,A ,CONFESSION 

#ahhb 

,PEOPLE 3 

,AU?OR 3 ,LEO ,TOL/OY 

,TAGS 3 REPLY TO ! QUE/ION ( LIFE1 UND]/& ! MEAN+ ( LIFE1 MEAN+ ( MY LIFE1 MEAN+ ( LIFE1 QUE/ION ( LIFE1 UND]/& ! MEAN+1 LIFE IS S5SELESS1 QUE/IONS ( LIFE1 LIFE ( MANK9D1 VEXATION ( SPIRIT4 

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,SECTIONS 7,CONT5T7 3 

O ,P>T #a 

,I WAS BAPTIZ$ & BR\<T UP 9 ! ,OR?ODOX ,*RI/IAN FAI?4  
,I WAS TAU<T IT 9 *ILDHOOD & ?R\<\T MY BOYHOOD & Y\?4  
,BUT :5 ,I AB&ON$ ! SECOND C\RSE ( ! UNIV]SITY AT ! AGE 
( EI<TE5 ,I NO LONG] BELIEV$ ANY ( ! ?+S ,I HAD BE5 
TAU<T4 

,JUDG+ BY C]TA9 MEMORIES1 ,I NEV] S]I\SLY BELIEV$ !M1 
BUT HAD M]ELY RELI$ ON :AT ,I WAS TAU<T & ON :AT WAS 
PR(ESS$ BY ! GR[N-UP PEOPLE >\ND ME1 & ?AT RELIANCE WAS 
V]Y UN/ABLE4 

,I REMEMB] ?AT BE=E ,I WAS ELEV5 A GRAMM> S*OOL PUPIL1 
,VLADIMIR ,MILYUT9 7LONG S9CE DEAD71 VISIT$ US ONE ,SUNDAY & 
ANN\NC$ AS ! LATE/ NOVELTY A DISCOV]Y MADE AT HIS S*OOL4  
,?IS DISCOV]Y WAS ?AT !RE IS NO ,GOD & ?AT ALL WE >E TAU<T 
AB\T ,HIM IS A M]E 9V5TION 7?IS WAS 9 #a#h#c#h74 ,I REMEMB] H[ 
9T]E/$ MY ELD] BRO!RS W]E 9 ?IS 9=MATION4 ,!Y CALL$ 
ME TO !IR C\NCIL & WE ALL1 ,I REMEMB]1 BECAME V]Y ANIMAT$1 
& ACCEPT$ IT AS SOME?+ V]Y 9T]E/+ & QUITE POSSIBLE4 

,I REMEMB] ALSO ?AT :5 MY ELD] BRO!R1 ,DMITRIY1 :O WAS 
!N AT ! UNIV]SITY1 SUDD5LY1 9 ! PASSIONATE WAY NATURAL TO 
HIM1 DEVOT$ HIMSELF TO RELIGION & BEGAN TO ATT5D ALL ! ,*UR* 
S]VICES1 TO FA/ & TO LEAD A PURE & MORAL LIFE1 WE ALL - EV5 
\R ELD]S - UNCEAS+LY HELD HIM UP TO RIDICULE & = SOME 
UNKN[N REASON CALL$ HIM 0,NOAH04 ,I REMEMB] ?AT ,MUS9-,PU%K91 
! !N ,CURATOR ( ,KAZAN ,UNIV]SITY1 :5 9VIT+ US TO DANCE AT 
HIS HOME1 IRONICALLY P]SUAD$ MY BRO!R 7:O WAS DECL9+ ! 
9VITATION7 BY ! >GUM5T ?AT EV5 ,DAVID DANC$ BE=E ! ,>K4  
,I SYMPA?IZ$ ) !SE JOKES MADE BY MY ELD]S1 & DREW FROM 
!M ! CONCLUSION ?AT ?\< IT IS NECESS>Y TO LE>N ! 
CATE*ISM & GO TO *UR*1 ONE MU/ NOT TAKE SU* ?+S TOO 
S]I\SLY4 ,I REMEMB] ALSO ?AT ,I READ ,VOLTAIRE :5 ,I WAS V]Y 
Y\NG1 & ?AT HIS RAILL]Y1 F> FROM %OCK+ ME1 AMUS$ ME V]Y 
MU*4 

,MY LAPSE FROM FAI? OCCURR$ AS IS USUAL AMONG PEOPLE ON \R 
LEVEL ( $UCATION4 ,9 MO/ CASES1 ,I ?9K1 IT HAPP5S ?US3 A 
MAN LIVES LIKE EV]YBODY ELSE1 ON ! BASIS ( PR9CIPLES NOT 
M]ELY HAV+ NO?+ 9 COMMON ) RELIGI\S DOCTR9E1 BUT 
G5]ALLY OPPOS$ TO IT2 RELIGI\S DOCTR9E DOES NOT PLAY A P>T 9 
LIFE1 9 9T]C\RSE ) O!RS IT IS NEV] 5C\NT]$1 & 9 A 
MAN'S [N LIFE HE NEV] HAS TO RECKON ) IT4 ,RELIGI\S DOCTR9E 
IS PR(ESS$ F> AWAY FROM LIFE & 9DEP5D5TLY ( IT4 ,IF IT IS 
5C\NT]$1 IT IS ONLY AS AN EXT]NAL PH5OM5ON DISCONNECT$ FROM 
LIFE4 

,!N AS N[1 IT WAS & IS QUITE IMPOSSIBLE TO JUDGE BY A 
MAN'S LIFE & CONDUCT :E!R HE IS A BELIEV] OR NOT4 ,IF !RE 
BE A DIFF]5CE BETWE5 A MAN :O PUBLICLY PR(ESSES OR?ODOXY & 
ONE :O D5IES IT1 ! DIFF]5CE IS NOT 9 FAVOR ( ! =M]4  
,!N AS N[1 ! PUBLIC PR(ESSION & CONFESSION ( OR?ODOXY WAS 
*IEFLY MET ) AMONG PEOPLE :O W]E DULL & CRUEL & :O 
CONSID]$ !MSELVES V]Y IMPORTANT4 ,ABILITY1 HONE/Y1 
RELIABILITY1 GOOD-NATURE & MORAL CONDUCT1 W]E (T5 MET ) 
AMONG UNBELIEV]S4 

,! S*OOLS TEA* ! CATE*ISM & S5D ! PUPILS TO *UR*1 
& GOV]NM5T (FICIALS MU/ PRODUCE C]TIFICATES ( HAV+ 
RECEIV$ COMMUNION4 ,BUT A MAN ( \R CIRCLE :O HAS F9I%$ HIS 
$UCATION & IS NOT 9 ! GOV]NM5T S]VICE MAY EV5 N[ 7& 
=M]LY IT WAS /ILL EASI] = HIM TO DO SO7 LIVE = T5 OR 
TW5TY YE>S )\T ONCE REMEMB]+ ?AT HE IS LIV+ AMONG 
,*RI/IANS & IS HIMSELF RECKON$ A MEMB] ( ! OR?ODOX 
,*RI/IAN ,*UR*4 

,SO ?AT1 N[ AS =M]LY1 RELIGI\S DOCTR9E1 ACCEPT$ ON 
TRU/ & SUPPORT$ BY EXT]NAL PRESSURE1 ?AWS AWAY GRADUALLY 
UND] ! 9FLU5CE ( KN[L$GE & EXP]I5CE ( LIFE :I* 
CONFLICT ) IT1 & A MAN V]Y (T5 LIVES ON1 IMAG9+ ?AT HE 
/ILL HOLDS 9TACT ! RELIGI\S DOCTR9E IMP>T$ TO HIM 9 
*ILDHOOD :]EAS 9 FACT NOT A TRACE ( IT REMA9S4 

,S41 A CLEV] & TRU?FUL MAN1 ONCE TOLD ME ! /ORY ( H[ 
HE CEAS$ TO BELIEVE4 ,ON A HUNT+ EXP$ITION1 :5 HE WAS ALREADY 
TW5TY-SIX1 HE ONCE1 AT ! PLACE :]E !Y PUT UP = ! NI<T1 
KNELT D[N 9 ! EV5+ TO PRAY - A HABIT RETA9$ FROM 
*ILDHOOD4 ,HIS ELD] BRO!R1 :O WAS AT ! HUNT ) HIM1 WAS 
LY+ ON SOME HAY & WAT*+ HIM4 ,:5 ,S4 HAD F9I%$ & WAS 
SETTL+ D[N = ! NI<T1 HIS BRO!R SAID TO HIM3 0,SO Y\ 
/ILL DO ?AT80 

,!Y SAID NO?+ MORE TO ONE ANO!R4 ,BUT FROM ?AT DAY ,S4 
CEAS$ TO SAY HIS PRAY]S OR GO TO *UR*4 ,& N[ HE HAS NOT 
PRAY$1 RECEIV$ COMMUNION1 OR GONE TO *UR*1 = ?IRTY YE>S4  
,& ?IS NOT BECAUSE HE KN[S HIS BRO!R'S CONVICTIONS & HAS 
JO9$ HIM 9 !M1 NOR BECAUSE HE HAS DECID$ ANY?+ 9 HIS [N 
S\L1 BUT SIMPLY BECAUSE ! WORD SPOK5 BY HIS BRO!R WAS LIKE 
! PU% ( A F+] ON A WALL ?AT WAS READY TO FALL BY ITS [N 
WEI<T4 ,! WORD ONLY %[$ ?AT :]E HE ?\<T !RE WAS 
FAI?1 9 REALITY !RE HAD LONG BE5 AN EMPTY SPACE1 & ?AT 
!RE=E ! UTT]ANCE ( WORDS & ! MAK+ ( SIGNS ( ! 
CROSS & G5UFLECTIONS :ILE PRAY+ W]E QUITE S5SELESS ACTIONS4 
,BECOM+ CONSCI\S ( !IR S5SELESSNESS HE C\LD NOT CONT9UE 
!M4 

,SO IT HAS BE5 & IS1 ,I ?9K1 ) ! GREAT MAJORITY ( 
PEOPLE4 ,I AM SPEAK+ ( PEOPLE ( \R $UCATIONAL LEVEL :O >E 
S9C]E ) !MSELVES1 & NOT ( ?OSE :O MAKE ! PR(ESSION 
( FAI? A MEANS ( ATTA9+ WORLDLY AIMS4 7,SU* PEOPLE >E ! 
MO/ FUNDAM5TAL 9FIDELS1 = IF FAI? IS = !M A MEANS ( 
ATTA9+ ANY WORLDLY AIMS1 !N C]TA9LY IT IS NOT FAI?47 !SE 
PEOPLE ( \R $UCATION >E SO PLAC$ ?AT ! LI<T ( KN[L$GE 
& LIFE HAS CAUS$ AN >TIFICIAL ]ECTION TO MELT AWAY1 & !Y 
HAVE EI!R ALREADY NOTIC$ ?IS & SWEPT ITS PLACE CLE>1 OR !Y 
HAVE NOT YET NOTIC$ IT4 

,! RELIGI\S DOCTR9E TAU<T ME FROM *ILDHOOD DISAPPE>$ 9 
ME AS 9 O!RS1 BUT ) ?IS DIFF]5CE1 ?AT AS FROM ! AGE ( 
FIFTE5 ,I BEGAN TO READ PHILOSOPHICAL WORKS1 MY REJECTION ( ! 
DOCTR9E BECAME A CONSCI\S ONE AT A V]Y E>LY AGE4 ,FROM ! TIME 
,I WAS SIXTE5 ,I CEAS$ TO SAY MY PRAY]S & CEAS$ TO GO TO *UR* 
OR TO FA/ ( MY [N VOLITION4 ,I DID NOT BELIEVE :AT HAD BE5 
TAU<T ME 9 *ILDHOOD BUT ,I BELIEV$ 9 SOME?+4 ,:AT IT WAS ,I 
BELIEV$ 9 ,I C\LD NOT AT ALL HAVE SAID4 ,I BELIEV$ 9 A ,GOD1 OR 
RA!R ,I DID NOT D5Y ,GOD - BUT ,I C\LD NOT HAVE SAID :AT SORT ( 
,GOD4 ,NEI!R DID ,I D5Y ,*RI/ & HIS TEA*+1 BUT :AT HIS 
TEA*+ CONSI/$ 9 ,I AGA9 C\LD NOT HAVE SAID4 

,LOOK+ BACK ON ?AT TIME1 ,I N[ SEE CLE>LY ?AT MY FAI? - 
MY ONLY REAL FAI? - ?AT :I* AP>T FROM MY ANIMAL 9/9CTS 
GAVE IMPULSE TO MY LIFE - WAS A BELIEF 9 P]FECT+ MYSELF4 ,BUT 
9 :AT ?IS P]FECT+ CONSI/$ & :AT ITS OBJECT WAS1 ,I C\LD 
NOT HAVE SAID4 ,I TRI$ TO P]FECT MYSELF M5TALLY - ,I /UDI$ 
EV]Y?+ ,I C\LD1 ANY?+ LIFE ?REW 9 MY WAY2 ,I TRI$ TO 
P]FECT MY WILL1 ,I DREW UP RULES ,I TRI$ TO FOLL[2 ,I P]FECT$ 
MYSELF PHYSICALLY1 CULTIVAT+ MY /R5G? & AGILITY BY ALL SORTS 
( EX]CISES1 & ACCU/OM+ MYSELF TO 5DURANCE & PATI5CE BY 
ALL K9DS ( PRIVATIONS4 ,& ALL ?IS ,I CONSID]$ TO BE ! 
PURSUIT ( P]FECTION4 ! BEG9N+ ( IT ALL WAS ( C\RSE MORAL 
P]FECTION1 BUT ?AT WAS SOON REPLAC$ BY P]FECTION 9 G5]AL3  
BY ! DESIRE TO BE BETT] NOT 9 MY [N EYES OR ?OSE ( ,GOD BUT 
9 ! EYES ( O!R PEOPLE4 ,& V]Y SOON ?IS EF=T AGA9 
*ANG$ 9TO A DESIRE TO BE /RONG] ?AN O!RS3 TO BE MORE 
FAM\S1 MORE IMPORTANT & RI*] ?AN O!RS4 

7,S\RCE3 ,A ,CONFESSION1 BY ,LEV ,NIKOLAYEVI* ,TOL/OY1 ,DI/RIBUT$ BY ! ,TOL/OY ,LIBR>Y ,ONL9E1 ,FIR/ DI/RIBUT$ 9 ,RUSSIA 9 #a#h#h#b1 FIR/ PUBLI%$ 9 #a#h#h#d47 

O ,P>T #b 

,SOME DAY ,I WILL N>RATE ! T\*+ & 9/RUCTIVE HI/ORY 
( MY LIFE DUR+ ?OSE T5 YE>S ( MY Y\?4 ,I ?9K V]Y MANY 
PEOPLE HAVE HAD A LIKE EXP]I5CE4 ,) ALL MY S\L ,I WI%$ TO BE 
GOOD1 BUT ,I WAS Y\NG1 PASSIONATE & ALONE1 COMPLETELY ALONE :5 
,I S\<T GOODNESS4 ,EV]Y TIME ,I TRI$ TO EXPRESS MY MO/ S9C]E 
DESIRE1 :I* WAS TO BE MORALLY GOOD1 ,I MET ) CONTEMPT & 
RIDICULE1 BUT AS SOON AS ,I YIELD$ TO L[ PASSIONS ,I WAS PRAIS$ 
& 5C\RAG$4 

,AMBITION1 LOVE ( P[]1 COVET\SNESS1 LASCIVI\SNESS1 PRIDE1 
ANG]1 & REV5GE - W]E ALL RESPECT$4 

,YIELD+ TO ?OSE PASSIONS ,I BECAME LIKE ! GR[N-UP FOLK & 
FELT ?AT !Y APPROV$ ( ME4 ,! K9D AUNT ) :OM ,I LIV$1 
H]SELF ! PURE/ ( BE+S1 ALWAYS TOLD ME ?AT !RE WAS NO?+ 
%E SO DESIR$ = ME AS ?AT ,I %\LD HAVE RELATIONS ) A 
M>RI$ WOMAN3 ',RI5 NE =ME UN JU5E HOMME1 COMME UNE LIAISON 
AVEC UNE FEMME COMME IL FAUT'4 .<,FOOTNOTE3 ,NO?+ SO =MS A 
Y\NG MAN AS AN 9TIMACY ) A WOMAN ( GOOD BRE$+4.> ,ANO!R 
HAPP9ESS %E DESIR$ = ME WAS ?AT ,I %\LD BECOME AN AIDE-DE- 
CAMP1 & IF POSSIBLE AIDE-DE-CAMP TO ! ,EMP]OR4 ,BUT ! 
GREATE/ HAPP9ESS ( ALL W\LD BE ?AT ,I %\LD M>RY A V]Y RI* 
GIRL & SO BECOME POSSESS$ ( AS MANY S]FS AS POSSIBLE4 

,I CANNOT ?9K ( ?OSE YE>S )\T HORROR1 LOA?+ & 
HE>TA*E4 ,I KILL$ M5 9 W> & *ALL5G$ M5 TO DUELS 9 
ORD] TO KILL !M4 ,I LO/ AT C>DS1 CONSUM$ ! LABOR ( ! 
PEASANTS1 S5T5C$ !M TO PUNI%M5TS1 LIV$ LOOSELY1 & 
DECEIV$ PEOPLE4 ,LY+1 ROBB]Y1 ADULT]Y ( ALL K9DS1 
DRUNK5NESS1 VIOL5CE1 MURD] - !RE WAS NO CRIME ,I DID NOT 
COMMIT1 & 9 SPITE ( ?AT PEOPLE PRAIS$ MY CONDUCT & MY 
CONTEMPOR>IES CONSID]$ & CONSID] ME TO BE A COMP>ATIVELY 
MORAL MAN4 

,SO ,I LIV$ = T5 YE>S4 

,DUR+ ?AT TIME ,I BEGAN TO WRITE FROM VANITY1 COVET\SNESS1 
& PRIDE4 ,9 MY WRIT+S ,I DID ! SAME AS 9 MY LIFE4 TO GET 
FAME & MONEY1 = ! SAKE ( :I* ,I WROTE1 IT WAS NECESS>Y TO 
HIDE ! GOOD & TO DISPLAY ! EVIL4 & ,I DID SO4 ,H[ (T5 9 
MY WRIT+S ,I CONTRIV$ TO HIDE UND] ! GUISE ( 9DIFF]5CE1 OR 
EV5 ( BANT]1 ?OSE /RIV+S ( M9E T[>DS GOODNESS :I* GAVE 
MEAN+ TO MY LIFE6 ,& ,I SUCCE$$ 9 ?IS & WAS PRAIS$4 

,AT TW5TY-SIX YE>S ( AGE .<,FOOTNOTE3 ,HE WAS 9 FACT #bg AT ! 
TIME4.> ,I RETURN$ TO ,PET]SBURG AFT] ! W>1 & MET ! WRIT]S4  
,!Y RECEIV$ ME AS ONE ( !MSELVES & FLATT]$ ME4 ,& BE=E 
,I HAD TIME TO LOOK R\ND ,I HAD ADOPT$ ! VIEWS ON LIFE ( ! SET 
( AU?ORS ,I HAD COME AMONG1 & !SE VIEWS COMPLETELY OBLIT]AT$ 
ALL MY =M] /RIV+S TO IMPROVE - !Y FURNI%$ A !ORY :I* 
JU/IFI$ ! DISSOLUT5ESS ( MY LIFE4 

,! VIEW ( LIFE ( !SE PEOPLE1 MY COMRADES 9 AU?OR%IP1 
CONSI/$ 9 ?IS3 ?AT LIFE 9 G5]AL GOES ON DEVELOP+1 & 9 
?IS DEVELOPM5T WE - M5 ( ?\<T - HAVE ! *IEF P>T2 & 
AMONG M5 ( ?\<T IT IS WE - >TI/S & POETS - :O HAVE ! 
GREATE/ 9FLU5CE4 ,\R VOCATION IS TO TEA* MANK9D4 ,& LE/ 
! SIMPLE QUE/ION %\LD SUGGE/ ITSELF3 ,:AT DO ,I KN[1 & :AT 
CAN ,I TEA*8 IT WAS EXPLA9$ 9 ?IS !ORY ?AT ?IS NE$ NOT BE 
KN[N1 & ?AT ! >TI/ & POET TEA* UNCONSCI\SLY4 ,I WAS 
CONSID]$ AN ADMIRABLE >TI/ & POET1 & !RE=E IT WAS V]Y 
NATURAL = ME TO ADOPT ?IS !ORY4 ,I1 >TI/ & POET1 WROTE & 
TAU<T )\T MYSELF KN[+ :AT4 ,= ?IS ,I WAS PAID MONEY2 ,I 
HAD EXCELL5T FOOD1 LODG+1 WOM51 & SOCIETY2 & ,I HAD FAME1 
:I* %[$ ?AT :AT ,I TAU<T WAS V]Y GOOD4 

,?IS FAI? 9 ! MEAN+ ( POETRY & 9 ! DEVELOPM5T ( 
LIFE WAS A RELIGION1 & ,I WAS ONE ( ITS PRIE/S4 ,TO BE ITS 
PRIE/ WAS V]Y PLEASANT & PR(ITABLE4 ,& ,I LIV$ A 
CONSID]ABLE TIME 9 ?IS FAI? )\T D\BT+ ITS VALIDITY4 ,BUT 
9 ! SECOND & /ILL MORE 9 ! ?IRD YE> ( ?IS LIFE ,I BEGAN 
TO D\BT ! 9FALLIBILITY ( ?IS RELIGION & TO EXAM9E IT4 ,MY 
FIR/ CAUSE ( D\BT WAS ?AT ,I BEGAN TO NOTICE ?AT ! PRIE/S ( 
?IS RELIGION W]E NOT ALL 9 ACCORD AMONG !MSELVES4 ,SOME SAID3 
,WE >E ! BE/ & MO/ USEFUL TEA*]S2 WE TEA* :AT IS NE$$1 
BUT ! O!RS TEA* WRONGLY4 ,O!RS SAID3 ,NO6 WE >E ! REAL 
TEA*]S1 & Y\ TEA* WRONGLY4 & !Y DISPUT$1 QU>REL$1 
ABUS$1 *EAT$1 & TRICK$ ONE ANO!R4 ,!RE W]E ALSO MANY 
AMONG US :O DID NOT C>E :O WAS RI<T & :O WAS WRONG1 BUT W]E 
SIMPLY B5T ON ATTA9+ !IR COVET\S AIMS BY MEANS ( ?IS 
ACTIVITY ( \RS4 ,ALL ?IS OBLIG$ ME TO D\BT ! VALIDITY ( \R 
CRE$4 

,MOREOV]1 HAV+ BEGUN TO D\BT ! TRU? ( ! AU?ORS' 
CRE$ ITSELF1 ,I ALSO BEGAN TO OBS]VE ITS PRIE/S MORE ATT5TIVELY1 
& ,I BECAME CONV9C$ ?AT ALMO/ ALL ! PRIE/S ( ?AT 
RELIGION1 ! WRIT]S1 W]E IMMORAL1 & = ! MO/ P>T M5 ( 
BAD1 WOR?LESS *>ACT]1 MU* 9F]IOR TO ?OSE :OM ,I HAD MET 9 
MY =M] DISSIPAT$ & MILIT>Y LIFE2 BUT !Y W]E SELF- 
CONFID5T & SELF-SATISFI$ AS ONLY ?OSE CAN BE :O >E QUITE 
HOLY OR :O DO NOT KN[ :AT HOL9ESS IS4 ,!SE PEOPLE REVOLT$ 
ME1 ,I BECAME REVOLT+ TO MYSELF1 & ,I REALIZ$ ?AT ?AT FAI? 
WAS A FRAUD4 

,BUT /RANGE TO SAY1 ?\< ,I UND]/OOD ?IS FRAUD & 
R5\NC$ IT1 YET ,I DID NOT R5\NCE ! RANK !SE PEOPLE GAVE ME3 
! RANK ( >TI/1 POET1 & TEA*]4 ,I NAIVELY IMAG9$ ?AT ,I 
WAS A POET & >TI/ & C\LD TEA* EV]YBODY )\T MYSELF 
KN[+ :AT ,I WAS TEA*+1 & ,I ACT$ ACCORD+LY4 

,FROM MY 9TIMACY ) !SE M5 ,I ACQUIR$ A NEW VISE3 
ABNORMALLY DEVELOP$ PRIDE & AN 9SANE ASSURANCE ?AT IT WAS MY 
VOCATION TO TEA* M51 )\T KN[+ :AT4 

,TO REMEMB] ?AT TIME1 & MY [N /ATE ( M9D & ?AT ( 
?OSE M5 7?\< !RE >E ?\S&S LIKE !M TODAY71 IS SAD & 
T]RIBLE & LUDICR\S1 & >\SES EXACTLY ! FEEL+ ONE 
EXP]I5CES 9 A LUNATIC ASYLUM4 

,WE W]E ALL !N CONV9C$ ?AT IT WAS NECESS>Y = US TO 
SPEAK1 WRITE1 & PR9T AS QUICKLY AS POSSIBLE & AS MU* AS 
POSSIBLE1 & ?AT IT WAS ALL WANT$ = ! GOOD ( HUMANITY4 ,& 
?\S&S ( US1 CONTRADICT+ & ABUS+ ONE ANO!R1 ALL PR9T$ 
& WROTE - TEA*+ O!RS4 ,& )\T NOTIC+ ?AT WE KNEW 
NO?+1 & ?AT TO ! SIMPLE/ ( LIFE'S QUE/IONS3 ,:AT IS GOOD 
& :AT IS EVIL8 WE DID NOT KN[ H[ TO REPLY1 WE ALL TALK$ AT 
! SAME TIME1 NOT LI/5+ TO ONE ANO!R1 SOMETIMES SECOND+ 
& PRAIS+ ONE ANO!R 9 ORD] TO BE SECOND$ & PRAIS$ 9 
TURN1 SOMETIMES GETT+ ANGRY ) ONE ANO!R - JU/ AS 9 A 
LUNATIC ASYLUM4 

,?\S&S ( WORKM5 LABOR$ TO ! EXTREME LIMIT ( !IR 
/R5G? DAY & NI<T1 SETT+ ! TYPE & PR9T+ MILLIONS ( 
WORDS :I* ! PO/ C>RI$ ALL OV] ,RUSSIA1 & WE /ILL W5T ON 
TEA*+ & C\LD 9 NO WAY F9D TIME TO TEA* 5\<1 & W]E 
ALWAYS ANGRY ?AT SUFFICI5T ATT5TION WAS NOT PAID US4 

,IT WAS T]RIBLY /RANGE1 BUT IS N[ QUITE COMPREH5SIBLE4 ,\R 
REAL 9N]MO/ CONC]N WAS TO GET AS MU* MONEY & PRAISE AS 
POSSIBLE4 ,TO GA9 ?AT 5D WE C\LD DO NO?+ EXCEPT WRITE BOOKS 
& PAP]S4 ,SO WE DID ?AT4 ,BUT 9 ORD] TO DO SU* USELESS WORK 
& TO FEEL ASSUR$ ?AT WE W]E V]Y IMPORTANT PEOPLE WE REQUIR$ 
A !ORY JU/IFY+ \R ACTIVITY4 ,& SO AMONG US ?IS !ORY WAS 
DEVIS$3 0,ALL ?AT EXI/S IS REASONABLE4 ,ALL ?AT EXI/S 
DEVELOPS4 ,& IT ALL DEVELOPS BY MEANS ( ,CULTURE4 ,& ,CULTURE IS 
MEASUR$ BY ! CIRCULATION ( BOOKS & NEWSPAP]S4 ,& WE >E 
PAID MONEY & >E RESPECT$ BECAUSE WE WRITE BOOKS & NEWSPAP]S1 
& !RE=E WE >E ! MO/ USEFUL & ! BE/ ( M540 ,?IS 
!ORY W\LD HAVE BE5 ALL V]Y WELL IF WE HAD BE5 UNANIM\S1 BUT 
AS EV]Y ?\<T EXPRESS$ BY ONE ( US WAS ALWAYS MET BY A 
DIAMETRICALLY OPPOSITE ?\<T EXPRESS$ BY ANO!R1 WE \<T TO 
HAVE BE5 DRIV5 TO REFLECTION4 ,BUT WE IGNOR$ ?IS2 PEOPLE PAID 
US MONEY & ?OSE ON \R SIDE PRAIS$ US1 SO EA* ( US CONSID]$ 
HIMSELF JU/IFI$4 

,IT IS N[ CLE> TO ME ?AT ?IS WAS JU/ AS 9 A LUNATIC 
ASYLUM2 BUT !N ,I ONLY DIMLY SUSPECT$ ?IS1 & LIKE ALL 
LUNATICS1 SIMPLY CALL$ ALL M5 LUNATICS EXCEPT MYSELF4 

7,S\RCE3 ,A ,CONFESSION1 BY ,LEV ,NIKOLAYEVI* ,TOL/OY1 ,DI/RIBUT$ BY ! ,TOL/OY ,LIBR>Y ,ONL9E1 ,FIR/ DI/RIBUT$ 9 ,RUSSIA 9 #a#h#h#b1 FIR/ PUBLI%$ 9 #a#h#h#d47 

O ,P>T #c 

,SO ,I LIV$1 AB&ON+ MYSELF TO ?IS 9SANITY = ANO!R SIX 
YE>S1 TILL MY M>RIAGE4 ,DUR+ ?AT TIME ,I W5T ABROAD4 ,LIFE 9 
,EUROPE & MY ACQUA9TANCE ) LEAD+ & LE>N$ ,EUROPEANS 
.<,FOOTNOTE3 ,RUSSIANS G5]ALLY MAKE A DI/9CTION BETWE5 ,EUROPEANS 
& ,RUSSIANS4 - ,A4,M4.> CONFIRM$ ME YET MORE 9 ! FAI? ( 
/RIV+ AFT] P]FECTION 9 :I* ,I BELIEV$1 = ,I F\ND ! SAME 
FAI? AMONG !M4 ,?AT FAI? TOOK ) ME ! COMMON =M IT 
ASSUMES ) ! MAJORITY ( $UCAT$ PEOPLE ( \R DAY4 ,IT WAS 
EXPRESS$ BY ! WORD 0PROGRESS04 ,IT !N APPE>$ TO ME ?AT ?IS 
WORD MEANT SOME?+4 ,I DID NOT AS YET UND]/& ?AT1 BE+ 
TORM5T$ 7LIKE EV]Y VITAL MAN7 BY ! QUE/ION H[ IT IS BE/ = 
ME TO LIVE1 9 MY ANSW]1 0,LIVE 9 CON=MITY ) PROGRESS01 ,I WAS 
LIKE A MAN 9 A BOAT :O :5 C>RI$ ALONG BY W9D & WAVES 
%\LD REPLY TO :AT = HIM IS ! *IEF & ONLY QUE/ION4 
0:I!R TO /E]01 BY SAY+1 0,WE >E BE+ C>RI$ SOME:]E04 

