,*APT] #g 

#aheiahei 

,PEOPLE 3 

,AU?OR 3 ,LEO ,TOL/OY 

,TEXT 3 

,\R REMOVAL TO ,/4 ,PET]SBURG1 A WEEK 9 ,MOSC[1 VISITS TO HIS RELATIVES & TO MY [N1 SETTL+ \RSELVES 9 \R NEW AP>TM5T1 ! J\RNEY1 ! NEW CITY1 ! NEW FACES1 ALL SEEM$ TO ME LIKE A DREAM4 ,ALL WAS SO NOVEL1 SO *ANGEFUL1 SO GAY1 ALL WAS SO BRI<T5$ = ME BY HIS PRES5CE1 BY HIS LOVE1 ?AT ! PLACID C\NTRY LIFE APPE>$ TO ME SOME?+ V]Y F> (F1 A SORT ( UNREAL ?+4 ,TO MY GREAT SURPRISE1 9/EAD ( ! >ROGANT PRIDE1 ! COLDNESS1 ,I HAD EXPECT$ TO 5C\NT]1 ,I WAS WELCOM$ BY ALL 7NOT ONLY BY \R RELATIVES1 BUT BY /RANG]S17 ) SU* CORDIALITY ?AT IT SEEM$ AS IF !Y HAD NO ?\<T ( ANY?+ BUT ME1 & AS IF ONE & ALL HAD BE5 LONG+ = MY >RIVAL TO COMPLETE !IR [N HAPP9ESS4 ,CONTR>Y TO MY ANTICIPATIONS1 9 ! CIRCLES ( SOCIETY1 EV5 9 ?OSE :I* SEEM$ TO ME MO/ SELECT1 ,I DISCOV]$ MANY FRI5DS & CONNECTIONS ( MY HUSB& :OM HE HAD NEV] M5TION$ TO ME1 & IT (T5 /RUCK ME AS /RANGE & DISAGREEABLE TO HE> HIM UTT] SEV]E /RICTURES UPON SOME ( !SE P]SONS :O SEEM$ TO ME SO GOOD4 ,I C\LD NOT UND]/& :Y HE TREAT$ !M SO COLDLY1 OR :Y HE TRI$ TO AVOID SOME ACQUA9TANCES :OSE 9TIMACY ,I ?\<T RA!R FLATT]+4 ,I ?\<T ?AT ! MORE ONE KNEW ( NICE PEOPLE1 ! BETT] IT WAS1 & ALL !SE W]E NICE PEOPLE4 

0,LET US SEE H[ WE %ALL >RANGE ?+S10 HE HAD SAID TO ME BE=E WE LEFT ! C\NTRY3 0H]E1 WE >E LITTLE ,CROESUSES1 & !RE WE %ALL BE F> FROM RI*2 SO WE CANNOT REMA9 9 ! CITY LONG] ?AN ,EA/]1 & WE CANNOT GO MU* 9TO SOCIETY1 OR WE %ALL F9D \RSELVES EMB>RASS$2 & ,I W\LD NOT LIKE Y\44440 

0,:Y GO 9TO SOCIETY80 ,I HAD ANSW]$2 0WE WILL ONLY VISIT \R RELATIVES1 GO TO ! !AT] & OP]A1 & TO HE> ANY GOOD MUSIC1 & EV5 BE=E ,EA/] WE CAN BE AT HOME AGA9 9 ! C\NTRY40 

,BUT SC>CELY W]E WE 9 ,/4 ,PET]SBURG ?AN ALL !SE F9E PLANS W]E =GOTT54 ,I HAD BE5 SUDD5LY ?R[N 9TO A WORLD SO NEW1 SO HAPPY1 SO MANY DELI<TS HAD SURR\ND$ ME1 SO MANY OBJECTS ( H]ET(ORE UNKN[N 9T]E/ W]E (F]$ TO ME1 ?AT ALL 9 A MOM5T1 AS IT W]E1 & )\T BE+ CONSCI\S ( IT1 ,I DISAV[$ ALL MY PA/1 ,I UPSET ALL ! PLANS =M]LY >RANG$4 ,UNTIL N[ !RE HAD BE5 NO?+ BUT PLAY2 AS TO LIFE ITSELF1 IT HAD NOT YET BEGUN2 BUT H]E IT WAS N[1 ! REAL1 ! TRUE1--& :AT WILL IT BE 9 ! FUTURE8 ?\<T ,I4 ,! ANXIETIES1 ! FITS ( DEPRESSION1 :I* CAME UPON ME 9 ! C\NTRY1 DISAPPE>$ SUDD5LY AS IF BY 5*ANTM5T4 ,MY LOVE = MY HUSB& BECAME CALM]1 &1 ON ! O!R H&1 IT NEV] OCCURR$ TO ME1 9 ?IS NEW LIFE1 TO ?9K ?AT HE WAS LOV+ ME LESS ?AN =M]LY4 ,9DE$1 IT WAS NOT POSSIBLE = ME TO D\BT ?IS LOVE2 EA* ?\<T WAS 9/ANTLY UND]/OOD BY HIM1 EA* S5TIM5T %>$1 EA* WI% GRATIFI$4 ,HIS UNALT]ABLE S]5ITY HAD VANI%$1 H]E1 OR P]HAPS IT HAD ONLY CEAS$ TO CAUSE ME ANY IRRITATION4 ,I EV5 FELT ?AT BESIDES HIS OLD LOVE = ME HE SEEM$ N[ TO F9D SOME NEW *>M 9 ME4 ,(T51 AFT] A VISIT1 AFT] ,I HAD MADE SOME NEW ACQUA9TANCE1 OR AFT] AN EV5+ AT HOME1 :51 ) SECRET MISGIV+ LE/ ,I %\LD COMMIT SOME BLUND]1 ,I HAD BE5 P]=M+ ! DUTIES ( HO/ESS1 HE W\LD SAY TO ME3 

