,*APT] #h 

#aheiahei 

,PEOPLE 3 

,AU?OR 3 ,LEO ,TOL/OY 

,TEXT 3 

,I HAD BE5 V]Y UNWELL BE=E WE LEFT ,/4 ,PET]SBURG1 & 9/EAD ( GO+ HOME WE MOV$ 9TO A VILLA AT A %ORT DI/ANCE FROM ! CITY1 :]E MY HUSB& LEFT ME :ILE HE W5T TO SEE HIS MO!R4 ,I WAS !N QUITE WELL 5\< TO ACCOMPANY HIM1 BUT HE URG$ ME NOT TO DO SO1 ALLEG+ AS HIS REASON MY /ATE ( HEAL?4 ,I QUITE UND]/OOD ?AT HE WAS NOT REALLY AFRAID ( MY HEAL?1 BUT HE WAS POSSESS$ BY ! IDEA ?AT IT W\LD NOT BE GOOD = US TO BE 9 ! C\NTRY2 ,I DID NOT 9SI/ V]Y /R5U\SLY1 & REMA9$ :]E ,I WAS4 ,)\T HIM ,I FELT MYSELF TRULY 9 ! MID/ ( EMPT9ESS & ISOLATION2 BUT :5 HE RETURN$ ,I P]CEIV$ ?AT HIS PRES5CE NO LONG] ADD$ TO MY LIFE :AT IT HAD BE5 WONT TO ADD4 ,?OSE =M] RELATIONS1 :5 ANY ?\<T1 ANY S5SATION1 NOT COMMUNICAT$ TO HIM1 OPPRESS$ ME LIKE A CRIME2 :5 ALL HIS ACTIONS1 ALL HIS WORDS1 APPE>$ TO ME MODELS ( P]FECTION2 :51 FROM %E] JOY1 WE W\LD LAU< AT NO?+1 LOOK+ AT EA* O!R2 ?OSE RELATIONS HAD SO 9S5SIBLY *ANG$ 9TO SOME?+ QUITE DIFF]5T1 ?AT WE \RSELVES H>DLY ADMITT$ ! TRANS=MATION4 ,BUT ! FACT WAS ?AT EA* ( US HAD N[ SEP>ATE OCCUPATIONS & 9T]E/S1 :I* WE NO LONG] S\<T TO %>E4 ,WE HAD EV5 CEAS$ TO BE AT ALL TR\BL$ AT ?US LIV+ 9 5TIRELY DI/9CT WORLDS1 & 5TIRELY AS /RANG]S TO EA* O!R4 ,WE HAD BECOME HABITUAT$ TO ?IS ?\<T1 & AT ! 5D ( A YE> !RE WAS NO LONG] ! MUTUAL EMB>RASSM5T :5 \R EYES *ANC$ TO MEET4 ,HIS BOYI%NESS1 HIS \TBUR/S ( LI<!>T$ GAIETY :5 ) ME1 W]E GONE2 GONE1 TOO1 WAS ?AT 9DULG5T 9DIFF]5CE1 AGA9/ :I* ,I HAD SO (T5 RIS5 9 REBELLION2 NOR HAD ! P5ETRAT+ LOOK SURVIV$1 :I*1 9 O!R DAYS1 HAD AT ONCE DI/URB$ & DELI<T$ ME2 !RE W]E NO MORE ( ! PRAY]S1 NO MORE ( ! H\RS ( EXALTATION :I* WE HAD SO LOV$ TO %>E1 & 9DE$ WE SAW EA* O!R ONLY V]Y R>ELY2 HE WAS CON/ANTLY \T1 & ,I NO LONG] DREAD$ REMA9+ ALONE1 NO LONG] COMPLA9$ ( IT2 ,I WAS P]PETUALLY 5GROSS$1 ON MY SIDE1 ) ! OBLIGATIONS ( SOCIETY1 & NEV] FELT ANY NE$ ( HIM :ATEV]4 

,SC5ES & ALT]CATIONS BETWE5 US W]E QUITE UNHE>D-(4 ,I 5DEAVOR$ TO SATISFY HIM1 HE C>RI$ \T ALL MY WI%ES1 ANY ONE W\LD HAVE SAID ?AT WE /ILL LOV$ EA* O!R4 

