,*APT] #c 

,PEOPLE 3 

,AU?OR 3 ,ALB]T ,CAMUS 

,TEXT 3 

,I,I,I 

,R,E,A,L,L,Y1 MON *] COMPATRIOTE1 ,I AM GRATEFUL TO Y\ = Y\R CURIOSITY4 ,H[EV]1 !RE IS NO?+ 
EXTRAORD9>Y AB\T MY /ORY4 ,S9CE Y\ >E 9T]E/$1 ,I'LL TELL Y\ ?AT ,I ?\<T A LITTLE AB\T ?AT 
LAU<1 = A FEW DAYS1 !N =GOT AB\T IT4 ,ONCE 9 A GREAT :ILE1 ,I SEEM$ TO HE> IT )9 ME4 ,BUT 
MO/ ( ! TIME1 )\T MAK+ ANY EF=T1 ,I ?\<T ( O!R ?+S4 

,YET ,I MU/ ADMIT ?AT ,I CEAS$ TO WALK ALONG ! ,P>IS QUAYS4 ,:5 ,I W\LD RIDE ALONG !M 9 A 
C> OR BUS1 A SORT ( SIL5CE W\LD DESC5D ON ME4 ,I WAS WAIT+1 ,I BELIEVE4 ,BUT ,I W\LD CROSS ! 
,SE9E1 NO?+ W\LD HAPP51 & ,I W\LD BREA! AGA94 ,I ALSO HAD SOME HEAL? PROBLEMS AT ?AT 
TIME4 ,NO?+ DEF9ITE1 A DEJECTION P]HAPS1 A SORT ( DIFFICULTY 9 RECOV]+ MY GOOD SPIRITS4 ,I SAW 
DOCTORS1 :O GAVE ME /IMULANTS4 ,I WAS ALT]NATELY /IMULAT$ & DEPRESS$4 ,LIFE BECAME LESS EASY 
= ME3 :5 ! BODY IS SAD ! HE>T LANGUI%ES4 ,IT SEEM$ TO ME ?AT ,I WAS HALF UNLE>N+ :AT ,I 
HAD NEV] LE>N$ & YET KNEW SO WELL--H[ TO LIVE4 ,YES1 ,I ?9K IT WAS PROBABLY !N ?AT 
EV]Y?+ BEGAN4 

,BUT ?IS EV5+ ,I DON'T FEEL QUITE UP TO SNUFF EI!R4 ,I EV5 F9D TR\BLE EXPRESS+ MYSELF4 ,I'M 
NOT TALK+ SO WELL1 IT SEEMS TO ME1 & MY WORDS >E LESS ASSUR$4 ,PROBABLY ! WEA!R4 ,IT'S H>D TO 
BREA!2 ! AIR IS SO HEAVY IT WEI<S ON ONE'S *E/4 ,W\LD Y\ OBJECT1 MON *] COMPATRIOTE1 TO GO+ 
\T & WALK+ 9 ! T[N A LITTLE8 ,?ANK Y\4 

,H[ BEAUTIFUL ! CANALS >E ?IS EV5+6 ,I LIKE ! BREA? ( /AGNANT WAT]S1 ! SMELL ( DEAD 
LEAVES SOAK+ 9 ! CANAL & ! FUN]EAL SC5T RIS+ FROM ! B>GES LOAD$ ) FL[]S4 ,NO1 NO1 
!RE'S NO?+ MORBID AB\T SU* A TA/E1 ,I ASSURE Y\4 ,ON ! CONTR>Y1 IT'S DELIB]ATE ) ME4 ,! 
TRU? IS ?AT ,I =CE MYSELF TO ADMIRE !SE CANALS4 ,:AT ,I LIKE MO/ 9 ! WORLD IS ,SICILY1 Y\ SEE1 
& ESPECIALLY FROM ! TOP ( ,ETNA1 9 ! SUNLI<T1 PROVID$ ,I DOM9ATE ! ISL& & ! SEA4 ,JAVA1 
TOO1 BUT AT ! TIME ( ! TRADE W9DS4 ,YES1 ,I W5T !RE 9 MY Y\?4 ,9 A G5]AL WAY1 ,I LIKE ALL 
ISL&S4 ,IT IS EASI] TO DOM9ATE !M4 

 ,*>M+ H\SE1 ISN'T IT8 ,! TWO HEADS Y\ SEE UP !RE >E HEADS ( ,NEGRO SLAVES4 ,A %OP 
SIGN4 ,! H\SE BELONG$ TO A SLAVE DEAL]4 ,OH1 !Y W]5'T SQUEAMI% 9 ?OSE DAYS6 ,!Y HAD 
ASSURANCE2 !Y ANN\NC$3 0,Y\ SEE1 ,I'M A MAN ( SUB/ANCE2 ,I'M 9 ! SLAVE TRADE2 ,I DEAL 9 BLACK 
FLE%40 ,CAN Y\ IMAG9E ANYONE TODAY MAK+ IT KN[N PUBLICLY ?AT SU* IS HIS BUS9ESS8 ,:AT A 
SC&AL6 ,I CAN HE> MY ,P>ISIAN COLLEAGUES RI<T N[4 ,!Y >E ADAMANT ON ! SUBJECT2 !Y W\LDN'T 
HESITATE TO LAUN* TWO OR ?REE MANIFE/OES1 MAYBE EV5 MORE6 ,& ON REFLECTION1 ,I'D ADD MY 
SIGNATURE TO !IRS4 ,SLAV]Y8--C]TA9LY NOT1 WE >E AGA9/ IT6 ,?AT WE %\LD BE =C$ TO E/ABLI% IT 
AT HOME OR 9 \R FACTORIES--WELL1 ?AT'S NATURAL2 BUT BOA/+ AB\T IT1 ?AT'S ! LIMIT6 

,I AM WELL AW>E ?AT ONE CAN'T GET ALONG )\T DOM9E]+ OR BE+ S]V$4 ,EV]Y MAN NE$S 
SLAVES AS HE NE$S FRE% AIR4 ,COMM&+ IS BREA?+--Y\ AGREE ) ME8 ,& EV5 ! MO/ 
DE/ITUTE MANAGE TO BREA!4 ,! L[E/ MAN 9 ! SOCIAL SCALE /ILL HAS HIS WIFE OR HIS *ILD4 ,IF HE'S 
UNM>RI$1 A DOG4 ,! ESS5TIAL ?+1 AFT] ALL1 IS BE+ ABLE TO GET ANGRY ) SOMEONE :O HAS NO 
 RI<T TO TALK BACK4 0,ONE DOESN'T TALK BACK TO ONE'S FA!R0--Y\ KN[ ! EXPRESSION8 ,9 ONE 
WAY IT IS V]Y ODD4 ,TO :OM %\LD ONE TALK BACK 9 ?IS WORLD IF NOT TO :AT ONE LOVES8 ,9 ANO!R 
WAY1 IT IS CONV9C+4 ,SOMEBODY HAS TO HAVE ! LA/ WORD4 ,O!RWISE1 EV]Y REASON CAN BE ANSW]$ 
) ANO!R ONE & !RE W\LD NEV] BE AN 5D TO IT4 ,P[]1 ON ! O!R H&1 SETTLES 
EV]Y?+4 ,IT TOOK TIME1 BUT WE F9ALLY REALIZ$ ?AT4 ,= 9/ANCE1 Y\ MU/ HAVE NOTIC$ ?AT \R 
OLD ,EUROPE AT LA/ PHILOSOPHIZES 9 ! RI<T WAY4 ,WE NO LONG] SAY AS 9 SIMPLE TIMES3 0,?IS IS ! 
WAY ,I ?9K4 ,:AT >E Y\R OBJECTIONS80 ,WE HAVE BECOME LUCID4 ,= ! DIALOGUE WE HAVE 
SUB/ITUT$ ! COMMUNIQUE3 0,?IS IS ! TRU?10 WE SAY4 0,Y\ CAN DISCUSS IT AS MU* AS Y\ WANT2 
WE >5'T 9T]E/$4 ,BUT 9 A FEW YE>S !RE'LL BE ! POLICE :O WILL %[ Y\ WE >E RI<T40 
,AH1 ?IS DE> OLD PLANET6 ,ALL IS CLE> N[4 ,WE KN[ \RSELVES2 WE N[ KN[ ( :AT WE >E 
CAPABLE4 ,JU/ TAKE ME1 TO *ANGE EXAMPLES IF NOT SUBJECTS1 ,I HAVE ALWAYS WANT$ TO BE S]V$ ) A 
SMILE4 ,IF ! MAID LOOK$ SAD1 %E POISON$ MY DAYS4 ,%E HAD A RI<T NOT TO BE *E]FUL1 TO BE 
SURE4 ,BUT ,I TOLD MYSELF ?AT IT WAS BETT] = H] TO P]=M H] S]VICE ) A LAU< ?AN ) TE>S4 