0,WELL1 MY LITTLE GIRL6 BRAVO6 WELL DONE1 9DE$60 

,?IS W\LD FILL ME ) DELI<T4 

,A %ORT TIME AFT] \R >RIVAL HE WROTE TO HIS MO!R1 &1 AS HE H&$ ME ! LETT] TO LET ME ADD A FEW WORDS1 HE SAID ,I MU/ NOT READ :AT HE HAD WRITT52 ,I LAU<+LY P]SI/$ 9 SEE+ IT1 & READ3 

0,Y\ W\LD NOT RECOGNIZE ,KATIA1 ,I H>DLY RECOGNIZE H] MYSELF4 ,:]E C\LD %E HAVE ACQUIR$ ?IS LOVELY & GRACEFUL EASE ( MANN]1 ?IS AFFABILITY1 ?IS FASC9ATION1 ?IS SWEET1 UNCONSCI\S TACT8 ,& /ILL ALWAYS SO SIMPLE1 SO G5TLE1 SO FULL ( K9DNESS4 ,EV]Y ONE IS DELI<T$ ) H]2 & AS = ME1 ,I AM NEV] TIR$ ( ADMIR+ H]1 &1 IF ?AT W]E POSSIBLE1 W\LD BE MORE 9 LOVE ) H] ?AN EV]40 

0,?IS1 !N1 IS :AT ,I AM80 ,I ?\<T4 ,& IT GAVE ME SO MU* PLEASURE & GRATIFICATION ?AT ,I FELT AS IF ,I LOV$ HIM MORE ?AN EV]4 ,MY SUCCESS ) ALL \R ACQUA9TANCES WAS A ?+ ABSOLUTELY UNEXPECT$ BY ME4 ,ON ALL SIDES ,I WAS TOLD3 H]E1 ?AT ,I HAD P>TICUL>LY PLEAS$ MY UNCLE1 !RE1 ?AT AN AUNT WAS RAV+ OV] ME2 BY ?IS ONE1 ?AT !RE WAS NOT A WOMAN 9 ALL ,/4 ,PET]SBURG LIKE ME2 BY ?AT ONE1 ?AT IF ,I *OSE !RE W\LD NOT BE A WOMAN 9 SOCIETY SO S\<T AFT] AS MYSELF4 ,!RE WAS ONE C\S9 ( MY HUSB& ESPECIALLY1 ,PR9CESS ,D41 A LADY ( HI< RANK & FA%ION1 NO LONG] Y\NG1 :O ANN\NC$ ?AT %E HAD FALL5 9 LOVE ) ME AT FIR/ SI<T1 & :O DID MORE ?AN ANY ONE ELSE TO TURN MY HEAD ) FLATT]+ ATT5TIONS4 ,:51 = ! FIR/ TIME1 ?IS C\S9 PROPOS$ TO ME TO GO TO A BALL1 & BROA*$ ! SUBJECT TO MY HUSB&1 HE TURN$ T[>DS ME ) AN ALMO/ IMP]CEPTIBLE SMILE1 & MIS*IEV\S GLANCE1 & ASK$ IF ,I WANT$ TO GO4 ,I NODD$1 & FELT MY FACE FLU%4 

0,ONE W\LD SAY1 A LITTLE CULPRIT1 CONFESS+ A WI%10 HE SAID1 LAU<+ GOOD-HUMOR$LY4 

0,Y\ TOLD ME WE MU/ NOT GO 9TO COMPANY1 & ?AT Y\ W\LD NOT LIKE IT10 ,I RESPOND$1 SMIL+ ALSO1 & GIV+ HIM AN 5TREAT+ GLANCE4 

0,IF Y\ WI% IT V]Y MU*1 WE WILL GO40 

0,9DE$1 ,I W\LD RA!R44440 

0,DO Y\ WI% IT1 WI% IT V]Y MU*80 HE REPEAT$4 

,I MADE NO ANSW]4 

0,! GREATE/ H>M IS NOT 9 ! WORLD1 SOCIETY1 ITSELF10 HE W5T ON2 0IT IS UNSATISFI$ WORLDLY ASPIRATIONS ?AT >E SO EVIL1 SO UNHEAL?FUL4 ,C]TA9LY WE MU/ GO1--& WE WILL GO10 HE CONCLUD$1 UNHESITAT+LY4 

0,TO TELL Y\ ! TRU?10 ,I REPLI$1 0!RE IS NO?+ 9 ! WORLD ,I LONG = SO MU* AS TO GO TO ?IS BALL60 

,WE W5T TO IT1 & MY DELI<T WAS F> BEYOND ALL MY ANTICIPATIONS4 ,AT ?IS BALL1 EV5 MORE ?AN BE=E1 IT SEEM$ TO ME ?AT ,I WAS ! C5T] >\ND :I* EV]Y?+ WAS REVOLV+2 ?AT IT WAS = ME ALONE ?AT ?IS SPL5DID ROOM WAS 9 A BLAZE ( LI<T1 ?AT ! MUSIC WAS S\ND+1 ?AT ! GAY ?RONG WAS GA!R+ 9 EC/ASY BE=E ME4 ,ALL1 FROM ! HAIR-DRESS] & MY MAID TO ! DANC]S1 & EV5 ! /ATELY OLD G5TLEM5 :O SL[LY WALK$ AB\T ?R\< ! ROOMS1 WAT*+ ! Y\NG] PEOPLE1 SEEM$ TO ME TO BE EI!R IMPLY+ OR TELL+ ME 9 D[NRI<T SPEE* ?AT !Y W]E WILD AB\T ME4 ,! IMPRESSION :I* ,I PRODUC$ AT ?IS BALL1 & :I* MY C\S9 PR\DLY CONFID$ TO ME1 WAS SUMM$ UP 9 ! G5]AL V]DICT ?AT ,I WAS NOT ! LEA/ 9 ! WORLD LIKE O!R WOM51 & ?AT !RE WAS AB\T ME SOME PECULI> QUALITY :I* RECALL$ ! SIMPLICITY & *>M ( ! C\NTRY4 ,?IS SUCCESS FLATT]$ ME SO MU* ?AT ,I FRANKLY [N$ TO MY HUSB& H[ ,I LONG$ TO GO TO AT LEA/ TWO OR ?REE ( ! BALLS TO BE GIV5 9 ! C\RSE ( ! W9T]1 09 ORD]10 ,I SAID1 DESPITE A %>P LITTLE :ISP] FROM MY CONSCI5CE1 0?AT ,I MAY BE SATIAT$1 ONCE = ALL60 