,I DID NOT !N NOTICE ?IS4 ,ONLY OCCASIONALLY - NOT BY 
REASON BUT BY 9/9CT - ,I REVOLT$ AGA9/ ?IS SUP]/ITION SO 
COMMON 9 \R DAY1 BY :I* PEOPLE HIDE FROM !MSELVES !IR LACK 
( UND]/&+ ( LIFE4444,SO1 = 9/ANCE1 DUR+ MY /AY 9 
,P>IS1 ! SI<T ( AN EXECUTION REVEAL$ TO ME ! 9/ABILITY ( 
MY SUP]/ITI\S BELIEF 9 PROGRESS4 ,:5 ,I SAW ! HEAD P>T FROM 
! BODY & H[ !Y ?UMP$ SEP>ATELY 9TO ! BOX1 ,I 
UND]/OOD1 NOT ) MY M9D BUT ) MY :OLE BE+1 ?AT NO 
!ORY ( ! REASONABL5ESS ( \R PRES5T PROGRESS C\LD JU/IFY 
?IS DE$2 & ?AT ?\< EV]YBODY FROM ! CREATION ( ! WORLD 
HAD HELD IT TO BE NECESS>Y1 ON :ATEV] !ORY1 ,I KNEW IT TO BE 
UNNECESS>Y & BAD2 & !RE=E ! >BIT] ( :AT IS GOOD & 
EVIL IS NOT :AT PEOPLE SAY & DO1 NOR IS IT PROGRESS1 BUT IT IS 
MY HE>T & ,I4 ,ANO!R 9/ANCE ( A REALIZATION ?AT ! 
SUP]/ITI\S BELIEF 9 PROGRESS IS 9SUFFICI5T AS A GUIDE TO 
LIFE1 WAS MY BRO!R'S DEA?4 ,WISE1 GOOD1 S]I\S1 HE FELL ILL 
:ILE /ILL A Y\NG MAN1 SUFF]$ = MORE ?AN A YE>1 & DI$ 
PA9FULLY1 NOT UND]/&+ :Y HE HAD LIV$ & /ILL LESS :Y HE 
HAD TO DIE4 ,NO !ORIES C\LD GIVE ME1 OR HIM1 ANY REPLY TO !SE 
QUE/IONS DUR+ HIS SL[ & PA9FUL DY+4 ,BUT !SE W]E ONLY 
R>E 9/ANCES ( D\BT1 & ,I ACTUALLY CONT9U$ TO LIVE 
PR(ESS+ A FAI? ONLY 9 PROGRESS4 0,EV]Y?+ EVOLVES & ,I 
EVOLVE ) IT3 & :Y IT IS ?AT ,I EVOLVE ) ALL ?+S WILL 
BE KN[N SOME DAY40 ,SO ,I \<T TO HAVE =MULAT$ MY FAI? AT ?AT 
TIME4 

,ON RETURN+ FROM ABROAD ,I SETTL$ 9 ! C\NTRY & *ANC$ 
TO OCCUPY MYSELF ) PEASANT S*OOLS4 ,?IS WORK WAS P>TICUL>LY 
TO MY TA/E BECAUSE 9 IT ,I HAD NOT TO FACE ! FALSITY :I* HAD 
BECOME OBVI\S TO ME & />$ ME 9 ! FACE :5 ,I TRI$ TO 
TEA* PEOPLE BY LIT]>Y MEANS4 ,H]E ALSO ,I ACT$ 9 ! NAME ( 
PROGRESS1 BUT ,I ALREADY REG>D$ PROGRESS ITSELF CRITICALLY4 ,I 
SAID TO MYSELF3 0,9 SOME ( ITS DEVELOPM5TS PROGRESS HAS 
PROCE$$ WRONGLY1 & ) PRIMITIVE PEASANT *ILDR5 ONE MU/ 
DEAL 9 A SPIRIT ( P]FECT FRE$OM1 LETT+ !M *OOSE :AT PA? 
( PROGRESS !Y PLEASE40 ,9 REALITY ,I WAS EV] REVOLV+ R\ND 
ONE & ! SAME 9SOLUBLE PROBLEM1 :I* WAS3 ,H[ TO TEA* 
)\T KN[+ :AT TO TEA*4 ,9 ! HI<] SPH]ES ( LIT]>Y 
ACTIVITY ,I HAD REALIZ$ ?AT ONE C\LD NOT TEA* )\T KN[+ 
:AT1 = ,I SAW ?AT PEOPLE ALL TAU<T DIFF]5TLY1 & BY 
QU>REL+ AMONG !MSELVES ONLY SUCCE$$ 9 HID+ !IR 
IGNORANCE FROM ONE ANO!R4 ,BUT H]E1 ) PEASANT *ILDR51 ,I 
?\<T TO EVADE ?IS DIFFICULTY BY LETT+ !M LE>N :AT !Y 
LIK$4 ,IT AMUSES ME N[ :5 ,I REMEMB] H[ ,I %UFFL$ 9 TRY+ 
TO SATISFY MY DESIRE TO TEA*1 :ILE 9 ! DEP? ( MY S\L ,I KNEW 
V]Y WELL ?AT ,I C\LD NOT TEA* ANY?+ NE$FUL = ,I DID NOT 
KN[ :AT WAS NE$FUL4 ,AFT] SP5D+ A YE> AT S*OOL WORK ,I W5T 
ABROAD A SECOND TIME TO DISCOV] H[ TO TEA* O!RS :ILE MYSELF 
KN[+ NO?+4 

,& IT SEEM$ TO ME ?AT ,I HAD LE>N$ ?IS ABORAD1 & 9 ! 
YE> ( ! PEASANTS' EMANCIPATION 7#a#h#f#a7 ,I RETURN$ TO ,RUSSIA 
>M$ ) ALL ?IS WISDOM1 & HAV+ BECOME AN ,>BIT] .<,FOOTNOTE3 
,TO KEEP PEACE BETWE5 PEASANTS & [N]S4-,A4,M4.> ,I BEGAN TO TEA*1 
BO? ! UN$UCAT$ PEASANTS 9 S*OOLS & ! $UCAT$ CLASSES 
?R\< A MAGAZ9E ,I PUBLI%$4 ,?+S APPE>$ TO BE GO+ WELL1 
BUT ,I FELT ,I WAS NOT QUITE S\ND M5TALLY & ?AT MATT]S C\LD 
NOT LONG CONT9UE 9 ?AT WAY4 ,& ,I %\LD P]HAPS !N HAVE COME 
TO ! /ATE ( DESPAIR ,I REA*$ FIFTE5 YE>S LAT] HAD !RE NOT 
BE5 ONE SIDE ( LIFE /ILL UNEXPLOR$ BY ME :I* PROMIS$ ME 
HAPP9ESS3 ?AT WAS MY M>RIAGE4 

,= A YE> ,I BUSI$ MYSELF ) >BITRATION WORK1 ! S*OOLS1 
& ! MAGAZ9E2 & ,I BECAME SO WORN \T - AS A RESULT 
ESPECIALLY ( MY M5TAL CONFUSION - & SO H>D WAS MY /RUGGLE AS 
,>BIT]1 SO OBSCURE ! RESULTS ( MY ACTIVITY 9 ! S*OOLS1 SO 
REPULSIVE MY %UFFL+ 9 ! MAGAZ9E 7:I* ALWAYS AM\NT$ TO 
ONE & ! SAME ?+3 A DESIRE TO TEA* EV]YBODY & TO HIDE 
! FACT ?AT ,I DID NOT KN[ :AT TO TEA*71 ?AT ,I FELL ILL1 
M5TALLY RA!R ?AN PHYSICALLY1 ?REW UP EV]Y?+1 & W5T AWAY 
TO ! ,BA%KIRS 9 ! /EPPES1 TO BREA! FRE% AIR1 DR9K KUMYS 
.<,FOOTNOTE3 ,A F]M5T$ DR9K PREP>$ FROM M>E'S MILK4-,A4 ,M4.>1 
& LIVE A M]ELY ANIMAL LIFE4 

,RETURN+ FROM !RE ,I M>RI$4 ,! NEW CONDITIONS ( HAPPY 
FAMILY LIFE COMPLETELY DIV]T$ ME FROM ALL SE>* = ! G5]AL 
MEAN+ ( LIFE4 ,MY :OLE LIFE WAS C5T]$ AT ?AT TIME 9 MY 
FAMILY1 WIFE & *ILDR51 & !RE=E 9 C>E TO 9CREASE \R 
MEANS ( LIVELIHOOD4 ,MY /RIV+ AFT] SELF-P]FECTION1 = :I* 
,I HAD ALREADY SUB/ITUT$ A /RIV+ = P]FECTION 9 G5]AL1 
I4E4 PROGRESS1 WAS N[ AGA9 REPLAC$ BY ! EF=T SIMPLY TO 
SECURE ! BE/ POSSIBLE CONDITIONS = MYSELF & MY FAMILY4 

,SO ANO!R FIFTE5 YE>S PASS$4 
,9 SPITE ( ! FACT ?AT ,I N[ REG>D$ AU?OR%IP AS ( NO 
IMPORTANCE - ! TEMPTATION ( IMM5SE MONET>Y REW>DS & 
APPLAUSE = MY 9SIGNIFICANT WORK - & ,I DEVOT$ MYSELF TO IT AS 
A MEANS ( IMPROV+ MY MAT]IAL POSITION & ( /IFL+ 9 MY 
S\L ALL QUE/IONS AS TO ! MEAN+ ( MY [N LIFE OR LIFE 9 
G5]AL4 

,I WROTE3 TEA*+ :AT WAS = ME ! ONLY TRU?1 NAMELY1 
?AT ONE %\LD LIVE SO AS TO HAVE ! BE/ = ONESELF & ONE'S 
FAMILY4 

,SO ,I LIV$2 BUT FIVE YE>S AGO SOME?+ V]Y /RANGE BEGAN TO 
HAPP5 TO ME4 ,AT FIR/ ,I EXP]I5C$ MOM5TS ( P]PLEXITY & 
>RE/ ( LIFE1 & ?\< ,I DID NOT KN[ :AT TO DO OR H[ TO 
LIVE2 & ,I FELT LO/ & BECAME DEJECT$4 ,BUT ?IS PASS$ & ,I 
W5T ON LIV+ AS BE=E4 ,!N !SE MOM5TS ( P]PLEXITY BEGAN 
TO RECUR (T5] & (T5]1 & ALWAYS 9 ! SAME =M4 ,!Y 
W]E ALWAYS EXPRESS$ BY ! QUE/IONS3 ,:AT IS IT =8 ,:AT DOES 
IT LEAD TO8 

,AT FIR/ IT SEEM$ TO ME ?AT !SE W]E AIMLESS & 
IRRELEVANT QUE/IONS4 ,I ?\<T ?AT IT WAS ALL WELL KN[N1 & 
?AT IF ,I %\LD EV] WI% TO DEAL ) ! SOLUTION IT W\LD NOT 
CO/ ME MU* EF=T2 JU/ AT PRES5T ,I HAD NO TIME = IT1 BUT :5 
,I WANT$ TO ,I %\LD BE ABLE TO F9D ! ANSW]4 ,! QUE/IONS 
H[EV] BEGAN TO REPEAT !MSELVES FREQU5TLY1 & TO DEM& 
REPLIES MORE & MORE 9SI/5TLY2 & LIKE DROPS ( 9K ALWAYS 
FALL+ ON ONE PLACE !Y RAN TOGE!R 9TO ONE BLACK BLOT4 

,!N OCCURR$ :AT HAPP5S TO EV]YONE SICK5+ ) A MORTAL 
9T]NAL DISEASE4 ,AT FIR/ TRIVIAL SIGNS ( 9DISPOSITION APPE> 
TO :I* ! SICK MAN PAYS NO ATT5TION2 !N !SE SIGNS REAPPE> 
MORE & MORE (T5 & M]GE 9TO ONE UN9T]RUPT$ P]IOD ( 
SUFF]+4 ,! SUFF]+ 9CREASES1 & BE=E ! SICK MAN CAN 
LOOK R\ND1 :AT HE TOOK = A M]E 9DISPOSITION HAS ALREADY 
BECOME MORE IMPORTANT TO HIM ?AN ANY?+ ELSE 9 ! WORLD - IT 
IS DEA?6 

,?AT IS :AT HAPP5$ TO ME4 ,I UND]/OOD ?AT IT WAS NO 
CASUAL 9DISPOSITION BUT SOME?+ V]Y IMPORTANT1 & ?AT IF 
!SE QUE/IONS CON/ANTLY REPEAT$ !MSELVES !Y W\LD HAVE TO 
BE ANSW]$4 ,& ,I TRI$ TO ANSW] !M4 ,! QUE/IONS SEEM$ 
SU* /UPID1 SIMPLE1 *ILDI% ONES2 BUT AS SOON AS ,I T\*$ !M 
& TRI$ TO SOLVE !M ,I AT ONCE BECAME CONV9C$1 FIR/1 ?AT 
!Y >E NOT *ILDI% & /UPID BUT ! MO/ IMPORTANT & 
PR(\ND ( LIFE'S QUE/IONS2 & SECONDLY ?AT1 OCCUPY+ MYSELF 
) MY ,SAM>A E/ATE1 ! $UCATION ( MY SON1 OR ! WRIT+ ( 
A BOOK1 ,I HAD TO KN[ "9:Y"9 ,I WAS DO+ IT4 ,AS LONG AS ,I DID NOT 
KN[ :Y1 ,I C\LD DO NO?+ & C\LD NOT LIVE4 ,AMID ! ?\<TS 
( E/ATE MANAGEM5T :I* GREATLY OCCUPI$ ME AT ?AT TIME1 ! 
QUE/ION W\LD SUDD5LY OCCUR3 0,WELL1 Y\ WILL HAVE #f1 
DESYAT9AS .<,FOOTNOTE3 ,! DESYAT9A IS AB\T #b4#g#e ACRES4-,A4,M4.> ( 
L& 9 ,SAM>A ,GOV]NM5T & #c HORSES1 & :AT !N80 444 ,& 
,I WAS QUITE DISCONC]T$ & DID NOT KN[ :AT TO ?9K4 ,OR :5 
CONSID]+ PLANS = ! $UCATION ( MY *ILDR51 ,I W\LD SAY TO 
MYSELF3 0,:AT =80 ,OR :5 CONSID]+ H[ ! PEASANTS MI<T 
BECOME PROSP]\S1 ,I W\LD SUDD5LY SAY TO MYSELF3 0,BUT :AT DOES 
IT MATT] TO ME80 ,OR :5 ?9K+ ( ! FAME MY WORKS W\LD 
BR+ ME1 ,I W\LD SAY TO MYSELF1 0,V]Y WELL2 Y\ WILL BE MORE 
FAM\S ?AN ,GOGOL OR ,PU%K9 OR ,%AKESPE>E OR ,MOLI]E1 OR ?AN ALL 
! WRIT]S 9 ! WORLD - & :AT ( IT80 ,& ,I C\LD F9D NO 
REPLY AT ALL4 ,! QUE/IONS W\LD NOT WAIT1 !Y HAD TO BE 
ANSW]$ AT ONCE1 & IF ,I DID NOT ANSW] !M IT WAS IMPOSSIBLE TO 
LIVE4 ,BUT !RE WAS NO ANSW]4 

,I FELT ?AT :AT ,I HAD BE5 /&+ ON HAD COLLAPS$ & ?AT 
,I HAD NO?+ LEFT UND] MY FEET4 ,:AT ,I HAD LIV$ ON NO LONG] 
EXI/$1 & !RE WAS NO?+ LEFT4 

7,S\RCE3 ,A ,CONFESSION1 BY ,LEV ,NIKOLAYEVI* ,TOL/OY1 ,DI/RIBUT$ BY ! ,TOL/OY ,LIBR>Y ,ONL9E1 ,FIR/ DI/RIBUT$ 9 ,RUSSIA 9 #a#h#h#b1 FIR/ PUBLI%$ 9 #a#h#h#d47 

O ,P>T #d 

,MY LIFE CAME TO A /&/ILL4 ,I C\LD BREA!1 EAT1 DR9K1 
& SLEEP1 & ,I C\LD NOT HELP DO+ !SE ?+S2 BUT !RE WAS 
NO LIFE1 = !RE W]E NO WI%ES ! FULFILLM5T ( :I* ,I C\LD 
CONSID] REASONABLE4 ,IF ,I DESIR$ ANY?+1 ,I KNEW 9 ADVANCE ?AT 
:E!R ,I SATISFI$ MY DESIRE OR NOT1 NO?+ W\LD COME ( IT4  
,HAD A FAIRY COME & (F]$ TO FULFILL MY DESIRES ,I %\LD NOT HAVE 
KN[ :AT TO ASK4 ,IF 9 MOM5TS ( 9TOXICATION ,I FELT SOME?+ 
:I*1 ?\< NOT A WI%1 WAS A HABIT LEFT BY =M] WI%ES1 9 
SOB] MOM5TS ,I KNEW ?IS TO BE A DELUSION & ?AT !RE WAS 
REALLY NO?+ TO WI% =4 ,I C\LD NOT EV5 WI% TO KN[ ! 
TRU?1 = ,I GUESS$ ( :AT IT CONSI/$4 ,! TRU? WAS ?AT LIFE 
IS MEAN+LESS4 ,I HAD AS IT W]E LIV$1 LIV$1 & WALK$1 WALK$1 
TILL ,I HAD COME TO A PRECIPICE & SAW CLE>LY ?AT !RE WAS 
NO?+ AHEAD ( ME BUT DE/RUCTION4 ,IT WAS IMPOSSIBLE TO /OP1 
IMPOSSIBLE TO GO BACK1 & IMPOSSIBLE TO CLOSE MY EYES OR AVOID 
SEE+ ?AT !RE WAS NO?+ AHEAD BUT SUFF]+ & REAL DEA? - 
COMPLETE ANNIHILATION4 

,IT HAD COME TO ?IS1 ?AT ,I1 A HEAL?Y1 =TUNATE MAN1 FELT ,I 
C\LD NO LONG] LIVE3 SOME IRRESI/IBLE P[] IMPELL$ ME TO RID 
MYSELF ONE WAY OR O!R ( LIFE4 ,I CANNOT SAY ,I "9WI%$"9 TO KILL 
MYSELF4 ,! P[] :I* DREW ME AWAY FROM LIFE WAS /RONG]1 
FULL]1 & MORE WIDESPREAD ?AN ANY M]E WI%4 ,IT WAS A =CE 
SIMIL> TO ! =M] /RIV+ TO LIVE1 ONLY 9 A CONTR>Y 
DIRECTION4 ,ALL MY /R5G? DREW ME AWAY FROM LIFE4 ,! ?\<T ( 
SELF-DE/RUCTION N[ CAME TO ME AS NATURALLY AS ?\<TS ( H[ TO 
IMPROVE MY LIFE HAD COME =M]LY4 & IT WAS S$UCTIVE ?AT ,I HAD 
TO BE CUNN+ ) MYSELF LE/ ,I %\LD C>RY IT \T TOO HA/ILY4  
,I DID NOT WI% TO HURRY1 BECAUSE ,I WANT$ TO USE ALL EF=TS TO 
DIS5TANGLE ! MATT]4 0,IF ,I CANNOT UNRAVEL MATT]S1 !RE WILL 
ALWAYS BE TIME40 & IT WAS !N ?AT ,I1 A MAN FAVOR$ BY 
=TUNE1 HID A CORD FROM MYSELF LE/ ,I %\LD HANG MYSELF FROM ! 
CROSSPIECE ( ! P>TITION 9 MY ROOM :]E ,I UNDRESS$ ALONE 
EV]Y EV5+1 & ,I CEAS$ TO GO \T %OOT+ ) A GUN LE/ ,I 
%\LD BE TEMPT$ BY SO EASY A WAY ( 5D+ MY LIFE4 ,I DID NOT 
MYSELF KN[ :AT ,I WANT$3 ,I FE>$ LIFE1 DESIR$ TO ESCAPE FROM 
IT1 YET /ILL HOP$ SOME?+ ( IT4 

,& ALL ?IS BEFELL ME AT A TIME :5 ALL >\ND ME ,I HAD :AT 
IS CONSID]$ COMPLETE GOOD =TUNE4 ,I WAS NOT YET FIFTY2 ,I HAD A 
GOOD WIFE :O LIV$ ME & :OM ,I LOV$1 GOOD *ILDR51 & A L>GE 
E/ATE :I* )\T MU* EF=T ON MY P>T IMPROV$ & 9CREAS$4  
,I WAS RESPECT$ BY MY RELATIONS & ACQUA9TANCES MORE ?AN AT ANY 
PREVI\S TIME4 ,I WAS PRAIS$ BY O!RS & )\T MU* SELF- 
DECEPTION C\LD CONSID] ?AT MY NAME WAS FAM\S4 ,& F> FROM 
BE+ 9SANE OR M5TALLY DISEAS$1 ,I 5JOY$ ON ! CONTR>Y A 
/R5G? ( M9D & BODY SU* AS ,I HAVE SELDOM MET ) AMONG M5 
( MY K9D2 PHYSICALLY ,I C\LD KEEP UP ) ! PEASANTS AT M[+1 
& M5TALLY ,I C\LD WORK = EI<T & T5 H\RS AT A /RET* 
)\T EXP]I5C+ ANY ILL RESULTS FROM SU* EX]TION4 ,& 9 
?IS SITUATION ,I CAME TO ?IS - ?AT ,I C\LD NOT LIVE1 &1 
FE>+ DEA?1 HAD TO EMPLOY CUNN+ ) MYSELF TO AVOID TAK+ MY 
[N LIFE4 

,MY M5TAL CONDITION PRES5T$ ITSELF TO ME 9 ?IS WAY3 MY 
LIFE IS A /UPID & SPITEFUL JOKE SOMEONE HAS PLAY$ ON ME4  
,?\< ,I DID NOT ACKN[L$GE A 0SOMEONE0 :O CREAT$ ME1 YET SU* 
A PRES5TATION - ?AT SOMEONE HAD PLAY$ AN EVIL & /UPID JOKE 
ON MY BY PLAC+ ME 9 ! WORLD - WAS ! =M ( EXPRESSION ?AT 
SUGGE/$ ITSELF MO/ NATURALLY TO ME4 

,9VOLUNT>ILY IT APPE>$ TO ME ?AT !RE1 SOME:]E1 WAS 
SOMEONE :O AMUS$ HIMSELF BY WAT*+ H[ ,I LIV$ = ?IRTY OR 
=TY YE>S3 LE>N+1 DEVELOP+1 MATUR+ 9 BODY & M9D1 & 
H[1 HAV+ ) MATUR$ M5TAL P[]S REA*$ ! SUMMIT ( LIFE 
FROM :I* IT ALL LAY BE=E ME1 ,I /OOD ON ?AT SUMMIT - LIKE AN 
>*-FOOL - SEE+ CLE>LY ?AT !RE IS NO?+ 9 LIFE1 & ?AT 
!RE HAS BE5 & WILL BE NO?+4 ,& "9HE"9 WAS AMUS$4 444 

,BUT :E!R ?AT 0SOMEONE0 LAU<+ AT ME EXI/$ OR NOT1 ,I 
WAS NONE ! BETT] (F4 ,I C\LD GIVE NO REASONABLE MEAN+ TO ANY 
S+LE ACTION OR TO MY :OLE LIFE4 ,I WAS ONLY SURPRIS$ ?AT ,I 
C\LD HAVE AVOID$ UND]/&+ ?IS FROM ! V]Y BEG9N+ - IT 
HAS BE5 SO LONG KN[N TO ALL4 ,TODAY OR TOMORR[ SICKNESS & 
DEA? WILL COME 7!Y HAD COME ALREADY7 TO ?OSE ,I LOVE OR TO ME2 
NO?+ WILL REMA9 BUT /5* & WORMS4 ,SOON] OR LAT] MY 
AFFAIRS1 :ATEV] !Y MAY BE1 WILL BE =GOTT51 & ,I %ALL NOT 
EXI/4 ,!N :Y GO ON MAK+ ANY EF=T8 444 ,H[ CAN MAN FAIL TO 
SEE ?IS8 ,& H[ GO ON LIV+8 ,?AT IS :AT IS SURPRIS+6 ,ONE 
CAN ONLY LIVE :ILE ONE IS 9TOXICAT$ ) LIFE2 AS SOON AS ONE IS 
SOB] IT IS IMPOSSIBLE NOT TO SEE ?AT IT IS ALL A M]E FRAUD & 
A /UPID FRAUD6 ,?AT IS PRECISELY :AT IT IS3 !RE IS NO?+ 
EI!R AMUS+ OR WITTY AB\T IT1 IT IS SIMPLY CRUEL & /UPID4 

,!RE IS AN ,EA/]N FABLE1 TOLD LONG AGO1 ( A TRAVEL] 
OV]TAK5 ON A PLA9 BY AN 5RAG$ BEA/4 ,ESCAP+ FROM ! BEA/ 
HE GETS 9TO A DRY WELL1 BUT SEES AT ! BOTTOM ( ! WELL A 
DRAGON ?AT HAS OP5$ ITS JAWS TO SWALL[ HIM4 ,& ! 
UN=TUNATE MAN1 NOT D>+ TO CLIMB \T LE/ HE %\LD BE 
DE/ROY$ BY ! 5RAG$ BEA/1 & NOT D>+ TO LEAP TO ! 
BOTTOM ( ! WELL LE/ HE %\LD BE EAT5 BY ! DRAGON1 SEIZES S 
TWIG GR[+ 9 A CRACK 9 ! WELL & CL+S TO IT4 ,HIS H&S 
>E GR[+ WEAK] & HE FEELS HE WILL SOON HAVE TO RESIGN HIMSELF 
TO ! DE/RUCTION ?AT AWAITS HIM ABOVE OR BEL[1 BUT /ILL HE 
CL+S ON4 ,!N HE SEES ?AT TWO MICE1 A BLACK ONE & A :ITE 
ONE1 GO REGUL>LY R\ND & R\ND ! /EM ( ! TWIG TO :I* HE 
IS CL++ & GNAW AT IT4 ,& SOON ! TWIG ITSELF WILL SNAP & 
HE WILL FALL 9TO ! DRAGON'S JAWS4 ,! TRAVEL] SEES ?IS & 
KN[S ?AT HE WILL 9EVITABLY P]I%2 BUT :ILE /ILL HANG+ HE 
LOOKS >\ND1 SEES SOME DROPS ( HONEY ON ! LEAVES ( ! TWIG1 
REA*ES !M ) HIS TONGUE & LICKS !M4 ,SO ,I TOO CLUNG TO ! 
TWIG ( LIFE1 KN[+ ?AT ! DRAGON ( DEA? WAS 9EVITABLY 
AWAIT+ ME1 READY TO TE> ME TO PIECES2 & ,I C\LD NOT UND]/& 
:Y ,I HAD FALL5 9TO SU* TORM5T4 ,I TRI$ TO LICK ! HONEY 
:I* =M]LY CONSOL$ ME1 BUT ! HONEY NO LONG] GAVE ME 
PLEASURE1 & ! :ITE & BLACK MICE ( DAY & NI<T GNAW$ AT 
! BRAN* BY :I* ,I HUNG4 ,I SAW ! DRAGON CLE>LY & ! HONEY 
NO LONG] TA/$ SWEET4 ,I ONLY SAW ! UNESCAPABLE DRAGON & ! 
MICE1 & ,I C\LD NOT TE> MY GAZE FROM !M4 & ?IS IS NOT A 
FABLE BUT ! REAL UNANSW]ABLE TRU? 9TELLIGIBLE TO ALL4 

,! DECEPTION ( ! JOYS ( LIFE :I* =M]LY ALLAY$ MY 
T]ROR ( ! DRAGON N[ NO LONG] DECEIV$ ME4 ,NO MATT] H[ 
(T5 ,I MAY BE TOLD1 0,Y\ CANNOT UND]/& ! MEAN+ ( LIFE SO 
DO NOT ?9K AB\T IT1 BUT LIVE10 ,I CAN NO LONG] DO IT3 ,I HAVE 
ALREADY DONE IT TOO LONG4 ,I CANNOT N[ HELP SEE+ DAY & NI<T 
GO+ R\ND & BR++ ME TO DEA?4 ,?AT IS ALL ,I SEE1 = ?AT 
ALONE IS TRUE4 ,ALL ELSE IS FALSE4 

,! TWO DROPS ( HONEY :I* DIV]T$ MY EYES FROM ! CRUEL 
TRU? LONG] ?AN ! RE/3 MY LOVE ( FAMILY1 & ( WRIT+ - 
>T AS ,I CALL$ IT - W]E NO LONG] SWEET TO ME4 

0,FAMILY0444SAID ,I TO MYSELF4 ,BUT MY FAMILY - WIFE & 
*ILDR5 - >E ALSO HUMAN4 ,!Y >E PLAC$ JU/ AS ,I AM3 !Y 
MU/ EI!R LIVE 9 A LIE OR SEE ! T]RIBLE TRU?4 ,:Y %\LD 
!Y LIVE8 ,:Y %\LD ,I LOVE !M1 GU>D !M1 BR+ !M UP1 OR 
WAT* !M8 ,?AT !Y MAY COME TO ! DESPAIR ?AT ,I FEEL1 OR ELSE 
BE /UPID8 ,LOV+ !M1 ,I CANNOT HIDE ! TRU? FROM !M3 EA* 
/EP 9 KN[L$GE LEADS !M TO ! TRU?4 ,& ! TRU? IS DEA?4 