,:5 WE W]E ALONE TOGE!R1 :I* WAS ( R>E OCCURR5CE1 ,I FELT NEI!R JOY1 AGITATION1 NOR EMB>RASSM5T1 9 HIS PRES5CE1 ANY MORE ?AN IF ,I HAD BE5 ALONE4 ,I KNEW WELL ?AT H]E WAS NO NEW-COM]1 NO /RANG]1 BUT ON ! CONTR>Y1 A V]Y EXCELL5T MAN1 9 %ORT MY HUSB&1 :OM ,I KNEW JU/ AS WELL AS ,I KNEW MYSELF4 ,I WAS P]SUAD$ ?AT ,I C\LD TELL BE=EH& ALL ?AT HE W\LD DO1 ALL ?AT HE W\LD ?9K1 PRECISELY :AT VIEW HE W\LD TAKE ( ANY MATT]1 & IF HE DID OR ?\<T O!RWISE ,I ONLY CONSID]$ ?AT HE MADE A MI/AKE2 ,I NEV] EXPECT$ ANY?+ AT ALL FROM HIM4 ,9 ONE WORD1 IT WAS MY HUSB&1 ?AT WAS ALL4 ,IT SEEM$ TO ME ?AT ?+S W]E SO1 & HAD TO BE SO2 ?AT NO O!R RELATIONS BETWE5 US C\LD EXI/1 OR 9DE$ EV] HAD EXI/$4 ,:5 HE W5T AWAY1 ESPECIALLY AT FIR/1 ,I /ILL FELT T]RIBLY LONELY1 & :ILE HE WAS ABS5T ,I FELT ! FULL VALUE ( HIS SUPPORT2 :5 HE CAME HOME1 ,I W\LD EV5 ?R[ MYSELF 9 HIS >MS ) JOY2 BUT SC>CELY HAD TWO H\RS ELAPS$ ]E ,I HAD =GOTT5 ?IS JOY1 & W\LD F9D ?AT ,I HAD NO?+ TO SAY TO HIM4 ,9 !SE BRIEF MOM5TS1 :5 CALM1 TEMP]ATE T5D]NESS SEEM$ TO REVIVE BETWE5 US1 IT SEEM$ TO ME ?AT !RE NEV] HAD BE5 ANY?+ BUT ?IS2 ?AT ?IS ALONE WAS :AT HAD ONCE SO P[]FULLY /IRR$ MY HE>T1 & ,I ?\<T ,I READ 9 HIS EYES ! SAME IMPRESSION4 ,I FELT ?AT TO ?IS T5D]NESS !RE WAS A LIMIT1 :I* HE DID NOT WI% TO PASS1 & NEI!R DID ,I4 ,SOMETIMES ?IS CAUS$ ME A LITTLE REGRET1 BUT ,I HAD NO TIME TO ?9K AB\T IT S]I\SLY1 & ,I TRI$ TO PUT IT \T ( MY M9D1 BY GIV+ MYSELF UP TO A V>IETY ( AMUSEM5TS ( :I* ,I DID NOT EV5 R5D] A CLE> ACC\NT TO MYSELF1 BUT :I* P]PETUALLY (F]$ !MSELVES TO ME4 ,! LIFE 9 ! WORLD1 :I*1 AT FIR/1 HAD BEWILD]$ ME ) ITS SPL5DOR & ! GRATIFICATION IT AF=D$ TO MY SELF-LOVE1 HAD SOON E/ABLI%$ 5TIRE DOM9ION OV] MY 9CL9ATIONS1 & BECOME AT ONCE A HABIT & A BONDAGE1 OCCUPY+ 9 MY S\L ?AT PLACE :I* ,I HAD FANCI$ W\LD BE ! HOME ( S5TIM5T4 ,!RE=E ,I AVOID$ BE+ ALONE1 DREAD+ LE/ IT MI<T =CE ME TO LOOK 9TO & REALIZE MY CONDITION4 ,MY :OLE TIME1 FROM ! E>LIE/ H\R 9 ! MORN+ TILL ! LATE/ AT NI<T1 WAS APPROPRIAT$ TO SOME?+2 EV5 IF ,I DID NOT GO \T1 !RE WAS NO TIME ?AT ,I LEFT FREE4 ,I F\ND 9 ?IS LIFE NEI!R PLEASURE1 NOR WE>9ESS1 & IT SEEM$ TO ME IT HAD ALWAYS BE5 ?US4 

,9 ?IS MANN] ?REE YE>S PASS$ AWAY1 & \R RELATIONS ) EA* O!R REMA9$ ! SAME1 B5UMB$1 CONGEAL$1 MOTIONLESS1 AS IF NO ALT]ATION C\LD COME TO !M1 EI!R = BETT] OR WORSE4 ,DUR+ ! C\RSE ( !SE ?REE YE>S !RE W]E TWO IMPORTANT EV5TS 9 ! FAMILY1 BUT NEI!R BR\<T ANY *ANGE TO MY [N LIFE4 ,!SE EV5TS W]E ! BIR? ( MY FIR/ *ILD1 & ! DEA? ( ,TATIANA ,SEM5OVNA4 ,AT FIR/ ! MAT]NAL S5TIM5T TOOK POSSESSION ( ME ) SU* P[]1 SO GREAT & UNEXPECT$ A RAPTURE SEIZ$ UPON ME1 ?AT ,I IMAG9$ A NEW EXI/5CE WAS BEG9N+2 BUT AT ! 5D ( TWO MON?S1 :5 ,I COMM5C$ TO GO 9TO SOCIETY ONCE MORE1 ?IS S5TIM5T1 :I* HAD BE5 GRADUALLY SUBSID+1 HAD BECOME NO?+ MORE ?AN ! HABITUAL & COLD P]=MANCE ( A DUTY4 ,MY HUSB&1 ON ! CONTR>Y1 FROM ! DAY ( ?IS SON'S BIR?1 HAD BECOME HIS OLD SELF1 G5TLE1 CALM1 & HOME-LOV+1 RECALL+ = HIS *ILD1 ALL HIS =M] T5D]NESS & GAIETY4 ,(T5 :5 ,I W5T 9 MY BALL-DRESS 9TO ! *ILD'S NURS]Y1 TO GIVE HIM ! EV5+ B5$ICTION BE=E />T+ & F\ND MY HUSB& !RE1 ,I W\LD CAT* A GLANCE ( REPROA*1 OR A SEV]E & WAT*FUL LOOK FIX$ UPON ME1 & ,I W\LD ALL AT ONCE FEEL A%AM$4 ,I WAS MYSELF T]RIFI$ AT MY 9DIFF]5CE T[>DS MY [N *ILD1 & ,I ASK$ MYSELF3 0,CAN ,I BE SO MU* WORSE ?AN O!R WOM58--,BUT :AT IS TO BE DONE80 ,I QUE/ION$4 0,( C\RSE ,I LOVE MY SON1 BUT1 = ALL ?AT1 ,I CANNOT SIT D[N BESIDE HIM = :OLE DAYS AT A TIME1 ?AT W\LD BORE ME TO DEA?2 & AS = MAK+ A PRET5SE1 NO?+ 9 ! WORLD W\LD 9DUCE ME TO DO SU* A ?+60 