,MY HUSB& WILL+LY CONS5T$ TO ?IS1 & AT FIR/ ACCOMPANI$ ME1 ) EVID5T PRIDE & PLEASURE 9 MY SUCCESS1 APP>5TLY =GETT+ OR DISAV[+ :AT HE HAD =M]LY DECID$ ON PR9CIPLE4 

,BUT AFT] A:ILE ,I C\LD SEE ?AT HE WAS BOR$1 & GR[+ TIR$ ( ! LIFE WE W]E LEAD+4 ,H[EV]1 ?IS WAS NOT YET CLE> 5\< TO MY EYES = ME TO UND]/& ! FULL SIGNIFICANCE ( ! GRAVE1 WAT*FUL LOOK HE SOMETIMES DIRECT$ T[>DS ME1 EV5 IF ,I NOTIC$ ! LOOK AT ALL4 ,I WAS SO 9TOXICAT$ BY ?IS LOVE :I* ,I SEEM$ SO SUDD5LY TO HAVE >\S$ 9 ALL !SE /RANG]S1 BY ?IS P]FUME ( ELEGANCE1 PLEASURE1 & NOVELTY1 :I* ,I H]E BREA!D = ! FIR/ TIME2 BY ! APP>5T REMOVAL ( :AT HAD HI!RTO1 AS IT W]E1 HELD ME D[N1 NAMELY1 ! MORAL WEI<T ( MY HUSB&2 IT WAS SO SWEET TO ME1 NOT ONLY TO WALK ?R\< ?IS NEW WORLD ON A LEVEL ) HIM1 BUT TO F9D ! PLACE GIV5 ME !RE EV5 HI<] ?AN HIS1 & YET TO LOVE HIM ) ALL ! MORE /R5G? & 9DEP5D5CE ?AN BE=E2 ?AT ,I C\LD NOT UND]/& ?AT HE LOOK$ ON ) DISPLEASURE AT MY UTT] DELI<T 9 ?IS WORLDLY EXI/5CE4 

,I FELT A NEW ?RILL ( PRIDE & DEEP SATISFACTION1 :5 UPON 5T]+ A BALL-ROOM1 ALL EYES W\LD TURN T[>DS ME2 & :5 HE1 AS IF DISDA9+ TO P>ADE BE=E ! MULTITUDE HIS RI<TS ( PROPRIETOR%IP1 W\LD QUIETLY & AT ONCE LEAVE MY SIDE & GO (F TO BE LO/ 9 ! MASS ( BLACK COATS4 

0,ONLY WAIT60 ,I (T5 ?\<T1 AS MY EYES S\<T HIM \T AT ! 5D ( ! ROOM1 & RE/$ ON HIS FACE1 DIMLY SE5 FROM ! DI/ANCE BETWE5 US1 BUT SOMETIMES ) A V]Y WE>Y LOOK UPON IT2 0WAIT6 :5 WE >E AT HOME AGA9 Y\ %ALL SEE & KN[ = :OM ,I HAVE BE5 GLAD TO BE SO BEAUTIFUL & SO BRILLIANT1 Y\ %ALL KN[ :OM ,I LOVE F>1 F> ABOVE ALL >\ND ME ?IS EV5+40 ,IT SEEM$ TO ME1 V]Y S9C]ELY1 ?AT MY DELI<T 9 MY SUCCESSES WAS ONLY = HIS SAKE1 & ALSO BECAUSE !Y 5ABL$ ME TO SACRIFICE EV5 !MSELVES = HIM4 0,ONE ?+ ALONE10 ,I ?\<T1 0MI<T BE A DANG] TO ME 9 ?IS LIFE 9 ! WORLD3 ?AT IS1 ?AT ONE ( ! M5 ,I MEET H]E MI<T CONCEIVE A PASSION = ME1 & MY HUSB& MI<T GR[ JEAL\S ( HIM2 BUT HE HAD SU* CONFID5CE 9 ME1 HE APPE>$ TO BE SO CALM & 9DIFF]5T1 & ALL !SE Y\NG M5 SEEM$ 9 MY EYES SO EMPTY 9 COMP>ISON ) HIM1 ?AT ?IS P]IL1 ! ONLY ONE1 AS ,I ?\<T1 ) :I* SOCIAL LIFE C\LD ?REAT5 ME1 HAD NO T]RORS AT ALL4 ,/ILL1 ! ATT5TIONS ,I RECEIV$ FROM SO MANY P]SONS 9 SOCIETY GAVE ME SU* PLEASURE1 SU* A S5SE ( SATISFI$ SELF-LOVE ?AT ,I RA!R FELT AS IF !RE WAS SOME M]IT 9 MY V]Y LOVE = MY HUSB&1 :ILE AT ! SAME TIME IT SEEM$ TO IMPRESS UPON MY RELATION TO HIM GREAT] EASE & FRE$OM4 

0,I NOTIC$ H[ V]Y ANIMAT$ Y\R MANN] WAS1 :ILE Y\ W]E TALK+ TO ,N4 ,N410 ,I SAID TO HIM1 ONE EV5+1 UPON \R RETURN FROM A BALL2 & ,I %OOK MY F+] AT HIM AS ,I NAM$ A WELL-KN[N LADY ( ,/4 ,PET]SBURG ) :OM HE HAD SP5T P>T ( ! EV5+4 ,I ONLY MEANT TO TEASE HIM A LITTLE1 = HE WAS SIL5T1 & HAD A WE>I$ LOOK4 

