,*APT] #f 

#aheiahei 

,PEOPLE 3 

,AU?OR 3 ,LEO ,TOL/OY 

,TEXT 3 

,! DAYS1 ! WEEKS1 TWO 5TIRE MON?S ( LONELY C\NTRY LIFE SLIPP$ AWAY1 IMP]CEPTIBLY1 IT APPE>$ TO US2 BUT ! S5SATIONS1 ! EMOTIONS1 & ! HAPP9ESS ( !SE TWO MON?S W\LD HAVE SUFFIC$ TO FILL A :OLE LIFE4 ,MY DREAMS1 & HIS1 CONC]N+ ! MODE ( ORGANIZ+ \R JO9T EXI/5CE W]E NOT REALIZ$ EXACTLY AS WE HAD ANTICIPAT$4 ,BUT1 NEV]!LESS1 ! REALITY WAS NOT BEL[ \R DREAMS4 ,?IS WAS NOT ! LIFE ( /RICT 9DU/RY1 FULL ( DUTIES1 ABNEGATION1 & SACRIFICES1 :I* ,I HAD PICTUR$ TO MYSELF :5 ,I BECAME HIS BETRO!D2 ON ! CONTR>Y1 IT WAS ! ABSORB+ & EGOTI/ICAL S5TIM5T ( LOVE1 JOYS )\T REASON & )\T 5D1 OBLIVION ( EV]Y?+ 9 ! WORLD4 ,HE W\LD1 IT IS TRUE1 SOMETIMES RETIRE TO HIS /UDY & OCCUPY HIMSELF ) SOME?+ DEM&+ ATT5TION2 SOMETIMES HE W5T TO ! CITY ON BUS9ESS1 OR OV]LOOK$ HIS AGRICULTURAL MATT]S2 BUT ,I C\LD SEE H[ H>D IT WAS = HIM TO TE> HIMSELF AWAY FROM ME4 ,9DE$1 HE HIMSELF SAID ?AT :5EV] ,I WAS NOT PRES5T1 ?+S APPE>$ TO HIM SO DEVOID ( 9T]E/ ?AT ! WOND] WAS ?AT HE C\LD ATT5D TO !M AT ALL4 ,IT WAS PRECISELY ! SAME ON MY SIDE4 ,I READ1 ,I BUSI$ MYSELF ) MY MUSIC1 ) ,MAMA1 ) ! S*OOLS2 BUT ,I ONLY DID SO BECAUSE ALL !SE EMPLOYM5TS W]E 9 SOME WAY CONNECT$ ) HIM1 & MET ) HIS APPROBATION1 & ! 9/ANT ! ?\<T ( HIM CEAS$ TO BE 9 SOME MANN]1 DIRECT OR 9DIRECT1 ASSOCIAT$ ) ANY?+ :ATEV] ?AT ,I WAS DO+1 ,I W\LD /OP DO+ IT4 ,TO ME1 HE WAS ! ONLY P]SON 9 ! UNIV]SE1 ! H&SOME/1 NOBLE/ HUMAN BE+ 9 ! WIDE WORLD2 ( C\RSE1 !RE=E1 ,I C\LD LIVE = NO?+ BUT HIM1 C\LD /RIVE = NO?+ BUT TO REMA9 9 HIS EYES :AT HE CONSID]$ ME4 ,= HE HONE/LY CONSID]$ ME ! FIR/ & HI<E/ ( WOM51 GIFT$ ) EV]Y EXCELL5CE & *>M2 & MY ONE AIM WAS TO BE 9 REALITY = HIM ?IS HI<E/ & MO/ COMPLETE ( ALL EXI/+ CREATURES4 