,9 FACT1 IT WAS BETT] = ME4 ,YET1 )\T BOA/+1 MY REASON+ WAS NOT ALTOGE!R IDIOTIC4 

,LIKEWISE1 ,I ALWAYS REFUS$ TO EAT 9 ,*9ESE RE/AURANTS4 ,:Y8 ,BECAUSE ,ORI5TALS :5 !Y >E SIL5T 
& 9 ! PRES5CE ( :ITES (T5 LOOK SCORNFUL4 ,NATURALLY !Y KEEP ?AT LOOK :5 S]V+4 ,H[ 
!N CAN Y\ 5JOY ! GLAZ$ *ICK58 ,&1 ABOVE ALL1 H[ CAN Y\ LOOK AT !M & ?9K Y\ >E 
RI<T8 

,JU/ BETWE5 US1 SLAV]Y1 PREF]ABLY ) A SMILE1 IS 9EVITABLE !N4 ,BUT WE MU/ NOT ADMIT IT4 ,ISN'T 
IT BETT] ?AT :OEV] CANNOT DO )\T HAV+ SLAVES %\LD CALL !M FREE M58 ,= ! PR9CIPLE 
TO BEG9 )1 &1 SECONDLY1 NOT TO DRIVE !M TO DESPAIR4 ,WE [E !M ?AT COMP5SATION1 DON'T 
WE8 ,9 ?AT WAY1 !Y WILL CONT9UE TO SMILE & WE %ALL MA9TA9 \R GOOD CONSCI5CE4 ,O!RWISE1 
WE'D BE OBLIG$ TO RECONSID] \R OP9ION ( \RSELVES2 WE'D GO MAD ) SUFF]+1 OR EV5 BECOME 
MODE/--= EV]Y?+ W\LD BE POSSIBLE4 ,CONSEQU5TLY1 NO %OP SIGNS1 & ?IS ONE IS %OCK+4 

,BESIDES1 IF EV]YONE TOLD ALL1 DISPLAY$ HIS TRUE PR(ESSION & ID5TITY1 WE %\LDN'T KN[ :I* 
 WAY TO TURN6 ,IMAG9E ! VISIT+ C>DS3 ,DUPONT1 JITT]Y PHILOSOPH]1 OR ,*RI/IAN L&[N]1 OR 
ADULT]\S HUMANI/--9DE$1 !RE'S A WIDE *OICE4 ,BUT IT W\LD BE HELL6 ,YES1 HELL MU/ BE LIKE ?AT3 

/REETS FILL$ ) %OP SIGNS & NO WAY ( EXPLA9+ ONESELF4 ,ONE IS CLASSIFI$ ONCE & = ALL4 

,Y\1 = 9/ANCE1 MON *] COMPATRIOTE1 /OP & ?9K ( :AT Y\R SIGN W\LD BE4 ,Y\ >E SIL5T8 

,WELL1 Y\'LL TELL ME LAT] ON4 ,I KN[ M9E 9 ANY CASE3 A D\BLE FACE1 A *>M+ ,JANUS1 & ABOVE IT 
! MOTTO ( ! H\SE3 0,DON'T RELY ON IT40 ,ON MY C>DS3 0,JEAN-,BAPTI/E ,CLAM5CE1 PLAY ACTOR40 
,:Y1 %ORTLY AFT] ! EV5+ ,I TOLD Y\ AB\T1 ,I DISCOV]$ SOME?+4 ,:5 ,I W\LD LEAVE A BL9D 
MAN ON ! SIDEWALK TO :I* ,I HAD CONVOY$ HIM1 ,I US$ TO TIP MY HAT TO HIM4 ,OBVI\SLY ! HAT 
TIPP+ WASN'T 9T5D$ = HIM1 S9CE HE C\LDN'T SEE IT4 ,TO :OM WAS IT ADDRESS$8 ,TO ! PUBLIC4 

,AFT] PLAY+ MY P>T1 ,I W\LD TAKE ! B[4 ,NOT BAD1 EH8 ,ANO!R DAY DUR+ ! SAME P]IOD1 TO A 
MOTORI/ :O WAS ?ANK+ ME = HELP+ HIM1 ,I REPLI$ ?AT NO ONE W\LD HAVE DONE AS MU*4 ,I 
MEANT1 ( C\RSE1 ANYONE4 ,BUT ?AT UN=TUNATE SLIP WEI<$ HEAVY ON ME4 ,= MODE/Y1 REALLY1 ,I 
TOOK ! CAKE4 

,I HAVE TO ADMIT IT HUMBLY1 MON *] COMPATRIOTE1 ,I WAS ALWAYS BUR/+ ) VANITY4 ,I1 ,I1 ,I IS ! 
REFRA9 ( MY :OLE LIFE1 :I* C\LD BE HE>D 9 EV]Y?+ ,I SAID4 ,I C\LD NEV] TALK )\T 
BOA/+1 ESPECIALLY IF ,I DID SO ) ?AT %ATT]+ DISCRETION ?AT WAS MY SPECIALTY4 ,IT IS QUITE TRUE 
?AT ,I ALWAYS LIV$ FREE & P[]FUL4 ,I SIMPLY FELT RELEAS$ 9 REG>D TO ALL = ! EXCELL5T REASON 
?AT ,I RECOGNIZ$ NO EQUALS4 ,I ALWAYS CONSID]$ MYSELF MORE 9TELLIG5T ?AN EV]YONE ELSE1 AS ,I'VE 
TOLD Y\1 BUT ALSO MORE S5SITIVE & MORE SKILLFUL1 A CRACK %OT1 AN 9COMP>ABLE DRIV]1 A BETT] 
LOV]4 ,EV5 9 ! FIELDS 9 :I* IT WAS EASY = ME TO V]IFY MY 9F]IORITY--LIKE T5NIS1 = 
9/ANCE1 9 :I* ,I WAS BUT A PASSABLE P>TN]--IT WAS H>D = ME NOT TO ?9K ?AT1 ) A LITTLE 
TIME = PRACTICE1 ,I W\LD SURPASS ! BE/ PLAY]S4 ,I ADMITT$ ONLY SUP]IORITIES 9 ME & ?IS 
EXPLA9$ MY GOOD WILL & S]5ITY4 ,:5 ,I WAS CONC]N$ ) O!RS1 ,I WAS SO \T ( PURE 
CONDESC5SION1 9 UTT] FRE$OM1 & ALL ! CR$IT W5T TO ME3 MY SELF-E/EEM W\LD GO UP A DEGREE4 