0,AH1 :Y SAY SU* A ?+8 ,& = Y\ TO SAY IT1 ,KATIA60 HE EXCLAIM$1 FR[N+1 & PRESS+ HIS LIPS TOGE!R AS IF 9 PHYSICAL PA94 0,?AT IS NOT LIKE Y\1--NOT BECOM+ Y\R POSITION1 OR M9E4 ,LEAVE SU* SPEE*ES TO O!RS2 BAD JE/S ( ?AT K9D MI<T 5TIRELY DO AWAY ) \R GOOD UND]/&+1--& ,I /ILL HOPE ?AT ?IS GOOD UND]/&+ MAY RETURN40 

,I FELT CONFUS$1 & WAS SIL5T4 

0,WILL IT RETURN1 ,KATIA8 ,:AT DO Y\ ?9K80 HE ASK$4 

0,IT IS NOT *ANG$1--IT WILL NEV] *ANGE10 ,I SAID1 & !N ,I FIRMLY BELIEV$ MY ASS]TION4 

0,MAY ,GOD GRANT IT60 HE EXCLAIM$1 0BUT IT IS TIME WE W]E GO+ BACK TO ! C\NTRY40 

,?IS WAS ! ONLY OCCASION UPON :I* HE SPOKE TO ME 9 ?IS WAY1 & ! RE/ ( ! TIME IT SEEM$ TO ME ?AT EV]Y?+ WAS GO+ ON AS DELI<TFULLY = HIM AS = ME1--& AS = ME1 OH6 ,I WAS SO LI<!>T$1 SO JOY\S6 ,IF OCCASIONALLY ,I HAPP5$ TO NOTICE ?AT HE WAS WE>I$1 ,I W\LD CONSOLE MYSELF BY REFLECT+ H[ LONG1 = HIS SAKE1 ,I HAD BE5 WE>I$ 9 ! C\NTRY2 IF \R RELATIONS SEEM$ TO BE UND]GO+ SOME LITTLE ALT]ATION1 ,I ?\<T H[ SPE$ILY !Y W\LD RESUME !IR OLD *>M :5 WE %\LD F9D \RSELVES AGA9 ALONE1 9 ! SUMM]1 AT \R [N ,NIKOLSKI4 

,?US ! W9T] SP$ AWAY )\T MY REALIZ+ IT2 & ,EA/] CAME1 &1 DESPITE ALL \R RESOLUTIONS WE W]E /ILL 9 ,/4 ,PET]SBURG4 

,! ,SUNDAY FOLL[+1 H[EV]1 WE W]E REALLY READY TO GO1 EV]Y?+ WAS PACK$1 MY HUSB& HAD MADE HIS F9AL PUR*ASES ( FL[]S1 GIFTS1 ?+S ( ALL K9DS :I* W]E NE$$ = ! C\NTRY1 & WAS 9 ONE ( HIS HAPPIE/1 MO/ AFFECTIONATE MOODS4 ,%ORTLY BE=E WE W]E TO />T1 WE HAD AN UNEXPECT$ VISIT FROM \R C\S91 :O CAME TO BEG US TO PO/PONE \R DEP>TURE ONE WEEK1 SO ?AT WE MI<T ATT5D A RECEPTION GIV5 BY ,C\NTESS ,R4 ON ,SATURDAY4 ,%E REM9D$ ME ?AT ,I HAD ALREADY RECEIV$ SEV]AL 9VITATIONS FROM ,C\NTESS ,R41 :I* HAD BE5 DECL9$1 & TOLD ME ?AT ,PR9CE ,M41 !N 9 ,/4 ,PET]SBURG1 HAD1 AT ! LA/ BALL1 EXPRESS$ A DESIRE TO MAKE MY ACQUA9TANCE1 ?AT IT WAS ) ?IS OBJECT 9 VIEW ?AT HE PURPOS$ ATT5D+ ?IS RECEPTION1 & ?AT HE WAS SAY+ EV]Y:]E ?AT ,I WAS ! LOVELIE/ WOMAN 9 ,RUSSIA4 ,! :OLE CITY W\LD BE !RE1--9 ONE WORD1 ,I MU/ GO6 ,IT W\LD BE NO?+ )\T ME4 

,MY HUSB& WAS AT ! O!R 5D ( ! ROOM1 TALK+ TO SOME ONE4 

0,SO Y\ WILL C]TA9LY COME1 ,KATIA80 SAID MY C\S94 

0,WE MEANT TO LEAVE = ! C\NTRY1 DAY AFT] TO-MORR[10 ,I REPLI$1 D\BTFULLY1 AS ,I GLANC$ AT MY HUSB&4 ,\R EYES MET1 & HE TURN$ AWAY ABRUPTLY4 

0,I WILL P]SUADE HIM TO /AY10 SAID MY C\S91 0& ON ,SATURDAY WE WILL TURN ALL HEADS1--WON'T WE80 

0,\R PLANS W\LD BE DIS>RANG$1 ALL \R PACK+ IS DONE10 ,I OBJECT$ FEEBLY1 BEG9N+ TO WAV]4 

0,P]HAPS %E HAD BETT] GO TO-DAY1 AT ONCE1 TO PAY H] RESPECTS TO ! PR9CE60 OBS]V$ MY HUSB& FROM HIS 5D ( ! ROOM1 ) SOME IRRITATION1 & 9 A DICTATORIAL TONE ,I HAD NEV] HE>D FROM HIM BE=E4 

0,:Y1 HE IS GETT+ JEAL\S2 ,I SEE IT = ! FIR/ TIME60 EXCLAIM$ \R C\S91 IRONICALLY4 0,IT IS NOT = ! PR9CE ALONE1 ,S]GIUS ,MIKAILOVIT*1 BUT = ALL ( US1 ?AT ,I WANT H]4 ,?AT IS :Y ,C\NTESS ,R4 IS SO URG5T40 

0,IT DEP5DS UPON H]SELF10 RETURN$ MY HUSB&1 COLDLY1 AS HE LEFT ! ROOM4 

,I HAD SE5 ?AT HE WAS MU* MORE AGITAT$ ?AN USUAL2 ?IS TR\BL$ ME1 & ,I W\LD NOT GIVE A DECID$ ANSW] TO MY C\S94 ,AS SOON AS %E WAS GONE1 ,I W5T TO LOOK = MY HUSB&4 ,HE WAS ?\<TFULLY WALK+ UP & D[N HIS *AMB]1 & NEI!R SAW NOR HE>D ME1 AS ,I /OLE S(TLY 9 ON TIPTOE4 