,\RS WAS ONE ( ?OSE OLD C\NTRY HOMES1 :]E G5]ATION AFT] G5]ATION ( ANCE/ORS HAD LIV$1 LOV$ EA* O!R1 & PEACEFULLY PASS$ AWAY4 ,! V]Y WALLS SEEM$ TO BREA! \T HAPPY H\SEHOLD MEMORIES1 & NO SOON] HAD ,I SET MY FOOT UPON ! ?RE%OLD1 ?AN !SE ALL APPE>$ TO BECOME MEMORIES ( MY [N4 ,! >RANGEM5T & ORD] ( ! DWELL+ W]E OLD-FA%ION$1 C>EFULLY KEPT SO BY ,TATIANIA ,SEM5OVNA4 ,NO ONE C\LD HAVE SAID ?AT ANY?+ WAS H&SOME OR ELEGANT1 BUT EV]Y?+1 FROM ! ATT5DANCE TO ! FURNITURE & ! FOOD1 WAS PROP]1 SOLID1 REGUL>1 & SEEM$ TO 9SPIRE RESPECT4 ,9 ! DRAW+-ROOM1 TABLES1 *AIRS1 & DIVANS W]E SYMMETRICALLY RANG$1 ! WALLS W]E HIDD5 BY FAMILY PORTRAITS1 & ! FLOOR WAS COV]$ ) ANCI5T RUGS & IMM5SE L&SCAPES 9 L954 ,9 ! SMALL P>LOR !RE WAS AN OLD GR& PIANO1 TWO *IFFONI]S ( DIFF]5T %APES1 A DIVAN1 & ONE OR TWO TABLES DECORAT$ ) WR\<T COPP]4 ,MY PRIVATE ROOM1 ADORN$ BY ,TATIANA ,SEM5OVNA1 WAS HONOR$ ) ALL ! F9E/ PIECES ( FURNITURE1 IRRESPECTIVE ( V>Y+ /YLES & DATES1 &1 AMONG ! RE/1 ) AN OLD MIRROR ) DOORS1 :I* AT FIR/ ,I H>DLY D>$ TO RAISE MY EYES TO1 BUT :I* AFT]W>DS BECAME LIKE A DE> OLD FRI5D TO ME4 ,TATIANA'S VOICE WAS NEV] HE>D1 BUT ! H\SEHOLD W5T ON ) ! REGUL>ITY ( A WELL-W\ND CLOCK1 AL?\< !RE W]E MANY MORE S]VANTS ?AN W]E NECESS>Y4 ,BUT ALL !SE S]VANTS1 WE>+ !IR S(T HEELLESS SLIPP]S 7= ,TATIANA ,SEM5OVNA 9SI/$ ?AT CREAK+ SOLES & P\ND+ HEELS W]E1 ( ALL ?+S 9 ! WORLD1 ! MO/ DISAGREEABLE71 ALL !SE S]VANTS APPE>$ PR\D ( !IR CONDITION1 TREMBL+ BE=E ! OLD LADY1 %[+ TO MY HUSB& & ME A PROTECT+ GOOD-WILL1 & SEEM+ TO TAKE SPECIAL SATISFACTION 9 ! DIS*>GE ( !IR RESPECTIVE DUTIES4 ,EV]Y ,SATURDAY1 REGUL>LY1 ! FLOORS W]E SC\R$1 & ! C>PETS %AK52 ON ! FIR/ DAY ( EV]Y MON?1 A ,TE ,DEUM WAS *ANT$1 & HOLY WAT] SPR9KL$2 :ILE UPON EV]Y RECURR+ FETE-DAY ( ,TATIANA ,SEM5OVNA & H] SON1 & N[ ALSO UPON M9E 7:I* TOOK PLACE ?IS AUTUMN1 = ! FIR/ TIME71 A FEA/ WAS GIV5 TO ALL ! NEI<BORHOOD4 ,& ALL ?IS WAS P]=M$ PRECISELY AS 9 ! OLDE/ TIMES ?AT ,TATIANA ,SEM5OVNA C\LD REMEMB]4 

,MY HUSB& 9T]F]$ 9 NO?+ CONC]N+ ! MANAGEM5T ( ! H\SE1 CONF9+ HIMSELF TO ! CONTROL ( ! E/ATE1 & ! AFFAIRS ( ! PEASANTS1 :I* FULLY OCCUPI$ HIM4 

,HE ROSE V]Y E>LY1 EV5 DUR+ ! W9T]1 SO ?AT HE WAS ALWAYS GONE :5 ,I WOKE4 ,HE G5]ALLY RETURN$ = TEA1 :I* WE TOOK ALONE TOGE!R2 & AT !SE TIMES1 HAV+ F9I%$ ! TR\BLES & ANNOYANCES ( HIS AGRICULTURAL MATT]S1 HE W\LD (T5 FALL 9TO ?AT P>TICUL>LY JOY\S LI<!>T$ /ATE ( M9D1 :I* WE US$ TO CALL LE TRANSPORT SAUVAGE4 ,(T51 :5 ,I ASK$ HIM TO TELL ME :AT HE HAD BE5 DO+ ALL ! MORN+1 HE W\LD RELATE SU* P]FECTLY ABSURD ADV5TURES1 ?AT WE W\LD ALMO/ DIE ( LAU<+2 SOMETIMES :5 ,I DEM&$ A SOB] ACC\NT1 HE W\LD GIVE IT TO ME1 MAK+ AN EF=T TO RE/RA9 EV5 A SMILE4 ,AS = ME1 ,I WAT*$ HIS EYES1 OR ! MOTION ( HIS LIPS1 & DID NOT UND]/& A WORD HE SAID1 BE+ 5TIRELY TAK5 UP ) ! PLEASURE ( LOOK+ AT HIM & HE>+ HIS VOICE4 