 ,ALONG ) A FEW O!R TRU?S1 ,I DISCOV]$ !SE FACTS LITTLE BY LITTLE 9 ! P]IOD FOLL[+ 
! EV5+ ,I TOLD Y\ AB\T4 ,NOT ALL AT ONCE NOR V]Y CLE>LY4 ,FIR/ ,I HAD TO RECOV] MY MEMORY4 ,BY 
GRADUAL DEGRESS ,I SAW MORE CLE>LY1 ,I LE>N$ A LITTLE ( :AT ,I KNEW4 ,UNTIL !N ,I HAD ALWAYS BE5 
AID$ BY AN EXTRAORD9>Y ABILITY TO =GET4 ,I US$ TO =GET EV]Y?+1 BEG9N+ ) MY 
RESOLUTIONS4 ,FUNDAM5TALLY1 NO?+ MATT]$4 ,W>1 SUICIDE1 LOVE1 POV]TY GOT MY ATT5TION1 ( 
C\RSE1 :5 CIRCUM/ANCES =C$ ME1 BUT A C\RTE\S1 SUP]FICIAL ATT5TION4 ,AT TIMES1 ,I W\LD 
PRET5D TO GET EXCIT$ AB\T SOME CAUSE =EIGN TO MY DAILY LIFE4 ,BUT BASICALLY ,I DIDN'T REALLY TAKE P>T 
9 IT EXCEPT1 ( C\RSE1 :5 MY FRE$OM WAS ?W>T$4 ,H[ CAN ,I EXPRESS IT8 ,EV]Y?+ SLID (F-- 
YES1 JU/ ROLL$ (F ME4 

,9 ! 9T]E/ ( FAIRNESS1 IT %\LD BE SAID ?AT SOMETIMES MY =GETFULNESS WAS PRAISEWOR?Y4 

,Y\ HAVE NOTIC$ ?AT !RE >E PEOPLE :OSE RELIGION CONSI/S 9 =GIV+ ALL (F5SES1 & :O DO 
9 FACT =GIVE !M BUT NEV] =GET !M8 ,I WASN'T GOOD 5\< TO =GIVE (F5SES1 BUT EV5TUALLY 
,I ALWAYS =GOT !M4 ,& ! MAN :O ?\<T ,I HAT$ HIM C\LDN'T GET OV] SEE+ ME TIP MY 
HAT TO HIM ) A SMILE4 ,ACCORD+ TO HIS NATURE1 HE W\LD !N ADMIRE MY NOBILITY ( *>ACT] OR 
SCORN MY ILL BRE$+ )\T REALIZ+ ?AT MY REASON WAS SIMPL]3 ,I HAD =GOTT5 HIS V]Y NAME4 

,! SAME 9FIRMITY ?AT (T5 MADE ME 9DIFF]5T OR UNGRATEFUL 9 SU* CASES MADE ME 
MAGNANIM\S4 

,I LIV$ CONSEQU5TLY )\T ANY O!R CONT9UITY ?AN ?AT1 FROM DAY TO DAY1 ( ,I1 ,I1 ,I4 ,FROM DAY 
TO DAY WOM51 FROM DAY TO DAY VIRTUE OR VICE1 FROM DAY TO DAY1 LIKE DOGS--BUT EV]Y DAY MYSELF 
SECURE AT MY PO/4 ,?US ,I PROGRESS$ ON ! SURFACE ( LIFE1 9 ! REALM ( WORDS AS IT W]E1 NEV] 9 
REALITY4 ,ALL ?OSE BOOKS B>ELY READ1 ?OSE FRI5DS B>ELY LOV$1 ?OSE CITIES B>ELY VISIT$1 ?OSE 
WOM5 B>ELY POSSESS$6 ,I W5T ?R\< ! GE/URES \T ( BOR$OM OR ABS5TM9D$NESS4 ,!N 
CAME HUMAN BE+S2 !Y WANT$ TO CL+1 BUT !RE WAS NO?+ TO CL+ TO1 & ?AT WAS 
UN=TUNATE--= !M4 ,AS = ME1 ,I =GOT4 ,I NEV] REMEMB]$ ANY?+ BUT MYSELF4 

,GRADUALLY1 H[EV]1 MY MEMORY RETURN$4 ,OR RA!R1 ,I RETURN$ TO IT1 & 9 IT ,I F\ND ! 
RECOLLECTION ?AT WAS AWAIT+ ME4 ,BUT BE=E TELL+ Y\ ( IT1 ALL[ ME1 MON *] COMPATRIOTE1 TO GIVE 
Y\ A FEW EXAMPLES 7!Y WILL BE USEFUL TO Y\1 ,I AM SURE7 ( :AT ,I DISCOV]$ 9 ! C\RSE ( MY 
EXPLORATION4 

,ONE DAY 9 MY C> :5 ,I WAS SL[ 9 MAK+ A GETAWAY AT ! GRE5 LI<T :ILE \R PATI5T 
FELL[ CITIZ5S IMM$IATELY BEGAN HONK+ FURI\SLY BEH9D ME1 ,I SUDD5LY REMEMB]$ ANO!R 
OCCASION SET 9 SIMIL> CIRCUM/ANCES4 ,A MOTORCYCLE RIDD5 BY A SP>E LITTLE MAN WE>+ SPECTACLES 
& PLUS F\RS HAD GONE >\ND ME & PLANT$ ITSELF 9 FRONT ( ME AT ! R$ LI<T4 ,AS HE CAME TO A 
/OP ! LITTLE MAN HAD /ALL$ HIS MOTOR & WAS VA9LY /RIV+ TO REVIVE IT4 ,:5 ! LI<T *ANG$1 
,I ASK$ HIM ) MY USUAL C\RTESY TO TAKE HIS MOTORCYCLE \T ( MY WAY SO ,I MI<T PASS4 ,! LITTLE 
MAN WAS GETT+ IRRITABLE OV] HIS :EEZY MOTOR4 ,H5CE HE REPLI$1 ACCORD+ TO ! RULES ( ,P>ISIAN 
C\RTESY1 ?AT ,I C\LD GO CLIMB A TREE4 ,I 9SI/$1 /ILL POLITE1 BUT ) A SLI<T %ADE ( IMPATI5CE 9 
MY VOICE4 ,I WAS IMM$IATELY TOLD ?AT 9 ANY CASE ,I C\LD GO /RAI<T TO HELL4 ,MEAN:ILE SEV]AL HORNS 
BEGAN TO BE HE>D BEH9D ME4 ,) GREAT] FIRMNESS ,I BEGG$ MY 9T]LOCUTOR TO BE POLITE & 
TO REALIZE ?AT HE WAS BLOCK+ TRAFFIC4 ,! IRASCIBLE *>ACT]1 PROBABLY EXASP]AT$ BY ! N[ 
EVID5T ILL WILL ( HIS MOTOR1 9=M$ ME ?AT IF ,I WANT$ :AT HE CALL$ A ?OR\< DU/+ (F HE 
W\LD GLADLY GIVE IT TO ME4 ,SU* CYNICISM FILL$ ME ) A HEAL?Y RAGE & ,I GOT \T ( MY C> ) 
! 9T5TION ( ?RA%+ ?IS CO>SE 9DIVIDUAL4 ,I DON'T ?9K ,I AM C[>DLY 7BUT :AT DOESN'T ONE 
?9K672 ,I WAS A HEAD TALL] ?AN MY ADV]S>Y & MY MUSCLES HAVE ALWAYS BE5 RELIABLE4 ,I /ILL BELIEVE 
! DU/+ (F W\LD HAVE BE5 RECEIV$ RA!R ?AN GIV54 ,BUT ,I HAD H>DLY SET FOOT ON ! 
PAVEM5T :5 FROM ! GA!R+ CR[D A MAN /EPP$ =?1 RU%$ AT ME1 ASSUR$ ME ?AT ,I WAS 
! L[E/ ( ! L[ & ?AT HE W\LD NOT ALL[ ME TO /RIKE A MAN :O HAD A MOTORCYCLE BETWE5 
HIS LEGS & H5CE WAS AT A DISADVANTAGE4 ,I TURN$ T[>D ?IS MUSKETE] &1 9 TRU?1 DIDN'T EV5 
SEE HIM4 ,9DE$1 H>DLY HAD ,I TURN$ MY HEAD :51 ALMO/ SIMULTANE\SLY1 ,I HE>D ! MOTORCYCLE 
BEG9 POPP+ AGA9 & RECEIV$ A VIOL5T BL[ ON ! E>4 ,BE=E ,I HAD ! TIME TO REGI/] :AT 
HAD HAPP5$1 ! MOTORCYCLE RODE AWAY4 ,DAZ$1 ,I ME*ANICALLY WALK$ T[>D D',>TAGNAN 
:51 AT ! SAME MOM5T1 AN EXASP]AT$ CONC]T ( HORNS ROSE FROM ! N[ CONSID]ABLE L9E ( 
VEHICLES4 ,! LI<T WAS *ANG+ TO GRE54 ,!N1 /ILL SOME:AT BEWILD]$1 9/EAD ( GIV+ A 
DRUBB+ TO ! IDIOT :O HAD ADDRESS$ ME1 ,I DOCILELY RETURN$ TO MY C> & DROVE (F4 ,AS ,I 
PASS$1 ! IDIOT GREET$ ME ) A 0POOR DOPE0 ?AT ,I /ILL RECALL4 