0,HE IS PICTUR+ TO HIMSELF HIS DE> ,NIKOLSKI10 ?\<T ,I1 WAT*+ HIM1 0HE IS ?9K+ AB\T HIS MORN+ C(FEE 9 ?AT LI<T DRAW+-ROOM1 HIS FIELDS1 HIS PEASANTS1 HIS EV5+S AT HOME1 & HIS SECRET LITTLE NI<T SUPP]S6 ,YES10 ,I DECID$1 9 MY [N M9D1 0,I W\LD GIVE ALL ! BALLS 9 ! WORLD1 & ! FLATT]IES ( EV]Y PR9CE 9 ! UNIV]SE1 TO HAVE AGA9 HIS BRI<T JOY\SNESS & HIS LOV+ C>ESSES60 

,I WAS AB\T TELL+ HIM ?AT ,I WAS NOT GO+ TO ! RECEPTION1 ?AT ,I NO LONG] C>$ TO GO1 :5 HE SUDD5LY GLANC$ BEH9D HIM4 ,AT ! SI<T ( ME1 HIS BR[ D>K5$1 & ! DREAMY G5TL5ESS ( HIS C\NT5ANCE *ANG$ 5TIRELY4 ,! WELL-KN[N LOOK CAME TO HIS FACE1 ! LOOK ( P5ETRAT+ WISDOM & PATRONIZ+ CALMNESS4 ,HE W\LD NOT LET ME SEE 9 HIM SIMPLE HUMAN NATURE3 HE MU/ REMA9 = ME ! DEMI-GOD UPON HIS P$E/AL6 

0,:AT IS IT1 MY LOVE80 HE 9QUIR$1 TURN+ T[>DS ME ) QUIET C>ELESSNESS4 

,I DID NOT ANSW]4 ,I RES5T$ HIS HID+ HIMSELF FROM ME1 HIS NOT ALL[+ ME TO SEE HIM AS ,I BE/ LOV$ HIM4 

0,SO Y\ WI% TO GO TO ?IS RECEPTION1 ON ,SATURDAY80 HE CONT9U$4 

0,I DID WI% TO GO10 ,I REPLI$1 0BUT IT DID NOT SUIT Y\4 ,& !N1 TOO1 ! PACK+ IS DONE10 ,I ADD$4 

,NEV] HAD HE LOOK$ AT ME SO COLDLY1 NEV] SPOK5 SO COLDLY4 

0,I %ALL NOT LEAVE BE=E ,TUESDAY1 & ,I WILL ORD] ! PACK+ TO BE UNDONE10 HE SAID2 0WE WILL NOT GO UNTIL Y\ *OOSE4 ,DO ME ! FAVOR TO GO TO ?IS 5T]TA9M5T4 ,I %ALL NOT LEAVE ! CITY40 

,AS WAS HIS HABIT :5 EXCIT$1 HE W5T ON WALK+ AB\T ! ROOM ) QUICK1 IRREGUL> /EPS1 & DID NOT LOOK AT ME4 

0,MO/ DECID$LY1 ,I DO NOT UND]/& Y\10 ,I SAID1 PUTT+ MYSELF 9 HIS WAY1 & FOLL[+ HIM ) MY EYES4 0,:Y DO Y\ SPEAK TO ME 9 SU* A S+UL> MANN]8 ,I AM QUITE READY TO SACRIFICE ?IS PLEASURE TO Y\1 & Y\1 ) S>CASM Y\ HAVE NEV] BE=E %[N1 Y\ REQUIRE ?AT ,I %ALL GO60 

0,COME6 COME6 ,Y\ SACRIFICE Y\RSELF0 7HE LAID /RONG EMPHASIS ON ! WORD71 0& ,I1 ,I SACRIFICE MYSELF ALSO6 ,COMBAT ( G5]OSITY6 ,!RE1 ,I HOPE1 IS :AT MAY BE CALL$ 'FAMILY HAPP9ESS'60 

,?IS WAS ! FIR/ TIME ,I HAD EV] HE>D FROM HIS LIPS WORDS SO H>D & SATIRICAL4 ,HIS SATIRE DID NOT T\*1 & HIS H>DNESS DID NOT FRI<T5 ME1 BUT !Y BECAME CONTAGI\S4 ,WAS IT REALLY HE1 ALWAYS SO OPPOS$ TO ANY DEBAT+ BETWE5 US1 ALWAYS SO SIMPLE & /RAI<T=W>D1 :O WAS SPEAK+ TO ME ?US8 ,& :Y8 ,JU/ BECAUSE ,I HAD (F]$ TO SACRIFICE MYSELF TO HIS PLEASURE1 :I* WAS REALLY ! SUPREME ?+ 9 MY EYES2 JU/ BECAUSE1 AT ?IS MOM5T1 ) ! ?\<T1 CAME ! COMPREH5SION ( H[ MU* ,I LOV$ HIM4 ,\R *>ACT]S W]E REV]S$2 IT WAS HE :O HAD LO/ ALL FRANKNESS & SIMPLICITY1 & ,I :O HAD F\ND !M4 

0,Y\ >E SO *ANG$10 SAID ,I1 SI<+4 0,( :AT AM ,I GUILTY 9 Y\R EYES8 ,IT IS NOT ?IS RECEPTION1 BUT SOME OLD S91 :I* Y\ >E CA/+ UP AGA9/ ME 9 Y\R HE>T4 ,:Y NOT USE MORE S9C]ITY8 ,Y\ W]E NOT AFRAID ( IT ) ME1 ONCE4 ,SPEAK \T1--:AT HAVE Y\ AGA9/ ME80 

0,NO MATT] :AT HE MAY SAY10 ,I ?\<T1 QUICKLY RUNN+ OV] ! EV5TS ( ! SEASON 9 MY M9D1 0!RE IS NOT ONE ?+ ?AT HE HAS A RI<T TO REPROA* ME )1 ?IS :OLE W9T]40 