0,COME1 N[1 :AT WAS ,I SAY+80 HE W\LD ASK2 0REPEAT IT TO ME60 

,BUT ,I NEV] C\LD REPEAT ANY ( IT4 

,TATIANA ,SEM5OVNA NEV] MADE H] APPE>ANCE UNTIL D9N] TIME1 TAK+ H] TEA ALONE1 & ONLY S5D+ AN AMBASSADOR TO WI% US GOOD-MORN+4 ,I ALWAYS F\ND IT H>D NOT TO BUR/ \T LAU<+1 :5 ! MAID 5T]$1 TOOK H] /& BE=E US ) H] H&S CROSS$ ONE UPON ! O!R1 &1 9 H] MEASUR$ TONES 9=M$ US ?AT ,TATIANA ,SEM5OVNA DESIR$ TO KN[ :E!R WE HAD SLEPT WELL1 & :E!R WE LIK$ ! LITTLE CAKES WE HAD = TEA4 ,UNTIL D9N] TIME WE SELDOM REMA9$ TOGE!R4 ,I PLAY$1 OR READ1 ALONE2 HE WROTE1 OR SOMETIMES W5T \T AGA92 BUT AT F\R O'CLOCK WE W5T D[N TO ! DRAW+-ROOM = D9N]4 ,MAMA CAME \T ( H] *AMB]1 & !N ! POOR G5TLE-FOLK & PILGRIMS :O HAPP5$ TO BE LODG+ 9 ! H\SE1 USUALLY TWO OR ?REE 9 NUMB] MADE !IR APPE>ANCE4 ,REGUL>LY EV]Y DAY MY HUSB&1 FOLL[+ ! ANCI5T CU/OM1 (F]$ HIS >M TO HIS MO!R1 TO CONDUCT H] TO ! D9+-ROOM1 & %E REQUE/$ HIM TO TAKE ME UPON HIS O!R >M4 ,MAMA PRESID$ AT D9N]1 & ! CONV]SATION WAS ( A S]I\S1 ?\<TFUL TURN1 NOT ALTOGE!R )\T A %ADE ( SOLEMNITY4 ,! SIMPLE EV]YDAY TALK BETWE5 MY HUSB& & MYSELF WAS ! ONLY AGREEABLE DIV]SION 9 ! GRAVE ASPECT ( !SE TABLE SESSIONS4 ,AFT] D9N]1 ,MAMA TOOK H] SEAT 9 A L>GE >M-*AIR 9 ! SALON1 & CUT OP5 ! LEAVES ( ANY NEWLY->RIV$ BOOKS2 WE READ AL\D1 OR W5T TO ! PIANO 9 ! SMALL DRAW+-ROOM4 ,WE READ A GREAT DEAL TOGE!R DUR+ ?OSE TWO MON?S1 BUT MUSIC CONT9U$ TO BE \R SUPREME 5JOYM5T1 = EV]Y DAY IT SEEM$ TO /RIKE SOME NEW *ORD 9 \R HE>TS1 :OSE VIBRATIONS REVEAL$ US TO EA* O!R MORE & MORE :OLLY4 ,:5 ,I WAS PLAY+ HIS FAVORITE AIRS HE RETIR$ TO A DIVAN AT SOME DI/ANCE1 :]E ,I C\LD SC>CELY SEE HIM1 & ) A K9D ( MODE/Y ( S5TIM5T TRI$ TO CONCEAL FROM ME ! EMOTION MY MUSIC PRODUC$2 BUT1 (T51 :5 HE LEA/ EXPECT$ IT1 ,I ROSE FROM ! PIANO & RAN TO HIM1 TO TRY TO SURPRISE UPON HIS C\NT5ANCE ! TRACES ( ?IS DEEP FEEL+ & TO CAT* ! ALMO/ SUP]NATURAL LI<T 9 ! HUMID EYES :I* HE VA9LY /ROVE TO CONCEAL FROM ME4 ,I PRESID$ OV] \R LATE TEA 9 ! L>GE DRAW+-ROOM1 AGA9 ALL ! FAMILY W]E GA!R$ R\ND ! TABLE1 & = A LONG TIME ?IS =MAL ASSEMBL+ NE> ! SAMOV>1 AS 9 A TRIBUNAL1 ) ! DI/RIBUTION ( ! CUPS & GLASSES1 DISCOMPOS$ ME V]Y MU*4 ,IT ALWAYS SEEM$ TO ME ?AT ,I WAS NOT YET WOR?Y ( !SE HONORS1 ?AT ,I WAS TOO Y\NG1 TOO GIDDY1 TO TURN ! FAUCET ( ?AT /ATELY SAMOV>1 SET ! CUPS ON ,NIKITA'S TRAY & SAY3 0,= ,PET] ,IVANOVIT*2 = ,M>IA ,M9I*NA10 & ASK3 0,IS IT SWEET 5\<80 ,& AFT]W>DS GIVE \T ! LUMPS ( SUG> = ! :ITE-HAIR$ NURSE & ! O!R OLD S]VANTS4 0,P]FECT1 P]FECT10 MY HUSB& W\LD (T5 TELL ME2 0QUITE A GR[N-UP P]SON60 & !N ,I W\LD FEEL MORE 9TIMIDAT$ ?AN EV]4 

