,*APT] #bi 
,RELATIONS ,BETWE5 ,! ,GIRLS ,& ,\RSELVES 

#ahegaheg 

,PEOPLE 3 

,AU?OR 3 ,LEO ,TOL/OY 

,TEXT 3 

,( ! GIRLS ,WOLODA TOOK ! /RANGE VIEW ?AT1 AL?\< HE WI%$ ?AT !Y %\LD HAVE 5\< TO EAT1 %\LD SLEEP WELL1 BE WELL DRESS$1 & AVOID MAK+ SU* MI/AKES 9 ,FR5* AS W\LD %AME HIM BE=E /RANG]S1 HE W\LD NEV] ADMIT ?AT !Y C\LD ?9K OR FEEL LIKE HUMAN BE+S1 /ILL LESS ?AT !Y C\LD CONV]SE ) HIM S5SIBLY AB\T ANY?+4 ,:5EV] !Y ADDRESS$ TO HIM A S]I\S QUE/ION 7A ?+1 BY ! WAY1 :I* HE ALWAYS TRI$ TO AVOID71 SU* AS ASK+ HIS OP9ION ON A NOVEL OR 9QUIR+ AB\T HIS DO+S AT ! ,UNIV]SITY1 HE 9V>IABLY PULL$ A GRIMACE1 & EI!R TURN$ AWAY )\T SPEAK+ OR ANSW]$ ) SOME NONS5SICAL ,FR5* PHRASE--0,COMME C'E/ TRES JOLIE60 OR ! LIKE4 ,OR AGA91 FEIGN+ TO LOOK S]I\S & /OLIDLY WISE1 HE W\LD SAY SOME?+ ABSOLUTELY MEAN+LESS & BE>+ NO RELATION :ATEV] TO ! QUE/ION ASK$ HIM1 OR ELSE SUDD5LY EXCLAIM1 ) A LOOK ( PRET5D$ UNCONSCI\SNESS1 ! WORD BULKU OR POYE*ALI OR KAPU/U1 .<,RESPECTIVELY1 0ROLL ( BUTT]10 0AWAY10 & 0CABBAGE40.> OR SOME?+ ( ! K9D2 & :51 AFT]W>DS1 ,I HAPP5$ TO REPEAT !SE WORDS TO HIM AS HAV+ BE5 TOLD ME BY ,LUBOT%KA OR ,KAT5KA1 HE W\LD ALWAYS REM>K3 

0,HMM6 ,SO Y\ ACTUALLY C>E AB\T TALK+ TO !M8 ,I CAN SEE Y\ >E A DUFF] /ILL0--& ONE NE$$ TO SEE & NE> HIM TO APPRECIATE ! PR(\ND1 IMMUTABLE CONTEMPT :I* E*O$ 9 ?IS REM>K4 ,HE HAD BE5 GR[N-UP N[ TWO YE>S1 & WAS 9 LOVE ) EV]Y GOOD-LOOK+ WOMAN ?AT HE MET2 YET1 DESPITE ! FACT ?AT HE CAME 9 DAILY CONTACT ) ,KAT5KA 7:O DUR+ ?OSE TWO YE>S HAD BE5 WE>+ LONG DRESSES1 & WAS GR[+ PRETTI] EV]Y DAY71 ! POSSIBILITY ( HIS FALL+ 9 LOVE ) H] NEV] SEEM$ TO 5T] HIS HEAD4 ,:E!R ?IS PROCE$$ FROM ! FACT ?AT ! PROSAIC RECOLLECTIONS ( *ILDHOOD W]E /ILL TOO FRE% 9 HIS MEMORY1 OR :E!R FROM ! AV]SION :I* V]Y Y\NG PEOPLE FEEL = EV]Y?+ DOME/IC1 OR :E!R FROM ! COMMON HUMAN WEAKNESS :I*1 AT A FIR/ 5C\NT] ) ANY?+ FAIR & PRETTY1 LEADS A MAN TO SAY TO HIMSELF1 0,AH6 ,I %ALL MEET MU* MORE ( ! SAME K9D DUR+ MY LIFE10 BUT AT ALL EV5TS ,WOLODA HAD NEV] YET LOOK$ UPON ,KAT5KA ) A MAN'S EYES4 