,I W5T & /OOD 9 ! MIDDLE ( ! ROOM1 SO ?AT HE W\LD BE OBLIG$ TO PASS NE> ME1 & ,I LOOK$ AT HIM4 ,I SAID TO MYSELF3 0,HE WILL COME CLOSE TO ME1 HE WILL PUT HIS >MS >\ND ME & KISS ME1 & ?AT WILL BE ! 5D ( IT ALL20 ?IS ?\<T D>T$ 9TO MY HEAD1 & IT EV5 CO/ ME SOME?+ TO LET IT 5D SO1 )\T MY PROV+ TO HIM ?AT HE WAS 9 ! WRONG4 ,BUT HE /OOD /ILL AT ! 5D ( ! ROOM1 &1 LOOK+ 9 MY FACE3 

0,Y\ /ILL DO NOT UND]/& ME80 HE SAID4 

0,NO40 

0,YET 444 H[ CAN ,I TELL Y\8444 ,I AM APPALL$1 = ! FIR/ TIME1 ,I AM APPALL$ AT :AT ,I SEE--:AT ,I CANNOT BUT SEE40 ,HE /OPP$1 EVID5TLY FRI<T5$ AT ! R\< TONE ( HIS VOICE4 

0,:AT DO Y\ MEAN80 ,I DEM&$1 9DIGNANT TE>S FILL+ MY EYES4 

0,I AM APPALL$ ?AT1 KN[+ ! PR9CE'S COMM5TS ON Y\R BEAUTY1 Y\ %\LD1 AFT] ?AT1 BE SO READY & WILL+ TO RUN AFT] HIM1 =GETT+ Y\R HUSB&1 Y\RSELF1 Y\R [N DIGNITY AS A WOMAN1--& !N = Y\ NOT TO UND]/& :AT Y\R HUSB& HAS TO FEEL 9 Y\R /EAD1 S9CE Y\ Y\RSELF HAVE NOT ?IS S5SE ( Y\R [N DIGNITY6--F> FROM IT1 Y\ COME & DECL>E TO Y\R HUSB& ?AT Y\ WILL SACRIFICE Y\RSELF1 :I* IS EQUIVAL5T TO SAY+1 ',TO PLEASE ,HIS ,HI<NESS W\LD BE MY GREATE/ HAPP9ESS1 BUT ,I WILL SACRIFICE IT4'0 

,! MORE HE SAID1 ! MORE ! S\ND ( HIS [N VOICE EXCIT$ HIM1 & ! H>D]1 MORE CUTT+ & VIOL5T1 BECAME HIS VOICE4 ,I HAD NEV] SE51 & HAD NEV] EXPECT$ TO SEE HIM ?US2 ! BLOOD SURG$ TO MY HE>T2 ,I WAS FRI<T5$1 BUT YET1 AT ! SAME TIME1 A S5SE ( UNM]IT$ DISGRACE & (F5D$ SELF-LOVE >\S$ ME1 & ,I KE5LY LONG$ TO TAKE SOME V5GEANCE ON HIM4 

0,I HAVE LONG EXPECT$ ?IS \TBREAK10 SAID ,I1 0SPEAK1 SPEAK60 

0,I DO NOT KN[ :AT Y\ MAY HAVE EXPECT$10 HE W5T ON1 0BUT ,I MI<T HAVE ANTICIPAT$ /ILL WORSE ?+S1 FROM SEE+ Y\ DAY BY DAY /EEP$ 9 ?IS SLIME1 ?IS IDL5ESS1 ?IS LUXURY1 ?IS S5SELESS SOCIETY2 & ,I DID ANTICIPATE4444 ,I DID ANTICIPATE ?IS ?AT TO-DAY COV]S ME ) %AME1 & S9KS ME 9 MIS]Y SU* AS ,I HAVE NEV] EXP]I5C$2 %AME = MYSELF1 :5 Y\R DE> FRI5D1 PRY+ & FUMBL+ AB\T 9 MY HE>T ) H] UNCLEAN F+]S1 SPOKE ( MY JEAL\SY1--& JEAL\SY ( :OM8 ,( A MAN :OM NEI!R Y\ NOR ,I HAVE EV] SE56 ,& Y\1 AS IF PURPOSELY1 Y\ WILL NOT UND]/& ME1 Y\ 'WILL SACRIFICE' TO ME1--:OM8 ,GREAT ,GOD6444 ,%AME ON Y\R DEGRADATION6 ,SACRIFICE60 HE REPEAT$ ONCE MORE4 

0,AH1 ?IS !N IS :AT IS MEANT BY ! HUSB&'S AU?ORITY10 ,I ?\<T4 0,TO 9SULT & HUMILIATE HIS WIFE1 :O IS NOT GUILTY ( ! V]Y LEA/ ?+ 9 ! WORLD6 ,H]E !N >E 'M>ITAL RI<TS2'--BUT ,I1 = ONE1 WILL NEV] SUBMIT TO !M60 

0,WELL1 ,I SACRIFICE NO?+ TO Y\1 !N10 ,I RETURN$1 FEEL+ MY NO/RILS DILATE1 & MY FACE GR[ BLOODLESS4 0,I WILL GO TO ! RECEPTION ON ,SATURDAY4 ,I MO/ C]TA9LY WILL GO60 

0,& ,GOD GIVE Y\ PLEASURE 9 IT6 ,ONLY--ALL IS 5D$ BETWE5 US60 HE EXCLAIM$1 9 AN UNCONTROLLABLE TRANSPORT ( RAGE4 0,AT LEA/ Y\ %ALL NOT MAKE A M>TYR ( ME ANY LONG]4 ,I WAS A FOOL :O44440 