,AFT] TEA ,MAMA PLAY$ PATI5CE1 OR %E & ,M>IA ,M9I*NA HAD A GAME ( C>DS TOGE!R2 !N %E EMBRAC$ US BO? & GAVE US H] BLESS+1 & WE )DREW TO \R [N AP>TM5T4 ,!RE1 H[EV]1 \R EV5+ TETE-A-TETE WAS USUALLY PROLONG$ UNTIL MIDNI<T1 = !SE W]E \R PLEASANTE/ H\RS 9 ! TW5TY-F\R4 ,HE TOLD ME AB\T HIS PA/ LIFE1 WE MADE PLANS1 OCCASIONALLY WE PHILOSOPHIZ$1 ALL ! TIME TALK+ 9 A L[ TONE LE/ WE MI<T BE OV]HE>D4 ,WE LIV$1 HE & ,I1 ALMO/ UPON ! FOOT+ ( /RANG]S 9 ?IS HUGE OLD H\SE1 :]E EV]Y?+ SEEM$ TO BE WEI<$ UPON BY ! SEV]E SPIRIT ( ANCI5T TIMES & ( ,TATIANA ,SEM5OVNA4 ,NOT ONLY %E H]SELF1 BUT ALSO ! S]VANTS1 ALL !SE OLD M5 & WOM51 ! FURNITURE1 ! PICTURES1 ALL 9SPIR$ ME ) RESPECT & A K9D ( FE>1 & AT ! SAME TIME ) ! CONSCI\SNESS ?AT MY HUSB& & ,I W]E NOT EXACTLY 9 \R [N PLACE !RE & ?AT \R CONDUCT MU/ BE EXTREMELY CIRCUMSPECT4 ,AS WELL AS ,I REMEMB]1 N[1 ?IS SEV]E ORD] & ! PRODIGI\S NUMB] ( IDLE1 9QUISITIVE M5 & WOM5 AB\T \R H\SE W]E V]Y H>D TO BE>3 BUT EV5 ?IS S5SE ( OPPRESSION ONLY S]V$ TO VIVIFY \R MUTUAL LOVE4 ,NOT ONLY ,I1 BUT HE ALSO1 MADE AN EF=T NOT TO LET IT BE SE5 ?AT ANY?+ 9 \R HOME WAS DISPLEAS+ TO US4 ,SOMETIMES ?IS CALMNESS1 ?IS 9DULG5CE1 ?IS SEEM+ 9DIFF]5CE TO EV]Y?+1 IRRITAT$ ME1 & ,I C\LD NOT HELP LOOK+ UPON SU* CONDUCT AS WEAKNESS1 & TELL+ HIM SO4 

0,AH1 DE> ,KATIA10 HE REPLI$1 ONCE1 :5 ,I WAS EXPRESS+ MY ANNOYANCE1 0H[ CAN A MAN %[ ?AT ANY?+1 NO MATT] :AT1 IS DISPLEAS+ TO HIM1 :5 HE IS AS HAPPY AS ,I AM8 ,IT IS A GREAT DEAL EASI] TO YIELD1 ?AN TO MAKE !M YIELD1 ,I HAVE LONG BE5 CONV9C$ ( ?AT1--&1 MOREOV]1 ( ! FACT !RE IS NO SITUATION :]E ONE CANNOT BE HAPPY4 ,EV]Y?+ GOES SO WELL ) US6 ,I DO NOT EV5 KN[1 ANY LONG]1 H[ TO GET ANGRY2 = ME1 JU/ N[1 !RE IS NO?+ AT ALL ?AT IS BAD1 !RE >E ONLY ?+S ?AT >E EI!R DULL OR DROLL4 ,BUT1 ABOVE ALL1 'LET WELL 5\< ALONE4' ,Y\ MAY H>DLY BELIEVE ME1 BUT :5EV] ,I HE> A R+ AT ! DOOR-BELL1 :5EV] ,I RECEIVE A LETT]1 ACTUALLY :5EV] ,I WAKE 9 ! MORN+1 A FE> TAKES HOLD ( ME1 FE> ( ! OBLIGATIONS ( LIFE1 FE> ?AT SOME?+ MAY BE GO+ TO *ANGE2 = NO?+ C\LD BE BETT] ?AN ?IS PRES5T MOM5T60 

,I BELIEV$ HIM1 BUT ,I C\LD NOT UND]/& HIM4 ,I WAS HAPPY1 BUT IT SEEM$ TO ME ?AT ALL WAS AS IT \<T TO BE1 & C\LD NOT BE O!RWISE2 ?AT IT WAS ! SAME ) EV]Y ONE ELSE1 & ?AT SOME:]E !RE W]E O!R JOYS /ILL1 NOT GREAT] ONES1 BUT QUITE DIFF]5T4 