,A TOTALLY 9SIGNIFICANT /ORY1 9 Y\R OP9ION8 ,PROBABLY4 ,/ILL IT TOOK ME SOME TIME TO =GET IT1 & 
?AT'S :AT C\NTS4 ,YET ,I HAD EXCUSES4 ,I HAD LET MYSELF BE BEAT5 )\T REPLY+1 BUT ,I C\LD NOT BE 
ACCUS$ ( C[>DICE4 ,TAK5 BY SURPRISE1 ADDRESS$ FROM BO? SIDES1 ,I HAD MIX$ EV]Y?+ UP & 
! HORNS HAD PUT ! F9I%+ T\* TO MY EMB>RASSM5T4 ,YET ,I WAS UNHAPPY AB\T ?IS AS IF ,I 
HAD VIOLAT$ ! CODE ( HONOR4 ,I C\LD SEE MYSELF GETT+ BACK 9TO MY C> )\T A REACTION1 UND] 
! IRONIC GAZE ( A CR[D ESPECIALLY DELI<T$ BECAUSE1 AS ,I RECALL1 ,I WAS WE>+ A V]Y ELEGANT BLUE 
SUIT4 ,I C\LD HE> ! 0POOR DOPE0 :I*1 9 SPITE ( EV]Y?+1 /RUCK ME AS JU/IFI$4 ,9 %ORT1 ,I 
HAD COLLAPS$ 9 PUBLIC4 ,AS A RESULT ( A S]IES ( CIRCUM/ANCES1 TO BE SURE1 BUT !RE >E ALWAYS 
CIRCUM/ANCES4 ,AS AN AFT]?\<T ,I CLE>LY SAW :AT ,I %\LD HAVE DONE4 ,I SAW MYSELF FELL+ 
D',>TAGNAN ) A GOOD HOOK TO ! JAW1 GETT+ BACK 9TO MY C>1 PURSU+ ! MONKEY :O HAD 
/RUCK ME1 OV]TAK+ HIM1 JAMM+ HIS MA*9E AGA9/ ! CURB1 TAK+ HIM ASIDE1 & GIV+ HIM 
! LICK+ HE HAD FULLY DES]V$4 ,) A FEW V>IANTS1 ,I RAN (F ?IS LITTLE FILM A HUNDR$ TIMES 9 MY 
IMAG9ATION4 ,BUT IT WAS TOO LATE1 & = SEV]AL DAYS ,I *EW$ A BITT] RES5TM5T4 

,:Y1 IT'S RA9+ AGA94 ,LET'S /OP1 %ALL WE1 UND] ?IS PORTICO8 ,GOOD4 ,:]E WAS ,I8 ,OH1 YES1 
HONOR6 ,WELL1 :5 ,I RECOV]$ ! RECOLLECTION ( ?AT EPISODE1 ,I REALIZ$ :AT IT MEANT4 ,AFT] ALL1 MY 
DREAM HAD NOT /OOD UP TO FACTS4 ,I HAD DREAM$--?IS WAS N[ CLE>--( BE+ A COMPLETE MAN 
:O MANAG$ TO MAKE HIMSELF RESPECT$ 9 HIS P]SON AS WELL AS 9 HIS PR(ESSION4 ,HALF ,C]DAN1 HALF 
DE ,GAULLE1 IF Y\ WILL4 ,9 %ORT1 ,I WANT$ TO DOM9ATE 9 ALL ?+S4 ,?IS IS :Y ,I ASSUM$ ! MAN- 
N]1 MADE A P>TICUL> PO9T ( DISPLAY+ MY PHYSICAL SKILL RA!R ?AN MY 9TELLECTUAL GIFTS4 ,BUT AFT] 
HAV+ BE5 /RUCK 9 PUBLIC )\T REACT+1 IT WAS NO LONG] POSSIBLE = ME TO *]I% ?AT 
F9E PICTURE ( MYSELF4 ,IF ,I HAD BE5 ! FRI5D ( TRU? & 9TELLIG5CE ,I CLAIM$ TO BE1 :AT W\LD 
?AT EPISODE HAVE MATT]$ TO ME8 ,IT WAS ALREADY =GOTT5 BY ?OSE :O HAD WITNESS$ IT4 ,I'D HAVE 
B>ELY ACCUS$ MYSELF ( HAV+ GOT ANGRY OV] NO?+ & ALSO1 HAV+ GOT ANGRY1 ( NOT HAV+ 
MANAG$ TO FACE UP TO ! CONSEQU5CES ( MY ANG]1 = WANT ( PRES5CE ( M9D4 ,9/EAD ( ?AT1 
,I WAS EAG] TO GET MY REV5GE1 TO /RIKE & CONQU]4 ,AS IF MY TRUE DESIRE W]E NOT TO BE ! MO/ 
9TELLIG5T OR MO/ G5]\S CREATURE ON E>?1 BUT ONLY TO BEAT ANYONE ,I WANT$1 TO BE ! /RONG]1 
9 %ORT1 & 9 ! MO/ ELEM5T>Y WAY4 ,! TRU? IS ?AT EV]Y 9TELLIG5T MAN1 AS Y\ KN[1 
DREAMS ( BE+ A GANG/] & ( RUL+ OV] SOCIETY BY =CE ALONE4 ,AS IT IS NOT SO EASY AS ! 
DETECTIVE NOVELS MI<T LEAD ONE TO BELIEVE1 ONE G5]ALLY RELIES ON POLITICS & JO9S ! CRUELE/ 
P>TY4 ,:AT DOES IT MATT]1 AFT] ALL1 IF BY HUMILIAT+ ONE'S M9D ONE SUCCE$S 9 DOM9AT+ 
EV]YONE8 ,I DISCOV]$ 9 MYSELF SWEET DREAMS ( OPPRESSION4 

,I LE>N$ AT LEA/ ?AT ,I WAS ON ! SIDE ( ! GUILTY1 ! ACCUS$1 ONLY 9 EXACTLY SO F> AS 
!IR CRIME CAUS$ ME NO H>M4 ,!IR GUILT MADE ME ELOQU5T BECAUSE ,I WAS NOT ITS VICTIM4 ,:5 ,I 
WAS ?REAT5$1 ,I BECAME NOT ONLY A JUDGE 9 TURN BUT EV5 MORE3 AN IRASCIBLE MA/] :O WANT$1 
REG>DLESS ( ALL LAWS1 TO /RIKE D[N ! (F5D] & GET HIM ON HIS KNEES4 ,AFT] ?AT1 MON *] 
COMPATRIOTE1 IT IS V]Y H>D TO CONT9UE S]I\SLY BELIEV+ ONE HAS A VOCATION = JU/ICE & IS ! 
PR$E/9$ DEF5D] ( ! WID[ & ORPHAN4 