,BUT HIS LIPS TREMBL$1 & HE MADE A VISIBLE EF=T NOT TO F9I% :AT HE HAD BEGUN TO SAY4 

,AT ?IS MOM5T ,I WAS AFRAID ( HIM & ,I HAT$ HIM4 ,I LONG$ TO SAY A GREAT MANY MORE ?+S TO HIM1 & TO AV5GE MYSELF = ALL HIS 9SULTS2 BUT IF ,I HAD SO MU* AS OP5$ MY LIPS1 MY TE>S C\LD NO LONG] HAVE BE5 RE/RA9$1 & ,I W\LD HAVE FELT MY DIGNITY COMPROMIS$ BE=E HIM4 ,I LEFT ! ROOM1 )\T A WORD4 ,BUT SC>CELY WAS ,I BEYOND ! S\ND ( HIS FOOT/EPS :5 ,I WAS SUDD5LY SEIZ$ ) T]ROR AT ! ?\<T ( :AT WE HAD DONE4 ,IT SEEM$ TO ME HORRIBLE ?AT1 P]HAPS = LIFE1 ?IS BOND1 :I* CON/ITUT$ ALL MY HAPP9ESS1 WAS DE/ROY$1 & MY IMPULSE WAS TO RETURN AT ONCE4 ,BUT W\LD HIS PASSION HAVE SUBSID$ SUFFICI5TLY = HIM TO COMPREH5D ME1 IF1 )\T A WORD1 ,I %\LD HOLD \T MY H& TO HIM1 & LOOK 9TO HIS EYES8 ,W\LD HE COMPREH5D MY G5]OSITY8 ,SUPPOSE HE %\LD REG>D MY S9C]E SORR[ AS DISSIMULATION8 ,OR %\LD CONSID] MY VOLUNT>Y RI<T-DO+ AS REP5TANCE1 & RECEIVE ME ON ?AT SCORE8 ,OR GRANT ME P>DON1 ) PR\D TRANQUILITY8 ,& :Y1 :5 ,I HAVE LOV$ HIM SO MU*1 OH1 :Y %\LD HE HAVE 9SULT$ ME SO8 

,I DID NOT GO BACK TO HIM1 BUT 9TO MY [N ROOM1 :]E ,I SAT = A LONG TIME1 CRY+1 RECALL+ ) T]ROR EV]Y WORD ( \R CONV]SATION1 M5TALLY SUB/ITUT+ O!R WORDS = ?OSE WE HAD US$1 ADD+ DIFF]5T & BETT] ONES1 !N REM9D+ MYSELF AGA91 ) A M+L$ S5SE ( FRI<T & \TRAG$ FEEL+1 ( ALL ?AT HAD TAK5 PLACE4 ,:5 ,I CAME D[N TO TEA1 9 ! EV5+1 & 9 ! PRES5CE ( ,C41 :O WAS MAK+ US A VISIT1 MET MY HUSB& AGA91 ,I WAS AW>E ?AT FROM ?IS DAY =W>D !RE MU/ BE AN OP5 GULF BETWE5 US4 ,C4 ASK$ ME :5 WE W]E GO+ TO LEAVE ! CITY4 ,I C\LD NOT ANSW] H]4 

0,ON ,TUESDAY10 REPLI$ MY HUSB&1 0WE >E /AY+ = ,C\NTESS ,R'S RECEPTION4 ,Y\ >E GO+1 NO D\BT80 HE CONT9U$1 TURN+ TO ME4 

,I WAS FRI<T5$ AT ! S\ND ( HIS VOICE1 AL?\< IT SEEM$ QUITE AS USUAL1 & GLANC$ AT MY HUSB&4 ,HIS EYES W]E FIX$ ON ME1 ) A H>D IRONICAL LOOK1 HIS TONE WAS MEASUR$1 COLD4 

0,YES10 ,I REPLI$4 

,LAT]1 :5 WE W]E ALONE1 HE APPROA*$ ME1 & HOLD+ \T HIS H&3 

0,=GET1 ,I 5TREAT Y\1 :AT ,I SAID TO Y\40 

,I TOOK HIS H&1 A FA9T SMILE CAME TO MY TREMBL+ LIPS1 & ! TE>S />T$ TO MY EYES2 BUT HE QUICKLY DREW IT AWAY &1 AS IF FE>+ A S5TIM5TAL SC5E1 W5T & SAT D[N 9 AN >M-*AIR AT SOME DI/ANCE FROM ME4 0,IS IT POSSIBLE ?AT HE /ILL BELIEVES HIMSELF RI<T80 ?\<T ,I2 & ,I HAD ON MY LIPS A CORDIAL EXPLANATION1 & A REQUE/ NOT TO GO TO ! RECEPTION4 

0,I MU/ WRITE TO MAMA ?AT WE HAVE PO/PON$ \R DEP>TURE10 SAID HE1 0OR %E WILL BE UNEASY40 

0,& :5 DO Y\ 9T5D TO LEAVE80 ,I ASK$4 

0,ON ! ,TUESDAY AFT] ! RECEPTION40 

0,I HOPE ?IS IS NOT ON MY ACC\NT10 SAID ,I1 LOOK+ 9TO HIS EYES1 BUT !Y ONLY LOOK$ BACK 9TO M9E )\T TELL+ ME ANY?+1 AS IF !Y W]E HELD F> FROM ME BY SOME SECRET =CE4 ,ALL AT ONCE1 HIS FACE APPE>$ TO ME OLD & DISAGREEABLE4 

,WE W5T TO ! RECEPTION1 & SEEM+LY \R RELATIONS W]E AGA9 CORDIAL & AFFECTIONATE1 BUT 9 REALITY !Y W]E QUITE UNLIKE :AT !Y HAD BE5 9 ! PA/4 