,?US TWO MON?S PASS$ BY1 BR++ US TO ! COLD1 /ORMY W9T]1 & AL?\< HE WAS ) ME1 ,I BEGAN TO FEEL SOME:AT ALONE2 ,I BEGAN TO FEEL ?AT LIFE WAS DO+ NO?+ BUT REPEAT+ ITSELF1 AS IT W]E2 ?AT IT (F]$ NO?+ NEW EI!R = ME OR = HIM2 ?AT1 ON ! CONTR>Y1 WE SEEM$ TO BE =EV] TREAD+ OV] & OV] AGA9 9 \R [N FOOT/EPS4 ,HE WAS MORE FREQU5TLY OCCUPI$ ) BUS9ESS MATT]S AWAY FROM ME1 ?AN HE HAD BE5 AT FIR/1 & ONCE MORE ,I HAD ! OLD FEEL+ ?AT F> D[N 9 HIS S\L LAY A WORLD1 HIDD5 & RES]V$1 TO :I* HE W\LD NOT ADMIT ME4 ,HIS UNALT]ABLE S]5ITY IRRITAT$ ME4 ,I LOV$ HIM NO LESS ?AN =M]LY1 WAS NO LESS HAPPY 9 HIS LOVE2 BUT MY LOVE REMA9$ /ATION>Y & DID NOT SEEM TO GR[ ANY MORE1 & BESIDES ?IS LOVE A NEW S5TIM5T1 FULL ( ANXIETY1 CAME CREEP+ 9TO MY HE>T4 ,CONT9U+ TO LOVE SEEM$ TO ME SO SMALL A ?+ AFT] ?AT GREAT TRANSPORT ( FIR/ LOV+ HIM2 ,I FELT AS IF MY S5TIM5TS \<T TO 9CLUDE AGITATION1 DANG]1 SACRIFICE ( MYSELF4 ,!RE W]E 9 ME EXUB]ANT =CES F9D+ NO EMPLOYM5T 9 \R TRANQUIL EXI/5CE1 FITS ( DEPRESSION :I* ,I S\<T TO CONCEAL FROM HIM AS SOME?+ WICK$1 FITS ( IMPETU\S T5D]NESS & GAIETY :I* ONLY AL>M$ HIM4 ,HE /ILL HAD HIS OLD HABIT ( WAT*+ ME & /UDY+ MY MOODS1 & ONE DAY HE CAME TO ME ) A PROPOSAL TO MOVE TO ! CITY = A TIME2 BUT ,I BEGG$ HIM NOT TO GO1 NOT TO ALT] ANY?+ :ATEV] 9 \R MODE ( LIFE1 NOT TO T\* \R HAPP9ESS4 ,&1 REALLY & TRULY1 ,I WAS HAPPY2 BUT ,I WAS TORM5T+ MYSELF BECAUSE ?IS HAPP9ESS BR\<T ME NO LABOR1 NO SACRIFICE1 :ILE1 ,I FELT ALL ! P[]S ( SACRIFICE & LABOR DY+ AWAY )9 ME4 ,I LOV$ HIM1 ,I KNEW ?AT ,I WAS 5TIRELY HIS2 BUT ,I WI%$ EV]Y ONE TO SEE \R LOVE1 WI%$ ?AT SOME ONE W\LD TRY TO PREV5T MY LOV+ HIM1--& !N TO LOVE HIM ALL ! SAME6 ,MY M9D1 & EV5 MY S5TIM5TS1 F\ND !IR FIELD ( ACTION1 BUT YET !RE WAS SOME?+--! S5SE ( Y\?1 ) ITS NE$ ( MOVEM5T--:I* HAD NO SUFFICI5T SATISFACTION 9 \R PLACID LIFE4 ,:Y DID HE TELL ME ?AT WE C\LD GO TO ! CITY :5EV] ! FANCY SEIZ$ ME TO DO SO8 ,IF HE HAD NOT SAID ?IS1 P]HAPS ,I MI<T HAVE UND]/OOD ?AT ! FEEL+ :I* OPPRESS$ ME WAS A P]NICI\S *IM]A1 A FAULT ( :I* ,I WAS GUILTY4444 ,BUT ! ?\<T KEPT COM+ 9TO MY HEAD ?AT SIMPLY BY GO+ TO ! CITY1 ,I C\LD ESCAPE FROM MY 5NUI2 BUT !N1 ON ! O!R H&1 ?IS W\LD BE )DRAW+ HIM FROM A LIFE ?AT HE LOV$2 ,I WAS A%AM$ TO DO ?IS1 BUT IT CO/ ME SOME?+ NOT TO DO IT4 

,TIME W5T ON1 ! SN[ PIL$ HI<] & HI<] AGA9/ ! WALLS ( ! H\SE1 & WE W]E ALWAYS ALONE1 /ILL ALONE1 ALWAYS ) EA* O!R1 :ILE AWAY YOND]1--,I KNEW NOT :]E1 BUT YOND] SOME:]E1--9 /IR & MOTION1 9 SPL5DOR & EXCITEM5T1 WAS ! CR[D1 FEEL+1 SUFF]+1 REJOIC+1 AMUS+ ITSELF1 )\T ONE ?\<T ( US & \R VANI%$ EXI/5CE4 ,WOR/ ( ALL TO ME WAS ! CONSCI\SNESS ?AT DAY BY DAY ! *A9 ( HABIT WAS B9D+ & PRESS+ \R LIFE CLOS] 9TO ITS N>R[ MOLD1 ?AT \R LOVE ITSELF W\LD 5T] 9TO BONDAGE & BECOME SUBJECT TO ! MONOTON\S & DISPASSIONATE LAW ( TIME4 ,TO BE *E]FUL 9 ! MORN+1 RESPECTFUL AT D9N]1 AFFECTIONATE 9 ! EV5+6 0,TO DO GOOD60 ,I SAID TO MYSELF1 IT IS ALL V]Y WELL & ADMIRABLE TO DO GOOD1 & TO LIVE A WOR?Y LIFE1 AS HE SAYS2 BUT WE HAVE YET TIME 5\< = ?AT2 !RE >E O!R ?+S = :I*1 TO-DAY1 ,I FEEL P[]S )9 ME4 ,?IS IS NOT :AT ,I WANT$2 :AT ,I WANT$ WAS COMBAT1 /RUGGLE2 WAS TO FEEL ?AT LOVE IS \R GUIDE 9 LIFE1 NOT ?AT LIFE GUIDES \R LOVE4 ,I C\LD HAVE WI%$ TO DRAW NE> TO ! ABYSS ) HIM1 TO SAY TO HIM3 0,ONE MORE /EP1 & ,I DA% MYSELF D[N1 ONE MORE MOVEM5T & ,I P]I%20 HE1 :ILE PAL+ ON ! BR9K ( ?IS ABYSS1 HE W\LD HAVE SEIZ$ ME ) HIS P[]FUL H&1 HELD ME !RE SUSP5D$ ABOVE ! GULF1 MY HE>T FA9T ) FE>1--& !N HE MI<T HAVE BORNE ME :I!RSOEV] HE W\LD6 