0,>T1 POETRY80444,UND] ! 9FLU5CE ( SUCCESS & ! PRAISE 
( M51 ,I HAD LONG ASSUR$ MYSELF ?AT ?IS WAS A ?+ ONE C\LD 
DO ?\< DEA? WAS DRAW+ NE> - DEA? :I* DE/ROYS ALL 
?+S1 9CLUD+ MY WORK & ITS REMEMBRANCE2 BUT SOON ,I SAW ?AT 
?AT TOO WAS A FRAUD4 ,IT WAS PLA9 TO ME ?AT >T IS AN ADORNM5T 
( LIFE1 AN ALLUREM5T TO LIFE4 ,BUT LIFE HAD LO/ ITS ATTRACTION 
= ME1 SO H[ C\LD ,I ATTRACT O!RS8 ,AS LONG AS ,I WAS NOT LIV+ 
MY [N LIFE BUT WAS BORNE ON ! WAVES ( SOME O!R LIFE - AS 
LONG AS ,I BELIEV$ ?AT LIFE HAD A MEAN+1 ?\< ONE ,I C\LD NOT 
EXPRESS - ! REFLECTION ( LIFE 9 POETRY & >T ( ALL K9DS 
AF=D$ ME PLEASURE3 IT WAS PLEASANT TO LOOK AT LIFE 9 ! 
MIRROR ( >T4 ,BUT :5 ,I BEGAN TO SEEK ! MEAN+ ( LIFE & 
FELT ! NECESSITY ( LIV+ MY [N LIFE1 ?AT MIRROR BECAME = ME 
UNNECESS>Y1 SUP]FLU\S1 RIDICUL\S1 OR PA9FUL4 ,I C\LD NO 
LONG] SOO! MYSELF ) :AT ,I N[ SAW 9 ! MIRROR1 NAMELY1 
?AT MY POSITION WAS /UPID & DESP]ATE4 ,IT WAS ALL V]Y WELL TO 
5JOY ! SI<T :5 9 ! DEP? ( MY S\L ,I BELIEV$ ?AT MY 
LIFE HAD A MEAN+4 ,!N ! PLAY ( LI<TS - COMIC1 TRAGIC1 
T\*+1 BEAUTIFUL1 & T]RIBLE - 9 LIFE AMUS$ ME4 ,NO 
SWEETNESS ( HONEY C\LD BE SWEET TO ME :5 ,I SAW ! DRAGON & 
SAW ! MICE GNAW+ AWAY MY SUPPORT4 

,NOR WAS ?AT ALL4 ,HAD ,I SIMPLY UND]/OOD ?AT LIFE HAD NO 
MEAN+ ,I C\LD HAVE BORNE IT QUIETLY1 KN[+ ?AT ?AT WAS MY 
LOT4 ,BUT ,I C\LD NOT SATISFY MYSELF ) ?AT4 ,HAD ,I BE5 LIKE A 
MAN LIV+ 9 A WOOD FROM :I* HE KN[S !RE IS NO EXIT1 ,I C\LD 
HAVE LIV$2 BUT ,I WAS LIKE ONE LO/ 9 A WOOD :O1 HORRIFI$ AT 
HAV+ LO/ HIS WAY1 RU%ES AB\T WI%+ TO F9D ! ROAD4 ,HE 
KN[S ?AT EA* /EP HE TAKES CONFUSES HIM MORE & MORE1 BUT /ILL 
HE CANNOT HELP RU%+ AB\T4 

,IT WAS 9DE$ T]RIBLE4 ,& TO RID MYSELF ( ! T]ROR ,I 
WI%$ TO KILL MYSELF4 ,I EXP]I5C$ T]ROR AT :AT AWAIT$ ME - 
KNEW ?AT ?AT T]ROR WAS EV5 WORSE ?AN ! POSITION ,I WAS 91 
BUT /ILL ,I C\LD NOT PATI5TLY AWAIT ! 5D4 ,H[EV] CONV9C+ 
! >GUM5T MI<T BE ?AT 9 ANY CASE SOME VESSEL 9 MY HE>T 
W\LD GIVE WAY1 OR SOME?+ W\LD BUR/ & ALL W\LD BE OV]1 ,I 
C\LD NOT PATI5TLY AWAIT ?AT 5D4 ,! HORROR ( D>KNESS WAS TOO 
GREAT1 & ,I WI%$ TO FREE MYSELF FROM IT AS QUICKLY AS POSSIBLE 
BY NOOSE OR BULLET4 ?AT WAS ! FEEL+ :I* DREW ME MO/ 
/RONGLY T[>DS SUICIDE4 

7,S\RCE3 ,A ,CONFESSION1 BY ,LEV ,NIKOLAYEVI* ,TOL/OY1 ,DI/RIBUT$ BY ! ,TOL/OY ,LIBR>Y ,ONL9E1 ,FIR/ DI/RIBUT$ 9 ,RUSSIA 9 #a#h#h#b1 FIR/ PUBLI%$ 9 #a#h#h#d47 

O ,P>T #e 

0,BUT P]HAPS ,I HAVE OV]LOOK$ SOME?+1 OR MISUND]/OOD 
SOME?+80 SAID TO MYSELF SEV]AL TIMES4 0,IT CANNOT BE ?AT ?IS 
CONDITION ( DESPAIR IS NATURAL TO MAN60 ,& ,I S\<T = AN 
EXPLANATION ( !SE PROBLEMS 9 ALL ! BRAN*ES ( KN[L$GE 
ACQUIR$ BY M54 ,I S\<T PA9FULLY & LONG1 NOT FROM IDLE 
CURIOSITY OR LI/LESSLY1 BUT PA9FULLY & P]SI/5TLY DAY & 
NI<T - S\<T AS A P]I%+ MAN SEEKS = SAFETY - & ,I F\ND 
NO?+4 

,I S\<T 9 ALL ! SCI5CES1 BUT F> FROM F9D+ :AT ,I 
WANT$1 BECAME CONV9C$ ?AT ALL :O LIKE MYSELF HAD S\<T 9 
KN[L$GE = ! MEAN+ ( LIFE HAD F\ND NO?+4 ,& NOT ONLY 
HAD !Y F\ND NO?+1 BUT !Y HAD PLA9LY ACKN[L$G$ ?AT ! 
V]Y ?+ :I* MADE ME DESPAIR - NAMELY ! S5SELESSNESS ( 
LIFE - IS ! ONE 9DUBITABLE ?+ MAN CAN KN[4 

,I S\<T EV]Y:]E2 & ?ANKS TO A LIFE SP5T 9 LE>N+1 
& ?ANKS ALSO TO MY RELATIONS ) ! S*OL>LY WORLD1 ,I HAD 
ACCESS TO SCI5TI/S & S*OL>S 9 ALL BRAN*ES ( KN[L$GE1 & 
!Y READILY %[$ ME ALL !IR KN[L$GE1 NOT ONLY 9 BOOKS BUT 
ALSO 9 CONV]SATION1 SO ?AT ,I HAD AT MY DISPOSAL ALL ?AT SCI5CE 
HAS TO SAY ON ?IS QUE/ION ( LIFE4 

,I WAS LONG UNABLE TO BELIEVE ?AT IT GIVES NO O!R REPLY TO 
LIFE'S QUE/IONS ?AN ?AT :I* IT ACTUALLY DOES GIVE4 ,IT LONG 
SEEM$ TO ME1 :5 ,I SAW ! IMPORTANT & S]I\S AIR ) :I* 
SCI5CE ANN\NCES ITS CONCLUSIONS :I* HAVE NO?+ 9 COMMON ) 
! REAL QUE/IONS ( HUMAN LIFE1 ?AT !RE WAS SOME?+ ,I HAD 
NOT UND]/OOD4 ,I LONG WAS TIMID BE=E SCI5CE1 & IT SEEM$ TO 
ME ?AT ! LACK ( CON=MITY BETWE5 ! ANSW]S & MY QUE/IONS 
>OSE NOT BY ! FAULT ( SCI5CE BUT FROM MY IGNORANCE1 BUT ! 
MATT] WAS = ME NOT A GAME OR AN AMUSEM5T BUT ONE ( LIFE & 
DEA?1 & ,I WAS 9VOLUNT>ILY BR\<T TO ! CONVICTION ?AT MY 
QUE/IONS W]E ! ONLY LEGITIMATE ONES1 =M+ ! BASIS ( ALL 
KN[L$GE1 & ?AT ,I ) MY QUE/IONS WAS NOT TO BLAME1 BUT 
SCI5CE IF IT PRET5DS TO REPLY TO ?OSE QUE/IONS4 

,MY QUE/ION - ?AT :I* AT ! AGE ( FIFTY BR\<T ME TO 
! V]GE ( SUICIDE - WAS ! SIMPLE/ ( QUE/IONS1 LY+ 9 ! 
S\L ( EV]Y MAN FROM ! FOOLI% *ILD TO ! WISE/ ELD]3 IT 
WAS A QUE/ION )\T AN ANSW] TO :I* ONE CANNOT LIVE1 AS ,I HAD 
F\ND BY EXP]I5CE4 ,IT WAS3 0,:AT WILL COME ( :AT ,I AM DO+ 
TODAY OR %ALL DO TOMORR[8 ,:AT WILL COME ( MY :OLE LIFE80 

,DIFF]5TLY EXPRESS$1 ! QUE/ION IS3 0,:Y %\LD ,I LIVE1 
:Y WI% = ANY?+1 OR DO ANY?+80 ,IT CAN ALSO BE EXPRESS$ 
?US3 0,IS !RE ANY MEAN+ 9 MY LIFE ?AT ! 9EVITABLE DEA? 
AWAIT+ ME DOES NOT DE/ROY80 

,TO ?IS ONE QUE/ION1 V>I\SLY EXPRESS$1 ,I S\<T AN ANSW] 
9 SCI5CE4 ,& ,I F\ND ?AT 9 RELATION TO ?AT QUE/ION ALL 
HUMAN KN[L$GE IS DIVID$ AS IT W]E 9TO T[ OPPOSITE HEMISPH]ES 
AT ! 5DS ( :I* >E TWO POLES3 ! ONE A NEGATIVE & ! 
O!R A POSITIVE2 BUT ?AT NEI!R AT ! ONE NOR ! O!R POLE IS 
!RE AN ANSW] TO LIFE'S QUE/IONS4 

,! ONE S]IES ( SCI5CES SEEMS NOT TO RECOGNIZE ! 
QUE/ION1 BUT REPLIES CLE>LY & EXACTLY TO ITS [N 9DEP5D5T 
QUE/IONS3 ?AT IS ! S]IES ( EXP]IM5TAL SCI5CES1 & AT ! 
EXTREME 5D ( IT /&S MA!MATICS4 ,! O!R S]IES ( SCI5CES 
RECOGNIZES ! QUE/ION1 BUT DOES NOT ANSW] IT2 ?AT IS ! S]IES 
( AB/RACT SCI5CES1 & AT ! EXTREME 5D ( IT /&S 
METAPHYSICS4 

,FROM E>LY Y\? ,I HAD BE5 9T]E/$ 9 ! AB/RACT 
SCI5CES1 BUT LAT] ! MA!MATICAL & NATURAL SCI5CES ATTRACT$ 
ME1 & UNTIL ,I PUT MY QUE/ION DEF9ITELY TO MYSELF1 UNTIL ?AT 
QUE/ION HAD ITSELF GR[N UP )9 ME URG5TLY DEM&+ A 
DECISION1 ,I CONT5T$ MYSELF ) ?OSE C\NT]FEIT ANSW]S :I* 
SCI5CE GIVES4 

,N[ 9 ! EXP]IM5TAL SPH]E ,I SAID TO MYSELF3 0,EV]Y?+ 
DEVELOPS & DIFF]5TIATES ITSELF1 MOV+ T[>DS COMPLEXITY & 
P]FECTION1 & !RE >E LAWS DIRECT+ ?IS MOVEM5T4 ,Y\ >E A 
P>T ( ! :OLE4 ,HAV+ LE>N$ AS F> AS POSSIBLE ! :OLE1 & 
HAV+ LE>N$ ! LAW ( EVOLUTION1 Y\ WILL UND]/& ALSO Y\R 
PLACE 9 ! :OLE & WILL KN[ Y\RSELF40 ,A%AM$ AS ,I AM TO 
CONFESS IT1 !RE WA A TIME :5 ,I SEEM$ SATISFI$ ) ?AT4 ,IT 
WAS JU/ ! TIME :5 ,I WAS MYSELF BECOM+ MORE COMPLEX & WAS 
DEVELOP+4 ,MY MUSCLES W]E GR[+ & /R5G!N+1 MY MEMORY 
WAS BE+ 5RI*$1 MY CAPACITY TO ?9K & UND]/& WAS 
9CREAS+1 ,I WAS GR[+ & DEVELOP+2 & FEEL+ ?IS GR[? 
9 MYSELF IT WAS NATURAL = ME TO ?9K ?AT SU* WAS ! 
UNIV]SAL LAW 9 :I* ,I %\LD F9D ! SOLUTION ( ! QUE/ION 
( MY LIFE4 ,BUT A TIME CAME :5 ! GR[? )9 ME CEAS$4 ,I 
FELT ?AT ,I WAS NOT DEVELOP+1 BUT FAD+1 MY MUSCLES W]E 
WEAK5+1 MY TEE? FALL+ \T1 & ,I SAW ?AT ! LAW NOT ONLY 
DID NOT EXPLA9 ANY?+ TO ME1 BUT ?AT !RE NEV] HAD BE5 OR 
C\LD BE SU* A LAW1 & ?AT ,I HAD TAK5 = A LAW :AT ,I HAD 
F\ND 9 MYSELF AT A C]TA9 P]IOD ( MY LIFE4 ,I REG>D$ ! 
DEF9ITION ( ?AT LAW MORE /RICTLY1 & IT BECAME CLE> TO ME 
?AT !RE C\LD BE NO LAW ( 5DLESS DEVELOPM5T2 IT BECAME CLE> 
?AT TO SAY1 09 9F9ITE SPACE & TIME EV]Y?+ DEVELOPS1 
BECOMES MORE P]FECT & MORE COMPLEX1 IS DIFF]5TIAT$01 IS TO 
SAY NO?+ AT ALL4 ,!SE >E ALL WORDS ) NO MEAN+1 = 9 
! 9F9ITE !RE IS NEI!R COMPLEX NOR SIMPLE1 NEI!R =W>D 
NOR BACKW>D1 NOR BETT] OR WORSE4 

,ABOVE ALL1 MY P]SONAL QUE/ION1 0,:AT AM ,I ) MY DESIRES80 
REMA9$ QUITE UNANSW]$4 ,& ,I UND]/OOD ?AT ?OSE SCI5CES 
>E V]Y 9T]E/+ & ATTRACTIVE1 BUT ?AT !Y >E EXACT & 
CLE> 9 9V]SE PROPORTION TO !IR APPLICABILITY TO ! QUE/ION 
( LIFE3 ! LESS !IR APPLICABILITY TO ! QUE/ION ( LIFE1 ! 
MORE EXACT & CLE> !Y >E1 :ILE ! MORE !Y TRY TO REPLY TO 
! QUE/ION ( LIFE1 ! MORE OBSCURE & UNATTRACTIVE !Y 
BECOME4 ,IF ONE TURNS TO ! DIVISION ( SCI5CES :I* ATTEMPT TO 
REPLY TO ! QUE/IONS ( LIFE - TO PHYSIOLOGY1 PSY*OLOGY1 
BIOLOGY1 SOCIOLOGY - ONE 5C\NT]S AN APPALL+ POV]TY ( 
?\<T1 ! GREATE/ OBSCURITY1 A QUITE UNJU/IFIABLE PRET5SION 
TO SOLVE IRRELEVANT QUE/ION1 & A CONT9UAL CONTRADICTION ( EA* 
AU?ORITY BY O!RS & EV5 BY HIMSELF4 ,IF ONE TURNS TO ! 
BRAN*ES ( SCI5CE :I* >E NOT CONC]N$ ) ! SOLUTION ( 
! QUE/IONS ( LIFE1 BUT :I* REPLY TO !IR [N SPECIAL 
SCI5TIFIC QUE/IONS1 ONE IS 5RAPTUR$ BY ! P[] ( MAN'S M9D1 
BUT ONE KN[S 9 ADVANCE ?AT !Y GIVE NO REPLY TO LIFE'S 
QUE/IONS4 ,?OSE SCI5CES SIMPLY IGNORE LIFE'S QUE/IONS4 ,!Y 
SAY3 0,TO ! QUE/ION ( :AT Y\ >E & :Y Y\ LIVE WE HAVE NO 
REPLY1 & >E NOT OCCUPI$ ) ?AT2 BUT IF Y\ WANT TO KN[ ! 
LAWS ( LI<T1 ( *EMICAL COMB9ATIONS1 ! LAWS ( DEVELOPM5T ( 
ORGANISMS1 IF Y\ WANT TO KN[ ! LAWS ( BODIES & !IR =M1 
& ! RELATION ( NUMB]S & QUANTITIES1 IF Y\ WANT TO KN[ ! 
LAWS ( Y\R M9D1 TO ALL ?AT WE HAVE CLE>1 EXACT & 
UNQUE/IONABLE REPLIES40 

,9 G5]AL ! RELATION ( ! EXP]IM5TAL SCI5CES TO LIFE'S 
QUE/ION MAY BE EXPRESS$ ?US3 ,QUE/ION3 0,:Y DO ,I LIVE80  
,ANSW]3 0,9 9F9ITE SPACE1 9 9F9ITE TIME1 9F9ITELY SMALL 
P>TICLES *ANGE !IR =MS 9 9F9ITE COMPLEXITY1 & :5 Y\ 
HAVE UND] /OOD ! LAWS ( ?OSE MUTATIONS ( =M Y\ WILL 
UND]/& :Y Y\ LIVE ON ! E>?40 

,!N 9 ! SPH]E ( AB/RACT SCI5CE ,I SAID TO MYSELF3 0,ALL 
HUMANITY LIVES & DEVELOPS ON ! BASIS ( SPIRITUAL PR9CIPLES 
& IDEALS :I* GUIDE IT4 ,?OSE IDEALS >E EXPRESS$ 9 
RELIGIONS1 9 SCI5CES1 9 >TS1 9 =MS ( GOV]NM5T4 ,?OSE 
IDEALS BECOME MORE & MORE ELEVAT$1 & HUMANITY ADVANCES TO ITS 
HI<E/ WELF>E4 ,I AM P>T ( HUMANITY1 & !RE=E MY VOCATION 
IS TO =W>D ! RECOGNITION & ! REALIZATION ( ! IDEALS ( 
HUMANITY40 ,& AT ! TIME ( MY WEAK-M9D$NESS ,I WAS SATISFI$ 
) ?AT2 BUT AS SOON AS ! QUE/ION ( LIFE PRES5T$ ITSELF 
CLE>LY TO ME1 ?OSE !ORIES IMM$IATELY CRUMBL$ AWAY4 ,NOT TO 
SPEAK ( ! UNSCRUPUL\S OBSCURITY ) :I* ?OSE SCI5CES 
ANN\NCE CONCLUSIONS =M$ ON ! /UDY ( A SMALL P>T ( MANK9D 
AS G5]AL CONCLUSIONS2 NOT TO SPEAK ( ! MUTUAL CONTRADICTIONS 
( DIFF]5T ADH]5TS ( ?IS VIEW AS TO :AT >E ! IDEALS ( 
HUMANITY2 ! /RANG5ESS1 NOT TO SAY /UPIDITY1 ( ! !ORY 
CONSI/S 9 ! FACT ?AT 9 ORD] TO REPLY TO ! QUE/ION FAC+ 
EA* MAN3 0,:AT AM ,I80 OR 0,:Y DO ,I LIVE80 OR 0,:AT MU/ ,I DO80 
ONE HAS FIR/ TO DECIDE ! QUE/ION3 0,:AT IS ! LIFE ( ! 
:OLE80 7:I* IS TO HIM UNKN[N & ( :I* HE IS ACQUA9T$ ) 
ONE T9Y P>T 9 ONE M9UTE P]IOD ( TIME4 ,TO UND]/& :AT HE 
IS1 ONE MAN MU/ FIR/ UND]/& ALL ?IS MY/]I\S HUMANITY1 
CONSI/+ ( PEOPLE SU* AS HIMSELF :O DO NOT UND]/& ONE 
ANO!R4 

,I HAVE TO CONFESS ?AT !RE WAS A TIME :5 ,I BELIEV$ ?IS4  
,IT WAS ! TIME :5 ,I HAD MY [N FAVORITE IDEALS JU/IFY+ MY 
[N CAPRICES1 & ,I WAS TRY+ TO DEVISE A !ORY :I* W\LD ALL[ 
ONE TO CONSID] MY CAPRICES AS ! LAW ( HUMANITY4 ,BUT AS SOON AS 
! QUE/ION ( LIFE >OSE 9 MY S\L 9 FULL CLE>NESS ?AT REPLY 
AT ONCE FEW TO DU/4 ,& ,I UND]/OOD ?AT AS 9 ! EXP]IM5TAL 
SCI5CES !RE >E REAL SCI5CES1 & SEMI-SCI5CES :I* TRY TO 
GIVE ANSW]S TO QUE/IONS BEYOND !IR COMPET5CE1 SO 9 ?IS 
SPH]E !RE IS A :OLE S]IES ( MO/ DIFFUS$ SCI5CES :I* TRY 
TO REPLY TO IRRELEVANT QUE/IONS4 ,SEMI-SCI5CES ( ?AT K9D1 ! 
JURIDICAL & ! SOCIAL-HI/ORICAL1 5DEAVOR TO SOLVE ! 
QUE/IONS ( A MAN'S LIFE BY PRET5D+ TO DECIDE EA* 9 ITS [N 
WAY1 ! QUE/ION ( ! LIFE ( ALL HUMANITY4 

,BUT AS 9 ! SPH]E ( MAN'S EXP]IM5TAL KN[L$GE ONE :O 
S9C]ELY 9QUIRES H[ HE IS TO LIVE CANNOT BE SATISFI$ ) ! 
REPLY - 0,/UDY 9 5DLESS SPACE ! MUTATIONS1 9F9ITE 9 TIME 
& 9 COMPLEXITY1 ( 9NUM]ABLE ATOMS1 & !N Y\ WILL 
UND]/& Y\R LIFE0 - SO ALSO A S9C]E MAN CANNOT BE SATISFI$ 
) ! REPLY3 0,/UDY ! :OLE LIFE ( HUMANITY ( :I* WE 
CANNOT KN[ EI!R ! BEG9N+ OR ! 5D1 ( :I* WE DO NOT 
EV5 KN[ A SMALL P>T1 & !N Y\ WILL UND]/& Y\R [N 
LIFE40 ,& LIKE ! EXP]IM5TAL SEMI-SCI5CES1 SO !SE O!R 
SEMI-SCI5CES >E ! MORE FILL$ ) OBSCURITIES1 9EXACTITUDES1 
/UPIDITIES1 & CONTRADICTIONS1 ! FUR!R !Y DIV]GE FROM ! 
REAL PROBLEMS4 ,! PROBLEM ( EXP]IM5TAL SCI5CE IS ! SEQU5CE 
( CAUSE & EFFECT 9 MAT]IAL PH5OM5A4 ,IT IS ONLY NECESS>Y 
= EXP]IM5TAL SCI5CE TO 9TRODUCE ! QUE/ION ( A F9AL CAUSE 
= IT TO BECOME NONS5SICAL4 ,! PROBLEM ( AB/RACT SCI5CE IS 
! RECOGNITION ( ! PRIMORDIAL ESS5CE ( LIFE4 ,IT IS ONLY 
NECESS>Y TO 9TRODUCE ! 9VE/IGATION ( CONSEQU5TIAL PH5OM5A 
7SU* AS SOCIAL & HI/ORICAL PH5OM5A7 & IT ALSO BECOMES 
NONS5SICAL4 

,EXP]IM5TAL SCI5CE ONLY !N GIVES POSITIVE KN[L$GE & 
DISPLAYS ! GREATNESS ( ! HUMAN M9D :5 IT DOES NOT 9TRODUCE 
9TO ITS 9VE/IGATIONS ! QUE/ION ( AN ULTIMATE CAUSE4 ,&1 ON 
! CONTR>Y1 AB/RACT SCI5CE IS ONLY !N SCI5CE & DISPLAYS 
! GREATNESS ( ! HUMAN M9D :5 IT PUTS QUITE ASIDE QUE/IONS 
RELAT+ TO ! CONSEQU5TIAL CAUSES ( PH5OM5A & REG>DS MAN 
SOLELY 9 RELATION TO AN ULTIMATE CAUSE4 ,SU* 9 ?IS REALM ( 
SCI5CE - =M+ ! POLE ( ! SPH]E - IS METAPHYSICS OR 
PHILOSOPHY4 ,?AT SCI5CE /ATES ! QUE/ION CLE>LY3 0,:AT AM ,I1 
& :AT IS ! UNIV]SE8 ,& :Y DO ,I EXI/1 & :Y DOES ! 
UNIV]SE EXI/80 ,& S9CE IT HAS EXI/$ IT HAS ALWAYS REPLI$ 9 
! SAME WAY4 ,:E!R ! PHILOSOPH] CALLS ! ESS5CE ( LIFE 
EXI/+ )9 ME1 & 9 ALL ?AT EXI/S1 BY ! NAME ( 0IDEA01 
OR 0SUB/ANCE01 OR 0SPIRIT01 OR 0WILL01 HE SAYS ONE & ! SAME 
?+3 ?AT ?IS ESS5CE EXI/S & ?AT ,I AM ( ?AT SAME 
ESS5CE2 BUT :Y IT IS HE DOES NOT KN[1 & DOES NOT SAY1 IF HE IS 
AN EXACT ?9K]4 ,I ASK3 0,:Y %\LD ?IS ESS5CE EXI/8 ,:AT 
RESULTS FROM ! FACT ?AT IT IS & WILL BE80 444 ,& PHILOSOPHY 
NOT M]ELY DOES NOT REPLY1 BUT IS ITSELF ONLY ASK+ ?AT QUE/ION4  
,& IF IT IS REAL PHILOSOPHY ALL ITS LABOR LIES M]ELY 9 TRY+ 
TO PUT ?AT QUE/ION CLE>LY4 ,& IF IT KEEPS FIRMLY TO ITS TASK 
IT CANNOT REPLY TO ! QUE/ION O!RWISE ?AN ?US3 0,:AT AM ,I1 
& :AT IS ! UNIV]SE80 0,ALL & NO?+02 & TO ! QUE/ION 
0,:Y80 BY 0,I DO NOT KN[04 

,SO ?AT H[EV] ,I MAY TURN !SE REPLIES ( PHILOSOPHY1 ,I CAN 
NEV] OBTA9 ANY?+ LIKE AN ANSW] - & NOT BECAUSE1 AS 9 ! 
CLE> EXP]IM5TAL SPH]E1 ! REPLY DOES NOT RELATE TO MY 
QUE/ION1 BUT BECAUSE H]E1 ?\< ALL ! M5TAL WORK IS DIRECT$ 
JU/ TO MY QUE/ION1 !RE IS NO ANSW]1 BUT 9/EAD ( AN ANSW] 
ONE GETS ! SAME QUE/ION1 ONLY 9 A COMPLEX =M4 

7,S\RCE3 ,A ,CONFESSION1 BY ,LEV ,NIKOLAYEVI* ,TOL/OY1 ,DI/RIBUT$ BY ! ,TOL/OY ,LIBR>Y ,ONL9E1 ,FIR/ DI/RIBUT$ 9 ,RUSSIA 9 #a#h#h#b1 FIR/ PUBLI%$ 9 #a#h#h#d47 

O ,P>T #f 

,9 MY SE>* = ANSW]S TO LIFE'S QUE/IONS ,I EXP]I5C$ 
JU/ :AT IS FELT BY A MAN LO/ 9 A =E/4 

,HE REA*ES A GLADE1 CLIMBS A TREE1 & CLE>LY SEES ! 
LIMITLESS DI/ANCE1 BUT SEES ?AT HIS HOME IS NOT & CANNOT BE 
!RE2 !N HE GOES 9TO ! D>K WOOD & SEES ! D>KNESS1 BUT 
!RE ALSO HIS HOME IS NOT4 

,SO ,I W&]$ N ?AT WOOD ( HUMAN KN[L$GE1 AMID ! GLEAMS 
( MA!MATICAL & EXP]IM5TAL SCI5CE :I* %[$ ME CLE> 
HORIZONS BUT 9 A DIRECTION :]E !RE C\LD BE NO HOME1 & ALSO 
AMID ! D>KNESS ( ! AB/RACT SCI5CES :]E ,I WAS IMM]S$ 9 
DEEP] GLOOM ! FUR!R ,I W5T1 & :]E ,I F9ALLY CONV9C$ 
MYSELF ?AT !RE WAS1 & C\LD BE1 NO EXIT4 

,YIELD+ MYSELF TO ! BRI<T SIDE ( KN[L$GE1 ,I UND]/OOD 
?AT ,I WAS ONLY DIV]T+ MY GAZE FROM ! QUE/ION4 ,H[EV] 
ALLUR+LY CLE> ?OSE HORIZONS :I* OP5$ \T BE=E ME MI<T 
BE1 H[EV] ALLUR+ IT MI<T BE TO IMM]SE ONESELF 9 ! 
LIMITLESS EXPANSE ( ?OSE SCI5CES1 ,I ALREADY UND]/OOD ?AT ! 
CLE>] !Y W]E ! LESS !Y MET MY NE$ & ! LESS !Y 
APPLI$ TO MY QUE/ION4 

0,I KN[10 SAID ,I TO MYSELF1 0:AT SCI5CE SO P]SI/5TLY 
TRIES TO DISCOV]1 & ALONG ?AT ROAD !RE IS NO REPLY TO ! 
QUE/ION AS TO ! MEAN+ ( MY LIFE40 ,9 ! AB/RACT SPH]E ,I 
UND]/OOD ?AT NOT)/&+ ! FACT1 OR JU/ BECAUSE ( ! 
FACT1 ?AT ! DIRECT AIM ( SCI5CE IS TO REPLY TO MY QUE/ION1 
!RE IS NO REPLY BUT ?AT :I* ,I HAVE MYSELF ALREADY GIV53  
0,:AT IS ! MEAN+ ( MY LIFE80 0,!RE IS NONE40 ,OR3 0,:AT 
WILL COME ( MY LIFE80 0,NO?+40 ,OR3 0,:Y DOES EV]Y?+ EXI/ 
?AT EXI/S1 & :Y DO ,I EXI/80 0,BECAUSE IT EXI/S40 