,! DEA? ( MY HUSB&'S MO!R WAS A GREAT GRIEF TO HIM2 IT WAS V]Y PA9FUL TO HIM1 HE SAID1 TO LIVE AFT] H] AT ,NIKOLSKI1 BUT ?\< ,I ALSO REGRETT$ H] & REALLY SYMPA?IZ$ ) HIS SORR[1 IT W\LD HAVE BE5 AT ?AT TIME MORE AGREEABLE1 MORE RE/FUL TO ME1 TO RETURN & MAKE \R RESID5CE !RE4 ,WE HAD PASS$ ! GREAT] P>T ( !SE ?REE YE>S 9 ! CITY2 ONCE ONLY HAD ,I BE5 AT ,NIKOLSKI1 = A VISIT ( TWO MON?S2 & DUR+ ! ?IRD YE> WE HAD BE5 ABROAD4 

,WE PASS$ ?IS SUMM] AT ! BA?S4 

,I WAS !N TW5TY-ONE YE>S ( AGE4 ,WE W]E1 ,I ?\<T1 PROSP]\S2 FROM MY HOME LIFE ,I EXPECT$ NO MORE ?AN IT HAD ALREADY GIV5 ME2 ALL ! PEOPLE :OM ,I KNEW1 IT SEEM$ TO ME1 LOV$ ME2 MY HEAL? WAS EXCELL5T1 ,I KNEW ?AT ,I WAS PRETTY1 MY TOILETTES W]E ! FRE%E/ AT ! BA?S1 ! WEA!R WAS SUP]B1 AN 9DEF9ABLE ATMOSPH]E ( BEAUTY & ELEGANCE SURR\ND$ ME1 & EV]Y?+ APPE>$ TO ME 9 ! HI<E/ DEGREE DELI<TFUL & JOY\S4 ,YET ,I WAS NOT1 AS LI<!>T$ AS ,I HAD BE5 9 ! OLD DAYS AT ,NIKOLSKI1 :5 ,I HAD FELT ?AT MY HAPP9ESS WAS )9 MYSELF1 :5 ,I WAS HAPPY BECAUSE ,I DES]V$ TO BE SO1 :5 MY HAPP9ESS WAS GREAT BUT MI<T BE GREAT] /ILL4 ,N[ ALL WAS DIFF]5T2 NEV]!LESS ! SUMM] WAS *>M+4 ,I HAD NO?+ TO DESIRE1 NO?+ TO HOPE1 NO?+ TO FE>2 MY LIFE1 AS IT SEEM$ TO ME1 WAS AT ITS FULL1 & MY CONSCI5CE1 IT ALSO SEEM$ TO ME1 WAS 5TIRELY CLE>4 

,AMONG ! M5 MO/ CONSPICU\S AT ! BA?S DUR+ ?IS SEASON1 !RE WAS NOT ONE :OM1 = ANY REASON :ATEV]1 ,I PREF]R$ ABOVE ! O!RS1 NOT EV5 OLD ,PR9CE ,K4 \R AMBASSADOR1 :O PAID ME DI/+UI%$ ATT5TION4 ,ONE WAS TOO Y\NG1 ANO!R WAS TOO OLD1 ?IS ONE WAS AN ,5GLI%MAN ) LI<T CURLY HAIR1 ?AT ONE1 A BE>D$ ,FR5*MAN2 ,I WAS P]FECTLY 9DIFF]5T TO ALL1 BUT1 AT ! SAME TIME1 ALL W]E 9DISP5SABLE TO ME4 ,9SIGNIFICANT AS !Y MI<T BE1 !Y YET BELONG$ TO1 & =M$ A P>T (1 ?IS LIFE ( ELEGANCE SURR\ND+ ME1 ?IS ATMOSPH]E 9 :I* ,I BREA!D4 ,H[EV]1 !RE WAS ONE AMONG !M1 AN ,ITALIAN1 ,M>QUIS ,D4 :O1 BY ! BOLD FA%ION 9 :I* HE %[$ ! ADMIRATION HE FELT = ME1 HAD ATTRACT$ MY ATT5TION MORE ?AN ! O!RS4 ,HE ALL[$ NO OCCASION TO ESCAPE HIM ( MEET+ ME1 DANC+ ) ME1 APPE>+ ON HORSEBACK BESIDE ME1 ACCOMPANY+ ME TO ! CAS9O1 & HE WAS CON/ANTLY TELL+ ME H[ BEAUTIFUL ,I WAS4 ,FROM MY W9D[ ,I SOMETIMES SAW HIM W&]+ >\ND \R H\SE1 & MORE ?AN ONCE ! ANNOY+ P]SI/5CE ( ! GLANCES %OT T[>DS ME FROM HIS FLA%+ EYES HAD MADE ME BLU% & TURN AWAY4 

