N+ TO /& ON 9TIMATE T]MS4 

,! ,NE*LUD(FS 7?AT IS TO SAY1 MO!R1 AUNT1 & DAU<T]7 ALWAYS SP5T !IR EV5+S AT HOME1 AT :I* TIME ! ,PR9CESS LIK$ Y\NG M5 TO VISIT H]--AT ALL EV5TS Y\NG M5 ( ! K9D :OM %E DESCRIB$ AS ABLE TO SP5D AN EV5+ )\T PLAY+ C>DS OR DANC+4 ,YET SU* Y\NG FELL[S MU/ HAVE BE5 FEW & F> BETWE51 =1 AL?\< ,I W5T TO ! ,NE*LUD(FS ALMO/ EV]Y EV5+1 ,I SELDOM F\ND O!R GUE/S PRES5T4 ,?US1 ,I CAME TO KN[ ! MEMB]S ( ?IS FAMILY & !IR SEV]AL DISPOSITIONS WELL 5\< TO BE ABLE TO =M CLE> IDEAS AS TO !IR MUTUAL RELATIONS1 & TO BE QUITE AT HOME AMID ! ROOMS & FURNITURE ( !IR H\SE4 ,9DE$1 SO LONG AS NO O!R GUE/S W]E PRES5T1 ,I FELT 5TIRELY AT MY EASE4 ,TRUE1 AT FIR/ ,I US$ TO FEEL A LITTLE UNCOM=TABLE :5 LEFT ALONE 9 ! ROOM ) ,V>5IKA1 = ,I C\LD NOT RID MYSELF ( ! IDEA ?AT1 ?\< F> FROM PRETTY1 %E WI%$ ME TO FALL 9 LOVE ) H]2 BUT 9 TIME ?IS N]V\SNESS ( M9E BEGAN TO LESS51 S9CE %E ALWAYS LOOK$ SO NATURAL1 & TALK$ TO ME SO EXACTLY AS ?\< %E W]E CONV]S+ ) H] BRO!R OR ,LUBOV ,S]GIEVNA1 ?AT ,I CAME TO LOOK UPON H] SIMPLY AS A P]SON TO :OM IT WAS 9 NO WAY DANG]\S OR WRONG TO %[ ?AT ,I TOOK PLEASURE 9 H] COMPANY4 ,?R\<\T ! :OLE ( \R ACQUA9TANCE %E APPE>$ TO ME M]ELY A PLA91 ?\< NOT POSITIVELY UGLY1 GIRL1 CONC]N+ :OM ONE W\LD NEV] ASK ONESELF ! QUE/ION1 

0,AM ,I1 OR AM ,I NOT1 9 LOVE ) H]80 ,SOMETIMES ,I W\LD TALK TO H] DIRECT1 BUT MORE (T5 ,I DID SO ?R\< ,DIMITRI OR ,LUBOV ,S]GIEVNA2 & IT WAS ! LATT] ME?OD :I* AF=D$ ME ! MO/ PLEASURE4 ,I D]IV$ CONSID]ABLE GRATIFICATION FROM DISC\RS+ :5 %E WAS !RE1 FROM HE>+ H] S+1 &1 9 G5]AL1 FROM KN[+ ?AT %E WAS 9 ! SAME ROOM AS MYSELF2 BUT IT WAS SELDOM N[ ?AT ANY ?\<TS ( :AT \R FUTURE RELATIONS MI<T EV] BE1 OR ?AT ANY DREAMS ( SELF-SACRIFICE = MY FRI5D IF HE %\LD EV] FALL 9 LOVE ) MY SI/]1 CAME 9TO MY HEAD4 ,IF ANY SU* IDEAS OR FANCIES OCCURR$ TO ME1 ,I FELT SATISFI$ ) ! PRES5T1 & DROVE AWAY ALL ?\<TS AB\T ! FUTURE4 