,?IS MOOD ( MY S\L BEGAN TO TELL UPON MY HEAL?1 MY N]VES BEGAN TO BE \T ( ORD]4 ,ONE MORN+ ,I FELT EV5 MORE UPSET ?AN USUAL1 & ,S]GIUS RETURN$ HOME 9 RA!R A BAD TEMP]1 :I* WAS AN EXTREMELY R>E OCCURR5CE ) HIM2 ,I NOTIC$ IT AT ONCE1 & ASK$ HIM :AT WAS ! MATT]1 BUT HE W\LD NOT TELL ME1 ONLY REM>K+ ?AT IT WAS NOT WOR? :ILE4 ,AS ,I AFT]W>DS LE>N$1 ! ISPRAVNIK1.<#g.> FROM ILL-WILL TO MY HUSB&1 HAD SUMMON$ SEV]AL PEASANTS1 MADE SOME ILLEGAL EXACTION ( !M1 & HAD EV5 UTT]$ M5ACES AGA9/ HIM4 ,MY HUSB& HAD NOT YET BE5 ABLE TO LOOK 9TO ! MATT] &1 MOREOV]1 AS IT WAS BUT A PIECE ( ABSURD IMP]T95CE HE HAD NOT C>$ TO TELL ME ( IT2 BUT ,I IMAG9$ ?AT HIS NOT TELL+ ME WAS BECAUSE HE CONSID]$ ME A *ILD1 & ?AT 9 HIS EYES ,I WAS 9CAPABLE ( UND]/&+ :AT 9T]E/$ HIM4 ,I TURN$ FROM HIM 9 SIL5CE1 )\T SAY+ A WORD2 HE W5T 9TO HIS /UDY1 GRAVELY1 & %UT HIS DOOR AFT] HIM4 ,:5 ,I C\LD NO LONG] HE> HIM1 ,I SAT D[N ON A DIVAN1 ALMO/ CRY+4 0,:Y10 SAID ,I TO MYSELF1 0DOES HE P]SI/ 9 HUMILIAT+ ME BY HIS SOLEMN CALMNESS1 BY BE+ ALWAYS 9 ! RI<T8 ,AM ,I NOT 9 ! RI<T ALSO1 :5 ,I AM WE>I$1 :5 EV]Y:]E ,I FEEL EMPT9ESS1 :5 ,I LONG TO LIVE1 TO MOVE1 NOT TO /AY =EV] 9 ONE PLACE & FEEL TIME WALK OV] ME8 ,I WI% TO GO ONW>D1 EA* DAY1 EA* H\R2 ,I WI% = SOME?+ NEW1 :ILE HE1--HE WANTS TO /& /ILL 9 ONE SPOT1 & KEEP ME /&+ !RE ) HIM6 ,& YET H[ EASY IT W\LD BE = HIM TO SATISFY ME6 ,HE NE$ NOT TAKE ME TO ! CITY1 IT W\LD ONLY BE NECESS>Y = HIM TO BE A LITTLE LIKE ME1 = HIM TO /OP TRY+ TO CON/RA9 & CRU% HIMSELF ) HIS [N H&S1 = HIM TO LIVE NATURALLY4 ,?AT IS :AT HE IS ALWAYS ADVIS+ ME1 & IT IS HE :O IS NOT NATURAL1 ?AT IS ALL40 

,I FELT MY TE>S GETT+ ! MA/]Y ( ME1 & MY IRRITATION AGA9/ HIM 9CREAS+4 ,I WAS AFRAID ( ?IS IRRITATION1 & ,I W5T TO F9D HIM4 ,HE WAS SITT+ 9 HIS /UDY1 WRIT+4 ,HE>+ MY /EPS1 HE TURN$ = AN 9/ANT1 LOOK$ AT ME ) A CALM & 9DIFF]5T AIR1 & CONT9U$ WRIT+2 ?IS LOOK DID NOT PLEASE ME1 & 9/EAD ( GO+ UP TO HIM1 ,I /OPP$ NE> ! TABLE :]E HE WAS WRIT+ &1 OP5+ A BOOK1 BEGAN TO RUN MY EYES OV] ! PAGE4 ,HE TURN$ !N1 A SECOND TIME1 & LOOK$ AT ME AGA93 

0,KATIA1 Y\ >E NOT AS BRI<T AS USUAL60 

,I ONLY RESPOND$ BY A COLD GLANCE1 MEANT TO CONVEY3 0,& :Y8 ,& :Y SO MU* AMIABILITY80 ,HE %OOK HIS HEAD AT ME1 & SMIL$ TIMIDLY & T5D]LY2 BUT1 = ! FIR/ TIME1 MY SMILE W\LD NOT ANSW] HIS4 

0,:AT WAS ! MATT] ) Y\ ?IS MORN+80 ,I ASK$1 0:Y W\LD Y\ TELL ME NO?+80 

0,IT WAS A TRIFLE6 A SLI<T WORRY10 HE REPLI$4 0,I CAN TELL Y\ ALL AB\T IT1 N[4 ,TWO PEASANTS HAD BE5 SUMMON$ TO ! CITY44440 