,HE WAS Y\NG1 H&SOME1 ELEGANT2 & ONE REM>KABLE ?+ AB\T HIM WAS HIS EXTRAORD9>Y RESEMBLANCE TO MY HUSB&1 ESPECIALLY 9 HIS SMILE & SOME?+ AB\T ! UPP] P>T ( ! FACE1 ?\< HE WAS ! H&SOM] MAN ( ! TWO4 ,I WAS /RUCK BY ! LIK5ESS1 9 SPITE ( DECID$ DIFF]5CES 9 SOME P>TICUL>S1 9 ! M\? = 9/ANCE1 ! LOOK1 ! LONG] %APE ( ! *92 & 9/EAD ( ! *>M GIV5 TO MY HUSB&'S FACE BY HIS EXPRESSION ( K9DNESS & IDEAL CALMNESS1 !RE WAS 9 ! O!R SOME?+ GROSS & ALMO/ BE/IAL4 ,AFT] A :ILE ,I C\LD NOT HELP SEE+ ?AT HE WAS PASSIONATELY 9 LOVE ) ME2 ,I SOMETIMES F\ND MYSELF ?9K+ ( HIM ) L(TY PITY4 ,I UND]TOOK TO TRANQUILIZE HIM1 & BR+ HIM D[N TO T]MS ( CORDIAL CONFID5CE & FRI5D%IP1 BUT HE REPELL$ !SE ATTEMPTS ) TR5*ANT DISDA91 &1 TO MY GREAT DISCOMFITURE1 CONT9U$ TO %[ 9DICATIONS ( A PASSION1 SIL5T1 9DE$1 AS YET1 BUT MOM5T>ILY ?REAT5+ TO BREAK =?4 ,AL?\< ,I W\LD NOT ACKN[L$GE IT TO MYSELF1 ,I WAS AFRAID ( ?IS MAN1 & SEEM$1 AGA9/ MY [N WILL1 AS IT W]E1 =C$ TO ?9K ( HIM4 ,MY HUSB& HAD MADE HIS ACQUA9TANCE1 & WAS EV5 MORE 9TIMATE ) HIM ?AN ) MO/ ( \R CIRCLE1 ) :OM HE CONF9$ HIMSELF TO BE+ SIMPLY ! HUSB& ( HIS WIFE1 & TO :OM HIS BE>+ WAS HAU<TY & COLD4 

,T[>DS ! 5D ( ! SEASON ,I HAD A SLI<T ILLNESS1 :I* CONF9$ ME TO ! H\SE = TWO WEEKS4 ,! FIR/ TIME ,I W5T \T1 AFT] MY RECOV]Y1 WAS TO LI/5 TO ! MUSIC 9 ! EV5+1 & ,I WAS AT ONCE TOLD ( ! >RIVAL ( ,LADY ,C4 A NOT$ BEAUTY1 :O HAD BE5 EXPECT$ = SOME TIME4 ,A CIRCLE ( FRI5DS QUICKLY GA!R$ >\ND ME1 EAG]LY WELCOM+ ME ONCE MORE AMONG !M1 BUT A YET L>G] CIRCLE WAS =M+ AB\T ! NEW BELLE1 & EV]YBODY NE> ME WAS TELL+ ME AB\T H] & H] BEAUTY4 ,%E WAS PO9T$ \T TO ME2 A BEAUTIFUL & BEWIT*+ WOMAN1 TRULY1 BUT ) AN EXPRESSION ( CONFID5CE & SELF-SUFFICI5CY :I* IMPRESS$ ME UNPLEASANTLY1 & ,I SAID SO4 ,?AT EV5+1 EV]Y?+ ?AT USUALLY SEEM$ SO BRI<T & DELI<TFUL WAS TIRESOME TO ME4 ,! FOLL[+ DAY ,LADY ,C4 ORGANIZ$ AN EXP$ITION TO ! CA/LE1 :I* ,I DECL9$4 ,H>DLY ANY ONE REMA9$ BEH9D ) ME1 & ! ASPECT ( AFFAIRS WAS DECID$LY *ANG$ TO MY EYES4 ,ALL1 M5 & ?+S1 SEEM$ /UPID & DULL2 ,I FELT LIKE CRY+1 & RESOLV$ TO COMPLETE MY CURE AS SOON AS POSSIBLE & GO HOME TO ,RUSSIA4 ,AT ! BOTTOM ( MY HE>T LURK$ BAD1 MALEVOL5T FEEL+S1 BUT ,I W\LD NOT CONFESS IT TO MYSELF4 ,I SAID ?AT ,I WAS NOT WELL1 MAK+ ?AT A PRETEXT = GIV+ UP SOCIETY4 ,I V]Y SELDOM W5T \T1 & !N ONLY 9 ! MORN+1 ALONE1 TO DR9K ! WAT]S1 OR = A QUIET WALK OR DRIVE AB\T ! 5VIRONS ) ,L4 ,M41 ONE ( MY ,RUSSIAN ACQUA9TANCES4 ,MY HUSB& WAS ABS5T AT ?IS TIME1 HAV+ GONE1 SOME DAYS BE=E1 TO ,HEIDELB]G1 TO WAIT !RE UNTIL ! 5D ( MY PRESCRIB$ /AY %\LD ALL[ \R RETURN TO ,RUSSIA1 & HE CAME TO SEE ME ONLY N[ & !N4 