,YET1 9 SPITE ( ?IS 9TIMACY1 ,I CONT9U$ TO LOOK UPON IT AS MY B\ND5 DUTY TO KEEP ! ,NE*LUD(FS 9 G5]AL1 & ,V>5IKA 9 P>TICUL>1 9 IGNORANCE ( MY TRUE FEEL+S & TA/ES1 & /ROVE ALWAYS TO APPE> ALTOGE!R ANO!R Y\NG MAN ?AN :AT ,I REALLY WAS--TO APPE>1 9DE$1 SU* A Y\NG MAN AS C\LD NEV] POSSIBLY HAVE EXI/$4 ,I AFFECT$ TO BE 0S\LFUL0 & W\LD GO (F 9TO RAPTURES & EXCLAMATIONS & IMPASSION$ GE/URES :5EV] ,I WI%$ IT TO BE ?\<T ?AT ANY?+ PLEAS$ ME1 :ILE1 ON ! O!R H&1 ,I TRI$ ALWAYS TO SEEM 9DIFF]5T T[>DS ANY UNUSUAL CIRCUM/ANCE :I* ,I MYSELF P]CEIV$ OR :I* ,I HAD HAD PO9T$ \T TO ME4 ,I AIM$ ALWAYS AT FIGUR+ BO? AS A S>CA/IC CYNIC DIVORC$ FROM EV]Y SACR$ TIE & AS A %REWD OBS]V]1 AS WELL AS AT BE+ ACC\NT$ LOGICAL 9 ALL MY CONDUCT1 PRECISE & ME?ODICAL 9 ALL MY WAYS ( LIFE1 & AT ! SAME TIME CONTEMPTU\S ( ALL MAT]IALITY4 ,I MAY SAFELY SAY ?AT ,I WAS F> BETT] 9 REALITY ?AN ! /RANGE BE+ 9TO :OM ,I ATTEMPT$ TO CONV]T MYSELF2 YET1 :ATEV] ,I WAS OR WAS NOT1 ! ,NE*LUD(FS W]E UNFAIL+LY K9D TO ME1 & 7HAPPILY = MYSELF7 TOOK NO NOTICE 7AS IT N[ APPE>S7 ( MY PLAY-ACT+4 ,ONLY ,LUBOV ,S]GIEVNA1 :O1 ,I BELIEVE1 REALLY BELIEV$ ME TO BE A GREAT EGOI/1 A!I/1 & CYNIC1 HAD NO LOVE = ME1 BUT FREQU5TLY DISPUT$ :AT ,I SAID1 FLEW 9TO TEMP]S1 & LEFT ME PETRIFI$ ) H] DISJO9T$1 IRRELEVANT UTT]ANCES4 ,YET ,DIMITRI HELD ALWAYS TO ! SAME /RANGE1 SOME?+ MORE ?AN FRI5DLY1 RELATIONS ) H]1 & US$ TO SAY NOT ONLY ?AT %E WAS MISUND]/OOD BY EV]Y ONE1 BUT ?AT %E DID HIM A WORLD ( GOOD4 ,?IS1 H[EV]1 DID NOT PREV5T ! RE/ ( HIS FAMILY FROM F9D+ FAULT ) HIS 9FATUATION4 

,ONCE1 :5 TALK+ TO ME AB\T ?IS 9COMPREH5SIBLE ATTA*M5T1 ,V>5IKA EXPLA9$ ! MATT] ?US3 0,Y\ SEE1 ,DIMITRI IS A SELFI% P]SON4 ,HE IS V]Y PR\D1 &1 = ALL HIS 9TELLECT1 V]Y FOND ( PRAISE1 & ( SURPRIS+ PEOPLE1 & ( ALWAYS BE+ ,F,I,R,/1 :ILE LITTLE ,AUNTIE0 7! G5]AL NICKNAME = ,LUBOV ,S]GIEVNA7 0IS 9NOC5T 5\< TO ADMIRE HIM1 & AT ! SAME TIME DEVOID ( ! TACT TO CONCEAL H] ADMIRATION4 ,CONSEQU5TLY %E FLATT]S HIS VANITY--NOT \T ( PRET5SE1 BUT S9C]ELY40 

,?IS DICTUM ,I LAID TO HE>T1 &1 :5 ?9K+ IT OV] AFT]W>DS1 C\LD NOT BUT COME TO ! CONCLUSION ?AT ,V>5IKA WAS V]Y S5SIBLE2 :]E=E ,I WAS GLAD TO AW>D H] PROMOTION !NCE=? 9 MY REG>D4 ,YET1 ?\< ,I WAS ALWAYS GLAD 5\< TO ASSIGN H] ANY CR$IT :I* MI<T >ISE FROM MY DISCOV]+ 9 H] *>ACT] ANY SIGNS ( GOOD S5SE OR O!R MORAL QUALITIES1 ,I DID SO ) /RICT MOD]ATION1 & NEV] RAN TO ANY EXTREME PIT* ( 5?USIASM 9 ! PROCESS4 ,?US1 :5 ,SOPHIA ,IVANOVNA 7:O WAS NEV] WE>Y ( DISCUSS+ H] NIECE7 RELAT$ TO ME H[1 F\R YE>S AGO1 ,V>5IKA HAD SUDD5LY GIV5 AWAY ALL H] CLO!S TO SOME PEASANT *ILDR5 )\T FIR/ ASK+ P]MISSION TO DO SO1 SO ?AT ! G>M5TS HAD SUBSEQU5TLY TO BE RECOV]$1 ,I DID NOT AT ONCE ACCEPT ! FACT AS 5TITL+ ,V>5IKA TO ELEVATION 9 MY OP9ION1 BUT W5T ON GIV+ H] GOOD ADVICE AB\T ! UNPRACTICALNESS ( SU* VIEWS ON PROP]TY4 