,9QUIR+ = ONE REGION ( HUMAN KN[L$GE1 ,I RECEIV$ AN 
9NUM]ABLE QUANTITY ( EXACT REPLIES CONC]N+ MATT]S AB\T 
:I* ,I HAD NOT ASK$3 AB\T ! *EMICAL CON/ITU5TS ( ! 
/>S1 AB\T ! MOVEM5T ( ! SUN T[>DS ! CON/ELLATION 
,H]CULES1 AB\T ! ORIG9 ( SPECIES & ( MAN1 AB\T ! =MS 
( 9F9ITELY M9UTE IMPOND]ABLE P>TICLES ( E!R2 BUT 9 ?IS 
SPH]E ( KN[L$GE ! ONLY ANSW] TO MY QUE/ION1 0,:AT IS ! 
MEAN+ ( MY LIFE80 WAS3 0,Y\ >E :AT Y\ CALL Y\R 'LIFE'2 Y\ 
>E A TRANSITORY1 CASUAL COHESION ( P>TICLES4 ,! MUTUAL 
9T]ACTIONS & *ANGES ( !SE P>TICLES PRODUCE 9 Y\ :AT Y\ 
CALL Y\R 0LIFE04 ,?AT COHESION WILL LA/ SOME TIME2 AFT]W>DS 
! 9T]ACTION ( !SE P>TICLES WILL CEASE & :AT Y\ CALL 
0LIFE0 WILL CEASE1 & SO WILL ALL Y\R QUE/IONS4 ,Y\ >E AN 
ACCID5TALLY UNIT$ LITTLE LUMP ( SOME?+4 ?AT LITTLE LUMP 
F]M5TS4 ,! LITTLE LUMP CALLS ?AT F]M5T+ ITS 'LIFE'4 ,! 
LUMP WILL DIS9TEGRATE & !RE WILL BE AN 5D ( ! F]M5T+ 
& ( ALL ! QUE/IONS40 ,SO ANSW]S ! CLE> SIDE ( SCI5CE 
& CANNOT ANSW] O!RWISE IF IT /RICTLY FOLL[S ITS PR9CIPLES4 

,FROM SU* A REPLY ONE SEES ?AT ! REPLY DOES NOT ANSW] ! 
QUE/ION4 ,I WANT TO KN[ ! MEAN+ ( MY LIFE1 BUT ?AT IT IS A 
FRAGM5T ( ! 9F9ITE1 F> FROM GIV+ IT A MEAN+ DE/ROYS ITS 
EV]Y POSSIBLE MEAN+4 ,! OBSCURE COMPROMISES :I* ?AT SIDE ( 
EXP]IM5TAL EXACT SCI5CE MAKES ) AB/RACT SCI5CE :5 IT SAYS 
?AT ! MEAN+ ( LIFE CONSI/S 9 DEVELOPM5T & 9 COOP]ATION 
) DEVELOPM5T1 [+ TO !IR 9EXACTNESS & OBSCURITY CANNOT 
BE CONSID]$ AS REPLIES4 

,! O!R SIDE ( SCI5CE - ! AB/RACT SIDE - :5 IT 
HOLDS /RICTLY TO ITS PR9CIPLES1 REPLY+ DIRECTLY TO ! 
QUE/ION1 ALWAYS REPLIES1 & 9 ALL AGES HAS REPLI$1 9 ONE & 
! SAME WAY3 0,! WORLD IS SOME?+ 9F9ITE & 
9COMPREH5SIBLE P>T ( ?AT 9COMPREH5SIBLE 'ALL'40 ,AGA9 ,I 
EXCLUDE ALL ?OSE COMPROMISES BETWE5 AB/RACT & EXP]IM5TAL 
SCI5CES :I* SUPPLY ! :OLE BALLA/ ( ! SEMI-SCI5CES CALL$ 
JURIDICAL1 POLITICAL1 & HI/ORICAL4 ,9 ?OSE SEMI-SCI5CES ! 
CONCEPTION ( DEVELOPM5T & PROGRESS IS AGA9 WRONGLY 9TRODUC$1 
ONLY ) ?IS DIFF]5CE1 ?AT !RE IT WAS ! DEVELOPM5T ( 
EV]Y?+ :ILE H]E IT IS ! DEVELOPM5T ( ! LIFE ( MANK9D4  
,! ]ROR IS !RE AS BE=E3 DEVELOPM5T & PROGRESS 9 9F9ITY 
CAN HAVE NO AIM OR DIRECTION1 &1 AS F> AS MY QUE/ION IS 
CONC]N$1 NO ANSW] IS GIV54 

,9 TRULY AB/RACT SCI5CE1 NAMELY 9 G5U9E PHILOSOPHY - NOT 
9 ?AT :I* ,S*OP5HAU] CALLS 0PR(ESSORIAL PHILOSOPHY0 :I* 
S]VES ONLY TO CLASSIFY ALL EXI/+ PH5OM5A 9 NEW PHILOSOPHIC 
CATEGORIES & TO CALL !M BY NEW NAMES - :]E ! PHILOSOPH] 
DOES NOT LOSE SI<T ( ! ESS5TIAL QUE/ION1 ! REPLY IS ALWAYS 
ONE & ! SAME - ! REPLY GIV5 BY ,SOCRATES1 ,S*OP5HAU]1 
,SOLOMON1 & BUDDHA4 

0,WE APPROA* TRU? ONLY 9ASMU* AS WE DEP>T FROM LIFE01 SAID 
,SOCRATES :5 PREP>+ = DEA?4 0,= :AT DO WE1 :O LOVE 
TRU?1 /RIVE AFT] 9 LIFE8 ,TO FREE \RSELVES FROM ! BODY1 & 
FROM ALL ! EVIL ?AT IS CAUS$ BY ! LIFE ( ! BODY6 ,IF SO1 
!N H[ CAN WE FAIL TO BE GLAD :5 DEA? COMES TO US8 

0,! WISE MAN SEEKS DEA? ALL HIS LIFE & !RE=E DEA? IS 
NOT T]RIBLE TO HIM40 

,& ,S*OP5HAU] SAYS3 

0,HAV+ RECOGNIZ$ ! 9MO/ ESS5CE ( ! WORLD AS "9WILL"91 
& ALL ITS PH5OM5A - FROM ! UNCONSCI\S WORK+ ( ! 
OBSCURE =CES ( ,NATURE UP TO ! COMPLETELY CONSCI\S ACTION ( 
MAN - AS ONLY ! OBJECTIVITY ( ?AT WILL1 WE %ALL 9 NO WAY 
AVOID ! CONCLUSION ?AT TOGE!R ) ! VOLUNT>Y R5UNCIATION 
& SELF-DE/RUCTION ( ! WILL ALL ?OSE PH5OM5A ALSO 
DISAPPE>1 ?AT CON/ANT /RIV+ & EF=T )\T AIM OR RE/ ON 
ALL ! /AGES ( OBJECTIVITY 9 :I* & ?R\< :I* ! WORLD 
EXI/S2 ! DIV]SITY ( SUCCESSIVE =MS WILL DISAPPE>1 & 
TOGE!R ) ! =M ALL ! MANIFE/ATIONS ( WILL1 ) ITS 
MO/ UNIV]SAL =MS1 SPACE & TIME1 & F9ALLY ITS MO/ 
FUNDAM5TAL =M - SUBJECT & OBJECT4 ,)\T WILL !RE IS NO 
CONCEPT & NO WORLD4 ,BE=E US1 C]TA9LY1 NO?+ REMA9S4 ,BUT 
:AT RESI/S ?IS TRANSITION 9TO ANNIHILATION1 \R NATURE1 IS ONLY 
?AT SAME WI% TO LIVE - "9,WILLE ZUM ,LEB5"9 - :I* =MS 
\RSELVES AS WELL AS \R WORLD4 ,?AT WE >E SO AFRAID ( 
ANNIHILATION OR1 :AT IS ! SAME ?+1 ?AT WE SO WI% TO LIVE1 
M]ELY MEANS ?AT WE >E \RSELVES NO?+ ELSE BUT ?IS DESIRE TO 
LIVE1 & KN[ NO?+ BUT IT4 ,& SO :AT REMA9S AFT] ! 
COMPLETE ANNIHILATION ( ! WILL1 = US :O >E SO FULL ( ! 
WILL1 IS1 ( C\RSE1 NO?+2 BUT ON ! O!R H&1 = ?OSE 9 
:OM ! WILL HAS TURN$ & R5\NC$ ITSELF1 ?IS SO REAL WORLD 
( \RS ) ALL ITS SUNS & MILKY WAY IS NO?+40 

0,VANITY ( VANITIES01 SAYS ,SOLOMON - 0VANITY ( VANITIES - 
ALL IS VANITY4 ,:AT PR(IT HA? A MAN ( ALL HIS LABOR :I* HE 
TAKE? UND] ! SUN8 ,ONE G5]ATION PASSE? AWAY1 & ANO!R 
G5]ATION COMME?3 BUT ! E>? ABIDE? = EV]4444,! ?+ 
?AT HA? BE51 IS ?AT :I* %ALL BE2 & ?AT :I* IS DONE IS 
?AT :I* %ALL BE DONE3 & !RE IS NO NEW ?+ UND] ! SUN4  
,IS !RE ANY?+ :]E( IT MAY BE SAID1 ,SEE1 ?IS IS NEW8 IT HA? 
BE5 ALREADY ( OLD TIME1 :I* WAS BE=E US4 !RE IS NO 
REMEMBRANCE ( =M] ?+S2 NEI!R %ALL !RE BE ANY 
REMEMBRANCE ( ?+S ?AT >E TO COME ) ?OSE ?AT %ALL COME 
AFT]4 ,I ! ,PREA*] WAS ,K+ OV] ,ISRAEL 9 ,J]USALEM4 ,& ,I 
GAVE MY HE>T TO SEEK & SE>* \T BY WISDOM CONC]N+ ALL ?AT 
IS DONE UND] HEAV53 ?IS SORE TRAVAIL HA? ,GOD GIV5 TO ! SONS 
( MAN TO BE EX]CIS$ !RE)4 ,I HAVE SE5 ALL ! WORKS ?AT 
>E DONE UND] ! SUN2 & BEHOLD1 ALL IS VANITY & VEXATION ( 
SPIRIT4444,I COMMUN$ ) MY [N HE>T1 SAY+1 ,LO1 ,I AM COME TO 
GREAT E/ATE1 & HAVE GOTT5 MORE WISDOM ?AN ALL !Y ?AT HAVE 
BE5 BE=E ME OV] ,J]USALEM3 YEA1 MY HE>T HA? GREAT EXP]I5CE 
( WISDOM & KN[L$GE4 ,& ,I GAVE MY HE>T TO KN[ WISDOM1 & 
TO KN[ MADNESS & FOLLY3 ,I P]CEIV$ ?AT ?IS ALSO IS VEXATION 
( SPIRIT4 ,= 9 MU* WISDOM IS MU* GRIEF3 & HE ?AT 
9CREASE? KN[L$GE 9CREASE? SORR[4 

0,I SAID 9 MY HE>T1 ,GO TO N[1 ,I WILL PROVE !E ) MIR?1 
!RE=E 5JOY PLEASURE3 & BEHOLD ?IS ALSO IS VANITY4 ,I SAID ( 
LAU<T]1 ,IT IS MAD3 & ( MIR?1 ,:AT DOE? IT8 ,I S\<T 9 MY 
HE>T H[ TO *E] MY FLE% ) W9E1 & :ILE MY HE>T WAS 
GUID$ BY WISDOM1 TO LAY HOLD ON FOLLY1 TILL ,I MI<T SEE :AT IT 
WAS GOOD = ! SONS ( M5 ?AT !Y %\LD DO UND] HEAV5 ! 
NUMB] ( ! DAYS ( !IR LIFE4 ,I MADE ME GREAT WORKS2 ,I BUILT 
ME H\SES2 ,I PLANT$ ME V9EY>DS2 ,I MADE ME G>D5S & OR*>DS1 
& ,I PLANT$ TREES 9 !M ( ALL K9DS ( FRUITS3 ,I MADE ME POOLS 
( WAT]1 TO WAT] !REFROM ! =E/ :]E TREES W]E RE>$3 ,I 
GOT ME S]VANTS & MAID5S1 & HAD S]VANTS BORN 9 MY H\SE2 
ALSO ,I HAD GREAT POSSESSIONS ( H]DS & FLOCKS ABOVE ALL ?AT 
W]E BE=E ME 9 ,J]USALEM3 ,I GA!R$ ME ALSO SILV] & GOLD & 
! PECULI> TREASURE FROM K+S & FROM ! PROV9CES3 ,I GOT ME 
M5 S+]S & WOM5 S+]S2 & ! DELI<TS ( ! SONS ( M51 
AS MUSICAL 9/RUM5TS & ALL ?AT ( ALL SORTS4 ,SO ,I WAS GREAT1 
& 9CREAS$ MORE ?AN ALL ?AT W]E BE=E ME 9 ,J]USALEM3 ALSO 
MY WISDOM REMA9$ ) ME4 ,& :ATEV] M9E EYES DESIR$ ,I KEPT 
NOT FROM !M4 ,I )HELD NOT MY HE>T FROM ANY JOY4444,!N ,I 
LOOK$ ON ALL ! WORKS ?AT MY H&S HAD WR\<T1 & ON ! 
LABOR ?AT ,I HAD LABOR$ TO DO3 &1 BEHOLD1 ALL WAS VANITY & 
VEXATION ( SPIRIT1 & !RE WAS NO PR(IT FROM !M UND] ! 
SUN4 ,& ,I TURN$ MYSELF TO BEHOLD WISDOM1 & MADNESS1 & 
FOLLY4444 ,BUT ,I P]CEIV$ ?AT ONE EV5 HAPP5E? TO !M ALL4  
,!N SAID ,I 9 MY HE>T1 ,AS IT HAPP5E? TO ! FOOL1 SO IT 
HAPP5E? EV5 TO ME1 & :Y WAS ,I !N MORE WISE8 !N ,I SAID 9 
MY HE>T1 ?AT ?IS ALSO IS VANITY4 ,= !RE IS NO REMEMBRANCE ( 
! WISE MORE ?AN ( ! FOOL = EV]2 SEE+ ?AT :I* N[ IS 
9 ! DAYS TO COME %ALL ALL BE =GOTT54 ,& H[ DIE? ! WISE 
MAN8 AS ! FOOL4 ,!RE=E ,I HAT$ LIFE2 BECAUSE ! WORK ?AT IS 
WR\<T UND] ! SUN IS GRIEV\S UNTO ME3 = ALL IS VANITY & 
VEXATION ( SPIRIT4 ,YEA1 ,I HAT$ ALL MY LABOR :I* ,I HAD TAK5 
UND] ! SUN3 SEE+ ?AT ,I MU/ LEAVE IT UNTO ! MAN ?AT %ALL 
BE AFT] ME4444 ,= :AT HA? MAN ( ALL HIS LABOR1 & ( ! 
VEXATION ( HIS HE>T1 :]E9 HE HA? LABOR$ UND] ! SUN8 ,= 
ALL HIS DAYS >E SORR[S1 & HIS TRAVAIL GRIEF2 YEA1 EV5 9 ! 
NI<T HIS HE>T TAKE? NO RE/4 ?IS IS ALSO VANITY4 ,MAN IS NOT 
BLESS$ ) SECURITY ?AT HE %\LD EAT & DR9K & *E] HIS 
S\L FROM HIS [N LABOR4444 ,ALL ?+S COME ALIKE TO ALL3 !RE IS 
ONE EV5T TO ! RI<TE\S & TO ! WICK$2 TO ! GOOD & TO 
! EVIL2 TO ! CLEAN & TO ! UNCLEAN2 TO HIM ?AT SACRIFICE? 
& TO HIM ?AT SACRIFICE? NOT2 AS IS ! GOOD1 SO IS ! S9N]2 
& HE ?AT SWE>E?1 AS HE ?AT FE>E? AN OA?4 ,?IS IS AN EVIL 
9 ALL ?AT IS DONE UND] ! SUN1 ?AT !RE IS ONE EV5T UNTO 
ALL2 YEA1 ALSO ! HE>T ( ! SONS ( M5 IS FULL ( EVIL1 & 
MADNESS IS 9 !IR HE>T :ILE !Y LIVE1 & AFT] ?AT !Y GO 
TO ! DEAD4 ,= HIM ?AT IS AMONG ! LIV+ !RE IS HOPE3 = 
A LIV+ DOG IS BETT] ?AN A DEAD LION4 ,= ! LIV+ KN[ ?AT 
!Y %ALL DIE3 BUT ! DEAD KN[ NOT ANY ?+1 NEI!R HAVE !Y 
ANY MORE A REW>D2 = ! MEMORY ( !M IS =GOTT54 ALSO !IR 
LOVE1 & !IR HATR$1 & !IR 5VY1 IS N[ P]I%$2 NEI!R 
HAVE !Y ANY MORE A PORTION = EV] 9 ANY ?+ ?AT IS DONE 
UND] ! SUN40 

,SO SAID ,SOLOMON1 OR :OEV] WROTE ?OSE WORDS4 .<,FOOTNOTE3 
,TOL/OY'S V]SION DIFF]S SLI<TLY 9 A FEW PLACES FROM \R [N 
,AU?ORIZ$ OR ,REVIS$ V]SION4 ,I HAVE FOLL[$ HIS TEXT1 = 9 A 
LETT] TO ,FET1 QUOT$ ON P4 #a#h1 VOL4 II1 ( MY 0,LIFE ( ,TOL/OY10 
HE SAYS ?AT 0,! ,AU?ORIZ$ ,5GLI% V]SION .<( ,ECCLESIA/ES.> IS 
BAD40 - ,A4,M4.> 

,& ?IS IS :AT ! ,9DIAN WISDOM TELLS3 

,SAKYA ,MUNI1 A Y\NG1 HAPPY PR9CE1 FROM :OM ! EXI/5CE ( 
SICKNESS1 OLD AGE1 & DEA? HAD BE5 HIDD51 W5T \T TO DRIVE & 
SAW A T]RIBLE OLD MAN1 TOO?LESS & SLOBB]+4 ! PR9CE1 FROM 
:OM TILL !N OLD AGE HAD BE5 CONCEAL$1 WAS AMAZ$1 & ASK$ 
HIS DRIV] :AT IT WAS1 & H[ ?AT MAN HAD COME TO SU* A 
WRET*$ & DISGU/+ CONDITION1 & :5 HE LE>N$ ?AT ?IS WAS 
! COMMON FATE ( ALL M51 ?AT ! SAME ?+ 9EVITABLY AWAIT$ 
HIM - ! Y\NG PR9CE - HE C\LD NOT CONT9UE HIS DRIVE1 BUT 
GAVE ORD]S TO GO HOME1 ?AT HE MI<T CONSID] ?IS FACT4 ,SO HE 
%UT HIMSELF UP ALONE & CONSID]$ IT4 & HE PROBABLY DEVIS$ 
SOME CONSOLATION = HIMSELF1 = HE SUBSEQU5TLY AGA9 W5T \T TO 
DRIVE1 FEEL+ M]RY & HAPPY4 ,BUT ?IS TIME HE SAW A SICK MAN4  
,HE SAW AN EMACIAT$1 LIVID1 TREMBL+ MAN ) DIM EYES4 ,! 
PR9CE1 FROM :OM SICKNESS HAD BE5 CONCEAL$1 /OPP$ & ASK$ 
:AT ?IS WAS4 ,& :5 HE LE>N$ ?AT ?IS WAS SICKNESS1 TO :I* 
ALL M5 >E LIABLE1 & ?AT HE HIMSELF - A HEAL?Y & HAPPY 
PR9CE - MI<T HIMSELF FALL ILL TOMORR[1 HE AGA9 WAS 9 NO MOOD 
TO 5JOY HIMSELF BUT GAVE ORD]S TO DRIVE HOME1 & AGA9 S\<T 
SOME SOLACE1 & PROBABLY F\ND IT1 = HE DROVE \T A ?IRD TIME 
= PLEASURE4 ,BUT ?IS ?IRD TIME HE SAW ANO!R NEW SI<T3 HE SAW 
M5 C>RY+ SOME?+4 ',:AT IS ?AT8' ',A DEAD MAN4' ',:AT DOES 
"9DEAD"9 MEAN8' ASK$ ! PR9CE4 ,HE WAS TOLD ?AT TO BECOME DEAD 
MEANS TO BECOME LIKE ?AT MAN4 ,! PR9CE APPROA*$ ! CORPSE1 
UNCOV]$ IT1 & LOOK$ AT IT4 ',:AT WILL HAPP5 TO HIM N[8' 
ASK$ ! PR9CE4 ,HE WAS TOLD ?AT ! CORPSE W\LD BE BURI$ 9 
! GR\ND4 ',:Y8' ',BECAUSE HE WILL C]TA9LY NOT RETURN TO LIFE1 
& WILL ONLY PRODUCE A /5* & WORMS4' ',& IS ?AT ! FATE 
( ALL M58 ,WILL ! SAME ?+ HAPP5 TO ME8 ,WILL !Y BURY ME1 
& %ALL ,I CAUSE A /5* & BE EAT5 BY WORMS8' ',YES4' ',HOME6  
,I %ALL NOT DRIVE \T = PLEASURE1 & NEV] WILL SO DRIVE \T 
AGA96' 

,& ,SAKYA ,MUNI C\LD F9D NO CONSOLATION 9 LIFE1 & DECID$ 
?AT LIFE IS ! GREATE/ ( EVILS2 & HE DEVOT$ ALL ! /R5G? 
( HIS S\L TO FREE HIMSELF FROM IT1 & TO FREE O!RS2 & TO DO 
?IS SO ?AT1 EV5 AFT] DEA?1 LIFE %ALL NOT BE R5EW$ ANY MORE 
BUT BE COMPLETELY DE/ROY$ AT ITS V]Y ROOTS4 ,SO SPEAKS ALL ! 
WISDOM ( ,9DIA4 

,!SE >E ! DIRECT REPLIES ?AT HUMAN WISDOM GIVES :5 IT 
REPLIES TO LIFE'S QUE/ION4 

0,! LIFE ( ! BODY IS AN EVIL & A LIE4 ,!RE=E ! 
DE/RUCTION ( ! LIFE ( ! BODY IS A BLESS+1 & WE %\LD 
DESIRE IT10 SAYS ,SOCRATES4 

0,LIFE IS ?AT :I* %\LD NOT BE - AN EVIL2 & ! PASSAGE 
9TO ,NO?+NESS IS ! ONLY GOOD 9 LIFE10 SAYS ,S*OP5HAU]4 

0,ALL ?AT IS 9 ! WORLD - FOLLY & WISDOM & RI*ES & 
POV]TY & MIR? & GRIEF - IS VANITY & EMPT9ESS4 ,MAN DIES 
& NO?+ IS LEFT ( HIM4 ,& ?AT IS /UPID10 SAYS ,SOLOMON4 

0,TO LIFE 9 ! CONSCI\SNESS ( ! 9EVITABILITY ( 
SUFF]+1 ( BECOM+ 5FEEBL$1 ( OLD AGE & ( DEA?1 IS 
IMPOSSIBLE - WE MU/ FREE \RSELVES FROM LIFE1 FROM ALL POSSIBLE 
LIFE10 SAYS ,BUDDHA4 

,& :AT !SE /RONG M9DS SAID HAS BE5 SAID & ?\<T & 
FELT BY MILLIONS UPON MILLIONS ( PEOPLE LIKE !M4 ,& ,I HAVE 
?\<T IT & FELT IT4 

,SO MY W&]+ AMONG ! SCI5CES1 F> FROM FREE+ ME FROM 
MY DESPAIR1 ONLY /R5G!N$ IT4 ,ONE K9D ( KN[L$GE DID NOT 
REPLY TO LIFE'S QUE/ION1 ! O!R K9D REPLI$ DIRECTLY 
CONFIRM+ MY DESPAIR1 9DICAT+ NOT ?AT ! RESULT AT :I* ,I 
HAD >RIV$ WAS ! FRUIT ( ]ROR OR ( A DISEAS$ /ATE ( MY 
M9D1 BUT ON ! CONTR>Y ?AT ,I HAD ?\<T CORRECTLY1 & ?AT MY 
?\<TS CO9CID$ ) ! CONCLUSIONS ( ! MO/ P[]FUL ( 
HUMAN M9DS4 

,IT IS NO GOOD DECEIV+ ONESELF4 ,IT IS ALL - VANITY6 ,HAPPY 
IS HE :O HAS NOT BE5 BORN3 DEA? IS BETT] ?AN LIFE1 & ONE 
MU/ FREE ONESELF FROM LIFE4 

7,S\RCE3 ,A ,CONFESSION1 BY ,LEV ,NIKOLAYEVI* ,TOL/OY1 ,DI/RIBUT$ BY ! ,TOL/OY ,LIBR>Y ,ONL9E1 ,FIR/ DI/RIBUT$ 9 ,RUSSIA 9 #a#h#h#b1 FIR/ PUBLI%$ 9 #a#h#h#d47 

O ,P>T #g 

,NOT F9D+ AN EXPLANATION 9 SCI5CE ,I BEGAN TO SEEK = IT 
9 LIFE1 HOP+ TO F9D IT AMONG ! PEOPLE >\ND ME4 ,& ,I BEGAN 
TO OBS]VE H[ ! PEOPLE >\ND ME - PEOPLE LIKE MYSELF - LIV$1 
& :AT !IR ATTITUDE WAS TO ?IS QUE/ION :I* HAD BR\<T ME 
TO DESPAIR4 

,& ?IS IS :AT ,I F\ND AMONG PEOPLE :O W]E 9 ! SAME 
POSITION AS MYSELF AS REG>DS $UCATION & MANN] ( LIFE4 

,I F\ND ?AT = PEOPLE ( MY CIRCLE !RE W]E F\R WAYS \T 
( ! T]RIBLE POSITION 9 :I* WE >E ALL PLAC$4 

,! FIR/ WAS ?AT ( IGNORANCE4 ,IT CONSI/S 9 NOT KN[+1 
NOT UND]/&+1 ?AT LIFE IS AN EVIL & AN ABSURDITY4 ,PEOPLE 
( ?IS SORT - *IEFLY WOM51 OR V]Y Y\NG OR V]Y DULL PEOPLE - 
HAVE NOT YET UND]/OOD ?AT QUE/ION ( LIFE :I* PRES5T$ 
ITSELF TO ,S*OP5HAU]1 ,SOLOMON1 & ,BUDDHA4 ,!Y SEE NEI!R ! 
DRAGON ?AT AWAITS !M NOR ! MICE GNAW+ ! %RUB BY :I* 
!Y >E HANG+1 & !Y LICK ! DROPS ( HONEY4 BUT !Y LICK 
?OSE DROPS ( HONEY ONLY = A :ILE3 SOME?+ WILL TURN !IR 
ATT5TION TO ! DRAGON & ! MICE1 & !RE WILL BE AN 5D TO 
!IR LICK+4 ,FROM !M ,I HAD NO?+ TO LE>N - ONE CANNOT 
CEASE TO KN[ :AT ONE DOES KN[4 

,! SECOND WAY \T IS EPICUREANISM4 ,IT CONSI/S1 :ILE 
KN[+ ! HOPELESSNESS ( LIFE1 9 MAK+ USE MEAN:ILE ( ! 
ADVANTAGES ONE HAS1 DISREG>D+ ! DRAGON & ! MICE1 & 
LICK+ ! HONEY 9 ! BE/ WAY1 ESPECIALLY IF !RE IS MU* ( 
IT )9 REA*4 ,SOLOMON EXPRESSES ?IS WAY \T ?US3 0,!N ,I 
COMM5D$ MIR?1 BECAUSE A MAN HA? NO BETT] ?+ UND] ! SUN1 
?AN TO EAT1 & TO DR9K1 & TO BE M]RY3 & ?AT ?IS %\LD 
ACCOMPANY HIM 9 HIS LABOR ! DAYS ( HIS LIFE1 :I* ,GOD GIVE? 
HIM UND] ! SUN4 

0,!RE=E EAT ?Y BREAD ) JOY & DR9K ?Y W9E ) A 
M]RY HE>T4444 ,LIVE JOYFULLY ) ! WIFE :OM ?\ LOVE/ ALL 
! DAYS ( ! LIFE ( ?Y VANITY444= ?IS IS ?Y PORTION 9 
LIFE & 9 ?Y LABORS :I* ?\ TAKE/ UND] ! SUN4444 
,:ATSOEV] ?Y H& F9DE? TO DO1 DO IT ) ?Y MI<T1 = !RE 
IS NOT WORK1 NOR DEVICE1 NOR KN[L$GE1 NOR WISDOM1 9 ! GRAVE1 
:I!R ?\ GOE/40 

,?AT IS ! WAY 9 :I* ! MAJORITY ( PEOPLE ( \R CIRCLE 
MAKE LIFE POSSIBLE = !MSELVES4 ,!IR CIRCUM/ANCES FURNI% 
!M ) MORE ( WELF>E ?AN ( H>D%IP1 & !IR MORAL 
DULLNESS MAKES IT POSSIBLE = !M TO =GET ?AT ! ADVANTAGE ( 
!IR POSITION IS ACCID5TAL1 & ?AT NOT EV]YONE CAN HAVE A 
?\S& WIVES & PALACES LIKE ,SOLOMON1 ?AT = EV]YONE :O HAS 
A ?\S& WIVES !RE >E A ?\S& )\T A WIFE1 & ?AT = 
EA* PALACE !RE >E A ?\S& PEOPLE :O HAVE TO BUILD IT 9 ! 
SWEAT ( !IR BR[S2 & ?AT ! ACCID5T ?AT HAS TODAY MADE ME 
A ,SOLOMON MAY TOMORR[ MAKE ME A ,SOLOMON'S SLAVE4 ,! DULLNESS ( 
!SE PEOPLE'S IMAG9ATION 5ABLES !M TO =GET ! ?+S ?AT 
GAVE ,BUDDHA NO PEACE - ! 9EVITABILITY ( SICKNESS1 OLD AGE1 & 
DEA?1 :I* TODAY OR TOMORR[ WILL DE/ROY ALL !SE PLEASURES4 