,ONE DAY ,LADY ,C4 HAD C>RI$ (F MO/ ( ! COMPANY ON SOME P>TY ( PLEASURE1 & AFT] D9N] ,L4 ,M4 & ,I MADE A LITTLE EXCURSION TO ! CA/LE BY \RSELVES4 ,:ILE \R C>RIAGE WAS SL[LY FOLL[+ ! W9D+ ROAD BETWE5 ! D\BLE R[S ( *E/NUTS1 C5TURIES OLD1 BETWE5 :OSE GRAY TRUNKS WE SAW 9 ! DI/ANCE ! EXQUISITE 5VIRONS ( ,BAD51 LY+ 9 ! PURPLE LI<T ( ! SETT+ SUN1 WE UNCONSCI\SLY FELL 9TO A S]I\S /RA9 ( CONV]SATION1 :I* HAD NEV] BE=E BE5 ! CASE ) US4 ,L4 ,M41 :OM ,I HAD KN[N SO LONG1 N[ = ! FIR/ TIME APPE>$ TO ME AS A LOVELY 9TELLIG5T WOMAN1 ) :OM ONE C\LD DISCUSS ANY TOPIC :ATEV]1 & :OSE SOCIETY WAS FULL ( *>M & 9T]E/4 ,WE TALK$ AB\T FAMILY DUTIES & PLEASURES1 *ILDR51 ! VACU\S LIFE L$ 9 SU* PLACES AS WE W]E N[ 91 \R DESIRE TO RETURN TO ,RUSSIA1 TO ! C\NTRY1 & WE BO? FELL 9TO A GRAVE1 G5TLE MOOD1 :I* WAS /ILL UPON US :5 WE REA*$ ! CA/LE4 ,)9 ITS BROK5 WALLS ALL WAS 9 DEEP %AD[1 COOL & /ILL1 ! SUMMITS ( ! T[]S W]E YET 9 ! SUNLI<T1 & ! LEA/ S\ND ( VOICE OR FOOT/EP REE*O$ AMONG ! >*ES4 ,?R\< ! DOORWAY WE SAW ! BEAUTIFUL /RET* ( C\NTRY SURR\ND+ ,BAD51--BEAUTIFUL1 YET TO \R ,RUSSIAN EYES1 COLD & /]N4 

,WE SAT D[N TO RE/1 SIL5TLY WAT*+ ! S9K+ SUN4 ,PRES5TLY WE HE>D VOICES1 !Y GREW MORE DI/9CT1 & ,I ?\<T ,I CAU<T MY [N NAME4 ,I LI/5$ 9VOLUNT>ILY1 & HE>D A FEW WORDS4 ,I RECOGNIZ$ ! VOICES2 !Y W]E ?OSE ( ! ,M>QUIS ,D4 & ( A ,FR5*MAN1 HIS FRI5D1 :OM ,I ALSO KNEW4 ,!Y W]E TALK+ AB\T ME & ,LADY ,C4 ,! ,FR5*MAN WAS COMP>+ ONE ) ! O!R1 & ANALYZ+ \R BEAUTY4 ,HE SAID NO?+ OBJECTIONABLE1 YET ,I FELT ! BLOOD RU% TO MY HE>T AS HE SPOKE4 ,HE 5T]$ 9TO DETAIL AS TO :AT HE F\ND ATTRACTIVE 9 BO? ,LADY ,C4 & MYSELF4 ,AS = ME1 ,I WAS ALREADY A MO!R1 :ILE ,LADY ,C4 WAS BUT N9ETE5 YE>S ( AGE2 MY HAIR WAS MORE BEAUTIFUL1 BUT ,LADY ,C4'S WAS MORE GRACEFULLY >RANG$2 ,LADY ,C4 WAS MORE ! HI< BORN DAME 0:ILE Y\RS10 HE SAID1 ALLUD+ TO ME1 0IS ONE ( ! LITTLE PR9CESSES SO (T5 S5T US BY ,RUSSIA40 ,HE CONCLUD$ BY SAY+ ?AT IT WAS V]Y DISCREET 9 ME NOT TO ATTEMPT TO CONTE/ ! FIELD ) ,LADY ,C41 =1 IF ,I DID1 ,I MO/ ASSUR$LY W\LD F9D ,BAD5 MY BURIAL-PLACE4 

,?IS CUT ME TO ! QUICK4 

0,UNLESS %E *OSE TO CONSOLE H]SELF ) Y\60 ADD$ ! ,FR5*MAN ) A GAY1 CRUEL LAU<4 

0,IF %E GOES1 ,I %ALL FOLL[10 WAS ! CO>SE REPLY ( ! VOICE ) ! ,ITALIAN ACC5T4 

0,HAPPY MORTAL6 HE CAN /ILL LOVE60 COMM5T$ ! O!R1 MOCK+LY4 

0,LOVE60 ! ,ITALIAN WAS SIL5T A MOM5T1 !N W5T ON4 0,I CANNOT HELP LOV+6 ,)\T LOVE !RE IS NO LIFE4 ,TO MAKE ( ONE'S LIFE A ROMANCE1--?AT IS ! ONLY GOOD4 ,& MY ROMANCES NEV] BREAK (F 9 ! MIDDLE2 ?IS ONE1 LIKE ! O!RS1 ,I WILL C>RY \T TO ! 5D40 