,S9CE ! RA9 IS COM+ D[N H>D] & WE HAVE ! TIME1 MAY ,I IMP>T TO Y\ ANO!R DIS- 
COV]Y ,I MADE1 SOON AFT]1 9 MY MEMORY8 ,LET'S SIT D[N ON ?IS B5* \T ( ! RA94 ,= C5- 
TURIES PIPE SMOK]S HAVE BE5 WAT*+ ! SAME RA9 FALL+ ON ! SAME CANAL4 ,:AT ,I HAVE TO TELL 
Y\ IS A BIT MORE DIFFICULT4 ,?IS TIME IT CONC]NS A WOMAN4 ,TO BEG9 )1 Y\ MU/ KN[ ?AT ,I 
ALWAYS SUCCE$$ ) WOM5--& )\T MU* EF=T4 ,I DON'T SAY SUCCE$ 9 MAK+ !M 
HAPPY OR EV5 9 MAK+ MYSELF HAPPY ?R\< !M4 ,NO1 SIMPLY SUCCE$4 ,I US$ TO A*IEVE MY 
5DS JU/ AB\T :5EV] ,I WANT$ ,I WAS CONSID]$ TO HAVE *>M4 ,FANCY ?AT6 ,Y\ KN[ :AT 
*>M IS3 A WAY ( GETT+ ! ANSW] YES )\T HAV+ ASK$ ANY CLE> QUE/ION4 ,& ?AT WAS 
TRUE ( ME AT ! TIME4 ,DOES ?AT SURPRISE Y\8 ,COME N[1 DON'T D5Y IT4 ,) ! FACE ,I N[ HAVE1 
?AT'S QUITE NATURAL4 ,ALAS1 AFT] A C]TA9 AGE EV]Y MAN IS RESPONSIBLE = HIS FACE4 ,M9E 444 ,BUT :AT 
MATT]8 ,IT'S A FACT--,I WAS CONSID]$ TO HAVE *>M & ,I TOOK ADVANTAGE ( IT4 

,)\T CALCULATION1 H[EV]2 ,I WAS 9 GOOD FAI?1 OR ALMO/4 ,MY RELATION%IP ) WOM5 WAS 
NATURAL1 FREE1 EASY1 AS ! SAY+ GOES4 ,NO GUILE 9 IT EXCEPT ?AT OBVI\S GUILE :I* !Y LOOK UPON 
AS A HOMAGE4 ,I LOV$ !M1 ACCORD+ TO ! HALL[$ EXPRESSION1 :I* AM\NTS TO SAY+ ?AT ,I 
NEV] LOV$ ANY ( !M4 ,I ALWAYS CONSID]$ MISOGYNY VULG> & /UPID1 & ALMO/ ALL ! WOM5 
,I HAVE KN[N SEEM$ TO ME BETT] ?AN ,I4 ,NEV]!LESS1 SETT+ !M SO HI<1 ,I MADE USE ( !M 
MORE (T5 ?AN ,I S]V$ !M4 ,H[ CAN ONE MAKE IT \T8 

,( C\RSE1 TRUE LOVE IS EXCEPTIONAL--TWO OR ?REE TIMES A C5TURY1 MORE OR LESS4 ,! RE/ ( ! 
TIME !RE IS VANITY OR BOR$OM4 ,AS = ME1 9 ANY CASE ,I WAS NOT ! ,PORTUGUESE ,NUN4 ,I AM NOT 
H>D-HE>T$2 F> FROM IT--FULL ( PITY ON ! CONTR>Y & ) A READY TE> TO BOOT4 ,ONLY1 MY 
EMOTIONAL IMPULSES ALWAYS TURN T[>D ME1 MY FEEL+S ( PITY CONC]N ME4 ,IT IS NOT TRUE1 AFT] ALL1 
?AT ,I NEV] LOV$4 ,I CONCEIV$ AT LEA/ ONE GREAT LOVE 9 MY LIFE1 ( :I* ,I WAS ALWAYS ! OBJECT4 

,FROM ?AT PO9T ( VIEW1 AFT] ! 9EVITABLE H>D%IPS ( Y\?1 ,I WAS E>LY FOCUS$3 S5SUALITY ALONE 
DOM9AT$ MY LOVE LIFE4 ,I LOOK$ M]ELY = OBJECTS ( PLEASURE & CONQUE/4 ,MOREOV]1 ,I WAS AID$ 
9 ?IS BY MY CON/ITUTION3 NATURE HAD BE5 G5]\S ) ME4 ,I WAS CONSID]ABLY PR\D ( ?IS & 
D]IV$ MANY SATISFACTIONS !REFROM--)\T MY KN[+ N[ :E!R !Y W]E PHYSICAL OR 
BAS$ ON PRE/IGE4 ,( C\RSE Y\ WILL SAY ?AT ,I AM BOA/+ AGA94 ,I %AN'T D5Y IT & ,I AM H>DLY 
PR\D ( DO+ SO1 = H]E ,I AM BOA/+ ( :AT IS TRUE4 

,9 ANY CASE1 MY S5SUALITY 7TO LIMIT MYSELF TO IT7 WAS SO REAL ?AT EV5 = A T5-M9UTE ADV5TURE 
,I'D HAVE DIS[N$ FA!R & MO!R1 EV5 W]E ,I TO REGRET IT BITT]LY4 ,9DE$--ESPECIALLY = A T5- 
M9UTE ADV5TURE & EV5 MORE SO IF ,I W]E SURE IT WAS TO HAVE NO SEQUEL4 ,I HAD PR9CIPLES1 TO BE 
SURE1 SU* AS ?AT ! WIFE ( A FRI5D IS SACR$4 ,BUT ,I SIMPLY CEAS$ QUITE S9C]ELY1 A FEW DAYS 
BE=E1 TO FEEL ANY FRI5D%IP = ! HUSB&4 ,MAYBE ,I \<T NOT TO CALL ?IS S5SUALITY8 ,S5SUALITY IS 
NOT REPULSIVE4 ,LET'S BE 9DULG5T & USE ! WORD 09FIRMITY10 A SORT ( CONG5ITAL 9ABILITY TO SEE 9 
LOVE ANY?+ BUT ! PHYSICAL4 ,?AT 9FIRMITY1 AFT] ALL1 WAS CONV5I5T4 ,COMB9$ ) MY FACULTY 
= =GETT+1 IT FAVOR$ MY FRE$OM4 ,AT ! SAME TIME1 ?R\< A C]TA9 APPE>ANCE ( 
9ACCESSIBILITY & UN%AKABLE 9DEP5D5CE IT GAVE ME1 IT PROVID$ ! OPPORTUNITY = NEW 
SUCCESSES4 ,AS A RESULT ( NOT BE+ ROMANTIC1 ,I GAVE ROMANCE SOME?+ TO WORK ON4 ,\R FEM99E 
FRI5DS HAVE 9 COMMON ) ,BONAP>TE ! BELIEF ?AT !Y CAN SUCCE$ :]E EV]YONE ELSE HAS 
FAIL$4 

,9 ?IS EX*ANGE1 MOREOV]1 ,I SATISFI$ SOME?+ 9 ADDITION TO MY S5SUALITY3 MY PASSION = 
GAMBL+4 ,I LOV$ 9 WOM5 MY P>TN]S 9 A C]TA9 GAME1 :I* HAD AT LEA/ ! TA/E ( 9NOC5CE4 

,Y\ SEE1 ,I CAN'T 5DURE BE+ BOR$ & APPRECIATE ONLY DIV]SIONS 9 LIFE4 ,ANY SOCIETY1 H[EV] BRIL- 
LIANT1 SOON CRU%ES ME1 :]EAS ,I HAVE NEV] BE5 BOR$ ) ! WOM5 ,I LIK$4 ,IT HURTS ME TO CON- 
FESS IT1 BUT ,I'D HAVE GIV5 T5 CONV]SATIONS ) .<#fO.> ,E9/E9 = AN 9ITIAL R5DEZV\S ) A PRETTY 
*ORUS GIRL4 ,IT'S TRUE ?AT AT ! T5? R5DEZV\S ,I WAS LONG+ = ,E9/E9 OR1 A S]I\S BOOK4 ,9 
%ORT1 ,I WAS NEV] CONC]N$ ) ! MAJOR PROBLEMS EXCEPT 9 ! 9T]VALS BETWE5 MY LITTLE 
EXCESSES4 ,& H[ (T51 /&+ ON ! SIDEWALK 9VOLV$ 9 A PASSIONATE DISCUSSION ) FRI5DS1 
,I LO/ ! ?READ ( ! >GUM5T BE+ DEVELOP$ BECAUSE A DEVA/AT+ WOMAN WAS CROSS+ ! 
/REET AT ?AT V]Y MOM5T4 