,SO ?9K & FEEL ! MAJORITY ( PEOPLE ( \R DAY & \R 
MANN] ( LIFE4 ,! FACT ?AT SOME ( !SE PEOPLE DECL>E ! 
DULLNESS ( !IR ?\<TS & IMAG9ATIONS TO BE A PHILOSOPHY1 
:I* !Y CALL ,POSITIVE1 DOES NOT REMOVE !M1 9 MY OP9ION1 FROM 
! RANKS ( ?OSE :O1 TO AVOID SEE+ ! QUE/ION1 LICK ! 
HONEY4 ,I C\LD NOT IMITATE !SE PEOPLE2 NOT HAV+ !IR DULLNESS 
( IMAG9ATION ,I C\LD NOT >TIFICIALLY PRODUCE IT 9 MYSELF4 ,I 
C\LD NOT TE> MY EYES FROM ! MICE & ! DRAGON1 AS NO VITAL 
MAN CAN AFT] HE HAS ONCE SE5 !M4 

,! ?IRD ESCAPE IS ?AT ( /R5G? & 5]GY4 ,IT CONSI/S 
9 DE/ROY+ LIFE1 :5 ONE HAS UND]/OOD ?AT IT IS AN EVIL & 
AN ABSURDITY4 ,A FEW EXCEPTIONALLY /RONG & CONSI/5T PEOPLE ACT 
SO4 ,HAV+ UND]/OOD ! /UPIDITY ( ! JOKE ?AT HAS BE5 
PLAY$ ON !M1 & HAV+ UND]/OOD ?AT IT IS BETT] TO BE DEAD 
?AN TO BE ALIVE1 & ?AT IT IS BE/ ( ALL NOT TO EXI/1 !Y ACT 
ACCORD+LY & PROMPTLY 5D ?IS /UPID JOKE1 S9CE !RE >E 
MEANS3 A ROPE R\ND ONE'S NECK1 WAT]1 A KNIFE TO /ICK 9TO ONE'S 
HE>T1 OR ! TRA9S ON ! RAILWAYS2 & ! NUMB] ( ?OSE ( 
\R CIRCLE :O ACT 9 ?IS WAY BECOMES GREAT] & GREAT]1 & = 
! MO/ P>T !Y ACT SO AT ! BE/ TIME ( !IR LIFE1 :5 ! 
/R5G? ( !IR M9D IS 9 FULL BLOOM & FEW HABITS DEGRAD+ TO 
! M9D HAVE AS YET BE5 ACQUIR$4 

,I SAW ?AT ?IS WAS ! WOR?IE/ WAY ( ESCAPE & ,I WI%$ 
TO ADOPT IT4 

,! F\R? WAY \T IS ?AT ( WEAKNESS4 ,IT CONSI/S 9 SEE+ 
! TRU? ( ! SITUATION & YET CL++ TO LIFE1 KN[+ 9 
ADVANCE ?AT NO?+ CAN COME ( IT4 ,PEOPLE ( ?IS K9D KN[ ?AT 
DEA? IS BETT] ?AN LIFE1 BUT NOT HAV+ ! /R5G? TO ACT 
RATIONALLY - TO 5D ! DECEPTION QUICKLY & KILL !MSELVES - 
!Y SEEM TO WAIT = SOME?+4 ,?IS IS ! ESCAPE ( WEAKNESS1 
= IF ,I KN[ :AT IS BE/ & IT IS )9 MY P[]1 :Y NOT YIELD 
TO :AT IS BE/8 444 ,I F\ND MYSELF 9 ?AT CATEGORY4 

,SO PEOPLE ( MY CLASS EVADE ! T]RIBLE CONTRADICTION 9 F\R 
WAYS4 ,/RA9 MY ATT5TION AS ,I W\LD1 ,I SAW NO WAY EXCEPT ?OSE 
F\R4 ,ONE WAY WAS NOT TO UND]/& ?AT LIFE IS S5SELESS1 
VANITY1 & AN EVIL1 & ?AT IT IS BETT] NOT TO LIVE4 ,I C\LD 
NOT HELP KN[+ ?IS1 & :5 ,I ONCE KNEW IT C\LD NOT %UT MY 
EYES TO IT4 ! SECOND WAY WAS TO USE LIFE SU* AS IT IS )\T 
?9K+ ( ! FUTURE4 ,& ,I C\LD NOT DO ?AT4 ,I1 LIKE ,SAKYA 
,MUNI1 C\LD NOT RIDE \T HUNT+ :5 ,I KNEW ?AT OLD AGE1 
SUFF]+1 & DEA? EXI/4 ,MY IMAG9ATION WAS TOO VIVID4 ,NOR 
C\LD ,I REJOICE 9 ! MOM5T>Y ACCID5TS ?AT = AN 9/ANT 
?REW PLEASURE TO MY LOT4 ,! ?IRD WAY1 HAV+ UND] /OOD ?AT 
LIFE IS EVIL & /UPID1 WAS TO 5D IT BY KILL+ ONESELF4 ,I 
UND]/OOD ?AT1 BUT SOMEH[ /ILL DID NOT KILL MYSELF4 ,! F\R? 
WAY WAS TO LIVE LIKE ,SOLOMON & ,S*OP5HAU] - KN[+ ?AT LIFE 
IS A /UPID JOKE PLAY$ UPON US1 & /ILL TO GO ON LIV+1 WA%+ 
ONESELF1 DRESS+1 D9+1 TALK+1 & EV5 WRIT+ BOOKS4 ,?IS 
WAS TO ME REPULSIVE & TORM5T+1 BUT ,I REMA9$ 9 ?AT 
POSITION4 

,I SEE N[ ?AT IF ,I DID NOT KILL MYSELF IT WAS DUE TO SOME DIM 
CONSCI\SNESS ( ! 9VALIDITY ( MY ?\<TS4 ,H[EV] CONV9C+ 
& 9DUBITABLE APPE>$ TO ME ! SEQU5CE ( MY ?\<TS & ( 
?OSE ( ! WISE ?AT HAVE BR\<T US TO ! ADMISSION ( ! 
S5SELESSNESS ( LIFE1 !RE REMA9$ 9 ME A VAGUE D\BT ( ! 
JU/ICE ( MY CONCLUSION4 

,IT WAS LIKE ?IS3 ,I1 MY REASON1 HAVE ACKN[L$G$ ?AT LIFE 
IS S5SELESS4 ,IF !RE IS NO?+ HI<] ?AN REASON 7& !RE IS 
NOT3 NO?+ CAN PROVE ?AT !RE IS71 !N REASON IS ! CREATOR 
( LIFE = ME4 ,IF REASON DID NOT EXI/ !RE W\LD BE = ME NO 
LIFE4 ,H[ CAN REASON D5Y LIFE :5 IT IS ! CREATOR ( LIFE8 ,OR 
TO PUT IT ! O!R WAY3 W]E !RE NO LIFE1 MY REASON W\LD NOT 
EXI/2 !RE=E REASON IS LIFE'S SON4 ,LIFE IS ALL4 ,REASON IS ITS 
FRUIT YET REASON REJECTS LIFE ITSELF6 ,I FELT ?AT !RE WAS 
SOME?+ WRONG H]E4 

,LIFE IS A S5SELESS EVIL1 ?AT IS C]TA91 SAID ,I TO MYSELF4  
,YET ,I HAVE LIV$ & AM /ILL LIV+1 & ALL MANK9D LIV$ & 
LIVES4 ,H[ IS ?AT8 ,:Y DOES IT LIVE1 :5 IT IS POSSIBLE NOT TO 
LIVE8 ,IS IT ?AT ONLY ,I & ,S*OP5HAU] >E WISE 5\< TO 
UND]/& ! S5SELESSNESS & EVIL ( LIFE8 

,! REASON+ %[+ ! VANITY ( LIFE IS NOT SO DIFFICULT1 
& HAS LONG BE5 FAMILI> TO ! V]Y SIMPLE/ FOLK2 YET !Y HAVE 
LIV$ & /ILL LIVE4 ,H[ IS IT !Y ALL LIVE & NEV] ?9K ( 
D\BT+ ! REASONABL5ESS ( LIFE8 

,MY KN[L$GE1 CONFIRM$ BY ! WISDOM ( ! SAGES1 HAS %[N 
ME ?AT EV]Y?+ ON E>? - ORGANIC & 9ORGANIC - IS ALL MO/ 
CLEV]LY >RANG$ - ONLY MY [N POSITION IS /UPID4 & ?OSE 
FOOLS - ! 5ORM\S MASSES ( PEOPLE - KN[ NO?+ AB\T H[ 
EV]Y?+ ORGANIC & 9ORGANIC 9 ! WORLD IS >RANG$2 BUT !Y 
LIVE1 & IT SEEMS TO !M ?AT !IR LIFE IS V]Y WISELY >RANG$6 
444 

,& IT /RUCK ME3 0,BUT :AT IF !RE IS SOME?+ ,I DO NOT 
YET KN[8 ,IGNORANCE BEHAVES JU/ 9 ?AT WAY4 ,IGNORANCE ALWAYS 
SAYS JU/ :AT ,I AM SAY+4 ,:5 IT DOES NOT KN[ SOME?+1 IT 
SAYS ?AT :AT IT DOES NOT KN[ IS /UPID4 ,9DE$1 IT APPE>S ?AT 
!RE IS A :OLE HUMANITY ?AT LIV$ & LIVES AS IF IT UND]/OOD 
! MEAN+ ( ITS LIFE1 = )\T UND]/&+ IT C\LD NOT 
LIVE2 BUT ,I SAY ?AT ALL ?IS LIFE IS S5SELESS & ?AT ,I CANNOT 
LIVE4 

0,NO?+ PREV5TS \R D5Y+ LIFE BY SUICIDE4 WELL !N1 
KILL Y\RSELF1 & Y\ WON'T DISCUSS4 ,IF LIFE DISPLEASES Y\1 KILL 
Y\RSELF6 ,Y\ LIVE1 & CANNOT UND]/& ! MEAN+ ( LIFE - 
!N F9I% IT1 & DO NOT FOOL AB\T 9 LIFE1 SAY+ & WRIT+ 
?AT Y\ DO NOT UND]/& IT4 ,Y\ HAVE COME 9TO GOOD COMPANY 
:]E PEOPLE >E CONT5T$ & KN[ :AT !Y >E DO+2 IF Y\ 
F9D IT DULL & REPULSIVE - GO AWAY60 

,9DE$1 :AT >E WE :O >E CONV9C$ ( ! NECESSITY ( 
SUICIDE YET DO NOT DECIDE TO COMMIT IT1 BUT ! WEAKE/1 MO/ 
9CONSI/5T1 & TO PUT IT PLA9LY1 ! /UPIDE/ ( M51 FUSS+ 
AB\T ) \R [N /UPIDITY AS A FOOL FUSSES AB\T ) A PA9T$ 
HUSSY8 ,= \R WISDOM1 H[EV] 9DUBITABLE IT MAY BE1 HAS NOT 
GIV5 US ! KN[L$GE ( ! MEAN+ ( \R LIFE4 ,BUT ALL MANK9D 
:O SU/A9 LIFE - MILLIONS ( !M - DO NOT D\BT ! MEAN+ ( 
LIFE4 

,9DE$1 FROM ! MO/ DI/ANT TIME ( :I* ,I KN[ ANY?+1 
:5 LIFE BEGAN1 PEOPLE HAVE LIV$ KN[+ ! >GUM5T AB\T ! 
VANITY ( LIFE :I* HAS %[N ME ITS S5SELESSNESS1 & YET !Y 
LIV$ ATTRIBUT+ SOME MEAN+ TO IT4 

,FROM ! TIME :5 ANY LIFE BEGAN AMONG M5 !Y HAD ?AT 
MEAN+ ( LIFE1 & !Y L$ ?AT LIFE :I* HAS DESC5D$ TO ME4  
,ALL ?AT IS 9 ME & >\ND ME1 ALL1 CORPOREAL & 9CORPOREAL1 IS 
! FRUIT ( !IR KN[L$GE ( LIFE4 ,?OSE V]Y 9/RUM5TS ( 
?\<T ) :I* ,I CONSID] ?IS LIFE & CONDEMN IT W]E ALL 
DEVIS$ NOT BE ME BUT BY !M4 ,I MYSELF WAS BORN1 TAU<T1 & 
BR\<T UP ?ANKS TO !M4 ,!Y DUG \T ! IRON1 TAU<T US TO CUT 
D[N ! =E/S1 TAM$ ! C[S & HORSES1 TAU<T US TO S[ CORN 
& TO LIVE TOGE!R1 ORGANIZ$ \R LIFE1 & TAU<T ME TO ?9K 
& SPEAK4 ,& ,I1 !IR PRODUCT1 F$1 SUPPLI$ ) DR9K1 TAU<T 
BY !M1 ?9K+ ) !IR ?\<TS & WORDS1 HAVE >GU$ ?AT 
!Y >E AN ABSURDITY6 0,!RE IS SOME?+ WRONG10 SAID ,I TO 
MYSELF4 0,I HAVE BLUND]$ SOME:]E40 ,BUT IT WAS A LONG TIME 
BE=E ,I C\LD F9D \T :]E ! MI/AKE WAS4 

7,S\RCE3 ,A ,CONFESSION1 BY ,LEV ,NIKOLAYEVI* ,TOL/OY1 ,DI/RIBUT$ BY ! ,TOL/OY ,LIBR>Y ,ONL9E1 ,FIR/ DI/RIBUT$ 9 ,RUSSIA 9 #a#h#h#b1 FIR/ PUBLI%$ 9 #a#h#h#d47 

O ,P>T #h 

,ALL !SE D\BTS1 :I* ,I AM N[ ABLE TO EXPRESS MORE OR LESS 
SY/EMATICALLY1 ,I C\LD NOT !N HAVE EXPRESS$4 ,I !N ONLY FELT 
?AT H[EV] LOGICALLY 9EVITABLE W]E MY CONCLUSIONS CONC]N+ 
! VANITY ( LIFE1 CONFIRM$ AS !Y W]E BY ! GREATE/ 
?9K]S1 !RE WAS SOME?+ NOT RI<T AB\T !M4 ,:E!R IT WAS 
9 ! REASON+ ITSELF OR 9 ! /ATEM5T ( ! QUE/ION ,I DID 
NOT KN[ - ,I ONLY FELT ?AT ! CONCLUSION WAS RATIONALLY 
CONV9C+1 BUT ?AT ?AT WAS 9SUFFICI5T4 ,ALL !SE CONCLUSIONS 
C\LD NOT SO CONV9CE ME AS TO MAKE ME DO :AT FOLL[$ FROM MY 
REASON+1 ?AT IS TO SAY1 KILL MYSELF4 ,& ,I %\LD HAVE TOLD AN 
UNTRU? HAD ,I1 )\T KILL+ MYSELF1 SAID ?AT REASON HAD BR\<T 
ME TO ! PO9T ,I HAD REA*$4 ,REASON WORK$1 BUT SOME?+ ELSE 
WAS ALSO WORK+ :I* ,I CAN ONLY CALL A CONSCI\SNESS ( LIFE4 ,A 
=CE WAS WORK+ :I* COMPELL$ ME TO TURN MY ATT5TION TO ?IS 
& NOT TO ?AT2 & IT WAS ?IS =CE :I* EXTRICAT$ ME FROM MY 
DESP]ATE SITUATION & TURN$ MY M9D 9 QUITE ANO!R DIRECTION4  
,?IS =CE COMPELL$ ME TO TURN MY ATT5TION TO ! FACT ?AT ,I & 
A FEW HUNDR$ SIMIL> PEOPLE >E NOT ! :OLE ( MANK9D1 & ?AT 
,I DID NOT YET KN[ ! LIFE ( MANK9D4 

,LOOK+ AT ! N>R[ CIRCLE ( MY EQUALS1 ,I SAW ONLY PEOPLE 
:O HAD NOT UND]/OOD ! QUE/ION1 OR :O HAD UND]/OOD IT & 
DR[N$ IT 9 LIFE'S 9TOXICATION1 OR HAD UND]/OOD IT & 5D$ 
!IR LIVES1 OR HAD UND]/OOD IT & YET FROM WEAKNESS W]E LIV+ 
\T !IR DESP]ATE LIFE4 ,& ,I SAW NO O!RS4 ,IT SEEM$ TO ME 
?AT ?AT N>R[ CIRCLE ( RI*1 LE>N$1 & LEISUR$ PEOPLE TO 
:I* ,I BELONG$ =M$ ! :OLE ( HUMANITY1 & ?AT ?OSE 
MILLI>DS ( O!RS :O HAVE LIV$ & >E LIV+ W]E CATTLE ( 
SOME SORT - NOT REAL PEOPLE4 

,/RANGE1 9CR$IBLY 9COMPREH5SIBLE AS IT N[ SEEMS TO ME 
?AT ,I C\LD1 :ILE REASON+ AB\T LIFE1 OV]LOOK ! :OLE LIFE 
( MANK9D ?AT SURR\ND$ ME ON ALL SIDES2 ?AT ,I C\LD TO SU* A 
DEGREE BLUND] SO ABSURDLY AS TO ?9K ?AT MY LIFE1 & ,SOLOMON'S 
& ,S*OP5HAU]'S1 IS ! REAL1 NORMAL LIFE1 & ?AT ! LIFE ( 
! MILLI>DS IS A CIRCUM/ANCE UNDES]V+ ( ATT5TION - /RANGE 
AS ?IS N[ IS TO ME1 ,I SEE ?AT SO IT WAS4 ,9 ! DELUSION ( MY 
PRIDE ( 9TELLECT IT SEEM$ TO ME SO 9DUBITABLE ?AT ,I & 
,SOLOMON & ,S*OP5HAU] HAD /AT$ ! QUE/ION SO TRULY & 
EXACTLY ?AT NO?+ ELSE WAS POSSIBLE - SO 9DUBITABLE DID IT 
SEEM ?AT ALL ?OSE MILLI>DS CONSI/$ ( M5 :O HAD NOT YET 
>RIV$ AT AN APPREH5SION ( ALL ! PR(UNDITY ( ! QUE/ION - 
?AT ,I S\<T = ! MEAN+ ( MY LIFE )\T IT ONCE OCCURR+ 
TO ME TO ASK3 0,BUT :AT MEAN+ IS & HAS BE5 GIV5 TO !IR 
LIVES BY ALL ! MILLI>DS ( COMMON FOLK :O LIVE & HAVE LIV$ 
9 ! WORLD80 

,I LONG LIV$ 9 ?IS /ATE ( LUNACY1 :I*1 9 FACT IF NOT 9 
WORDS1 IS P>TICUL>LY *>ACT]I/IC ( US V]Y LIB]AL & 
LE>N$ PEOPLE4 ,BUT ?ANKS EI!R TO ! /RANGE PHYSICAL 
AFFECTION ,I HAVE = ! REAL LABOR+ PEOPLE1 :I* COMPELL$ ME 
TO UND]/& !M & TO SEE ?AT !Y >E NOT SO /UPID AS WE 
SUPPOSE1 OR ?ANKS TO ! S9C]ITY ( MY CONVICTION ?AT ,I C\LD 
KN[ NO?+ BEYOND ! FACT ?AT ! BE/ ,I C\LD DO WAS TO HANG 
MYSELF1 AT ANY RATE ,I 9/9CTIVELY FELT ?AT IF ,I WI%$ TO LIVE 
& UND]/& ! MEAN+ ( LIFE1 ,I MU/ SEEK ?IS MEAN+ NOT 
AMONG ?OSE :O HAVE LO/ IT & WI% TO KILL !MSELVES1 BUT AMONG 
?OSE MILLI>DS ( ! PA/ & ! PRES5T :O MAKE LIFE & :O 
SUPPORT ! BURD5 ( !IR [N LIVES & ( \RS ALSO4 ,& ,I 
CONSID]$ ! 5ORM\S MASSES ( ?OSE SIMPLE1 UNLE>N$1 & POOR 
PEOPLE :O HAVE LIV$ & >E LIV+ & ,I SAW SOME?+ QUITE 
DIFF]5T4 ,I SAW ?AT1 ) R>E EXCEPTIONS1 ALL ?OSE MILLI>DS 
:O HAVE LIV$ & >E LIV+ DO NOT FIT 9TO MY DIVISIONS1 & 
?AT ,I C\LD NOT CLASS !M AS NOT UND]/&+ ! QUE/ION1 = 
!Y !MSELVES /ATE IT & REPLY TO IT ) EXTRAORD9>Y 
CLE>NESS4 ,NOR C\LD ,I CONSID] !M EPICUREANS1 = !IR LIFE 
CONSI/S MORE ( PRIVATIONS & SUFF]+S ?AN ( 5JOYM5TS4  
,/ILL LESS C\LD ,I CONSID] !M AS IRRATIONALLY DRAGG+ ON A 
MEAN+LESS EXI/5CE1 = EV]Y ACT ( !IR LIFE1 AS WELL AS 
DEA? ITSELF1 IS EXPLA9$ BY !M4 ,TO KILL !MSELVES !Y 
CONSID] ! GREATE/ EVIL4 ,IT APPE>$ ?AT ALL MANK9D HAD A 
KN[L$GE1 UNACKN[L$G$ & DESPIS$ BY ME1 ( ! MEAN+ ( 
LIFE4 ,IT APPE>$ ?AT REASONABLE KN[L$GE DOES NOT GIVE ! 
MEAN+ ( LIFE1 BUT EXCLUDES LIFE3 :ILE ! MEAN+ ATTRIBUT$ TO 
LIFE BY MILLI>DS ( PEOPLE1 BY ALL HUMANITY1 RE/S ON SOME 
DESPIS$ PSEUDO-KN[L$GE4 

,RATIONAL KN[L$GE PRES5T$ BY ! LE>N$ & WISE1 D5IES 
! MEAN+ ( LIFE1 BUT ! 5ORM\S MASSES ( M51 ! :OLE ( 
MANK9D RECEIVE ?AT MEAN+ 9 IRRATIONAL KN[L$GE4 ,& ?AT 
IRRATIONAL KN[L$GE IS FAI?1 ?AT V]Y ?+ :I* ,I C\LD NOT 
BUT REJECT4 ,IT IS ,GOD1 ,ONE 9 ,?REE2 ! CREATION 9 SIX DAYS2 ! 
DEVILS & ANGELS1 & ALL ! RE/ ?AT ,I CANNOT ACCEPT AS LONG AS 
,I RETA9 MY REASON4 

,MY POSITION WAS T]RIBLE4 ,I KNEW ,I C\LD F9D NO?+ ALONG 
! PA? ( REASONABLE KN[L$GE EXCEPT A D5IAL ( LIFE2 & !RE 
- 9 FAI? - WAS NO?+ BUT A D5IAL ( REASON1 :I* WAS YET 
MORE IMPOSSIBLE = ME ?AN A D5IAL ( LIFE4 ,FROM RATIONAL 
KN[L$GE IT APPE>$ ?AT LIFE IS AN EVIL1 PEOPLE KN[ ?IS & IT 
IS 9 !IR P[] TO 5D LIFE2 YET !Y LIV$ & /ILL LIVE1 & 
,I MYSELF LIVE1 ?\< ,I HAVE LONG KN[N ?AT LIFE IS S5SELESS & 
AN EVIL4 ,BY FAI? IT APPE>S ?AT 9 ORD] TO UND]/& ! 
MEAN+ ( LIFE ,I MU/ R5\NCE MY REASON1 ! V]Y ?+ = :I* 
ALONE A MEAN+ IS REQUIR$4 

7,S\RCE3 ,A ,CONFESSION1 BY ,LEV ,NIKOLAYEVI* ,TOL/OY1 ,DI/RIBUT$ BY ! ,TOL/OY ,LIBR>Y ,ONL9E1 ,FIR/ DI/RIBUT$ 9 ,RUSSIA 9 #a#h#h#b1 FIR/ PUBLI%$ 9 #a#h#h#d47 

O ,P>T #i 

,A CONTRADICTION >OSE FROM :I* !RE W]E TWO EXITS4 ,EI!R 
?AT :I* ,I CALL$ REASON WAS NOT SO RATIONAL AS ,I SUPPOS$1 OR 
?AT :I* SEEM$ TO ME IRRATIONAL WAS NOT SO IRRATIONAL AS ,I 
SUPPOS$4 ,& ,I BEGAN TO V]IFY ! L9E ( >GUM5T ( MY 
RATIONAL KN[L$GE4 

,V]IFY+ ! L9E ( >GUM5T ( RATIONAL KN[L$GE ,I F\ND 
IT QUITE CORRECT4 ,! CONCLUSION ?AT LIFE IS NO?+ WAS 
9EVITABLE2 BUT ,I NOTIC$ A MI/AKE4 ,! MI/AKE LAY 9 ?IS1 ?AT 
MY REASON+ WAS NOT 9 ACCORD ) ! QUE/ION ,I HAD PUT4 ,! 
QUE/ION WAS3 0,:Y %\LD ,I LIVE1 ?AT IS TO SAY1 :AT REAL1 
P]MAN5T RESULT WILL COME \T ( MY ILLUSORY TRANSITORY LIFE - 
:AT MEAN+ HAS MY F9ITE EXI/5CE 9 ?IS 9F9ITE WORLD80 ,& 
TO REPLY TO ?AT QUE/ION ,I HAD /UDI$ LIFE4 

,! SOLUTION ( ALL ! POSSIBLE QUE/IONS ( LIFE C\LD 
EVID5TLY NOT SATISFY ME1 = MY QUE/ION1 SIMPLE AS IT AT FIR/ 
APPE>$1 9CLUD$ A DEM& = AN EXPLANATION ( ! F9ITE 9 
T]MS ( ! 9F9ITE1 & VISE V]SA4 

,I ASK$3 0,:AT IS ! MEAN+ ( MY LIFE1 BEYOND TIME1 CAUSE1 
& SPACE80 ,& ,I REPLI$ TO QUITE ANO!R QUE/ION3 0,:AT IS ! 
MEAN+ ( MY LIFE )9 TIME1 CAUSE1 & SPACE80 ,) ! 
RESULT ?AT1 AFT] LONG EF=TS ( ?\<T1 ! ANSW] ,I REA*$ 
WAS3 0,NONE40 

,9 MY REASON+S ,I CON/ANTLY COMP>$ 7NOR C\LD ,I DO 
O!RWISE7 ! F9ITE ) ! F9ITE1 & ! 9F9ITE ) ! 
9F9ITE2 BUT = ?AT REASON ,I REA*$ ! 9EVITABLE RESULT3  
=CE IS =CE1 MATT] IS MATT]1 WILL IS WILL1 ! 9F9ITE IS ! 
9F9ITE1 NO?+ IS NO?+ - & ?AT WAS ALL ?AT C\LD RESULT4 

,IT WAS SOME?+ LIKE :AT HAPP5S 9 MA!MATICS1 :5 
?9K+ TO SOLVE AN EQUATION1 WE F9D WE >E WORK+ ON AN 
ID5TITY4 ! L9E ( REASON+ IS CORRECT1 BUT RESULTS 9 ! 
ANSW] ?AT A EQUALS A1 OR X EQUALS X1 OR O EQUALS O4 ! SAME 
?+ HAPP5$ ) MY REASON+ 9 RELATION TO ! QUE/ION ( ! 
MEAN+ ( MY LIFE4 ,! REPLIES GIV5 BY ALL SCI5CE TO ?AT 
QUE/ION ONLY RESULT 9 - ID5TITY4 

,& REALLY1 /RICTLY SCI5TIFIC KN[L$GE - ?AT KN[L$GE 
:I* BEG9S1 AS ,DESC>TES'S DID1 ) COMPLETE D\BT AB\T 
EV]Y?+ - REJECTS ALL KN[L$GE ADMITT$ ON FAI? & BUILDS 
EV]Y?+ AFRE% ON ! LAWS ( REASON & EXP]I5CE1 & CANNOT 
GIVE ANY O!R REPLY TO ! QUE/ION ( LIFE ?AN ?AT :I* ,I 
OBTA9$3 AN 9DEF9ITE REPLY4 ,ONLY AT FIR/ HAD IT SEEM$ TO ME 
?AT KN[L$GE HAD GIV5 A POSITIVE REPLY - ! REPLY ( 
,S*OP5HAU]3 ?AT LIFE HAS NO MEAN+ & IS AN EVIL4 ,BUT ON 
EXAM9+ ! MATT] ,I UND]/OOD ?AT ! REPLY IS NOT POSITIVE1 
IT WAS ONLY MY FEEL+ ?AT SO EXPRESS$ IT4 ,/RICTLY EXPRESS$1 
AS IT IS BY ! ,BRAHM9S & BY ,SOLOMON & ,S*OP5HAU]1 ! REPLY 
IS M]ELY 9DEF9ITE1 OR AN ID5TITY3 O EQUALS O1 LIFE IS NO?+4  
,SO ?AT PHILOSOPHIC KN[L$GE D5IES NO?+1 BUT ONLY REPLIES ?AT 
! QUE/ION CANNOT BE SOLV$ BY IT - ?AT = IT ! SOLUTION 
REMA9S 9DEF9ITE4 

,HAV+ UND]/OOD ?IS1 ,I UND]/OOD ?AT IT WAS NOT POSSIBLE 
TO SEEK 9 RATIONAL KN[L$GE = A REPLY TO MY QUE/ION1 & ?AT 
! REPLY GIV5 BY RATIONAL KN[L$GE IS A M]E 9DICATION ?AT A 
REPLY CAN ONLY BE OBTA9$ BY A DIFF]5T /ATEM5T ( ! QUE/ION 
& ONLY :5 ! RELATION ( ! F9ITE TO ! 9F9ITE IS 
9CLUD$ 9 ! QUE/ION4 ,& ,I UND]/OOD ?AT1 H[EV] 
IRRATIONAL & DI/ORT$ MI<T BE ! REPLIES GIV5 BY FAI?1 !Y 
HAVE ?IS ADVANTAGE1 ?AT !Y 9TRODUCE 9TO EV]Y ANSW] A 
RELATION BETWE5 ! F9ITE & ! 9F9ITE1 )\T :I* !RE 
CAN BE NO SOLUTION4 