,ALL ?AT SUMM] ,WOLODA APPE>$ TO F9D ?+S V]Y WE>ISOME--A FACT :I* >OSE \T ( ?AT CONTEMPT = US ALL :I*1 AS ,I HAVE SAID1 HE MADE NO EF=T TO CONCEAL4 ,HIS EXPRESSION ( FACE SEEM$ TO BE CON/ANTLY SAY+1 0,PHEW6 H[ IT BORES ME TO HAVE NO ONE TO SPEAK TO60 ,! FIR/ ?+ 9 ! MORN+ HE W\LD GO \T %OOT+1 OR SIT READ+ A BOOK 9 HIS ROOM1 & NOT DRESS UNTIL LUN*EON TIME4 ,9DE$1 IF ,PAPA WAS NOT AT HOME1 HE W\LD TAKE HIS BOOK 9TO ?AT MEAL1 & GO ON READ+ IT )\T ADDRESS+ SO MU* AS A S+LE WORD TO ANY ONE ( US1 :O FELT1 SOMEH[1 GUILTY 9 HIS PRES5CE4 ,9 ! EV5+1 TOO1 HE W\LD /RET* HIMSELF ON A SETTEE 9 ! DRAW+-ROOM1 & EI!R GO TO SLEEP1 PROPP$ ON HIS ELB[1 OR TELL US F>CICAL /ORIES--SOMETIMES /ORIES SO IMPROP] AS TO MAKE ,MIMI GR[ ANGRY & BLU%1 & \RSELVES DIE ) LAU<T]4 ,AT O!R TIMES HE W\LD NOT CONDESC5D TO ADDRESS A S+LE S]I\S WORD TO ANY MEMB] ( ! FAMILY EXCEPT ,PAPA OR 7OCCASIONALLY7 MYSELF4 ,9VOLUNT>ILY ,I (F5D$ AGA9/ HIS VIEW ( GIRLS1 SEE+ ?AT ,I WAS NOT SO AFRAID ( SEEM+ AFFECTIONATE AS HE1 &1 MOREOV]1 HAD NOT SU* A PR(\ND & CONFIRM$ CONTEMPT = Y\NG WOM54 ,YET SEV]AL TIMES ?AT SUMM]1 :5 DRIV5 BY LACK ( AMUSEM5T TO TRY & 5GAGE ,LUBOT%KA & ,KAT5KA 9 CONV]SATION1 ,I ALWAYS 5C\NT]$ 9 !M SU* AN ABS5CE ( ANY CAPACITY = LOGICAL ?9K+1 & SU* AN IGNORANCE ( ! SIMPLE/1 MO/ ORD9>Y MATT]S 7AS1 = 9/ANCE1 ! NATURE ( MONEY1 ! SUBJECTS /UDI$ AT UNIV]SITIES1 ! EFFECT ( W>1 & SO =?71 AS WELL AS SU* 9DIFF]5CE TO MY EXPLANATIONS ( SU* MATT]S1 ?AT !SE ATTEMPTS ( M9E ONLY 5D$ 9 CONFIRM+ MY UNFAVORABLE OP9ION ( FEM99E ABILITY4 