,H5CE ,I PLAY$ ! GAME4 ,I KNEW !Y DIDN'T LIKE ONE TO REVEAL ONE'S PURPOSE TOO QUICKLY4 ,FIR/1 
!RE HAD TO BE CONV]SATION1 FOND ATT5TIONS1 AS !Y SAY4 ,I WASN'T WORRI$ AB\T SPEE*ES1 BE+ A 
LAWY]1 NOR AB\T GLANCES1 HAV+ BE5 AN AMATEUR ACTOR DUR+ MY MILIT>Y S]VICE4 ,I (T5 *ANG$ 
P>TS1 BUT IT WAS ALWAYS ! SAME PLAY4 ,= 9/ANCE1 ! SC5E ( ! 9COMPREH5SIBLE ATTRACTION1 ( 
! 0MY/]I\S SOME?+10 ( ! 0IT'S UNREASONABLE1 ,I C]TA9LY DIDN'T WANT TO BE ATTRACT$1 ,I WAS 
EV5 TIR$ ( LOVE1 ETC4 4440 ALWAYS WORK$1 ?\< IT IS ONE ( ! OLDE/ 9 ! REP]TORY4 ,!RE WAS 
ALSO ! GAMBIT ( ! MY/]I\S HAPP9ESS NO O!R WOMAN HAS EV] GIV5 Y\2 IT MAY BE A 
BL9D ALLEY--9DE$1 IT SURELY IS 7= ONE CANNOT PROTECT ONESELF TOO MU*7--BUT IT JU/ HAPP5S TO BE 
UNIQUE4 ,ABOVE ALL1 ,I HAD P]FECT$ A LITTLE SPEE* :I* WAS ALWAYS WELL RECEIV$ & :I*1 ,I AM 
SURE1 Y\ WILL APPLAUD4 ,! ESS5TIAL P>T ( ?AT ACT LAY 9 ! ASS]TION1 PA9FUL & RESIGN$1 ?AT ,I 
WAS NO?+1 ?AT IT WAS NOT WOR? GETT+ 9VOLV$ ) ME1 ?AT MY LIFE WAS ELSE:]E & NOT 
RELAT$ TO EV]YDAY HAPP9ESS--A HAPP9ESS ?AT MAYBE ,I %\LD HAVE PREF]R$ TO ANY?+1 BUT 
!RE Y\ W]E1 IT WAS TOO LATE4 ,AS TO ! REASONS BEH9D ?IS DECISIVE LAT5ESS1 ,I MA9TA9$ SECRECY1 
KN[+ ?AT IT IS ALWAYS BETT] TO GO TO B$ ) A MY/]Y4 ,9 A WAY1 MOREOV]1 ,I BELIEV$ :AT ,I 
SAID2 ,I WAS LIV+ MY P>T4 ,IT IS NOT SURPRIS+ ?AT MY P>TN]S LIKEWISE BEGAN TO 0TREAD ! BO>DS0 
5?USIA/ICALLY4 ,! MO/ S5SITIVE AMONG !M TRI$ TO UND]/& ME1 & ?AT EF=T L$ !M TO 
MELAN*OLY SURR5D]S4 ,! O!RS1 SATISFI$ TO NOTE ?AT ,I WAS RESPECT+ ! RULES ( ! GAME & 
HAD ! TACTFULNESS TO TALK BE=E ACT+1 PROGRESS$ )\T DELAY TO ! REALITIES4 ,?IS MEANT ,I HAD 
 WON--& TWICE OV]1 S9CE1 BESIDES ! DESIRE ,I FELT = !M1 ,I WAS SATISFY+ ! LOVE ,I BORE 
MYSELF BY V]IFY+ EA* TIME MY SPECIAL P[]S4 

,?IS IS SO TRUE ?AT EV5 IF SOME AMONG !M PROVID$ BUT SLI<T PLEASURE1 ,I NEV]!LESS TRI$ TO 
RESUME RELATIONS ) !M1 AT LONG 9T]VALS1 HELP$ D\BTLESS BY ?AT /RANGE DESIRE K9DL$ BY 
ABS5CE & A SUDD5LY RECOV]$ COMPLICITY1 BUT ALSO TO V]IFY ! FACT ?AT \R TIES /ILL HELD & 
?AT IT WAS MY PRIVILEGE ALONE TO TI<T5 !M4 ,SOMETIMES ,I W5T SO F> AS TO MAKE !M SWE> NOT 
TO GIVE !MSELVES TO ANY O!R MAN1 9 ORD] TO QUIET MY WORRIES ONCE & = ALL ON ?AT SCORE4 ,MY 
HE>T1 H[EV]1 PLAY$ NO P>T 9 ?AT WORRY1 NOR EV5 MY IMAG9ATION4 ,A C]TA9 TYPE ( PRET5SION 
WAS 9 FACT SO P]SONIFI$ 9 ME ?AT IT WAS H>D = ME TO IMAG9E1 DESPITE ! FACTS1 ?AT A WOMAN 
:O HAD ONCE BE5 M9E C\LD EV] BELONG TO ANO!R4 ,BUT ! OA? !Y SWORE TO ME LIB]AT$ ME 
:ILE IT B\ND !M4 ,AS SOON AS ,I KNEW !Y W\LD NEV] BELONG TO ANYONE1 ,I C\LD MAKE UP MY 
M9D TO BREAK (F--:I* O!RWISE WAS ALMO/ ALWAYS IMPOSSIBLE = ME4 ,AS F> AS !Y W]E 
CONC]N$1 ,I HAD PROV$ MY PO9T ONCE & = ALL & ASSUR$ MY P[] = A LONG TIME4 

,/RANGE1 ISN'T IT8 ,BUT ?AT'S ! WAY IT WAS1 MON *] COMPATRIOTE4 ,SOME CRY3 0,LOVE ME60 ,O!RS3 0,DON'T 
LOVE ME60 ,BUT A C]TA9 G5US1 ! WOR/ & MO/ UNHAPPY1 CRIES3 0,DON'T LOVE ME & BE FAI?FUL TO 
ME60 

,EXCEPT ?AT ! PRO( IS NEV] DEF9ITIVE1 AFT] ALL2 ONE HAS TO BEG9 AGA9 ) EA* NEW P]SON4 

,AS A RESULT ( BEG9N+ OV] & OV] AGA91 ONE GETS 9 ! HABIT4 ,SOON ! SPEE* COMES )\T 
?9K+ & ! REFLEX FOLL[S2 & ONE DAY Y\ F9D Y\RSELF TAK+ )\T REALLY DESIR+4 ,BELIEVE 
ME1 = C]TA9 M5 AT LEA/1 NOT TAK+ :AT ONE DOESN'T DESIRE IS ! H>DE/ ?+ 9 ! WORLD4 