0,GOOD LUCK1 MY FRI5D60 SAID ! ,FR5*MAN4 

,I HE>D NO MORE = ! SPEAK]S SEEM$ TO TURN ! ANGLE ( ! WALL1 & !IR /EPS REC$$ ON ! O!R SIDE4 ,!Y DESC5D$ ! BROK5 /AIRS1 & 9 A FEW MOM5TS EM]G$ FROM A SIDE-DOOR NE> US1 %[+ MU* SURPRISE AT ! SI<T ( US4 ,I FELT MY *EEKS FLAME :5 ,M>QUIS ,D4 APPROA*$ ME1 & WAS CONFUS$ & FRI<T5$ AT HIS (F]+ ME HIS >M UPON \R LEAV+ ! CA/LE4 ,I C\LD NOT REFUSE IT1 & FOLL[+ ,L4 ,M4 :O L$ ! WAY ) HIS FRI5D1 WE W5T D[N T[>DS ! C>RIAGE4 ,I WAS 9DIGNANT AT :AT ! ,FR5*MAN HAD SAID ( ME1 ?\< ,I C\LD NOT HELP SECRETLY ADMITT+ ?AT HE HAD DONE NO?+ BUT PUT 9TO LANGUAGE :AT ,I MYSELF HAD ALREADY FELT1 BUT ! WORDS ( ! M>QUIS HAD CONF\ND$ & REVOLT$ ME BY !IR GROSSNESS4 ,I WAS TORTUR$ BY ! ?\<T ( HAV+ HE>D !M1 & AT ! SAME TIME ,I HAD SUDD5LY LO/ ALL FE> ( HIM4 ,I WAS DISGU/$ AT FEEL+ HIM SO NE> ME2 )\T LOOK+ AT HIM1 )\T ANSW]+ HIM1 TRY+1 ?\< ,I /ILL HAD HIS >M1 TO KEEP SO F> FROM HIM ?AT ,I C\LD NOT HE> HIS :ISP]S1 ,I WALK$ ON QUICKLY1 CLOSE BEH9D ,L4 ,M4 & ! ,FR5*MAN4 ,! M>QUIS WAS TALK+ AB\T ! LOVELY VIEW1 ! UNEXPECT$ DELI<T ( MEET+ ME1 & ,I KN[ NOT :AT BESIDES1 BUT ,I DID NOT LI/5 TO HIM4 ,! :OLE TIME ,I WAS ?9K+ AB\T MY HUSB&1 MY SON1 ,RUSSIA2 DIVID$ FEEL+S ( %AME & PITY TOOK HOLD ( ME1 & ,I WAS POSSESS$ BY A DESIRE TO HURRY HOME1 TO %UT MYSELF UP 9 MY SOLIT>Y ROOM 9 ! ,HOTEL DE ,BADE1 :]E ,I MI<T BE FREE TO REFLECT UPON ALL ?AT SEEM$ SO SUDD5LY TO HAVE RIS5 UP )9 MY S\L4 ,BUT ,L4 ,M4 WAS WALK+ RA!R SL[LY1 ! C>RIAGE WAS /ILL SOME DI/ANCE AWAY1 & IT SEEM$ TO ME ?AT MY ESCORT WAS OB/9ATELY SLACK5+ \R PACE1 AS IF HE MEANT TO BE LEFT ALONE ) ME4 0,?AT %ALL NOT BE60 ,I SAID TO MYSELF1 QUICK5+ MY /EPS4 ,BUT HE UNDISGUIS$LY KEPT ME BACK1 HOLD+ MY >M ) A CLOSE PRESSURE2 AT ?IS MOM5T ,L4 ,M4 TURN$ A CORN] ( ! ROAD1 & WE W]E LEFT ALONE4 ,I WAS SEIZ$ ) AL>M4 

0,EXCUSE ME10 SAID ,I COLDLY1 DRAW+ MY >M \T ( HIS1 BUT ! LACE CAU<T ON ONE ( HIS BUTTONS4 ,HE /OOP$ T[>DS ME TO DIS5GAGE IT1 & HIS UNGLOV$ F+]S RE/$ ON MY >M4 ,A NEW S5SATION--NOT FRI<T1 C]TA9LY NOT PLEASURE--S5T A *ILL %IV] ?R\< ME4 ,I LOOK$ UP AT HIM1 MEAN+ MY GLANCE TO EXPRESS ALL ! COLD CONTEMPT ,I FELT = HIM2 BUT 9/EAD ( ?IS1 HE SEEM$ TO READ 9 IT ONLY AGITATION & AL>M4 ,HIS >D5T1 HUMID EYES W]E FIX$ PASSIONATELY UPON ME1 HIS H&S GRASP$ MY WRI/S1 HIS HALF-OP5 LIPS W]E MURMUR+ TO ME1 TELL+ ME ?AT HE LOV$ ME1 ?AT ,I WAS EV]Y?+ TO HIM1 HIS HOLD UPON ME GR[+ /RONG] & CLOS] ) EV]Y WORD4 ,I FELT FIRE 9 MY VE9S1 MY VISION WAS OBSCUR$1 ,I TREMBL$ FROM HEAD TO FOOT1 & ! WORDS ,I TRI$ TO UTT] DI$ AWAY 9 MY ?ROAT4 ,SUDD5LY ,I FELT A KISS UPON MY *EEK2 ,I %IV]$1 & LOOK$ 9TO HIS FACE AGA91 P[]LESS TO SPEAK OR /IR1 EXPECT+ & WI%+ ,I KNEW NOT :AT4 