,I REMEMB] ONE EV5+ :5 ,LUBOT%KA KEPT REPEAT+ SOME UNBE>ABLY T$I\S PASSAGE ON ! PIANO AB\T A HUNDR$ TIMES 9 SUCCESSION1 :ILE ,WOLODA1 :O WAS DOZ+ ON A SETTEE 9 ! DRAW+-ROOM1 KEPT ADDRESS+ NO ONE 9 P>TICUL> AS HE MUTT]$1 0,LORD6 H[ %E MURD]S IT6 ,:,A,T A MUSICIAN6 ,:,A,T A ,BEE?OV560 7HE ALWAYS PRON\NC$ ! COMPOS]'S NAME ) ESPECIAL IRONY74 0,WRONG AGA96 ,N[--A SECOND TIME6 ,?AT'S IT60 & SO ON4 ,MEAN:ILE ,KAT5KA & ,I W]E SITT+ BY ! TEA-TABLE1 & SOMEH[ %E BEGAN TO TALK AB\T H] FAVORITE SUBJECT--LOVE4 ,I WAS 9 ! RI<T FRAME ( M9D TO PHILOSOPHIZE1 & BEGAN BY L(TILY DEF9+ LOVE AS ! WI% TO ACQUIRE 9 ANO!R :AT ONE DOES NOT POSSESS 9 ONESELF4 ,TO ?IS ,KAT5KA RETORT$ ?AT1 ON ! CONTR>Y1 LOVE IS NOT LOVE AT ALL IF A GIRL DESIRES TO M>RY A MAN = HIS MONEY ALONE1 BUT ?AT1 9 H] OP9ION1 RI*ES W]E A VA9 ?+1 & TRUE LOVE ONLY ! AFFECTION :I* CAN /& ! TE/ ( SEP>ATION 7?IS ,I TOOK TO BE A H9T CONC]N+ H] LOVE = ,DUBK(F74 ,AT ?IS PO9T ,WOLODA1 :O MU/ HAVE BE5 LI/5+ ALL ! TIME1 RAIS$ HIMSELF ON HIS ELB[1 & CRI$ \T SOME RUBBI% OR ANO!R2 & ,I FELT ?AT HE WAS RI<T4 

,AP>T FROM ! G5]AL FACULTIES 7MORE OR LESS DEVELOP$ 9 DIFF]5T P]SONS7 ( 9TELLECT1 S5SIBILITY1 & >TI/IC FEEL+1 !RE ALSO EXI/S 7MORE OR LESS DEVELOP$ 9 DIFF]5T CIRCLES ( SOCIETY1 & ESPECIALLY 9 FAMILIES7 A PRIVATE OR 9DIVIDUAL FACULTY :I* ,I MAY CALL ,A,P,P,R,E,H,5,S,I,O,N4 ,! ESS5CE ( ?IS FACULTY LIES 9 SYMPA!TIC APPRECIATION ( PROPORTION1 & 9 ID5TICAL UND]/&+ ( ?+S4 ,TWO 9DIVIDUALS :O POSSESS ?IS FACULTY & BELONG TO ! SAME SOCIAL CIRCLE OR ! SAME FAMILY APPREH5D AN EXPRESSION ( FEEL+ PRECISELY TO ! SAME PO9T1 NAMELY1 ! PO9T BEYOND :I* SU* EXPRESSION BECOMES M]E PHRAS+4 ,?US !Y APPREH5D PRECISELY :]E COMM5DATION 5DS & IRONY BEG9S1 :]E ATTRACTION 5DS & PRET5SE BEG9S1 9 A MANN] :I* W\LD BE IMPOSSIBLE = P]SONS POSSESS$ ( A DIFF]5T ORD] ( APPREH5SION4 ,P]SONS POSSESS$ ( ID5TICAL APPREH5SION VIEW OBJECTS 9 AN ID5TICALLY LUDICR\S1 BEAUTIFUL1 OR REPELL5T LI<T2 & 9 ORD] TO FACILITATE SU* ID5TICAL APPREH5SION BETWE5 MEMB]S ( ! SAME SOCIAL CIRCLE OR FAMILY1 !Y USUALLY E/ABLI% A LANGUAGE1 TURNS ( SPEE*1 OR T]MS TO DEF9E SU* %ADES ( APPREH5SION AS EXI/ = !M ALONE4 ,9 \R P>TICUL> FAMILY SU* APPREH5SION WAS COMMON TO ,PAPA1 ,WOLODA1 & MYSELF1 & WAS DEVELOP$ TO ! HI<E/ PIT*1 ,DUBK(F ALSO APPROXIMAT$ TO \R COT]IE 9 APPREH5SION1 BUT ,DIMITRI1 ?\< 9F9ITELY MORE 9TELLECTUAL ?AN ,DUBK(F1 WAS GROSS] 9 ?IS RESPECT4 ,) NO ONE1 H[EV]1 DID ,I BR+ ?IS FACULTY TO SU* A PO9T AS ) ,WOLODA1 :O HAD GR[N UP ) ME UND] ID5TICAL CONDITIONS4 ,PAPA /OOD A LONG WAY FROM US1 & MU* ?AT WAS TO US AS CLE> AS 0TWO & TWO MAKE F\R0 WAS TO HIM 9COMPREH5SIBLE4 ,= 9/ANCE1 ,I & ,WOLODA MANAG$ TO E/ABLI% BETWE5 \RSELVES ! FOLL[+ T]MS1 ) MEAN+S TO CORRESPOND4 ,IZIUM .<,RAIS9S4.> MEANT A DESIRE TO BOA/ ( ONE'S MONEY2 %I%KA .<,BUMP OR SWELL+4.> 7ON PRON\NC+ :I* ONE HAD TO JO9 ONE'S F+]S TOGE!R1 & TO PUT A P>TICUL> EMPHASIS UPON ! TWO %'S 9 ! WORD7 MEANT ANY?+ FRE%1 HEAL?Y1 & COMELY1 BUT NOT ELEGANT2 A SUB/ANTIVE US$ 9 ! PLURAL MEANT AN UNDUE P>TIALITY = ! OBJECT :I* IT D5OT$2 & SO =?1 & SO =?4 ,AT ! SAME TIME1 ! MEAN+ DEP5D$ CONSID]ABLY UPON ! EXPRESSION ( ! FACE & ! CONTEXT ( ! CONV]SATION2 SO ?AT1 NO MATT] :AT NEW EXPRESSION ONE ( US MI<T 9V5T TO DEF9E A %ADE ( FEEL+ ! O!R C\LD IMM$IATELY UND]/& IT BY A H9T ALONE4 ,! GIRLS DID NOT %>E ?IS FACULTY ( APPREH5SION1 & H]E9 LAY ! *IEF CAUSE ( \R MORAL E/RANGEM5T1 & ( ! CONTEMPT :I* WE FELT = !M4 