,?IS IS :AT HAPP5$ EV5TUALLY & !RE'S NO PO9T 9 TELL+ Y\ :O %E WAS EXCEPT ?AT1 
)\T REALLY /IRR+ ME1 %E HAD ATTRACT$ ME BY H] PASSIVE1 AVID MANN]4 ,FRANKLY1 IT WAS A %ABBY 
EXP]I5CE1 AS ,I %\LD HAVE EXPECT$4 ,BUT ,I NEV] HAD ANY COMPLEXES & SOON =GOT ! P]SON1 
:OM ,I DIDN'T SEE AGA94 ,I ?\<T %E HADN'T NOTIC$ ANY?+ & DIDN'T EV5 IMAG9E %E C\LD 
HAVE AN OP9ION4 ,BESIDES1 9 MY EYES H] PASSIVE MANN] CUT H] (F FROM ! WORLD4 ,A FEW WEEKS 
 LAT]1 H[EV]1 ,I LE>N$ ?AT %E HAD RELAT$ MY DEFICI5CIES TO A ?IRD P]SON4 ,AT ONCE ,I FELT AS 
IF ,I HAD BE5 SOME:AT DECEIV$2 %E WASN'T SO PASSIVE AS ,I HAD ?\<T & %E DIDN'T LACK 
JUDGM5T4 ,!N ,I %RUGG$ MY %\LD]S & PRET5D$ TO LAU<4 ,I EV5 LAU<$ \TRI<T2 CLE>LY 
! 9CID5T WAS UNIMPORTANT4 ,IF !RE IS ANY REALM 9 :I* MODE/Y \<T TO BE ! RULE1 ISN'T IT SEX 
) ALL ! UN=ESEEABLE !RE IS 9 IT8 ,BUT NO1 EA* ( US TRIES TO %[ UP TO ADVANTAGE1 EV5 9 
SOLITUDE4 ,DESPITE HAV+ %RUGG$ MY %\LD]S1 :AT WAS MY BEHAVIOR 9 FACT8 ,I SAW ?AT WOMAN 
AGA9 A LITTLE LAT] & DID EV]Y?+ NECESS>Y TO *>M H] & REALLY TAKE H] BACK4 ,IT WAS NOT V]Y 
DIFFICULT1 = !Y DON'T LIKE EI!R TO 5D ON A FAILURE4 ,FROM ?AT MOM5T ONW>D1 )\T REALLY 
9T5D+ IT1 ,I BEGAN1 9 FACT1 TO MORTIFY H] 9 EV]Y WAY4 ,I W\LD GIVE H] UP & TAKE H] BACK1 
=CE H] TO GIVE H]SELF AT 9APPROPRIATE TIMES & 9 9APPROPRIATE PLACES1 TREAT H] SO BRUTALLY1 9 
EV]Y REG>D1 ?AT EV5TUALLY ,I ATTA*$ MYSELF TO H] AS ,I IMAG9E ! JAIL] IS B\ND TO HIS PRISON]4 

,& ?IS KEPT UP TILL ! DAY :51 9 ! VIOL5T DISORD] ( PA9FUL & CON/RA9$ PLEASURE1 %E 
PAID A TRIBUTE AL\D TO :AT WAS 5SLAV+ H]4 ,?AT V]Y DAY ,I BEGAN TO MOVE AWAY FROM H]4 ,I 
HAVE =GOTT5 H] S9CE4 ,I'LL AGREE ) Y\1 DESPITE Y\R POLITE SIL5CE1 ?AT ?AT ADV5TURE IS NOT 
V]Y PRETTY4 ,BUT JU/ ?9K ( Y\R LIFE1 MON *] COMPATRIOTE6 ,SE>* Y\R MEMORY & P]HAPS Y\ WILL 
F9D SOME SIMIL> /ORY ?AT Y\'LL TELL ME LAT] ON4 ,9 MY CASE1 :5 ?AT BUS9ESS CAME TO M9D1 ,I 
AGA9 BEGAN TO LAU<4 ,BUT IT WAS ANO!R K9D ( LAU<1 RA!R LIKE ! ONE ,I HAD HE>D ON ! ,PONT 
DES ,>TS4 ,I WAS LAU<+ AT MY SPEE*ES & MY PLEAD+S 9 C\RT4 ,EV5 MORE AT MY C\RT PLEAD+ 
?AN AT MY SPEE*ES TO WOM54 ,TO !M1 AT LEA/1 ,I DID NOT LIE MU*4 ,9/9CT SPOKE CLE>LY1 )\T 
SUBT]FUGES1 9 MY ATTITUDE4 ,! ACT ( LOVE1 = 9/ANCE1 IS A CONFESSION4 ,SELFI%NESS SCREAMS AL\D1 
VANITY %[S (F1 OR ELSE TRUE G5]OSITY REVEALS ITSELF4 ,ULTIMATELY 9 ?AT REGRETTABLE /ORY1 EV5 MORE 
?AN 9 MY O!R AFFAIRS1 ,I HAD BE5 MORE \TSPOK5 ?AN ,I ?\<T2 ,I HAD DECL>$ :O ,I WAS & 
H[ ,I C\LD LIVE4 ,DESPITE APPE>ANCES1 ,I WAS !RE=E MORE WOR?Y 9 MY PRIVATE LIFE--EV5 :5 
7ONE MI<T SAY3 ESPECIALLY :57 ,I BEHAV$ AS ,I HAVE TOLD Y\--?AN 9 MY GREAT PR(ESSIONAL FLI<TS 
AB\T 9NOC5CE & JU/ICE4 ,AT LEA/1 SEE+ MYSELF ACT ) O!RS1 ,I C\LDN'T DECEIVE MYSELF AS 
TO ! TRU? ( MY NATURE4 ,NO MAN IS A HYPOCRITE 9 HIS PLEASURES--HAVE ,I READ ?AT OR DID ,I ?9K IT 
MYSELF1 MON *] COMPATRIOTE8 

,:5 ,I EXAM9$ ?US ! TR\BLE ,I HAD 9 SEP>AT+ DEF9ITIVELY FROM A WOMAN--A TR\BLE 
:I* US$ TO 9VOLVE ME 9 SO MANY SIMULTANE\S LIAISONS--,I DIDN'T BLAME MY S(T-HE>T$NESS4 

,?AT WAS NOT :AT IMPELL$ ME :5 ONE ( MY MI/RESSES TIR$ ( WAIT+ = ! ,AU/]LITZ ( \R 
PASSION & SPOKE ( LEAV+ ME4 ,AT ONCE ,I WAS ! ONE :O MADE A /EP =W>D1 :O YIELD$1 :O 
BECAME ELOQU5T4 ,AS = AFFECTION & S(T-HE>T$NESS1 ,I >\S$ !M 9 WOM51 EXP]I5C+ 
M]ELY ! APPE>ANCE ( !M MYSELF--SIMPLY A LITTLE EXCIT$ BY ?IS REFUSAL1 AL>M$ ALSO BY ! 
POSSIBLE LOSS ( SOMEONE'S AFFECTION4 ,AT TIMES ,I TRULY ?\<T ,I WAS SUFF]+1 TO BE SURE4 ,BUT ! 
REBELLI\S FEMALE HAD M]ELY TO LEAVE 9 FACT = ME TO =GET H] )\T EF=T1 AS ,I =GOT H] 
PRES5CE :51 ON ! CONTR>Y1 %E HAD DECID$ TO RETURN4 ,NO1 IT WAS NOT LOVE OR G5]OSITY ?AT 
AWAK5$ ME :5 ,I WAS 9 DANG] ( BE+ =SAK51 BUT M]ELY ! DESIRE TO BE LOV$ & TO 
RECEIVE :AT 9 MY OP9ION WAS DUE ME4 ,! MOM5T ,I WAS LOV$ & MY P>TN] AGA9 =GOTT51 ,I 
%ONE1 ,I WAS AT ! TOP ( MY =M1 ,I BECAME LIKABLE4 

,BE IT SAID1 MOREOV]1 ?AT AS SOON AS ,I HAD RE-WON ?AT AFFECTION ,I BECAME AW>E ( ITS WEI<T4 ,9 
MY MOM5TS ( IRRITATION ,I TOLD MYSELF ?AT ! IDEAL SOLUTION W\LD HAVE BE5 ! DEA? ( ! 
P]SON ,I WAS 9T]E/$ 94 ,H] DEA? W\LD1 ON ! ONE H&1 HAVE DEF9ITIVELY FIX$ \R 
RELATION%IP &1 ON ! O!R1 REMOV$ ITS COMPULSION4 ,BUT ONE CANNOT LONG = ! DEA? ( 
EV]YONE OR1 9 ! EXTREME1 DEPOPULATE ! PLANET 9 ORD] TO 5JOY A FRE$OM ?AT CANNOT BE 
IMAG9$ O!RWISE4 ,MY S5SIBILITY WAS OPPOS$ TO ?IS1 & MY LOVE ( MANK9D4 