,BUT ,I W\LD NOT LET HIM F9I%4 

0,:Y DID Y\ NOT TELL ME :5 ,I ASK$ Y\80 

0,I MI<T HAVE SAID SOME?+ FOOLI%1 ,I WAS ANGRY !N40 

0,?AT WAS JU/ ! TIME TO TELL ME40 

0,& :Y SO80 

0,:AT Y\ ?9K1 !N1 IS ?AT ,I NEV] CAN HELP Y\ 9 ANY?+80 

0,:AT ,I ?9K80 SAID HE1 ?R[+ D[N HIS P54 0,I ?9K ?AT )\T Y\ ,I C\LD NOT LIVE4 ,9 ALL ?+S1 9 ALL1 NOT ONLY >E Y\ A HELP TO ME1 BUT IT IS BY Y\ ?AT EV]Y?+ IS DONE4 ,Y\ >E LIT]ALLY TO ME 'WELL-FALL51'0 HE W5T ON SMIL+4 0,IT IS 9 Y\ ALONE ?AT ,I LIVE2 IT SEEMS TO ME NO?+ IS GOOD BUT BECAUSE Y\ >E !RE1 BECAUSE Y\ MU/44440 

0,YES1 ,I KN[ IT1 ,I AM A NICE LITTLE *ILD :O HAS TO BE PETT$ & KEPT QUIET10 SAID ,I1 9 SU* A TONE ?AT HE LOOK$ AT ME 9 AMAZEM5T4 0,BUT ,I DO NOT WANT ?IS QUIET+2 ,I HAVE HAD 5\< ( IT60 

0,COME1 LET ME TELL Y\ AB\T ?IS MORN+'S TR\BLE10 HE SAID HA/ILY1 AS IF HE WAS AFRAID TO GIVE ME TIME TO SAY MORE3 0LET US SEE :AT Y\ ?9K ( IT60 

0,I DO NOT WI% TO HE> IT N[10 ,I REPLI$4 

,I REALLY DID WANT TO HE> IT1 BUT IT WAS MORE AGREEABLE TO ME1 AT ?IS MOM5T1 TO DI/URB HIS TRANQUILITY4 

0,I DO NOT WI% TO PLAY ) ! ?+S ( LIFE2 ,I WI% TO LIVE10 ,I ADD$2 0LIKE Y\40 

,HIS FACE1 :I* ALWAYS SO CLE>LY & SO READILY REFLECT$ EV]Y IMPRESSION1 WORE A LOOK ( SUFF]+ & 9T5SE ATT5TION4 

0,I WI% TO LIVE ) Y\ 9 P]FECT EQUALITY44440 

,BUT ,I C\LD NOT F9I%1 SU* PR(\ND PA9 WAS ON HIS FACE4 ,HE WAS SIL5T AN 9/ANT4 

0,& 9 :AT DO Y\ NOT LIVE ) ME ON A FOOT+ ( EQUALITY80 HE SAID3 0IT IS ,I1 NOT Y\1 ?AT IS CONC]N$ 9 ?IS AFFAIR ( ! ISPRAVNIK & SOME DRUNK5 PEASANTS40 

0,YES1 BUT IT IS NOT ONLY ?IS CASE10 SAID ,I4 

0,= ! LOVE ( ,GOD1 DO UND]/& ME1 MY D>L+10 HE CONT9U$2 0,I KN[ H[ PA9FUL A ?+ C>E IS = US ALL2 ,I HAVE LIV$1 & ,I KN[ IT4 ,I LOVE Y\1 !RE=E ,I W\LD SP>E Y\ EV]Y C>E4 ,MY LIFE IS C5T]$ 9 MY LOVE = Y\2 SO DO NOT PREV5T MY LIV+60 

0,Y\ >E ALWAYS RI<T10 SAID ,I1 )\T LOOK+ AT HIM4 

,I C\LD NOT BE> TO SEE HIM ONCE MORE S]5E & TRANQUIL1 :ILE ,I WAS SO FULL ( ANG] & A FEEL+ SOME:AT RESEMBL+ REP5TANCE4 

0,KATIA6 ,:AT IS ! MATT] ) Y\80 SAID HE4 0,! QUE/ION IS NOT 9 ! LEA/ :I* ( US TWO IS 9 ! RI<T1 :AT WE W]E TALK+ AB\T IS SOME?+ 5TIRELY DIFF]5T6 ,:AT HAVE Y\ AGA9/ ME8 ,DO NOT TELL ME AT ONCE2 REFLECT1 & !N TELL ME ALL ?AT IS 9 Y\R ?\<TS4 ,Y\ >E DISPLEAS$ ) ME1 Y\ HAVE1 NO D\BT1 A REASON1 BUT EXPLA9 TO ME 9 :AT ,I AM TO BLAME40 

,BUT H[ C\LD ,I TELL HIM ALL ?AT ,I HAD 9 ! BOTTOM ( MY HE>T8 ,! ?\<T ?AT HE HAD SE5 ?R\< ME AT ONCE1 ?AT AGA9 ,I F\ND MYSELF AS A *ILD BE=E HIM1 ?AT ,I C\LD DO NO?+ ?AT HE DID NOT COMPREH5D & =ESEE1 EXCIT$ ME MORE ?AN EV]4 