,IT WAS ONLY AN 9/ANT4 ,BUT ?IS 9/ANT WAS T]RIBLE6 ,9 IT ,I SAW HIM AS HE WAS1 ,I ANALYZ$ HIS FACE AT A GLANCE3 L[ BR[1 /RAI<T CORRECT NOSE ) SWELL+ NO/RILS1 F9E BE>D & MU/A*E WAX$ & PO9T$1 *EEKS C>EFULLY %AV51 BR[N NECK4 ,I HAT$ HIM1 ,I FE>$ HIM1 HE WAS A /RANG] TO ME2 NEV]!LESS1 AT ?IS MOM5T1 H[ P[]FULLY ! EMOTION & PASSION ( ?IS DETE/ABLE MAN1 ?IS /RANG]1 WAS REE*O+ )9 ME6 

0,I LOVE Y\60 WAS ! MURMUR ( ! VOICE SO LIKE MY HUSB&'S4 ,MY HUSB& & MY *ILD1--HURRI$LY MY M9D FLA%$ TO !M1 AS BE+S DE>LY LOV$1 ONCE EXI/5T1 N[ GONE1 LO/1 DONE )4 ,BUT SUDD5LY FROM >\ND ! TURN ( ! ROAD ,I HE>D ,L4 ,M4'S VOICE CALL+ ME4 ,I RECOV]$ MYSELF1 SNAT*$ AWAY MY H&S )\T LOOK+ AT HIM1 & ALMO/ FLEW TO REJO9 H]4 ,NOT UNTIL WE W]E 9 ! CALE*E DID ,I GLANCE BACK AT HIM4 ,HE TOOK (F HIS HAT1 & SAID SOME?+ TO ME--,I KN[ NOT :AT--SMIL+4 ,HE LITTLE KNEW :AT 9EXPRESSIBLE TORTURE HE MADE ME 5DURE AT ?AT MOM5T4 

,LIFE APPE>$ SO MIS]ABLE1 ! FUTURE SO DESP]ATE1 ! PA/ SO SOMB]6 ,L4 ,M4 TALK$ TO ME1 BUT ,I DID NOT UND]/& ONE WORD %E WAS SAY+4 ,IT SEEM$ AS ?\< %E WAS ONLY TALK+ TO ME FROM COMPASSION1 & TO HIDE ! CONTEMPT %E FELT4 ,I ?\<T ,I READ ?IS CONTEMPT1 ?IS 9SULT+ COMPASSION 9 EV]Y WORD1 EV]Y GLANCE4 ,?AT KISS WAS BURN+ 9TO MY *EEK ) CUTT+ %AME1 & TO ?9K ( MY HUSB& & *ILD WAS 9SUPPORTABLE TO ME4 ,ONCE ALONE 9 MY *AMB]1 ,I HOP$ TO BE ABLE TO M$ITATE UPON MY SITUATION1 BUT ,I F\ND IT WAS FRI<TFUL TO REMA9 ALONE4 ,I C\LD NOT DR9K ! TEA ?AT WAS BR\<T ME1 & )\T KN[+ :Y1 HURRI$LY ,I DECID$ TO TAKE ! EV5+ TRA9 = ,HEIDELB]G1 TO REJO9 MY HUSB&4 ,:5 ,I WAS SEAT$ ) MY MAID 9 ! EMPTY COMP>TM5T1 :5 ! TRA9 WAS AT LA/ 9 MOTION1 & ,I BREA!D ! FRE% AIR RU%+ 9 ?R\< ! EMPTY W9D[S1 ,I BEGAN TO BE MYSELF AGA91 & TO ?9K ) SOME DEGREE ( CLE>NESS OV] MY PA/ & MY FUTURE4 ,ALL MY M>RI$ LIFE1 FROM ! DAY ( \R DEP>TURE = ,/4 ,PET]SBURG1 LAY BE=E ME 9 A NEW LI<T1 ?AT ( AWAK5$ & ACCUS+ CONSCI5CE4 