,9 :ATEV] WAY ,I /AT$ ! QUE/ION1 ?AT RELATION APPE>$ 
9 ! ANSW]4 ,H[ AM ,I TO LIVE8 - ,ACCORD+ TO ! LAW ( ,GOD4  
,:AT REAL RESULT WILL COME ( MY LIFE8 - ,ET]NAL TORM5T OR 
ET]NAL BLISS4 ,:AT MEAN+ HAS LIFE ?AT DEA? DOES NOT DE/ROY8  
- ,UNION ) ! ET]NAL ,GOD3 HEAV54 

,SO ?AT BESIDES RATIONAL KN[L$GE1 :I* HAD SEEM$ TO ME ! 
ONLY KN[L$GE1 ,I WAS 9EVITABLY BR\<T TO ACKN[L$GE ?AT ALL 
LIVE HUMANITY HAS ANO!R IRRATIONAL KN[L$GE - FAI? :I* MAKES 
IT POSSIBLE TO LIVE4 ,FAI? /ILL REMA9$ TO ME AS IRRATIONAL AS 
IT WAS BE=E1 BUT ,I C\LD NOT BUT ADMIT ?AT IT ALONE GIVES 
MANK9D A REPLY TO ! QUE/IONS ( LIFE1 & ?AT CONSEQU5TLY IT 
MAKES LIFE POSSIBLE4 ,REASONABLE KN[L$GE HAD BR\<T ME TO 
ACKN[L$GE ?AT LIFE IS S5SELESS - MY LIFE HAD COME TO A HALT 
& ,I WI%$ TO DE/ROY MYSELF4 ,LOOK+ >\ND ON ! :OLE ( 
MANK9D ,I SAW ?AT PEOPLE LIVE & DECL>E ?AT !Y KN[ ! 
MEAN+ ( LIFE4 ,I LOOK$ AT MYSELF - ,I HAD LIV$ AS LONG AS ,I 
KNEW A MEAN+ ( LIFE & HAD MADE LIFE POSSIBLE4 

,LOOK+ AGA9 AT PEOPLE ( O!R L&S1 AT MY CONTEMPOR>IES 
& AT !IR PR$ECESSORS1 ,I SAW ! SAME ?+4 ,:]E !RE IS 
LIFE1 !RE S9CE MAN BEGAN FAI? HAS MADE LIFE POSSIBLE = HIM1 
& ! *IEF \TL9E ( ?AT FAI? IS EV]Y:]E & ALWAYS 
ID5TICAL4 

,:ATEV] ! FAI? MAY BE1 & :ATEV] ANSW]S IT MAY GIVE1 
& TO :OMSOEV] IT GIVES !M1 EV]Y SU* ANSW] GIVES TO ! 
F9ITE EXI/5CE ( MAN AN 9F9ITE MEAN+1 A MEAN+ NOT 
DE/ROY$ BY SUFF]+S1 DEPRIVATIONS1 OR DEA?4 ,?IS MEANS ?AT 
ONLY 9 FAI? CAN WE F9D = LIFE A MEAN+ & A POSSIBILITY4  
,:AT1 !N1 IS ?IS FAI?8 ,& ,I UND]/OOD ?AT FAI? IS NOT 
M]ELY 0! EVID5CE ( ?+S NOT SE501 ETC41 & IS NOT A 
REVELATION 7?AT DEF9ES ONLY ONE ( ! 9DICATIONS ( FAI?1 IS 
NOT ! RELATION ( MAN TO ,GOD 7ONE HAS FIR/ TO DEF9E FAI? & 
!N ,GOD1 & NOT DEF9E FAI? ?R\< ,GOD72 IT NOT ONLY AGREEM5T 
) :AT HAS BE5 TOLD ONE 7AS FAI? IS MO/ USUALLY SUPPOS$ TO 
BE71 BUT FAI? IS A KN[L$GE ( ! MEAN+ ( HUMAN LIFE 9 
CONSEQU5CE ( :I* MAN DOES NOT DE/ROY HIMSELF BUT LIVES4 ,FAI? 
IS ! /R5G? ( LIFE4 ,IF A MAN LIVES HE BELIEVES 9 SOME?+4  
,IF HE DID NOT BELIEVE ?AT ONE MU/ LIVE = SOME?+1 HE W\LD 
NOT LIVE4 ,IF HE DOES NOT SEE & RECOGNIZE ! ILLUSORY NATURE ( 
! F9ITE1 HE BELIEVES 9 ! F9ITE2 IF HE UND]/&S ! 
ILLUSORY NATURE ( ! F9ITE1 HE MU/ BELIEVE 9 ! 9F9ITE4  
,)\T FAI? HE CANNOT LIVE4 

,& ,I RECALL$ ! :OLE C\RSE ( MY M5TAL LABOR & WAS 
HORRIFI$4 ,IT WAS N[ CLE> TO ME ?AT = MAN TO BE ABLE TO LIVE 
HE MU/ EI!R NOT SEE ! 9F9ITE1 OR HAVE SU* AN EXPLANATION ( 
! MEAN+ ( LIFE AS WILL CONNECT ! F9ITE ) ! 9F9ITE4  
,SU* AN EXPLANATION ,I HAD HAD2 BUT AS LONG AS ,I BELIEV$ 9 ! 
F9ITE ,I DID NOT NE$ ! EXPLANATION1 & ,I BEGAN TO V]IFY IT BY 
REASON4 ,& 9 ! LI<T ( REASON ! :OLE ( MY =M] 
EXPLANATION FLEW TO ATOMS4 ,BUT A TIME CAME :5 ,I CEAS$ TO 
BELIEVE 9 ! F9ITE4 ,& !N ,I BEGAN TO BUILD UP ON RATIONAL 
F\NDATIONS1 \T ( :AT ,I KNEW1 AN EXPLANATION :I* W\LD GIVE A 
MEAN+ TO LIFE2 BUT NO?+ C\LD ,I BUILD4 ,TOGE!R ) ! BE/ 
HUMAN 9TELLECTS ,I REA*$ ! RESULT ?AT O EQUALS O1 & WAS MU* 
A/ONI%$ AT ?AT CONCLUSION1 ?\< NO?+ ELSE C\LD HAVE 
RESULT$4 

,:AT WAS ,I DO+ :5 ,I S\<T AN ANSW] 9 ! EXP]IM5TAL 
SCI5CES8 ,I WI%$ TO KN[ :Y ,I LIVE1 & = ?IS PURPOSE 
/UDI$ ALL ?AT IS \TSIDE ME4 ,EVID5TLY ,I MI<T LE>N MU*1 BUT 
NO?+ ( :AT ,I NE$$4 

,:AT WAS ,I DO+ :5 ,I S\<T AN ANSW] 9 PHILOSOPHICAL 
KN[L$GE8 ,I WAS /UDY+ ! ?\<TS ( ?OSE :O HAD F\ND 
!MSELVES 9 ! SAME POSITION AS ,I1 LACK+ A REPLY TO ! 
QUE/ION 0:Y DO ,I LIVE80 ,EVID5TLY ,I C\LD LE>N NO?+ BUT :AT 
,I KNEW MYSELF1 NAMELY ?AT NO?+ CAN BE KN[N4 

,:AT AM ,I8 - ,A P>T ( ! 9F9ITE4 ,9 ?OSE FEW WORDS LIES 
! :OLE PROBLEM4 

,IS IT POSSIBLE ?AT HUMANITY HAS ONLY PUT ?AT QUE/ION TO 
ITSELF S9CE YE/]DAY8 ,& CAN NO ONE BE=E ME HAVE SET HIMSELF 
?AT QUE/ION - A QUE/ION SO SIMPLE1 & ONE ?AT SPR+S TO ! 
TONGUE ( EV]Y WISE *ILD8 

,SURELY ?AT QUE/ION HAS BE5 ASK$ S9CE MAN BEGAN2 & 
NATURALLY = ! SOLUTION ( ?AT QUE/ION S9CE MAN BEGAN IT HAS 
BE5 EQUALLY 9SUFFICI5T TO COMP>E ! F9ITE ) ! F9ITE & 
! 9F9ITE ) ! 9F9ITE1 & S9CE MAN BEGAN ! RELATION ( 
! F9ITE TO ! 9F9ITE HAS BE5 S\<T \T & EXPRESS$4 

,ALL !SE CONCEPTIONS 9 :I* ! F9ITE HAS BE5 ADJU/$ TO 
! 9F9ITE & A MEAN+ F\ND = LIFE - ! CONCEPTION ( ,GOD1 
( WILL1 ( GOODNESS - WE SUBMIT TO LOGICAL EXAM9ATION4 ,& ALL 
?OSE CONCEPTIONS FAIL TO /& REASON'S CRITICISM4 

,W]E IT NOT SO T]RIBLE IT W\LD BE LUDICR\S ) :AT PRIDE 
& SELF-SATISFACTION WE1 LIKE *ILDR51 PULL ! WAT* TO PIECES1 
TAKE \T ! SPR+1 MAKE A TOY ( IT1 & >E !N SURPRIS$ ?AT 
! WAT* DOES NOT GO4 

,A SOLUTION ( ! CONTRADICTION BETWE5 ! F9ITE & ! 
9F9ITE1 & SU* A REPLY TO ! QUE/ION ( LIFE AS WILL MAKE IT 
POSSIBLE TO LIVE1 IS NECESS>Y & PRECI\S4 ,& ?AT IS ! ONLY 
SOLUTION :I* WE F9D EV]Y:]E1 ALWAYS1 & AMONG ALL PEOPLES3  
A SOLUTION DESC5D+ FROM TIMES 9 :I* WE LOSE SI<T ( ! LIFE 
( MAN1 A SOLUTION SO DIFFICULT ?AT WE CAN COMPOSE NO?+ LIKE IT 
- & ?IS SOLUTION WE LI<!>T$LY DE/ROY 9 ORD] AGA9 TO 
SET ! SAME QUE/ION1 :I* IS NATURAL TO EV]YONE & TO :I* WE 
HAVE NO ANSW]4 

,! CONCEPTION ( AN 9F9ITE GOD1 ! DIV9ITY ( ! S\L1 
! CONNECTION ( HUMAN AFFAIRS ) ,GOD1 ! UNITY & EXI/5CE ( 
! S\L1 MAN'S CONCEPTION ( MORAL GOODNESS & EVIL - >E 
CONCEPTIONS =MULAT$ 9 ! HIDD5 9F9ITY ( HUMAN ?\<T1 
!Y >E ?OSE CONCEPTIONS )\T :I* NEI!R LIFE NOR ,I %\LD 
EXI/2 YET REJECT+ ALL ?AT LABOR ( ! :OLE ( HUMANITY1 ,I 
WI%$ TO REMAKE IT AFRE% MYSELF & 9 MY [N MANN]4 

,I DID NOT !N ?9K LIKE ?AT1 BUT ! G]MS ( !SE 
?\<TS W]E ALREADY 9 ME4 ,I UND]/OOD1 9 ! FIR/ PLACE1 
?AT MY POSITION ) ,S*OP5HAU] & ,SOLOMON1 NOT)/&+ \R 
WISDOM1 WAS /UPID3 WE SEE ?AT LIFE IS AN EVIL & YET CONT9UE 
TO LIVE4 ,?AT IS EVID5TLY /UPID1 = IF LIFE IS S5SELESS & ,I 
AM SO FOND ( :AT IS REASONABLE1 IT %\LD BE DE/ROY$1 & !N 
!RE W\LD BE NO ONE TO *ALL5GE IT4 ,SECONDLY1 ,I UND]/OOD ?AT 
ALL ONE'S REASON+S TURN$ 9 A VICI\S CIRCLE LIKE A :EEL \T ( 
GE> ) ITS P9ION4 ,H[EV] MU* & H[EV] WELL WE MAY REASON 
WE CANNOT OBTA9 A REPLY TO ! QUE/ION2 & O WILL ALWAYS EQUAL 
O1 & !RE=E \R PA? IS PROBABLY ]RONE\S4 ,?IRDLY1 ,I BEGAN 
TO UND]/& ?AT 9 ! REPLIES GIV5 BY FAI? IS /OR$ UP ! 
DEEPE/ HUMAN WISDOM & ?AT ,I HAD NO RI<T TO D5Y !M ON ! 
GR\ND ( REASON1 & ?AT ?OSE ANSW]S >E ! ONLY ONES :I* 
REPLY TO LIFE'S QUE/ION4 

7,S\RCE3 ,A ,CONFESSION1 BY ,LEV ,NIKOLAYEVI* ,TOL/OY1 ,DI/RIBUT$ BY ! ,TOL/OY ,LIBR>Y ,ONL9E1 ,FIR/ DI/RIBUT$ 9 ,RUSSIA 9 #a#h#h#b1 FIR/ PUBLI%$ 9 #a#h#h#d47 

O ,P>T #a 

,I UND]/OOD ?IS1 BUT IT MADE MATT]S NO BETT] = ME4 ,I 
WAS N[ READY TO ACCEPT ANY FAI? IF ONLY IT DID NOT DEM& ( ME 
A DIRECT D5IAL ( REASON - :I* W\LD BE A FALSEHOOD4 ,& ,I 
/UDI$ ,BUDDHISM & ,MOHAMM$ANISM FROM BOOKS1 & MO/ ( ALL ,I 
/UDI$ ,*RI/IANITY BO? FROM BOOKS & FROM ! PEOPLE >\ND ME4 

,NATURALLY ,I FIR/ ( ALL TURN$ TO ! OR?ODOX ( MY CIRCLE1 
TO PEOPLE :O W]E LE>N$3 TO ,*UR* !OLOGIANS1 MONKS1 TO 
!OLOGIANS ( ! NEWE/ %ADE1 & EV5 TO ,EVANGELICALS :O 
PR(ESS SALVATION BY BELIEF 9 ! ,R$EMPTION4 ,& ,I SEIZ$ ON 
!SE BELIEV]S & QUE/ION$ !M AS TO !IR BELIEFS & !IR 
UND]/&+ ( ! MEAN+ ( LIFE4 

,BUT ?\< ,I MADE ALL POSSIBLE CONCESSIONS1 & AVOID$ ALL 
DISPUTES1 ,I C\LD NOT ACCEPT ! FAI? ( !SE PEOPLE4 ,I SAW ?AT 
:AT !Y GAVE \T AS !IR FAI? DID NOT EXPLA9 ! MEAN+ ( 
LIFE BUT OBSCUR$ IT1 & ?AT !Y !MSELVES AFFIRM !IR BELIEF 
NOT TO ANSW] ?AT QUE/ION ( LIFE :I* BR\<T ME TO FAI?1 BUT 
= SOME O!R AIMS ALI5 TO ME4 

,I REMEMB] ! PA9FUL FEEL+ ( FE> ( BE+ ?R[N BACK 
9TO MY =M] /ATE ( DESPAIR1 AFT] ! HOPE ,I (T5 & (T5 
EXP]I5C$ 9 MY 9T]C\RSE ) !SE PEOPLE4 

,! MORE FULLY !Y EXPLA9$ TO ME !IR DOCTR9ES1 ! MORE 
CLE>LY DID ,I P]CEIVE !IR ]ROR & REALIZ$ ?AT MY HOPE ( 
F9D+ 9 !IR BELIEF AN EXPLANATION ( ! MEAN+ ( LIFE WAS 
VA94 

,IT WAS NOT ?AT 9 !IR DOCTR9ES !Y MIX$ MANY UNNECESS>Y 
& UNREASONABLE ?+S ) ! ,*RI/IAN TRU?S ?AT HAD ALWAYS 
BE5 NE> TO ME3 ?AT WAS NOT :AT REPELL$ ME4 ,I WAS REPELL$ BY 
! FACT ?AT !SE PEOPLE'S LIVES W]E LIKE MY [N1 ) ONLY ?IS 
DIFF]5CE - ?AT SU* A LIFE DID NOT CORRESPOND TO ! PR9CIPLES 
!Y EXP\ND$ 9 !IR TEA*+S4 ,I CLE>LY FELT ?AT !Y 
DECEIV$ !MSELVES & ?AT !Y1 LIKE MYSELF F\ND NO O!R 
MEAN+ 9 LIFE ?AN TO LIVE :ILE LIFE LA/S1 TAK+ ALL ONE'S 
H&S CAN SEIZE4 ,I SAW ?IS BECAUSE IF !Y HAD HAD A MEAN+ 
:I* DE/ROY$ ! FE> ( LOSS1 SUFF]+1 & DEA?1 !Y W\LD 
NOT HAVE FE>$ !SE ?+S4 ,BUT !Y1 !SE BELIEV]S ( \R 
CIRCLE1 JU/ LIKE MYSELF1 LIV+ 9 SUFFICI5CY & SUP]FLUITY1 
TRI$ TO 9CREASE OR PRES]VE !M1 FE>$ PRIVATIONS1 SUFF]+1 
& DEA?1 & JU/ LIKE MYSELF & ALL ( US UNBELIEV]S1 LIV$ TO 
SATISFY !IR DESIRES1 & LIV$ JU/ AS BADLY1 IF NOT WORSE1 ?AN 
! UNBELIEV]S4 

,NO >GUM5TS C\LD CONV9CE ME ( ! TRU? ( !IR FAI?4  
,ONLY DE$S :I* %[$ ?AT !Y SAW A MEAN+ 9 LIFE MAK+ :AT 
WAS SO DREADFUL TO ME - POV]TY1 SICKNESS1 & DEA? - NOT 
DREADFUL TO !M1 C\LD CONV9CE ME4 ,& SU* DE$S ,I DID NOT SEE 
AMONG ! V>I\S BELIEV]S 9 \R CIRCLE4 ,ON ! CONTR>Y1 ,I SAW 
SU* DE$S DONE .<,FOOTNOTE3 ?IS PASSAGE IS NOTEWOR?Y AS BE+ ONE 
( ! FEW REF]5CES MADE BY ,TOL/OY AT ?IS P]IOD TO ! 
REVOLUTION>Y OR 0,BACK-TO-!-,PEOPLE0 MOVEM5T1 9 :I* MANY Y\NG 
M5 & WOM5 W]E RISK+ & SACRIFIC+ HOME1 PROP]TY1 & LIFE 
ITSELF FROM MOTIVES :I* HAD MU* 9 COMMON ) HIS [N 
P]CEPTION ?AT ! UPP] LAY]S ( ,SOCIETY >E P>ASITIC & PREY 
ON ! VITALS ( ! PEOPLE :O SUPPORT !M4 - ,A4,M4.> BY PEOPLE ( 
\R CIRCLE :O W]E ! MO/ UNBELIEV+1 BUT NEV] BY \R SO- 
CALL$ BELIEV]S4 

,& ,I UND]/OOD ?AT ! BELIEF ( !SE PEOPLE WAS NOT ! 
FAI? ,I S\<T1 & ?AT !IR FAI? IS NOT A REAL FAI? BUT AN 
EPICUREAN CONSOLATION 9 LIFE4 

,I UND]/OOD ?AT ?AT FAI? MAY P]HAPS S]VE1 IF NOT = A 
CONSOLATION AT LEA/ = SOME DI/RACTION = A REP5TANT ,SOLOMON 
ON HIS DEA?-B$1 BUT IT CANNOT S]VE = ! GREAT MAJORITY ( 
MANK9D1 :O >E CALL$ ON NOT TO AMUSE !MSELVES :ILE CONSUM+ 
! LABOR ( O!RS BUT TO CREATE LIFE4 

,= ALL HUMANITY TO BE ABLE TO LIVE1 & CONT9UE TO LIVE 
ATTRIBUT+ A MEAN+ TO LIFE1 !Y1 ?OSE MILLI>DS1 MU/ HAVE A 
DIFF]5T1 A REAL1 KN[L$GE ( FAI?4 ,9DE$1 IT WAS NOT ! FACT 
?AT WE1 ) ,SOLOMON & ,S*OP5HAU]1 DID NOT KILL \RSELVES ?AT 
CONV9C$ ME ( ! EXI/5CE ( FAI?1 BUT ! FACT ?AT ?OSE 
MILLI>DS ( PEOPLE HAVE LIV$ & >E LIV+1 & HAVE BORNE 
,SOLOMON & US ON ! CURR5T ( !IR LIVES4 

,& ,I BEGAN TO DRAW NE> TO ! BELIEV]S AMONG ! POOR1 
SIMPLE1 UNLETT]$ FOLK3 PILGRIMS1 MONKS1 SECT>IANS1 & PEASANTS4  
,! FAI? ( !SE COMMON PEOPLE WAS ! SAME ,*RI/IAN FAI? AS 
WAS PR(ESS$ BY ! PSEUDO-BELIEV]S ( \R CIRCLE4 ,AMONG !M1 
TOO1 ,I F\ND A GREAT DEAL ( SUP]/ITION MIX$ ) ! ,*RI/IAN 
TRU?S2 BUT ! DIFF]5CE WAS ?AT ! SUP]/ITIONS ( ! 
BELIEV]S ( \R CIRCLE W]E QUITE UNNECESS>Y TO !M & W]E NOT 
9 CON=MITY ) !IR LIVES1 BE+ M]ELY A K9D ( EPICUREAN 
DIV]SION2 BUT ! SUP]/ITIONS ( ! BELIEV]S AMONG ! 
LABOR+ MASSES CON=M$ SO ) !IR LIVES ?AT IT WAS 
IMPOSSIBLE TO IMAG9E !M TO ONESELF )\T ?OSE SUP]/ITIONS1 
:I* W]E A NECESS>Y CONDITION ( !IR LIFE4 ! :OLE LIFE ( 
BELIEV]S 9 \R CIRCLE WAS A CONTRADICTION ( !IR FAI?1 BUT ! 
:OLE LIFE ( ! WORK+-FOLK BELIEV]S WAS A CONFIRMATION ( ! 
MEAN+ ( LIFE :I* !IR FAI? GAVE !M4 ,& ,I BEGAN TO LOOK 
WELL 9TO ! LIFE & FAI? ( !SE PEOPLE1 & ! MORE ,I 
CONSID]$ IT ! MORE ,I BECAME CONV9C$ ?AT !Y HAVE A REAL 
FAI? :I* IS A NECESSITY TO !M & ALONE GIVES !IR LIFE A 
MEAN+ & MAKES IT POSSIBLE = !M TO LIVE4 ,9 CONTRA/ ) 
:AT ,I HAD SE5 9 \R CIRCLE - :]E LIFE )\T FAI? IS 
POSSIBLE & :]E H>DLY ONE 9 A ?\S& ACKN[L$GES HIMSELF TO 
BE A BELIEV] - AMONG !M !RE IS H>DLY ONE UNBELIEV] 9 A 
?\S&4 ,9 CONTRA/ ) :AT ,I HAD SE5 9 \R CIRCLE1 :]E 
! :OLE ( LIFE IS PASS$ 9 IDL5ESS1 AMUSEM5T1 & 
DISSATISFACTION1 ,I SAW ?AT ! :OLE LIFE ( !SE PEOPLE WAS 
PASS$ 9 HEAVY LABOR1 & ?AT !Y W]E CONT5T ) LIFE4 ,9 
CONTRADI/9CTION TO ! WAY 9 :I* PEOPLE ( \R CIRCLE OPPOSE 
FATE & COMPLA9 ( IT ON ACC\NT ( DEPRIVATIONS & SUFF]+S1 
!SE PEOPLE ACCEPT$ ILLNESS & SORR[ )\T ANY P]PLEXITY OR 
OPPOSITION1 & ) A QUIET & FIRM CONVICTION ?AT ALL IS GOOD4  
,9 CONTRADI/9CTION TO US1 :O ! WIS] WE >E ! LESS WE 
UND]/& ! MEAN+ ( LIFE1 & SEE SOME EVIL IRONY 9 ! FACT 
?AT WE SUFF] & DIE1 !SE FOLK LIVE & SUFF]1 & !Y 
APPROA* DEA? & SUFF]+ ) TRANQUILITY & 9 MO/ CASES 
GLADLY4 ,9 CONTRA/ TO ! FACT ?AT A TRANQUIL DEA?1 A DEA? 
)\T HORROR & DESPAIR1 IS A V]Y R>E EXCEPTION 9 \R CIRCLE1 
A TR\BL$1 REBELLI\S1 & UNHAPPY DEA? IS ! R>E/ EXCEPTION 
AMONG ! PEOPLE4 & SU* PEOPLE1 LACK+ ALL ?AT = US & = 
,SOLOMON IS ! ONLY GOOD ( LIFE & YET EXP]I5C+ ! GREATE/ 
HAPP9ESS1 >E A GREAT MULTITUDE4 ,I LOOK$ MORE WIDELY >\ND ME4  
,I CONSID]$ ! LIFE ( ! 5ORM\S MASS ( ! PEOPLE 9 ! 
PA/ & ! PRES5T4 ,& ( SU* PEOPLE1 UND]/&+ ! 
MEAN+ ( LIFE & ABLE TO LIVE & TO DIE1 ,I SAW NOT TWO OR 
?REE1 OR T5S1 BUT HUNDR$S1 ?\S&S1 & MILLIONS4 & !Y 
ALL - 5DLESSLY DIFF]5T 9 !IR MANN]S1 M9DS1 $UCATION1 & 
POSITION1 AS !Y W]E - ALL ALIKE1 9 COMPLETE CONTRA/ TO MY 
IGNORANCE1 KNEW ! MEAN+ ( LIFE & DEA?1 LABOR$ QUIETLY1 
5DUR$ DEPRIVATIONS & SUFF]+S1 & LIV$ & DI$ SEE+ 
!RE9 NOT VANITY BUT GOOD4 

,& ,I LE>N$ TO LOVE !SE PEOPLE4 ,! MORE ,I CAME TO KN[ 
!IR LIFE1 ! LIFE ( ?OSE :O >E LIV+ & ( O!RS :O >E 
DEAD ( :OM ,I READ & HE>D1 ! MORE ,I LOV$ !M & ! EASI] 
IT BECAME = ME TO LIVE4 ,SO ,I W5T ON = AB\T TWO YE>S1 & A 
*ANGE TOOK PLACE 9 ME :I* HAD LONG BE5 PREP>+ & ! 
PROMISE ( :I* HAD ALWAYS BE5 9 ME4 ,IT CAME AB\T ?AT ! 
LIFE ( \R CIRCLE1 ! RI* & LE>N$1 NOT M]ELY BECAME 
DI/A/EFUL TO ME1 BUT LO/ ALL MEAN+ 9 MY EYES4 ,ALL \R 
ACTIONS1 DISCUSSIONS1 SCI5CE & >T1 PRES5T$ ITSELF TO ME 9 A 
NEW LI<T4 ,I UND]/OOD ?AT IT IS ALL M]ELY SELF-9DULG5CE1 & 
! TO F9D A MEAN+ 9 IT IS IMPOSSIBLE2 :ILE ! LIFE ( ! 
:OLE LABOR+ PEOPLE1 ! :OLE ( MANK9D :O PRODUCE LIFE1 
APPE>$ TO ME 9 ITS TRUE SIGNIFICANCE4 ,I UND]/OOD ?AT "9?AT"9 
IS LIFE ITSELF1 & ?AT ! MEAN+ GIV5 TO ?AT LIFE IS TRUE3 
& ,I ACCEPT$ IT4 

7,S\RCE3 ,A ,CONFESSION1 BY ,LEV ,NIKOLAYEVI* ,TOL/OY1 ,DI/RIBUT$ BY ! ,TOL/OY ,LIBR>Y ,ONL9E1 ,FIR/ DI/RIBUT$ 9 ,RUSSIA 9 #a#h#h#b1 FIR/ PUBLI%$ 9 #a#h#h#d47 

O ,P>T #aa 

,& REMEMB]+ H[ ?OSE V]Y BELIEFS HAD REPELL$ ME & HAD 
SEEM$ MEAN+LESS :5 PR(ESS$ BY PEOPLE :OSE LIVES CONFLICT$ 
) !M1 & H[ !SE SAME BELIEFS ATTRACT$ ME & SEEM$ 
REASONABLE :5 ,I SAW ?AT PEOPLE LIV$ 9 ACCORD ) !M1 ,I 
UND]/OOD :Y ,I HAD !N REJECT$ ?OSE BELIEFS & F\ND !M 
MEAN+LESS1 YET N[ ACCEPT$ !M & F\ND !M FULL ( MEAN+4  
,I UND]/OOD ?AT ,I HAD ]R$1 & :Y ,I ]R$4 ,I HAD ]R$ NOT SO 
MU* BECAUSE ,I ?\<T 9CORRECTLY AS BECAUSE ,I LIV$ BADLY4 ,I 
UND]/OOD ?AT IT WAS NOT AN ]ROR 9 MY ?\<T ?AT HAD HID 
TRU? FROM ME AS MU* AS MY LIFE ITSELF 9 ! EXCEPTIONAL 
CONDITIONS ( EPICUREAN GRATIFICATION ( DESIRES 9 :I* ,I PASS$ 
IT4 ,I UND]/OOD ?AT MY QUE/ION AS TO :AT MY LIFE IS1 & ! 
ANSW] - & EVIL - WAS QUITE CORRECT4 ,! ONLY MI/AKE WAS ?AT 
! ANSW] REF]R$ ONLY TO MY LIFE1 :ILE ,I HAD REF]R$ IT TO 
LIFE 9 G5]AL4 ,I ASK$ MYSELF :AT MY LIFE IS1 & GOT ! 
REPLY3 ,AN EVIL & AN ABSURDITY4 & REALLY MY LIFE - A LIFE ( 
9DULG5CE ( DESIRES - WAS S5SELESS & EVIL1 & !RE=E ! 
REPLY1 0,LIFE IS EVIL & AN ABSURDITY01 REF]R$ ONLY TO MY LIFE1 
BUT NOT TO HUMAN LIFE 9 G5]AL4 ,I UND]/OOD ! TRU? :I* ,I 
AFT]W>DS F\ND 9 ! ,GOSPELS1 0?AT M5 LOV$ D>KNESS RA!R 
?AN ! LI<T1 = !IR WORKS W]E EVIL4 ,= EV]YONE ?AT DOE? 
ILL HATE? ! LI<T1 & COME? NOT TO ! LI<T1 LE/ HIS WORKS 
%\LD BE REPROV$40 ,I P]CEIV$ ?AT TO UND]/& ! MEAN+ ( 
LIFE IT IS NECESS>Y FIR/ ?AT LIFE %\LD NOT BE MEAN+LESS & 
EVIL1 !N WE CAN APPLY REASON TO EXPLA9 IT4 ,I UND]/OOD :Y ,I 
HAD SO LONG W&]$ R\ND SO EVID5T A TRU?1 & ?AT IF ONE IS 
TO ?9K & SPEAK ( ! LIFE ( MANK9D1 ONE MU/ ?9K & SPEAK 
( ?AT LIFE & NOT ( ! LIFE ( SOME ( LIFE'S P>ASITES4 ,?AT 
TRU? WAS ALWAYS AS TRUE AS ?AT TWO & TWO >E F\R1 BUT ,I HAD 
NOT ACKN[L$G$ IT1 BECAUSE ON ADMITT+ TWO & TWO TO BE F\R ,I 
HAD ALSO TO ADMIT ?AT ,I WAS BAD2 & TO FEEL MYSELF TO BE GOOD WAS 
= ME MORE IMPORTANT & NECESS>Y ?AN = TWO & TWO TO BE 
F\R4 ,I CAME TO LOVE GOOD PEOPLE1 HAT$ MYSELF1 & CONFESS$ ! 
TRU?4 ,N[ ALL BECAME CLE> TO ME4 