,IT MAY BE ?AT !Y TOO HAD !IR 0APPREH5SION10 BUT IT SO LITTLE RAN ) \RS ?AT1 :]E WE ALREADY P]CEIV$ ! 0PHRAS+10 !Y /ILL SAW ONLY ! FEEL+--\R IRONY WAS = !M TRU?1 & SO ON4 ,AT ?AT TIME ,I HAD NOT YET LE>N$ TO UND]/& ?AT !Y W]E 9 NO WAY TO BLAME = ?IS1 & ?AT ABS5CE ( SU* APPREH5SION 9 NO WAY PREV5T$ !M FROM BE+ GOOD & CLEV] GIRLS4 ,ACCORD+LY ,I LOOK$ D[N UPON !M4 ,MOREOV]1 HAV+ ONCE LIT UPON MY PRECI\S IDEA ( 0FRANKNESS10 & BE+ B5T UPON APPLY+ IT TO ! FULL 9 MYSELF1 ,I ?\<T ! QUIET1 CONFID+ NATURE ( ,LUBOT%KA GUILTY ( SECRETIV5ESS & DISSIMULATION SIMPLY BECAUSE %E SAW NO NECESSITY = DIGG+ UP & EXAM9+ ALL H] ?\<TS & 9/9CTS4 ,= 9/ANCE1 ! FACT ?AT %E ALWAYS SIGN$ ! SIGN ( ! CROSS OV] ,PAPA BE=E GO+ TO B$1 ?AT %E & ,KAT5KA 9V>IABLY WEPT 9 *UR* :5 ATT5D+ REQUIEM MASSES = ,MAMA1 & ?AT ,KAT5KA SI<$ & ROLL$ H] EYES AB\T :5 PLAY+ ! PIANO--ALL !SE ?+S SEEM$ TO ME %E] MAKE-BELIEVE1 & ,I ASK$ MYSELF3 0,AT :AT P]IOD DID !Y LE>N TO PRET5D LIKE GR[N-UP PEOPLE1 & H[ CAN !Y BR+ !MSELVES TO DO IT80 

,FROM 3 ,GUT5B]G4ORG4 

,*RONOLOGY 3 
,NOVEMB] #c1 #ahef 3 ,*APT] #bi -- ,PUBLICATION4 
,JUNE #d1 #bba 3 ,*APT] #bi -- ,ADD$4 

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