,= ! FIR/ TIME1 ,I VIVIDLY RECALL$ ! COMM5CEM5T ( MY LIFE 9 ! C\NTRY1 MY PLANS2 = ! FIR/ TIME1 ! ?\<T CAME TO MY M9D3 H[ HAPPY HE WAS !N6 ,& ,I SUDD5LY FELT GUILTY T[>DS HIM4 0,BUT !N1 :Y NOT *ECK ME1 :Y DISSIMULATE BE=E ME1 :Y AVOID ALL EXPLANATION1 :Y 9SULT ME80 ,I ASK$ MYSELF4 0,:Y NOT USE ! P[] ( HIS LOVE8 ,BUT P]HAPS HE NO LONG] LOV$ ME80--,YET1 :E!R HE WAS TO BLAME OR NOT1 H]E WAS ?IS ON MY *EEK1 ?IS KISS :I* ,I /ILL FELT4 ,! NE>] ,I CAME TO ,HEIDELB]G1 & ! MORE CLE>LY MY HUSB&'S IMAGE PRES5T$ ITSELF1 ! MORE T]RIBLE BECAME ! IMM95T MEET+ ) HIM4 0,I WILL TELL HIM ALL1 ALL2 MY EYES WILL BE BL9D$ ) TE>S ( REP5TANCE10 ?\<T ,I1 0& HE WILL =GIVE ME40 ,BUT ,I DID NOT MYSELF KN[ :AT WAS ?IS 0ALL0 ?AT ,I WAS GO+ TO TELL HIM1 NOR WAS ,I ABSOLUTELY SURE ?AT HE W\LD =GIVE ME4 ,9 FACT1 :5 ,I 5T]$ HIS ROOM & SAW HIS FACE1 SO TRANQUIL DESPITE ITS SURPRISE1 ,I FELT NO LONG] ABLE TO TELL HIM ANY?+1 TO CONFESS ANY?+1 TO 5TREAT HIS =GIV5ESS = ANY?+4 ,AN UNSPEAKABLE SORR[ & DEEP REP5TANCE W]E WEI<+ ME D[N4 

0,:AT W]E Y\ ?9K+ (80 HE SAID3 0,I 9T5D$ JO9+ Y\ AT ,BAD5 TO-MORR[40 ,BUT A SECOND GLANCE AT ME SEEM$ TO />TLE HIM4 0,IS ANY?+ WRONG8 ,:AT IS ! MATT] ) Y\80 HE EXCLAIM$4 

0,NO?+10 ,I REPLI$1 KEEP+ BACK MY TE>S4 0,I HAVE COME AWAY 444 ,I AM NOT GO+ BACK 444 ,LET US GO--TO-MORR[ IF WE CAN--HOME TO ,RUSSIA60 

,HE WAS SIL5T = SOME TIME1 WAT*+ ME N>R[LY4 

0,COME1 TELL ME :AT HAS OCCURR$10 HE SAID1 AT L5G?4 

,I FELT MY FACE GR[ SC>LET1 & MY EYES SANK4 ,HIS W]E GLITT]+ ) AN 9DEF9ABLE =EBOD+1 & HOT ANG]4 ,I DREAD$ ! ?\<TS :I* MI<T BE ASSAIL+ HIM1 &1 ) A P[] ( DISSIMULATION ( :I* ,I C\LD NOT HAVE BELIEV$ MYSELF CAPABLE1 ,I MADE HA/E TO ANSW]3 

0,NO?+ HAS OCCURR$1--BUT ,I WAS OV]:ELM$ BY WE>9ESS & DEJECTION2 ,I WAS ALONE1 ,I BEGAN TO ?9K ( Y\1 & ( \R LIFE4 ,H[ LONG ,I HAVE BE5 TO BLAME T[>DS Y\6 ,AFT] ?IS1 Y\ MAY TAKE ME ) Y\ :]EV] Y\ WI%6 ,YES1 ,I HAVE LONG BE5 TO BLAME10 ,I REPEAT$1 & MY TE>S BEGAN TO FALL FA/4 0,LET US GO BACK TO ! C\NTRY10 ,I CRI$1 0& =EV]60 

0,AH6 MY LOVE1 SP>E ME !SE S5TIM5TAL SC5ES10 SAID HE1 COLDLY2 0= Y\ TO GO TO ! C\NTRY WILL BE ALL V]Y WELL1 JU/ N[1 = WE >E RUNN+ A LITTLE %ORT ( MONEY2 BUT AS = ITS BE+ '=EV]1' ?AT IS BUT A NOTION3 ,I KN[ Y\ C\LD NOT /AY !RE LONG6 ,COME1 DR9K A CUP ( TEA1--?AT IS ! BE/ ?+ TO DO10 HE CONCLUD$1 RIS+ TO CALL A S]VANT4 

,I C\LD NOT HELP IMAG9+ :AT HIS ?\<TS ( ME D\BTLESS W]E1 & ,I FELT 9DIGNANT AT ! FRI<TFUL IDEAS :I* ,I ATTRIBUT$ TO HIM AS ,I MET ! LOOK ( %AME & VIGILANT SUSPICION :I* HE B5T UPON ME4 ,NO1 HE WILL NOT1 & HE CANNOT COMPREH5D ME6444 ,I TOLD HIM ?AT ,I WAS GO+ TO SEE ! *ILD1 & LEFT HIM4 ,I LONG$ TO BE ALONE1 & FREE TO WEEP1 WEEP1 WEEP4444 

,FROM 3 ,!,AN>*I/,LIBR>Y4ORG4 

,*RONOLOGY 3 
,NOVEMB] #c1 #aheh 3 ,*APT] #h -- ,PUBLICATION4 
,JANU>Y #a#b1 #bba 3 ,*APT] #h -- ,ADD$4 

 FILE G5]AT$ FROM 3  
HTTP3_/_/REVOLTLIB4COM_/