0,I HAVE NO?+ AGA9/ Y\10 SAID ,I1 0BUT ,I AM TIR$1 & ,I DO NOT LIKE 5NUI4 ,Y\ SAY ?AT ?IS MU/ BE SO1 &1 ( C\RSE1 ONCE MORE Y\ >E RI<T60 

,AS ,I SPOKE1 ,I LOOK$ 9 HIS FACE4 ,MY OBJECT WAS ATTA9$2 HIS S]5ITY HAD DISAPPE>$2 AL>M & PA9 W]E /AMP$ UPON HIS FACE4 

0,KATIA60 HE BEGAN1 9 A L[1 AGITAT$ VOICE1 0?IS IS NO JE/+ WE >E 5GAG$ 91 AT ?IS MOM5T4 ,\R FATE IS BE+ DECID$4 ,I ASK Y\ TO SAY NO?+1 ONLY TO HE> ME4 ,:Y >E Y\ TORTUR+ ME ?US80 

,BUT ,I BROKE 94 

0,SAY NO MORE1 Y\ >E RI<T10 SAID ,I1 COLDLY1 AS IF IT W]E NOT ,I1 BUT SOME EVIL SPIRIT SPEAK+ ) MY LIPS4 

0,IF Y\ KNEW :AT Y\ >E DO+60 HE EXCLAIM$ 9 A TREMBL+ VOICE4 

,I BEGAN TO CRY1 & ,I FELT MY HE>T SOME:AT RELIEV$4 ,HE WAS SITT+ NE> ME1 SIL5T4 ,I WAS SORRY = HIM1 A%AM$ ( MYSELF1 TR\BL$ BY :AT ,I HAD DONE4 ,I DID NOT LOOK AT HIM4 ,I FELT SURE ?AT HE WAS LOOK+ AT ME1 & ?AT HIS EYES W]E P]PLEX$ OR SEV]E4 ,I TURN$2 HIS EYES W]E 9DE$ FIX$ UPON ME1 BUT !Y W]E K9D & G5TLE & SEEM$ 5TREAT+ =GIV5ESS4 ,I TOOK HIS H&1 & SAID3 

0,P>DON ME6 ,I DO NOT KN[1 MYSELF1 :AT ,I SAID40 

0,YES1 BUT ,I KN[ :AT Y\ SAID1 & ,I KN[ ?AT Y\ SPOKE ! TRU?40 

0,:AT TRU?80 ,I ASK$4 

0,?AT WE MU/ GO TO ,/4 ,PET]SBURG4 ,?IS IS NO LONG] ! PLACE = US40 

0,AS Y\ WI%40 

,HE TOOK ME 9 HIS >MS & KISS$ ME4 

0,Y\ =GIVE ME80 HE SAID1 0,I HAVE BE5 TO BLAME CONC]N+ Y\44440 

,9 ! EV5+ ,I WAS AT ! PIANO A LONG TIME PLAY+ = HIM1 :ILE HE WALK$ UP & D[N ! ROOM1 REPEAT+ SOME?+ 9 A L[ TONE TO HIMSELF4 ,?IS WAS A HABIT ) HIM1 & ,I (T5 ASK$ HIM :AT HE WAS MURMUR+ ?US1 & HE1 /ILL ?\<TFUL1 W\LD REPEAT IT AGA9 TO ME2 G5]ALLY IT WAS POETRY1 SOMETIMES SOME REALLY ABSURD ?+1 BUT EV5 ! V]Y ABSURDITY W\LD %[ ME :AT FRAME ( M9D HE WAS 94 

0,:AT >E Y\ MURMUR+ !RE1 N[80 ,I ASK$ AFT] A TIME4 

,HE /OOD /ILL1 ?\<T A LITTLE1 !N1 SMIL+1 REPEAT$ ! TWO L9ES FROM ,L]MONT(F3 

0,& HE1 ! MADMAN1 9VOK$ ! TEMPE/1 

,AS IF1 9 ! TEMPE/1 PEACE MI<T REIGN60 

0,YES1 HE IS MORE ?AN A MAN2 HE SEES EV]Y?+60 ?\<T ,I2 0H[ CAN ,I HELP LOV+ HIM60 

,I LEFT ! PIANO1 TOOK HOLD ( HIS H&1 & BEGAN TO WALK UP & D[N ) HIM1 MEASUR+ MY /EPS BY HIS4 

0,WELL60 HE SAID1 LOOK+ D[N AT ME ) A SMILE4 

0,WELL60 ,I E*O$2 & \R TWO HE>TS SEEM$ TO SPR+ TO EA* O!R ONCE MORE4 

,AT ! 5D ( A =TNI<T1 BE=E ! FETES1 WE W]E 9 ,/4 ,PET]SBURG4 

,FROM 3 ,!,AN>*I/,LIBR>Y4ORG4 

,*RONOLOGY 3 
,NOVEMB] #c1 #aheh 3 ,*APT] #f -- ,PUBLICATION4 
,JANU>Y #a#b1 #bba 3 ,*APT] #f -- ,ADD$4 

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