,AT ! RECEPTION ,I WAS SITT+ 9 ! MID/ ( A CIRCLE ( LADIES1 :5 ! PR9CE APPROA*$ ME1 SO ?AT ,I WAS OBLIG$ TO /& UP & SPEAK TO HIM4 ,AS ,I DID SO1 MY EYES 9VOLUNT>ILY S\<T MY HUSB&2 ,I SAW HIM LOOK AT ME1 FROM ! O!R 5D ( ! ROOM1 & !N TURN AWAY4 ,SU* A RU% ( %AME & SORR[ CAME OV] ME1 ?AT ,I FELT ALMO/ ILL1 & ,I KNEW ?AT MY FACE & NECK GREW SC>LET UND] ! EYES ( ! PR9CE4 ,BUT ,I HAD TO /& & LI/5 TO :AT HE WAS SAY+ TO ME1 ALL ! :ILE FEEL+ HIM SCRUT9IZE ME KE5LY FROM HEAD TO FOOT4 ,\R CONV]SATION WAS NOT LONG1 !RE WAS NOT ROOM NE> ME = HIM TO SIT D[N1 & HE C\LD NOT HELP SEE+ H[ ILL AT EASE ,I WAS ) HIM4 ,WE TALK$ ( ! LA/ BALL1 :]E ,I WAS TO SP5D ! SUMM]1 ETC4 ,UPON LEAV+ ME HE EXPRESS$ A WI% TO MAKE MY HUSB&'S ACQUA9TANCE1 & 9 A LITTLE :ILE ,I SAW !M MEET1 AT ! O!R 5D ( ! ROOM1 & BEG9 TO TALK ) EA* O!R4 ,! PR9CE MU/ HAVE MADE SOME REM>K CONC]N+ ME1 = ,I SAW HIM SMILE & GLANCE 9 MY DIRECTION4 

,MY HUSB&'S FACE FLU%$ D>KLY1 HE B[$1 & WAS ! FIR/ TO CONCLUDE ! 9T]VIEW4 ,I FELT MY COLOR RISE1 ALSO1 = ,I WAS MORTIFI$ TO ?9K :AT OP9ION ! PR9CE MU/ HAVE =M$ ( ME1 & MORE ESPECIALLY ( ,S]GIUS4 ,IT SEEM$ TO ME ?AT EV]Y ONE MU/ HAVE OBS]V$ MY EMB>RASSM5T :ILE ,I WAS TALK+ ) ! PR9CE1 & ALSO HIS V]Y S+UL> MANN]2 0,GOD KN[S10 SAID ,I TO MYSELF1 0:AT 9T]PRETATION MAY BE PUT UPON IT2 C\LD ANY ONE HAPP5 TO KN[ ( MY WRANGLE ) MY HUSB&80 ,MY C\S9 TOOK ME HOME1 & ON ! WAY WE W]E TALK+ AB\T HIM4 ,I C\LD NOT RESI/ TELL+ H] ALL ?AT HAD PASS$ BETWE5 US 9 REG>D TO ?IS UN=TUNATE RECEPTION4 ,%E SOO!D ME BY ASSURANCES ?AT IT WAS ONLY ONE ( ?OSE FREQU5T QU>RELS1 :I* SIGNIFY NO?+ AT ALL & LEAVE NO RESULT BEH9D !M2 & 9 EXPLA9+ MY HUSB&'S *>ACT] FROM H] PO9T ( VIEW1 %E SPOKE ( HIM AS EXTREMELY RES]V$ & PR\D4 ,I AGRE$ ) H]1 & IT SEEM$ TO ME ?AT1 AFT] ?IS1 ,I COMPREH5D$ HIS *>ACT] MORE CLE>LY & MU* MORE CALMLY4 

,BUT AFT]W>DS1 :5 WE W]E AGA9 ALONE TOGE!R1 ?IS JUDGM5T ( M9E ) REG>D TO HIM APPE>$ TO ME A REAL CRIME1 :I* WEI<$ UPON MY CONSCI5CE1 & ,I FELT ?AT ! GULF BETWE5 US WAS WID5+ MORE & MORE4 

,FROM ?IS DAY ON1 \R LIFE & \R MUTUAL RELATIONS SUFF]$ A COMPLETE *ANGE4 ,BE+ ALONE TOGE!R WAS NO LONG] A DELI<T TO US4 ,!RE W]E SUBJECTS TO BE AVOID$1 & IT WAS EASI] = US TO TALK TO EA* O!R 9 ! PRES5CE ( A ?IRD P]SON4 ,IF 9 ! C\RSE ( CONV]SATION ANY ALLUSION *ANC$ TO BE MADE1 EI!R TO LIFE 9 ! C\NTRY1 OR TO BALLS1 DAZZL+ WILD-FIRE SEEM$ TO DANCE BE=E \R EYES & MAKE US AFRAID TO LOOK AT EA* O!R2 ,I KNEW ?AT HIS EMB>RASSM5T WAS AS GREAT AS MY [N2 WE BO? REALIZ$ H[ F> ASUND] WE W]E ?RU/ BY ?AT DIVID+ GULF1 & DREAD$ DRAW+ NE>]4 ,I WAS P]SUAD$ ?AT HE WAS PASSIONATE & PR\D1 & ?AT ,I MU/ BE V]Y C>EFUL NOT TO RUN AGA9/ HIS WEAK PO9TS4 ,&1 ON HIS P>T1 HE WAS CONV9C$ ?AT ,I C\LD NOT EXI/ \TSIDE ( ! LIFE ( ! WORLD1 ?AT A HOME 9 ! C\NTRY DID NOT SUIT ME AT ALL1 & ?AT HE MU/ RESIGN HIMSELF TO ?IS UNHAPPY PR$ILECTION4 ,!RE=E WE BO? %UNN$ ANY DIRECT CONV]SATION UPON SU* SUBJECTS1 & EA* ]RONE\SLY JUDG$ ! O!R4 ,WE HAD LONG CEAS$ TO BE RESPECTIVELY1 9 EA* O!R'S EYES1 ! MO/ P]FECT BE+S 9 ?IS WORLD2 ON ! CONTR>Y1 WE W]E BEG9N+ TO COMP>E EA* O!R ) ?OSE >\ND US1 & TO MEASURE ) SECRET APPRECIATION \R [N *>ACT]S4 

,FROM 3 ,!,AN>*I/,LIBR>Y4ORG4 

,*RONOLOGY 3 
,NOVEMB] #c1 #aheh 3 ,*APT] #g -- ,PUBLICATION4 
,JANU>Y #a#b1 #bba 3 ,*APT] #g -- ,ADD$4 

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