,! ONLY DEEP EMOTION ,I OCCASIONALLY FELT 9 !SE AFFAIRS WAS GRATITUDE1 :5 ALL WAS GO+ WELL 
& ,I WAS LEFT1 NOT ONLY PEACE1 BUT FRE$OM TO COME & GO--NEV] K9D] & GAY] ) ONE 
WOMAN ?AN :5 ,I HAD JU/ LEFT ANO!R'S B$1 AS IF ,I EXT5D$ TO ALL O!RS ! DEBT ,I HAD JU/ 
CONTRACT$ T[>D ONE ( !M4 ,9 ANY CASE1 H[EV] APP>5TLY CONFUS$ MY FEEL+S W]E1 ! 
RESULT ,I A*IEV$ WAS CLE>3 ,I KEPT ALL MY AFFECTIONS )9 REA* TO MAKE USE ( !M :5 ,I 
WANT$4 ,ON MY [N ADMISSION1 ,I C\LD LIVE HAPPILY ONLY ON CONDITION ?AT ALL ! 9DIVIDUALS ON 
E>?1 OR ! GREATE/ POSSIBLE NUMB]1 W]E TURN$ T[>D ME1 ET]NALLY 9 SUSP5SE1 DEVOID ( 
9DEP5D5T LIFE & READY TO ANSW] MY CALL AT ANY MOM5T1 DOOM$ 9 %ORT TO /]ILITY UNTIL ! 
DAY ,I %\LD DEIGN TO FAVOR !M4 ,9 %ORT1 = ME TO LIVE HAPPILY IT WAS ESS5TIAL = ! CREATURES ,I 
*OSE NOT TO LIVE AT ALL4 ,!Y MU/ RECEIVE !IR LIFE1 SPORADICALLY1 ONLY AT MY BIDD+4 

,OH1 ,I DON'T FEEL ANY SELF-SATISFACTION1 BELIEVE ME1 9 TELL+ Y\ ?IS4 ,UPON ?9K+ ( ?AT TIME 
:5 ,I US$ TO ASK = EV]Y?+ )\T PAY+ ANY?+ MYSELF1 :5 ,I US$ TO MOBILIZE SO MANY 
PEOPLE 9 MY S]VICE1 :5 ,I US$ TO PUT !M 9 ! REFRIG]ATOR1 SO TO SPEAK1 9 ORD] TO HAVE !M 
AT H& SOME DAY :5 IT W\LD SUIT ME1 ,I DON'T KN[ H[ TO NAME ! ODD FEEL+ ?AT COMES OV] 
ME4 ,ISN'T IT %AME1 P]HAPS8 ,TELL ME1 MON *] COMPATRIOTE1 DOESN'T %AME /+ A LITTLE8 ,IT DOES8 ,WELL1 
IT'S PROBABLY %AME1 !N1 OR ONE ( ?OSE SILLY EMOTIONS ?AT HAVE TO DO ) HONOR4 ,IT SEEMS TO 
ME 9 ANY CASE ?AT ?AT FEEL+ HAS NEV] LEFT ME S9CE ! ADV5TURE ,I F\ND AT ! HE>T ( MY 
MEMORY1 :I* ,I CANNOT ANY LONG] PUT (F RELAT+1 DESPITE MY DIGRESSIONS & ! 9V5TIVE EF=TS 
= :I*1 ,I HOPE1 Y\ GIVE ME CR$IT4 

,LOOK1 ! RA9 HAS /OPP$6 ,BE K9D 5\< TO WALK HOME ) ME4 ,I AM /RANGELY TIR$1 NOT FROM 
HAV+ TALK$ SO MU* BUT AT ! M]E ?\<T ( :AT ,I /ILL HAVE TO SAY4 ,OH1 WELL1 A FEW WORDS WILL 
SUFFICE TO RELATE MY ESS5TIAL DISCOV]Y4 ,:AT'S ! USE ( SAY+ MORE1 ANYWAY8 ,= ! /ATUE TO 
/& B>E1 ! F9E SPEE*ES MU/ TAKE FLI<T LIKE PIGEONS4 ,SO H]E GOES4 ,?AT P>TICUL> NI<T 9 
,NOVEMB]1 TWO OR ?REE YE>S BE=E ! EV5+ :5 ,I ?\<T ,I HE>D LAU<T] BEH9D ME1 ,I WAS 
RETURN+ TO ! ,LEFT ,BANK & MY HOME BY WAY ( ! ,PONT ,ROYAL4 ,IT WAS AN H\R PA/ MIDNI<T1 A 
F9E RA9 WAS FALL+1 A DRIZZLE RA!R1 ?AT SCATT]$ ! FEW PEOPLE ON ! /REETS4 ,I HAD JU/ LEFT A 
MI/RESS1 :O WAS SURELY ALREADY ASLEEP4 ,I WAS 5JOY+ ?AT WALK1 A LITTLE NUMB$1 MY BODY CALM$ 
& IRRIGAT$ BY A FL[ ( BLOOD G5TLE AS ! FALL+ RA94 ,ON ! BRIDGE ,I PASS$ BEH9D A FIGURE 
LEAN+ OV] ! RAIL+ & SEEM+ TO />E AT ! RIV]4 ,ON CLOS] VIEW1 ,I MADE \T A SLIM 
Y\NG WOMAN DRESS$ 9 BLACK4 ,! BACK ( H] NECK1 COOL & DAMP BETWE5 H] D>K HAIR & 
COAT COLL>1 /IRR$ ME4 ,BUT ,I W5T ON AFT] A MOM5T'S HESITATION4 ,AT ! 5D ( ! BRIDGE ,I 
FOLL[$ ! GUYS T[>D ,SA9T-,MI*EL1 :]E ,I LIV$4 ,I HAD ALREADY GONE SOME FIFTY Y>DS :5 ,I 
HE>D ! S\ND--:I*1 DESPITE ! DI/ANCE1 SEEM$ DREADFULLY L\D 9 ! MIDNI<T SIL5CE--( A 
BODY /RIK+ ! WAT]4 ,I /OPP$ %ORT1 BUT )\T TURN+ >\ND4 ,ALMO/ AT ONCE ,I HE>D A CRY1 
REPEAT$ SEV]AL TIMES1 :I* WAS GO+ D[N/REAM2 !N IT SUDD5LY CEAS$4 ,! SIL5CE ?AT 
FOLL[$1 AS ! NI<T SUDD5LY /OOD /ILL1 SEEM$ 9T]M9ABLE4 ,I WANT$ TO RUN & YET DIDN'T /IR4 ,I 
WAS TREMBL+1 ,I BELIEVE FROM COLD & %OCK4 ,I TOLD MYSELF ?AT ,I HAD TO BE QUICK & ,I FELT AN 
IRRESI/IBLE WEAKNESS /EAL OV] ME4 ,I HAVE =GOTT5 :AT ,I ?\<T !N4 0,TOO LATE1 TOO F> 4440 OR 
SOME?+ ( ! SORT4 ,I WAS /ILL LI/5+ AS ,I /OOD MOTIONLESS4 ,!N1 SL[LY UND] ! RA91 ,I W5T 
AWAY4 ,I 9=M$ NO ONE4 

,BUT H]E WE >E2 H]E'S MY H\SE1 MY %ELT]6 ,TOMORR[8 ,YES1 IF Y\ WI%4 ,I'D LIKE TO TAKE Y\ TO 
! ISL& ( ,M>K5 SO Y\ CAN SEE ! ,ZUID] ,ZEE4 ,LET'S MEET AT ELEV5 AT ,MEXICO ,CITY4 ,:AT8 

,?AT WOMAN8 ,OH1 ,I DON'T KN[4 ,REALLY ,I DON'T KN[4 ,! NEXT DAY1 & ! DAYS FOLL[+1 ,I DIDN'T 
READ ! PAP]S4 

,FROM 3 ,!,AN>*I/,LIBR>Y4ORG4 

,*RONOLOGY 3 
,JANU>Y #b#d1 #bba 3 ,*APT] #c -- ,ADD$4 

 FILE G5]AT$ FROM 3  
HTTP3_/_/REVOLTLIB4COM_/