,:AT IF AN EXECUTION] PASS+ HIS :OLE LIFE 9 TORTUR+ 
PEOPLE & CUTT+ (F !IR HEADS1 OR A HOPELESS DRUNK>D1 OR A 
MADMAN SETTL$ = LIFE 9 A D>K ROOM :I* HE HAS F\L$ & 
IMAG9ES ?AT HE W\LD P]I% IF HE LEFT - :AT IF HE ASK$ 
HIMSELF3 0,:AT IS LIFE80 ,EVID5TLY HE C\LD NOT O!R REPLY TO 
?AT QUE/ION ?AN ?AT LIFE IS ! GREATE/ EVIL1 & ! MADMAN'S 
ANSW] W\LD BE P]FECTLY CORRECT1 BUT ONLY AS APPLI$ TO HIMSELF4  
,:AT IF ,I AM SU* A MADMAN8 ,:AT IF ALL WE RI* & LEISUR$ 
PEOPLE >E SU* MADM58 & ,I UND]/OOD ?AT WE REALLY >E SU* 
MADM54 ,I AT ANY RATE WAS C]TA9LY SU*4 

,& 9DE$ A BIRD IS SO MADE ?AT IT MU/ FLY1 COLLECT FOOD1 
& BUILD A NE/1 & :5 ,I SEE ?AT A BIRD DOES ?IS ,I HAVE 
PLEASURE 9 ITS JOY4 ,A GOAT1 A H>E1 & A WOLF >E SO MADE ?AT 
!Y MU/ FE$ !MSELVES1 & MU/ BRE$ & FE$ !IR FAMILY1 
& :5 !Y DO SO ,I FEEL FIRMLY ASSUR$ ?AT !Y >E HAPPY & 
?AT !IR LIFE IS A REASONABLE ONE4 !N :AT %\LD A MAN DO8  
,HE TOO %\LD PRODUCE HIS LIV+ AS ! ANIMALS DO1 BUT ) ?IS 
DIFF]5CE1 ?AT HE WILL P]I% IF HE DOES IT ALONE2 HE MU/ OBTA9 
IT NOT = HIMSELF BUT = ALL4 ,& :5 HE DOES ?AT1 ,I HAVE A 
FIRM ASSURANCE ?AT HE IS HAPPY & ?AT HIS LIFE IS REASONABLE4  
,BUT :AT HAD ,I DONE DUR+ ! :OLE ?IRTY YE>S ( MY RESPONSIBLE 
LIFE8 ,F> FROM PRODUC+ SU/5ANCE = ALL1 ,I DID NOT EV5 
PRODUCE IT = MYSELF4 ,I LIV$ AS A P>ASITE1 & ON ASK+ 
MYSELF1 :AT IS ! USE ( MY LIFE8 ,I GOT ! REPLY3 0,NO USE40 ,IF 
! MEAN+ ( HUMAN LIFE LIES 9 SUPPORT+ IT1 H[ C\LD ,I - :O 
= ?IRTY YE>S HAD BE5 5GAG$ NOT ON SUPPORT+ LIFE BUT ON 
DE/ROY+ IT 9 MYSELF & 9 O!RS - H[ C\LD ,I OBTA9 ANY 
O!R ANSW] ?AN ?AT MY LIFE WAS S5SELESS & AN EVIL8 444 ,IT 
WAS BO? S5SELESS & EVIL4 

,! LIFE ( ! WORLD 5DURES BY SOMEONE'S WILL - BY ! LIFE 
( ! :OLE WORLD & BY \R LIVES SOMEONE FULFILLS HIS PURPOSE4  
,TO HOPE TO UND]/& ! MEAN+ ( ?AT WILL ONE MU/ FIR/ 
P]=M IT BY DO+ :AT IS WANT$ ( US4 ,BUT IF ,I WILL NOT DO 
:AT IS WANT$ ( ME1 ,I %ALL NEV] UND]/& :AT IS WANT$ ( 
ME1 & /ILL LESS :AT IS WANT$ ( US ALL & ( ! :OLE WORLD4 

,IF A NAK$1 HUNGRY BEGG> HAS BE5 TAK5 FROM ! CROSS-ROADS1 
BR\<T 9TO A BUILD+ BELONG+ TO A BEAUTIFUL E/ABLI%M5T1 
F$1 SUPPLI$ ) DR9K1 & OBLIG$ TO MOVE A H&LE UP & D[N1 
EVID5TLY1 BE=E DISCUSS+ :Y HE WAS TAK51 :Y HE %\LD MOVE 
! H&LE1 & :E!R ! :OLE E/ABLI%M5T IS REASONABLY 
>RANG$ - ! BEGG] %\LD FIR/ ( ALL MOVE ! H&LE4 ,IF HE 
MOVES ! H&LE HE WILL UND]/& ?AT IT WORKS A PUMP1 ?AT ! 
PUMP DRAWS WAT] & ?AT ! WAT] IRRIGATES ! G>D5 B$S2 !N 
HE WILL BE TAK5 FROM ! PUMP+ /ATION TO ANO!R PLACE :]E HE 
WILL GA!R FRUITS & WILL 5T] 9TO ! JOY ( HIS MA/]1 &1 
PASS+ FROM L[] TO HI<] WORK1 WILL UND]/& MORE & MORE ( 
! >RANGEM5TS ( ! E/ABLI%M5T1 & TAK+ P>T 9 IT WILL 
NEV] ?9K ( ASK+ :Y HE IS !RE1 & WILL C]TA9LY NOT 
REPROA* ! MA/]4 

,SO ?OSE :O DO HIS WILL1 ! SIMPLE1 UNLE>N$ WORK+ FOLK1 
:OM WE REG>D AS CATTLE1 DO NOT REPROA* ! MA/]2 BUT WE1 ! 
WISE1 EAT ! MA/]'S FOOD BUT DO NOT DO :AT ! MA/] WI%ES1 
& 9/EAD ( DO+ IT SIT 9 A CIRCLE & DISCUSS3 0,:Y %\LD 
?AT H&LE BE MOV$8 ,ISN'T IT /UPID80 ,SO WE HAVE DECID$4 ,WE 
HAVE DECID$ ?AT ! MA/] IS /UPID1 OR DOES NOT EXI/1 & ?AT 
WE >E WISE1 ONLY WE FEEL ?AT WE >E QUITE USELESS & ?AT WE 
MU/ SOMEH[ DO AWAY ) \RSELVES4 

7,S\RCE3 ,A ,CONFESSION1 BY ,LEV ,NIKOLAYEVI* ,TOL/OY1 ,DI/RIBUT$ BY ! ,TOL/OY ,LIBR>Y ,ONL9E1 ,FIR/ DI/RIBUT$ 9 ,RUSSIA 9 #a#h#h#b1 FIR/ PUBLI%$ 9 #a#h#h#d47 

O ,P>T #ab 

,! CONSCI\SNESS ( ! ]ROR 9 REASONABLE KN[L$GE HELP$ 
ME TO FREE MYSELF FROM ! TEMPTATION ( IDLE RATIOC9ATION4 ! 
CONVICTION ?AT KN[L$GE ( TRU? CAN ONLY BE F\ND BY LIV+ L$ 
ME TO D\BT ! RI<TNESS ( MY LIFE2 BUT ,I WAS SAV$ ONLY BY ! 
FACT ?AT ,I WAS ABLE TO TE> MYSELF FROM MY EXCLUSIV5ESS & TO 
SEE ! REAL LIFE ( ! PLA9 WORK+ PEOPLE1 & TO UND]/& 
?AT IT ALONE IS REAL LIFE4 ,I UND]/OOD ?AT IF ,I WI% TO 
UND]/& LIFE & ITS MEAN+1 ,I MU/ NOT LIVE ! LIFE ( A 
P>ASITE1 BUT MU/ LIVE A REAL LIFE1 & - TAK+ ! MEAN+ 
GIV5 TO LIVE BY REAL HUMANITY & M]G+ MYSELF 9 ?AT LIFE - 
V]IFY IT4 

,DUR+ ?AT TIME ?IS IS :AT HAPP5$ TO ME4 ,DUR+ ?AT 
:OLE YE>1 :5 ,I WAS ASK+ MYSELF ALMO/ EV]Y MOM5T :E!R ,I 
%\LD NOT 5D MATT]S ) A NOOSE OR A BULLET - ALL ?AT TIME1 
TOGE!R ) ! C\RSE ( ?\<T & OBS]VATION AB\T :I* ,I 
HAVE SPOK51 MY HE>T WAS OPPRESS$ ) A PA9FUL FEEL+1 :I* 
,I CAN ONLY DESCRIBE AS A SE>* = ,GOD4 

,I SAY ?AT ?AT SE>* = ,GOD WAS NOT REASON+1 BUT A 
FEEL+1 BECAUSE ?AT SE>* PROCE$$ NOT FROM ! C\RSE ( MY 
?\<TS - IT WAS EV5 DIRECTLY CONTR>Y TO !M - BUT PROCE$$ 
FROM ! HE>T4 ,IT WAS A FEEL+ ( FE>1 ORPHANAGE1 ISOLATION 9 
A /RANGE L&1 & A HOPE ( HELP FROM SOMEONE4 

,?\< ,I WAS QUITE CONV9C$ ( ! IMPOSSIBILITY ( PROV+ 
! EXI/5CE ( A ,DEITY 7,KANT HAD %[N1 & ,I QUITE UND]/OOD 
HIM1 ?AT IT C\LD NOT BE PROV$71 ,I YET S\<T = GOD1 HOP$ ?AT 
,I %\LD F9D ,HIM1 & FROM OLD HABIT ADDRESS$ PRAY]S TO ?AT 
:I* ,I S\<T BUT HAD NOT F\ND4 ,I W5T OV] 9 MY M9D ! 
>GUM5TS ( ,KANT & ,S*OP5HAU] %[+ ! IMPOSSIBILITY ( 
PROV+ ! EXI/5CE ( A ,GOD1 & ,I BEGAN TO V]IFY ?OSE 
>GUM5TS & TO REFUTE !M4 ,CAUSE1 SAID ,I TO MYSELF1 IS NOT A 
CATEGORY ( ?\<T SU* AS >E ,TIME & ,SPACE4 ,IF ,I EXI/1 !RE 
MU/ BE SOME CAUSE = IT1 & A CAUSE ( CAUSES4 ,& ?AT FIR/ 
CAUSE ( ALL IS :AT M5 HAVE CALL$ 0,GOD04 ,& ,I PAUS$ ON ?AT 
?\<T1 & TRI$ ) ALL MY BE+ TO RECOGNIZE ! PRES5CE ( 
?AT CAUSE4 ,& AS SOON AS ,I ACKN[L$G$ ?AT !RE IS A =CE 9 
:OSE P[] ,I AM1 ,I AT ONCE FELT ?AT ,I C\LD LIVE4 ,BUT ,I ASK$ 
MYSELF3 ,:AT IS ?AT CAUSE1 ?AT =CE8 ,H[ AM ,I TO ?9K ( IT8  
,:AT >E MY RELATIONS TO ?AT :I* ,I CALL 0,GOD08 ,& ONLY ! 
FAMILI> REPLIES OCCURR$ TO ME3 0,HE IS ! ,CREATOR & 
,PRES]V]40 ,?IS REPLY DID NOT SATISFY ME1 & ,I FELT ,I WAS LOS+ 
)9 ME :AT ,I NE$$ = MY LIFE4 ,I BECAME T]RIFI$ & BEGAN 
TO PRAY TO ,HIM :OM ,I S\<T1 ?AT ,HE %\LD HELP ME4 ,BUT ! MORE 
,I PRAY$ ! MORE APP>5T IT BECAME TO ME ?AT ,HE DID NOT HE> ME1 
& ?AT !RE WAS NO ONE TO :OM TO ADDRESS MYSELF4 ,& ) 
DESPAIR 9 MY HE>T ?AT !RE IS NO ,GOD AT ALL1 ,I SAID3 0,LORD1 
HAVE M]CY1 SAVE ME6 ,LORD1 TEA* ME60 ,BUT NO ONE HAD M]CY ON ME1 
& ,I FELT ?AT MY LIFE WAS COM+ TO A /&/ILL4 

,BUT AGA9 & AGA91 FROM V>I\S SIDES1 ,I RETURN$ TO ! 
SAME CONCLUSION ?AT ,I C\LD NOT HAVE COME 9TO ! WORLD )\T 
ANY CAUSE OR REASON OR MEAN+2 ,I C\LD NOT BE SU* A FL$GL+ 
FALL5 FROM ITS NE/ AS ,I FELT MYSELF TO BE4 ,OR1 GRANT+ ?AT ,I 
BE SU*1 LY+ ON MY BACK CRY+ 9 ! HI< GRASS1 EV5 !N ,I CRY 
BECAUSE ,I KN[ ?AT A MO!R HAS BORNE ME )9 H]1 HAS HAT*$ 
ME1 W>M$ ME1 F$ ME1 & LOV$ ME4 ,:]E IS %E - ?AT MO!R8  
,IF ,I HAVE BE5 DES]T$1 :O HAS DES]T$ ME8 ,I CANNOT HIDE FROM 
MYSELF ?AT SOMEONE BOR$ ME1 LOV+ ME4 ,:O WAS ?AT SOMEONE8  
,AGA9 0,GOD08 ,HE KN[S & SEES MY SE>*+1 MY DESPAIR1 & MY 
/RUGGLE40 

0,HE EXI/S10 SAID ,I TO MYSELF4 ,& ,I HAD ONLY = AN 9/ANT 
TO ADMIT ?AT1 & AT ONCE LIFE ROSE )9 ME1 & ,I FELT ! 
POSSIBILITY & JOY ( BE+4 ,BUT AGA91 FROM ! ADMISSION ( ! 
EXI/5CE ( A ,GOD ,I W5T ON TO SEEK MY RELATION ) ,HIM2 & 
AGA9 ,I IMAG9$ "9?AT"9 ,GOD - \R ,CREATOR 9 ,?REE ,P]SONS :O 
S5T ,HIS ,SON1 ! ,SAVIOR - & AGA9 "9?AT"9 ,GOD1 DETA*$ FROM 
! WORLD & FROM ME1 MELT$ LIKE A BLOCK ( ICE1 MELT$ BE=E MY 
EYES1 & AGA9 NO?+ REMA9$1 & AGA9 ! SPR+ ( LIFE 
DRI$ UP )9 ME1 & ,I DESPAIR$ & FELT ?AT ,I HAD NO?+ TO 
DO BUT TO KILL MYSELF4 ,& ! WOR/ ( ALL WAS1 ?AT ,I FELT ,I 
C\LD NOT DO IT4 

,NOT TWICE OR ?REE TIMES1 BUT T5S & HUNDR$S ( TIMES1 ,I 
REA*$ ?OSE CONDITIONS1 FIR/ ( JOY & ANIMATION1 & !N ( 
DESPAIR & CONSCI\SNESS ( ! IMPOSSIBILITY ( LIV+4 

,I REMEMB] ?AT IT WAS 9 E>LY SPR+3 ,I WAS ALONE 9 ! 
WOOD LI/5+ TO ITS S\NDS4 ,I LI/5$ & ?\<T EV] ( ! 
SAME ?+1 AS ,I HAD CON/ANTLY DONE DUR+ ?OSE LA/ ?REE YE>S4  
,I WAS AGA9 SEEK+ ,GOD4 

0,V]Y WELL1 !RE IS NO ,GOD10 SAID ,I TO MYSELF2 0!RE IS NO 
ONE :O IS NOT MY IMAG9ATION BUT A REALITY LIKE MY :OLE LIFE4  
,HE DOES NOT EXI/1 & NO MIRACLES CAN PROVE ,HIS EXI/5CE1 BECAUSE 
! MIRACLES W\LD BE MY IMAG9ATION1 BESIDES BE+ IRRATIONAL4 

0,BUT MY "9P]CEPTION"9 ( ,GOD1 ( ,HIM :OM ,I SEEK10 ,I ASK$ 
MYSELF1 0:]E HAS ?AT P]CEPTION COME FROM80 ,& AGA9 AT ?IS 
?\<T ! GLAD WAVES ( LIFE ROSE )9 ME4 ,ALL ?AT WAS >\ND 
ME CAME TO LIFE & RECEIV$ A MEAN+4 ,BUT MY JOY DID NOT LA/ 
LONG4 ,MY M9D CONT9U$ ITS WORK4 

0,! CONCEPTION ( ,GOD IS NOT ,GOD10 SAID ,I TO MYSELF4 0,! 
CONCEPTION IS :AT TAKES PLACE )9 ME4 ,! CONCEPTION ( ,GOD IS 
SOME?+ ,I CAN EVOKE OR CAN REFRA9 FROM EVOK+ 9 MYSELF4 ,?AT 
IS NOT :AT ,I SEEK4 ,I SEEK ?AT )\T :I* !RE CAN BE NO 
LIFE40 ,& AGA9 ALL >\ND ME & )9 ME BEGAN TO DIE1 & 
AGA9 ,I WI%$ TO KILL MYSELF4 

,BUT !N ,I TURN$ MY GAZE UPON MYSELF1 ON :AT W5T ON )9 
ME1 & ,I REMEMB]$ ALL ?OSE CESSATIONS ( LIFE & REANIMATIONS 
?AT RECURR$ )9 ME HUNDR$S ( TIMES4 ,I REMEMB]$ ?AT ,I 
ONLY LIV$ AT ?OSE TIMES :5 ,I BELIEV$ 9 ,GOD4 ,AS IT WAS 
BE=E1 SO IT WAS N[2 ,I NE$ ONLY BE AW>E ( ,GOD TO LIVE2 ,I NE$ 
ONLY =GET ,HIM1 OR DISBELIEVE ,HIM1 & ,I DI$4 

,:AT IS ?IS ANIMATION & DY+8 ,I DO NOT LIVE :5 ,I LOSE 
BELIEF 9 ! EXI/5CE ( ,GOD4 ,I %\LD LONG AGO HAVE KILL$ 
MYSELF HAD ,I NOT HAD A DIM HOPE ( F9D+ ,HIM4 ,I LIVE1 REALLY 
LIVE1 ONLY :5 ,I FEEL ,HIM & SEEK ,HIM4 0,:AT MORE DO Y\ SEEK80 
EXCLAIM$ A VOICE )9 ME4 0,?IS IS ,HE4 ,HE IS ?AT )\T 
:I* ONE CANNOT LIVE4 ,TO KN[ ,GOD & TO LIVE IS ONE & ! SAME 
?+4 ,GOD IS LIFE40 

0,LIVE SEEK+ ,GOD1 & !N Y\ WILL NOT LIVE )\T ,GOD40  
,& MORE ?AN EV] BE=E1 ALL )9 ME & >\ND ME LIT UP1 & 
! LI<T DID NOT AGA9 AB&ON ME4 

,& ,I WAS SAV$ FROM SUICIDE4 ,:5 & H[ ?IS *ANGE 
OCCURR$ ,I C\LD NOT SAY4 ,AS IMP]CEPTIBLY & GRADUALLY ! =CE 
( LIFE 9 ME HAD BE5 DE/ROY$ & ,I HAD REA*$ ! 
IMPOSSIBILITY ( LIV+1 A CESSATION ( LIFE & ! NECESSITY ( 
SUICIDE1 SO IMP]CEPTIBLY & GRADUALLY DID ?AT =CE ( LIFE 
RETURN TO ME4 ,& /RANGE TO SAY ! /R5G? ( LIFE :I* 
RETURN$ TO ME WAS NOT NEW1 BUT QUITE OLD - ! SAME ?AT HAD 
BORNE ME ALONG 9 MY E>LIE/ DAYS4 

,I QUITE RETURN$ TO :AT BELONG$ TO MY E>LIE/ *ILDHOOD & 
Y\?4 ,I RETURN$ TO ! BELIEF 9 ?AT ,WILL :I* PRODUC$ ME & 
DESIRES SOME?+ ( ME4 ,I RETURN$ TO ! BELIEF ?AT ! *IEF 
& ONLY AIM ( MY LIFE IS TO BE BETT]1 I4E4 TO LIVE 9 ACCORD 
) ?AT ,WILL4 & ,I RETURN$ TO ! BELIEF ?AT ,I CAN F9D ! 
EXPRESSION ( ?AT ,WILL 9 :AT HUMANITY1 9 ! DI/ANT PA/ 
HIDD5 FROM1 HAS PRODUC$ = ITS GUIDANCE3 ?AT IS TO SAY1 ,I 
RETURN$ TO A BELIEF 9 ,GOD1 9 MORAL P]FECTION1 & 9 A 
TRADITION TRANSMITT+ ! MEAN+ ( LIFE4 ,!RE WAS ONLY ?IS 
DIFF]5CE1 ?AT !N ALL ?IS WAS ACCEPT$ UNCONSCI\SLY1 :ILE 
N[ ,I KNEW ?AT )\T IT ,I C\LD NOT LIVE4 

,:AT HAPP5$ TO ME WAS SOME?+ LIKE ?IS3 ,I WAS PUT 9TO 
A BOAT 7,I DO NOT REMEMB] :57 & PU%$ (F FROM AN UNKN[N 
%ORE1 %[N ! DIRECTION ( ! OPPOSITE %ORE1 HAD O>S PUT 9TO 
MY UNPRACTIC$ H&S1 & WAS LEFT ALONE4 ,I R[$ AS BE/ ,I C\LD 
& MOV$ =W>D2 BUT ! FUR!R ,I ADVANC$ T[>DS ! MIDDLE ( 
! /REAM ! MORE RAPID GREW ! CURR5T BE>+ ME AWAY FROM MY 
GOAL & ! MORE FREQU5TLY DID ,I 5C\NT] O!RS1 LIKE MYSELF1 
BORNE AWAY BY ! /REAM4 ,!RE W]E A FEW R[]S :O CONT9U$ TO 
R[1 !RE W]E O!RS :O HAD AB&ON$ !IR O>S2 !RE W]E 
L>GE BOATS & IMM5SE VESSELS FULL ( PEOPLE4 ,SOME /RUGGL$ 
AGA9/ ! CURR5T1 O!RS YIELD$ TO IT4 ,& ! FUR!R ,I W5T 
! MORE1 SEE+ ! PROGRESS D[N ! CURR5T ( ALL ?OSE :O 
W]E ADRIFT1 ,I =GOT ! DIRECTION GIV5 ME4 ,9 ! V]Y C5T] 
( ! /REAM1 AMID ! CR[D ( BOATS & VESSELS :I* W]E BE+ 
BORNE D[N /REAM1 ,I QUITE LO/ MY DIRECTION & AB&ON$ MY O>S4  
,>\ND ME ON ALL SIDES1 ) MIR? & REJOIC+1 PEOPLE ) SAILS 
& O>S W]E BORNE D[N ! /REAM1 ASSUR+ ME & EA* O!R 
?AT NO O!R DIRECTION WAS POSSIBLE4 ,& ,I BELIEV$ !M & 
FLOAT$ ) !M4 ,& ,I WAS C>RI$ F>2 SO F> ?AT ,I HE>D ! 
RO> ( ! RAPIDS 9 :I* ,I MU/ BE %ATT]$1 & ,I SAW BOATS 
%ATT]$ 9 !M4 ,& ,I RECOLLECT$ MYSELF4 ,I WAS LONG UNABLE TO 
UND]/& :AT HAD HAPP5$ TO ME4 ,I SAW BE=E ME NO?+ BUT 
DE/RUCTION1 T[>DS :I* ,I WAS RU%+ & :I* ,I FE>$4 ,I SAW 
NO SAFETY ANY:]E & DID NOT KN[ :AT TO DO2 BUT1 LOOK+ BACK1 
,I P]CEIV$ 9NUM]ABLE BOATS :I* UNCEAS+LY & /R5U\SLY 
PU%$ ACROSS ! /REAM1 & ,I REMEMB]$ AB\T ! %ORE1 ! 
O>S1 & ! DIRECTION1 & BEGAN TO PULL BACK UPW>DS AGA9/ ! 
/REAM & T[>DS ! %ORE4 

,?AT %ORE WAS ,GOD2 ?AT DIRECTION WAS TRADITION2 ! O>S 
W]E ! FRE$OM GIV5 ME TO PULL = ! %ORE & UNITE ) ,GOD4  
,& SO ! =CE ( LIFE WAS R5EW$ 9 ME & ,I AGA9 BEGAN TO 
LIVE4 

7,S\RCE3 ,A ,CONFESSION1 BY ,LEV ,NIKOLAYEVI* ,TOL/OY1 ,DI/RIBUT$ BY ! ,TOL/OY ,LIBR>Y ,ONL9E1 ,FIR/ DI/RIBUT$ 9 ,RUSSIA 9 #a#h#h#b1 FIR/ PUBLI%$ 9 #a#h#h#d47 

O ,P>T #ac 

,I TURN$ FROM ! LIFE ( \R CIRCLE1 ACKN[L$G+ ?AT \RS 
IS NOT LIFE BUT A SIMULATION ( LIFE - ?AT ! CONDITIONS ( 
SUP]FLUITY 9 :I* WE LIVE DEPRIVE US ( ! POSSIBILITY ( 
UND]/&+ LIFE1 & ?AT 9 ORD] TO UND]/& LIFE ,I MU/ 
UND]/& NOT AN EXCEPTIONAL LIFE SU* AS \R :O >E P>ASITES ON 
LIFE1 BUT ! LIFE ( ! SIMPLE LABOR+ FOLK - ?OSE :O MAKE 
LIFE - & ! MEAN+ :I* !Y ATTRIBUTE TO IT4 ,! SIMPLE/ 
LABOR+ PEOPLE >\ND ME W]E ! ,RUSSIAN PEOPLE1 & ,I TURN$ TO 
!M & TO ! MEAN+ ( LIFE :I* !Y GIVE4 ,?AT MEAN+1 IF 
ONE CAN PUT IT 9TO WORDS1 WAS AS FOLL[S3 ,EV]Y MAN HAS COME 9TO 
?IS WORLD BY ! WILL ( ,GOD4 ,& ,GOD HAS SO MADE MAN ?AT EV]Y 
MAN CAN DE/ROY HIS S\L OR SAVE IT4 ,! AIM ( MAN 9 LIFE IS TO 
SAVE HIS S\L1 & TO SAVE HIS S\L HE MU/ LIVE 0GODLY0 & TO 
LIVE 0GODLY0 HE MU/ R5\NCE ALL ! PLEASURES ( LIFE1 MU/ 
LABOR1 HUMBLE HIMSELF1 SUFF]1 & BE M]CIFUL4 ,?AT MEAN+ ! 
PEOPLE OBTA9 FROM ! :OLE TEA*+ ( FAI? TRANSMITT$ TO !M 
BY !IR PA/ORS & BY ! TRADITIONS ?AT LIVE AMONG ! PEOPLE4  
,?IS MEAN+ WAS CLE> TO ME & NE> TO MY HE>T4 ,BUT TOGE!R 
) ?IS MEAN+ ( ! POPUL> FAI? ( \R NONSECT>IAN FOLK1 
AMONG :OM ,I LIVE1 MU* WAS 9SEP>ABLY B\ND UP ?AT REVOLT$ ME 
& SEEM$ TO ME 9EXPLICABLE3 SACRAM5TS1 ,*UR* S]VICES1 FA/S1 
& ! ADORATION ( RELICS & ICONS4 ,! PEOPLE CANNOT SEP>ATE 
! ONE FROM ! O!R1 NOR C\LD ,I4 ,& /RANGE AS MU* ( :AT 
5T]$ 9TO ! FAI? ( !SE PEOPLE WAS TO ME1 ,I ACCEPT$ 
EV]Y?+1 & ATT5D$ ! S]VICES1 KNELT MORN+ & EV5+ 9 
PRAY]1 FA/$1 & PREP>$ TO RECEIVE ! ,EU*>I/3 & AT FIR/ 
MY REASON DID NOT RESI/ ANY?+4 ,! V]Y ?+S ?AT HAD 
=M]LY SEEM$ TO ME IMPOSSIBLE DID NOT N[ EVOKE 9 ME ANY 
OPPOSITION4 

,MY RELATIONS TO FAI? BE=E & AFT] W]E QUITE DIFF]5T4  
,=M]LY LIFE ITSELF SEEM$ TO ME FULL ( MEAN+ & FAI? 
PRES5T$ ITSELF AS ! >BITR>Y ASS]TION ( PROPOSITIONS TO ME 
QUITE UNNECESS>Y1 UNREASONABLE1 & DISCONNECT$ FROM LIFE4 ,I 
!N ASK$ MYSELF :AT MEAN+ ?OSE PROPOSITIONS HAD &1 
CONV9C$ ?AT !Y HAD NONE1 ,I REJECT$ !M4 ,N[ ON ! CONTR>Y 
,I KNEW FIRMLY ?AT MY LIFE O!RWISE HAS1 & CAN HAVE1 NO MEAN+1 
& ! >TICLES ( FAI? W]E F> FROM PRES5T+ !MSELVES TO ME 
AS UNNECESS>Y - ON ! CONTR>Y ,I HAD BE5 L$ BY 9DUBITABLE 
EXP]I5CE TO ! CONVICTION ?AT ONLY !SE PROPOSITIONS PRES5T$ 
BY FAI? GIVE LIFE A MEAN+4 =M]LY ,I LOOK$ ON !M AS ON SOME 
QUITE UNNECESS>Y GIBB]I%1 BUT N[1 IF ,I DID NOT UND]/& !M1 
,I YET KNEW ?AT !Y HAD A MEAN+1 & ,I SAID TO MYSELF ?AT ,I 
MU/ LE>N TO UND]/& !M4 