,:5 O!R GUE/S W]E PRES5T AT ! ,NE*LUD(FS 7AMONG !M1 SOMETIMES1 ,WOLODA & ,DUBK(F7 ,I US$ TO )DRAW MYSELF TO A REMOTE PLANE1 &1 ) ! COMPLAC5CY & QUIET CONSCI\SNESS ( /R5G? ( AN HABITUE ( ! H\SE1 LI/5 TO :AT O!RS W]E SAY+ )\T PUTT+ 9 A REM>K MYSELF4 ,YET EV]Y?+ ?AT !SE O!RS SAID SEEM$ TO ME SO IMMEASURABLY /UPID ?AT ,I US$ TO FEEL 9W>DLY AMAZ$ ?AT SU* A CLEV]1 LOGICAL WOMAN AS ! ,PR9CESS1 ) H] EQUALLY LOGICAL FAMILY1 C\LD LI/5 TO & ANSW] SU* RUBBI%4 ,HAD IT1 H[EV]1 5T]$ 9TO MY HEAD TO COMP>E :AT1 O!RS SAID ) :AT ,I MYSELF SAID :5 !RE ALONE1 ,I %\LD PROBABLY HAVE CEAS$ TO FEEL SURPRISE4 ,/ILL LESS %\LD ,I HAVE CONT9U$ TO FEEL SURPRISE HAD ,I NOT BELIEV$ ?AT ! WOM5 ( \R [N H\SEHOLD--,AVDOTIA1 ,LUBOT%KA1 & ,KAT5KA--W]E SUP]IOR TO ! RE/ ( !IR SEX1 = 9 ?AT CASE ,I %\LD HAVE REMEMB]$ ! K9D ( ?+S OV] :I* ,AVDOTIA & ,KAT5KA W\LD LAU< & JE/ ) ,DUBK(F FROM ONE 5D ( AN EV5+ TO ! O!R4 ,I %\LD HAVE REMEMB]$ ?AT SELDOM DID AN EV5+ PASS BUT ,DUBK(F W\LD FIR/ HAVE1 AN >GUM5T AB\T SOME?+1 & !N READ 9 A S5T5TI\S VOICE EI!R SOME V]SES BEG9N+ 0,AU BANQUET DE LA VIE1 9=TUNE CONVIVE0 OR EXTRACTS FROM ,! ,DEMON4 ,9 %ORT1 ,I %\LD HAVE REMEMB]$ :AT NONS5SE !Y US$ TO *ATT] = H\RS AT A TIME4 

,IT NE$ H>DLY BE SAID ?AT1 :5 GUE/S W]E PRES5T1 ,V>5IKA PAID LESS ATT5TION TO ME ?AN :5 WE W]E ALONE1 AS WELL AS ?AT ,I WAS DEPRIV$ ( ! READ+ & MUSIC :I* ,I SO GREATLY LOV$ TO HE>4 ,:5 TALK+ TO GUE/S1 %E LO/1 9 MY EYES1 H] PR9CIPAL *>M--?AT ( QUIET S]I\SNESS & SIMPLICITY4 ,I REMEMB] H[ /RANGE IT US$ TO SEEM TO ME TO HE> H] DISC\RS+ ON !AT]S & ! WEA!R TO MY BRO!R ,WOLODA6 ,I KNEW ?AT ( ALL ?+S 9 ! WORLD HE MO/ DESPIS$ & %UNN$ BANALITY1 & ?AT ,V>5IKA H]SELF US$ TO MAKE FUN ( =C$ CONV]SATIONS ON ! WEA!R & SIMIL> MATT]S4 ,:Y1 !N1 :5 MEET+ 9 SOCIETY1 DID !Y BO? ( !M TALK SU* 9TOL]ABLE NO?+S1 &1 AS IT W]E1 %AME ONE ANO!R8 ,AFT] TALKS ( ?IS K9D ,I US$ TO FEEL SIL5TLY RES5TFUL AGA9/ ,WOLODA1 AS WELL AS NEXT DAY TO RALLY ,V>5IKA ON H] OV]NI<T GUE/S4 ,YET ONE RESULT ( IT WAS ?AT ,I D]IV$ ALL ! GREAT] PLEASURE FROM BE+ ONE ( ! ,NE*LUD(FS' FAMILY CIRCLE4 ,ALSO1 = SOME REASON OR ANO!R ,I BEGAN TO PREF] MEET+ ,DIMITRI 9 HIS MO!R'S DRAW+-ROOM TO BE+ ) HIM ALONE4 

,FROM 3 ,GUT5B]G4ORG4 

,*RONOLOGY 3 
,NOVEMB] #c1 #ahef 3 ,*APT] #d -- ,PUBLICATION4 
,JUNE #d1 #bba 3 ,*APT] #d -- ,ADD$4 

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