,I >GU$ AS FOLL[S1 TELL+ MYSELF ?AT ! KN[L$GE ( 
FAI? FL[S1 LIKE ALL HUMANITY ) ITS REASON1 FROM A MY/]I\S 
S\RCE4 ,?AT S\RCE IS ,GOD1 ! ORIG9 BO? ( ! HUMAN BODY & 
! HUMAN REASON4 ,AS MY BODY HAS DESC5D$ TO ME FROM ,GOD1 SO ALSO 
HAS MY REASON & MY UND]/&+ ( LIFE1 & CONSEQU5TLY ! 
V>I\S /AGES ( ! DEVELOPM5T ( ?AT UND]/&+ ( LIFE 
CANNOT BE FALSE4 ,ALL ?AT PEOPLE S9C]ELY BELIEVE 9 MU/ BE 
TRUE2 IT MAY BE DIFF]5TLY EXPRESS$ BUT IT CANNOT BE A LIE1 & 
!RE=E IF IT PRES5TS ITSELF TO ME AS A LIE1 ?AT ONLY MEANS 
?AT ,I HAVE NOT UND]/OOD IT4 ,FUR!RMORE ,I SAID TO MYSELF1 ! 
ESS5CE ( EV]Y FAI? CONSI/S 9 ITS GIV+ LIFE A MEAN+ :I* 
DEA? DOES NOT DE/ROY4 ,NATURALLY = A FAI? TO BE ABLE TO REPLY 
TO ! QUE/IONS ( A K+ DY+ 9 LUXURY1 ( AN OLD SLAVE 
TORM5T$ BY OV]WORK1 ( AN UNREASON+ *ILD1 ( A WISE OLD MAN1 
( A HALF-WITT$ OLD WOMAN1 ( A Y\NG & HAPPY WIFE1 ( A Y\? 
TORM5T$ BY PASSIONS1 ( ALL PEOPLE 9 ! MO/ V>I$ CONDITIONS 
( LIFE & $UCATION - IF !RE IS ONE REPLY TO ! ONE ET]NAL 
QUE/ION ( LIFE3 0,:Y DO ,I LIVE & :AT WILL RESULT FROM MY 
LIFE80 - ! REPLY1 ?\< ONE 9 ITS ESS5CE1 MU/ BE 5DLESSLY 
V>I$ 9 ITS PRES5TATION2 & ! MORE IT IS ONE1 ! MORE TRUE 
& PR(\ND IT IS1 ! MORE /RANGE & DE=M$ MU/ IT NATURALLY 
APPE> 9 ITS ATTEMPT$ EXPRESSION1 CON=MABLY TO ! $UCATION 
& POSITION ( EA* P]SON4 ,BUT ?IS >GUM5T1 JU/IFY+ 9 MY 
EYES ! QUE]NESS ( MU* ON ! RITUAL SIDE ( RELIGION1 DID NOT 
SUFFICE TO ALL[ ME 9 ! ONE GREAT AFFAIR ( LIFE - RELIGION - 
TO DO ?+S :I* SEEM$ TO ME QUE/IONABLE4 ,) ALL MY S\L ,I 
WI%$ TO BE 9 A POSITION TO M+LE ) ! PEOPLE1 FULFILL+ 
! RITUAL SIDE ( !IR RELIGION2 BUT ,I C\LD NOT DO IT4 ,I FELT 
?AT ,I %\LD LIE TO MYSELF & MOCK AT :AT WAS SACR$ TO ME1 W]E 
,I TO DO SO4 ,AT ?IS PO9T1 H[EV]1 \R NEW ,RUSSIAN !OLOGICAL 
WRIT]S CAME TO MY RESCUE4 

,ACCORD+ TO ! EXPLANATION !SE !OLOGIANS GAVE1 ! 
FUNDAM5TAL DOGMA ( \R FAI? IS ! 9FALLIBILITY ( ! ,*UR*4  
,FROM ! ADMISSION ( ?AT DOGMA FOLL[S 9EVITABLY ! TRU? ( 
ALL ?AT IS PR(ESS$ BY ! ,*UR*4 ,! ,*UR* AS AN ASSEMBLY ( 
TRUE BELIEV]S UNIT$ BY LOVE & !RE=E POSSESS$ ( TRUE 
KN[L$GE BECAME ! BASIS ( MY BELIEF4 ,I TOLD MYSELF ?AT DIV9E 
TRU? CANNOT BE ACCESSIBLE TO A SEP>ATE 9DIVIDUAL2 IT IS REVEAL$ 
ONLY TO ! :OLE ASSEMBLY ( PEOPLE UNIT$ BY LOVE4 ,TO ATTA9 
TRU? ONE MU/ NOT SEP>ATE1 & 9 ORD] NOT TO SEP>ATE ONE MU/ 
LOVE & MU/ 5DURE ?+S ONE MAY NOT AGREE )4 

,TRU? REVEALS ITSELF TO LOVE1 & IF Y\ DO NOT SUBMIT TO ! 
RITES ( ! ,*UR* Y\ TRANSGRESS AGA9/ LOVE2 & BY 
TRANSGRESS+ AGA9/ LOVE Y\ DEPRIVE Y\RSELF ( ! POSSIBILITY 
( RECOGNIZ+ ! TRU?4 ,I DID NOT !N SEE ! SOPHI/RY 
CONTA9$ 9 ?IS >GUM5T4 ,I DID NOT SEE ?AT UNION 9 LOVE MAY 
GIVE ! GREATE/ LOVE1 BUT C]TA9LY CANNOT GIVE US DIV9E TRU? 
EXPRESS$ 9 ! DEF9ITE WORDS ( ! ,NIC5E ,CRE$4 ,I ALSO DID 
NOT P]CEIVE ?AT LOVE CANNOT MAKE A C]TA9 EXPRESSION ( TRU? AN 
OBLIGATORY CONDITION ( UNION4 ,I DID NOT !N SEE !SE MI/AKES 
9 ! >GUM5T & ?ANKS TO IT WAS ABLE TO ACCEPT & P]=M ALL 
! RITES ( ! ,OR?ODOX ,*UR* )\T UND]/&+ MO/ ( 
!M4 ,I !N TRI$ ) ALL /R5G? ( MY S\L TO AVOID ALL 
>GUM5TS & CONTRADICTIONS1 & TRI$ TO EXPLA9 AS REASONABLY AS 
POSSIBLE ! ,*UR* /ATEM5TS ,I 5C\NT]$4 

,:5 FULFILL+ ! RITES ( ! ,*UR* ,I HUMBL$ MY REASON 
& SUBMITT$ TO ! TRADITION POSSESS$ BY ALL HUMANITY4 ,I UNIT$ 
MYSELF ) MY =EFA!RS3 ! FA!R1 MO!R1 & GR&P>5TS ,I 
LOV$4 ,!Y & ALL MY PR$ECESSORS BELIEV$ & LIV$1 & !Y 
PRODUC$ ME4 ,I UNIT$ MYSELF ALSO ) ! MISSIONS ( ! COMMON 
PEOPLE :OM ,I RESPECT$4 ,MOVEOV]1 ?OSE ACTIONS HAD NO?+ BAD 
9 !MSELVES 70BAD0 ,I CONSID]$ ! 9DULG5CE ( ONE'S DESIRES74  
,:5 RIS+ E>LY = ,*UR* S]VICES ,I KNEW ,I WAS DO+ WELL1 IF 
ONLY BECAUSE ,I WAS SACRIFIC+ MY BODILY EASE TO HUMBLE MY M5TAL 
PRIDE1 = ! SAKE ( UNION ) MY ANCE/ORS & CONTEMPOR>IES1 
& = ! SAKE ( F9D+ ! MEAN+ ( LIFE4 ,IT WAS ! SAME 
) MY PREP>ATIONS TO RECEIVE ,COMMUNION1 & ) ! DAILY 
READ+ ( PRAY]S ) G5UFLECTIONS1 & ALSO ) ! OBS]VANCE 
( ALL ! FA/S4 ,H[EV] 9SIGNIFICANT !SE SACRIFICES MI<T BE 
,I MADE !M = ! SAKE ( SOME?+ GOOD4 ,I FA/$1 PREP>$ = 
,COMMUNION1 & OBS]V$ ! FIX$ H\RS ( PRAY] AT HOME & 9 
*UR*4 ,DUR+ ,*UR* S]VICE ,I ATT5D$ TO EV]Y WORD1 & GAVE 
!M A MEAN+ :5EV] ,I C\LD4 ,9 ! ,MASS ! MO/ IMPORTANT 
WORDS = ME W]E3 0,LET US LOVE ONE ANO!R 9 CON=MITY60 ,! 
FUR!R WORDS1 0,9 UNITY WE BELIEVE 9 ! ,FA!R1 ! ,SON1 & 
,HOLY ,<O/01 ,I PASS$ BY1 BECAUSE ,I C\LD NOT UND]/& !M4 

7,S\RCE3 ,A ,CONFESSION1 BY ,LEV ,NIKOLAYEVI* ,TOL/OY1 ,DI/RIBUT$ BY ! ,TOL/OY ,LIBR>Y ,ONL9E1 ,FIR/ DI/RIBUT$ 9 ,RUSSIA 9 #a#h#h#b1 FIR/ PUBLI%$ 9 #a#h#h#d47 

O ,P>T #ad 

,9 WAS !N SO NECESS>Y = ME TO BELIEVE 9 ORD] TO LIVE 
?AT ,I UNCONSCI\SLY CONCEAL$ FROM MYSELF ! CONTRADICTIONS & 
OBSCURITIES ( !OLOGY4 BUT ?IS READ+ ( MEAN+S 9TO ! 
RITES HAD ITS LIMITS4 ,IF ! *IEF WORDS 9 ! PRAY] = ! 
,EMP]OR BECAME MORE & MORE CLE> TO ME1 IF ,I F\ND SOME 
EXPLANATION = ! WORDS 0& REMEMB]+ \R ,SOV]EIGN ,MO/-,HOLY 
,MO!R ( ,GOD & ALL ! ,SA9TS1 \RSELVES & ONE ANO!R1 WE 
GIVE \R :OLE LIFE TO ,*RI/ \R ,GOD01 IF ,I EXPLA9$ TO MYSELF 
! FREQU5T REPETITION ( PRAY]S = ! ,CZ> & HIS RELATIONS 
BY ! FACT ?AT !Y >E MORE EXPOS$ TO TEMPTATIONS ?AN O!R 
PEOPLE & !RE=E >E MORE 9 NE$ ( BE+ PRAY$ = - ! 
PRAY]S AB\T SUBDU+ \R 5EMIES & EVIL UND] \R FEET 7EV5 IF 
ONE TRI$ TO SAY ?AT "9S9"9 WAS ! 5EMY PRAY$ AGA9/71 !SE 
& O!R PRAY]S1 SU* AS ! 0*]UBIC SONG0 & ! :OLE 
SACRAM5T ( OBLATION1 OR 0! *OS5 ,W>RIORS01 ETC4 - QUITE TWO- 
?IRDS ( ALL ! S]VICES - EI!R REMA9$ COMPLETELY 
9COMPREH5SIBLE OR1 :5 ,I =C$ AN EXPLANATION 9TO !M1 MADE 
ME FEEL ?AT ,I WAS LY+1 !REBY QUITE DE/ROY+ MY RELATION TO 
,GOD & DEPRIV+ ME ( ALL POSSIBILITY ( BELIEF4 

,I FELT ! SAME AB\T ! CELEBRATION ( ! *IEF HOLIDAYS4  
,TO REMEMB] ! ,SABBA?1 ?AT IS TO DEVOTE ONE DAY TO ,GOD1 WAS 
SOME?+ ,I C\LD UND]/&4 ,BUT ! *IEF HOLIDAY WAS 9 
COMMEMORATION ( ! ,RESURRECTION1 ! REALITY ( :I* ,I C\LD NOT 
PICTURE TO MYSELF OR UND]/&4 ,& ?AT NAME ( 0,RESURRECTION0 
WAS ALSO GIV5 ! WEEKLY HOLIDAY4 .<,FOOTNOTE3 ,9 ,RUSSIA ,SUNDAY 
WAS CALL$ ,RESURRECTION-DAY4 - ,A4 ,M4.> ,& ON ?OSE DAYS ! 
,SACRAM5T ( ! ,EU*>I/ WAS ADM9I/]$1 :I* WAS QUITE 
UN9TELLIGIBLE TO ME4 ,! RE/ ( ! TWELVE GREAT HOLIDAYS1 
EXCEPT ,*RI/MAS1 COMMEMORAT$ MIRACLES - ! ?+S ,I TRI$ NOT 
TO ?9K AB\T 9 ORD] NOT TO D5Y3 ! ,ASC5SION1 ,P5TECO/1 
,EPIPHANY1 ! ,FEA/ ( ! ,9T]CESSION ( ! ,HOLY ,VIRG91 ETC4  
,AT ! CELEBRATION ( !SE HOLIDAYS1 FEEL+ ?AT IMPORTANCE WAS 
BE+ ATTRIBUT$ TO ! V]Y ?+S ?AT TO ME PRES5T$ A NEGATIVE 
IMPORTANCE1 ,I EI!R DEVIS$ TRANQUILIZ+ EXPLANATIONS OR %UT MY 
EYES 9 ORD] NOT TO SEE :AT TEMPT$ ME4 

,MO/ ( ALL ?IS HAPP5$ TO ME :5 TAK+ P>T 9 ! MO/ 
USUAL ,SACRAM5TS1 :I* >E CONSID]$ ! MO/ IMPORTANT3 BAPTISM 
& COMMUNION4 ,!RE ,I 5C\NT]$ NOT 9COMPREH5SIBLE BUT FULLY 
COMPREH5SIBLE DO+S3 DO+S :I* SEEM$ TO ME TO LEAD 9TO 
TEMPTATION1 & ,I WAS 9 A DILEMMA - :E!R TO LIE OR TO REJECT 
!M4 

,NEV] %ALL ,I =GE ! PA9FUL FEEL+ ,I EXP]I5C$ ! DAY 
,I RECEIV$ ! ,EU*>I/ = ! FIR/ TIME AFT] MANY YE>S4 ,! 
S]VICE1 CONFESSION1 & PRAY]S W]E QUITE 9TELLIGIBLE & 
PRODUC$ 9 ME A GLAD CONSCI\SNESS ?AT ! MEAN+ ( LIFE WAS 
BE+ REVEAL$ TO ME4 ,! ,COMMUNION ITSELF ,I EXPLA9$ AS AN ACT 
P]=M$ 9 REMEMBRANCE ( ,*RI/1 & 9DICAT+ A PURIFICATION 
FROM S9 & ! FULL ACCEPTANCE ( ,*RI/'S TEA*+4 ,IF ?AT 
EXPLANATION WAS >TIFICIAL ,I DID NOT NOTICE ITS >TIFICIALITY3 SO 
HAPPY WAS ,I AT HUMBL+ & ABAS+ MYSELF BE=E ! PRIE/ - A 
SIMPLE1 TIMID C\NTRY CL]GYMAN - TURN+ ALL ! DIRT \T ( MY 
S\L & CONFESS+ MY VISES1 SO GLAD WAS ,I TO M]GE 9 ?\<T 
) ! HUMILITY ( ! FA!RS :O WROTE ! PRAY]S ( ! 
(FICE1 SO GLAD WAS ,I ( UNION ) ALL :O HAVE BELIEV$ & N[ 
BELIEVE1 ?AT ,I DID NOT NOTICE ! >TIFICIALITY ( MY EXPLANATION4  
,BUT :5 ,I APPROA*$ ! ALT> GATES1 & ! PRIE/ MADE ME SAY 
?AT ,I BELIEV$ ?AT :AT ,I WAS AB\T TO SWALL[ WAS TRULY FLE% 
& BLOOD1 ,I FELT A PA9 9 MY HE>T3 IT WAS NOT M]ELY A FALSE 
NOTE1 IT WAS A CRUEL DEM& MADE BY SOMEONE OR O!R :O EVID5TLY 
HAD NEV] KN[N :AT FAI? IS4 

,I N[ P]MIT MYSELF TO SAY ?AT IT WAS A CRUEL DEM&1 BUT ,I 
DID NOT !N ?9K SO3 ONLY IT WAS 9DESCRIBABLY PA9FUL TO ME4 ,I 
WAS NO LONG] 9 ! POSITION 9 :I* ,I HAD BE5 9 Y\? :5 ,I 
?\<T ALL 9 LIFE WAS CLE>2 ,I HAD 9DE$ COME TO FAI? BECAUSE1 
AP>T FROM FAI?1 ,I HAD F\ND NO?+1 C]TA9LY NO?+1 EXCEPT 
DE/RUCTION2 !RE=E TO ?R[ AWAY ?AT FAI? WAS IMPOSSIBLE & 
,I SUBMITT$4 ,& ,I F\ND 9 MY S\L A FEEL+ :I* HELP$ ME TO 
5DURE IT4 ,?IS WAS ! FEEL+ ( SELF-ABASEM5T & HUMILITY4  
,I HUMBL$ MYSELF1 SWALL[$ ?AT FLE% & BLOOD )\T ANY 
BLASPHEM\S FEEL+S & ) A WI% TO BELIEVE4 ,BUT ! BL[ HAD 
BE5 /RUCK &1 KN[+ :AT AWAIT$ ME1 ,I C\LD NOT GO A SECOND 
TIME4 

,I CONT9U$ TO FULFILL ! RITES ( ! ,*UR* & /ILL 
BELIEV$ ?AT ! DOCTR9E ,I WAS FOLL[+ CONTA9$ ! TRU?1 
:5 SOME?+ HAPP5$ TO ME :I* ,I N[ UND]/& BUT :I* !N 
SEEM$ /RANGE4 

,I WAS LI/5+ TO ! CONV]SATION ( AN ILLIT]ATE PEASANT1 
A PILGRIM1 AB\T ,GOD1 FAI?1 LIFE1 & SALVATION1 :5 A KN[L$GE 
( FAI? REVEAL$ ITSELF TO ME4 ,I DREW NE> TO ! PEOPLE1 
LI/5+ TO !IR OP9IONS ( LIFE & FAI?1 & ,I UND]/OOD ! 
TRU? MORE & MORE4 ,SO ALSO WAS IT :5 ,I READ ! ,LIVES ( ,HOLY 
M51 :I* BECAME MY FAVORITE BOOKS4 ,PUTT+ ASIDE ! MIRACLES 
& REG>D+ !M AS FABLES ILLU/RAT+ ?\<TS1 ?IS READ+ 
REVEAL$ TO ME LIFE'S MEAN+4 ,!RE W]E ! LIVES ( ,MAK>IUS 
! ,GREAT1 ! /ORY ( ,BUDDHA1 !RE W]E ! WORDS ( ,/4 ,JOHN 
,*RYSO/OM1 & !RE W]E ! /ORIES ( ! TRAVEL] 9 ! 
WELL1 ! MONK :O F\ND SOME GOLD1 & ( ,PET] ! PUBLICAN4  
,!RE W]E /ORIES ( ! M>TYRS1 ALL ANN\NC+ ?AT DEA? DOES 
NOT EXCLUDE LIFE1 & !RE W]E ! /ORIES ( IGNORANT1 /UPID 
M51 :O KNEW NO?+ ( ! TEA*+ ( ! ,*UR* BUT :O YET 
W]E SAVES4 

,BUT AS SOON AS ,I MET LE>N$ BELIEV]S OR TOOK UP !IR BOOKS1 
D\BT ( MYSELF1 DISSATISFACTION1 & EXASP]AT$ DISPUTATION W]E 
R\S$ )9 ME1 & ,I FELT ?AT ! MORE ,I 5T]$ 9TO ! 
MEAN+ ( !SE M5'S SPEE*1 ! MORE ,I W5T A/RAY FROM TRU? 
& APPROA*$ AN ABYSS4 

7,S\RCE3 ,A ,CONFESSION1 BY ,LEV ,NIKOLAYEVI* ,TOL/OY1 ,DI/RIBUT$ BY ! ,TOL/OY ,LIBR>Y ,ONL9E1 ,FIR/ DI/RIBUT$ 9 ,RUSSIA 9 #a#h#h#b1 FIR/ PUBLI%$ 9 #a#h#h#d47 

O ,P>T #ae 

,H[ (T5 ,I 5VI$ ! PEASANTS !IR ILLIT]ACY & LACK ( 
LE>N+6 ,?OSE /ATEM5TS 9 ! CRE$S :I* TO ME W]E EVID5T 
ABSURDITIES1 = !M CONTA9$ NO?+ FALSE2 !Y C\LD ACCEPT 
!M & C\LD BELIEVE 9 ! TRU? - ! TRU? ,I BELIEV$ 94  
,ONLY TO ME1 UNHAPPY MAN1 WAS IT CLE> ?AT ) TRU? FALSEHOOD WAS 
9T]WOV5 BY F9E/ ?READS1 & ?AT ,I C\LD NOT ACCEPT IT 9 
?AT =M4 

,SO ,I LIV$ = AB\T ?REE YE>S4 ,AT FIR/1 :5 ,I WAS ONLY 
SLI<TLY ASSOCIAT$ ) TRU? AS A CATE*UM5 & WAS ONLY 
SC5T+ \T :AT SEEM$ TO ME CLE>E/1 !SE 5C\NT]S /RUCK ME 
LESS4 ,:5 ,I DID NOT UND]/& ANY?+1 ,I SAID1 0,IT IS MY FAULT1 
,I AM S9FUL02 BUT ! MORE ,I BECAME IMBU$ ) ! TRU?S ,I WAS 
LE>N+1 ! MORE !Y BECAME ! BASIS ( MY LIFE1 ! MORE 
OPPRESSIVE & ! MORE PA9FUL BECAME !SE 5C\NT]S & ! 
%>P] BECAME ! L9E BETWE5 :AT ,I DO NOT UND]/& BECAUSE ,I 
AM NOT ABLE TO UND]/& IT1 & :AT CANNOT BE UND]/OOD EXCEPT 
BY LY+ TO ONESELF4 

,9 SPITE ( MY D\BTS & SUFF]+S ,I /ILL CLUNG TO ! 
,OR?ODOX ,*UR*4 ,BUT QUE/IONS ( LIFE >OSE :I* HAD TO BE 
DECID$2 & ! DECISION ( !SE QUE/IONS BY ! ,*UR* - 
CONTR>Y TO ! V]Y BASES ( ! BELIEF BY :I* ,I LIV$ - 
OBLIG$ ME AT LA/ TO R5\NCE COMMUNION ) ,OR?ODOXY AS 
IMPOSSIBLE4 ,!SE QUE/IONS W]E3 FIR/ ! RELATION ( ! 
,OR?ODOX ,EA/]N ,*UR* TO O!R ,*UR*ES - TO ! ,CA?OLICS & 
TO ! SO-CALL$ SECT>IANS4 ,AT ?AT TIME1 9 CONSEQU5CE ( MY 
9T]E/ 9 RELIGION1 ,I CAME 9TO T\* ) BELIEV]S ( V>I\S 
FAI?S3 ,CA?OLICS1 PROTE/ANTS1 ,OLD-,BELIEV]S1 ,MOLOKANS .<,FOOTNOTE3  
,A SECT ?AT REJECTS SACRAM5TS & RITUAL4.>1 & O!RS4 ,& ,I 
MET AMONG !M MANY M5 ( L(TY MORALS :O W]E TRULY RELIGI\S4  
,I WI%$ TO BE A BRO!R TO !M4 ,& :AT HAPP5$8 ,?AT 
TEA*+ :I* PROMIS$ TO UNITE ALL 9 ONE FAI? & LOVE - ?AT 
V]Y TEA*+1 9 ! P]SON ( ITS BE/ REPRES5TATIVES1 TOLD ME 
?AT !SE M5 W]E ALL LIV+ A LIE2 ?AT :AT GAVE !M !IR 
P[] ( LIFE WAS A TEMPTATION ( ! DEVIL2 & ?AT WE ALONE 
POSSESS ! ONLY POSSIBLE TRU?4 ,& ,I SAW ?AT ALL :O DO NOT 
PR(ESS AN ID5TICAL FAI? ) !MSELVES >E CONSID]$ BY ! 
,OR?ODOX TO BE H]ETICS1 JU/ AS ! ,CA?OLICS & O!RS CONSID] 
! ,OR?ODOX TO BE H]ETICS4 ,& I SAW ?AT ! ,OR?ODOX 7?\< 
!Y TRY TO HIDE ?IS7 REG>D ) HO/ILITY ALL :O DO NOT EXPRESS 
!IR FAI? BY ! SAME EXT]NAL SYMBOLS & WORDS AS !MSELVES2 
& ?IS IS NATURALLY SO2 FIR/1 BECAUSE ! ASS]TION ?AT Y\ >E 
9 FALSEHOOD & ,I AM 9 TRU?1 IS ! MO/ CRUEL ?+ ONE MAN CAN 
SAY TO ANO!R2 & SECONDLY1 BECAUSE A MAN LOV+ HIS *ILDR5 & 
BRO!RS CANNOT HELP BE+ HO/ILE TO ?OSE :O WI% TO P]V]T HIS 
*ILDR5 & BRO!RS TO A FALSE BELIEF4 ,& ?AT HO/ILITY IS 
9CREAS$ 9 PROPORTION TO ONE'S GREAT] KN[L$GE ( !OLOGY4  
,& TO ME :O CONSID]$ ?AT TRU? LAY 9 UNION BY LOVE1 IT BECAME 
SELF-EVID5T ?AT !OLOGY WAS ITSELF DE/ROY+ :AT IT \<T TO 
PRODUCE4 

,?IS (F5SE IS SO OBVI\S TO US $UCAT$ PEOPLE :O HAVE 
LIV$ 9 C\NTRIES :]E V>I\S RELIGIONS >E PR(ESS$ & HAVE 
SE5 ! CONTEMPT1 SELF-ASSURANCE1 & 9V9CIBLE CONTRADICTION 
) :I* ,CA?OLICS BEHAVE TO ! ,OR?ODOX ,GREEKS & TO ! 
,PROTE/ANTS1 & ! ,OR?ODOX TO ,CA?OLICS & ,PROTE/ANTS1 & ! 
,PROTE/ANTS TO ! TWO O!RS1 & ! SIMIL> ATTITUDE ( ,OLD- 
,BELIEV]S1 ,PA%KOVITES 7,RUSSIAN ,EVANGELICALS71 ,%AK]S1 & ALL 
RELIGIONS - ?AT ! V]Y OBVI\SNESS ( ! TEMPTATION AT FIR/ 
P]PLEXES US4 ,ONE SAYS TO ONESELF3 IT IS IMPOSSIBLE ?AT IT IS SO 
SIMPLE & ?AT PEOPLE DO NOT SEE ?AT IF TWO ASS]TIONS >E 
MUTUALLY CONTRADICTORY1 !N NEI!R ( !M HAS ! SOLE TRU? 
:I* FAI? %\LD POSSESS4 ,!RE IS SOME?+ ELSE H]E1 !RE 
MU/ BE SOME EXPLANATION4 ,I ?\<T !RE WAS1 & S\<T ?AT 
EXPLANATION & READ ALL ,I C\LD ON ! SUBJECT1 & CONSULT$ ALL 
:OM ,I C\LD4 ,& NO ONE GAVE ME ANY EXPLANATION1 EXCEPT ! ONE 
:I* CAUSES ! ,SUMSKY ,HUSS>S TO CONSID] ! ,SUMSKY ,HUSS>S ! 
BE/ REGIM5T 9 ! WORLD1 & ! ,YELL[ ,UHLANS TO CONSID] ?AT 
! BE/ REGIM5T 9 ! WORLD IS ! ,YELL[ ,UHLANS4 ,! 
ECCLESIA/ICS ( ALL ! DIFF]5T CRE$S1 ?R\< !IR BE/ 
REPRES5TATIVES1 TOLD ME NO?+ BUT ?AT !Y BELIEV$ !MSELVES 
TO HAVE ! TRU? & ! O!RS TO BE 9 ]ROR1 & ?AT ALL !Y 
C\LD DO WAS TO PRAY = !M4 ,I W5T TO >*IM&RITES1 BI%OPS1 
ELD]S1 MONKS ( ! /RICTE/ ORD]S1 & ASK$ !M2 BUT NONE ( 
!M MADE ANY ATTEMPT TO EXPLA9 ! MATT] TO ME EXCEPT ONE MAN1 
:O EXPLA9$ IT ALL & EXPLA9$ IT SO ?AT ,I NEV] ASK$ ANY ONE 
ANY MORE AB\T IT4 ,I SAID ?AT = EV]Y UNBELIEV] TURN+ TO A 
BELIEF 7& ALL \R Y\NG G5]ATION >E 9 A POSITION TO DO SO7 
! QUE/ION ?AT PRES5TS ITSELF FIR/ IS1 :Y IS TRU? NOT 9 
,LU!RANISM NOR 9 ,CA?OLICISM1 BUT 9 ,OR?ODOXY8 ,$UCAT$ 9 ! 
HI< S*OOL HE CANNOT HELP KN[+ :AT ! PEASANTS DO NOT KN[ - 
?AT ! ,PROTE/ANTS & ,CA?OLICS EQUALLY AFFIRM ?AT !IR FAI? 
IS ! ONLY TRUE ONE4 ,HI/ORICAL EVID5CE1 TWI/$ BY EA* 
RELIGION 9 ITS [N FAVOR1 IS 9SUFFICI5T4 ,IS IT NOT POSSIBLE1 
SAID ,I1 TO UND]/& ! TEA*+ 9 A L(TI] WAY1 SO ?AT FROM 
ITS HEI<T ! DIFF]5CES %\LD DISAPPE>1 AS !Y DO = ONE :O 
BELIEVES TRULY8 ,CAN WE NOT GO FUR!R ALONG A PA? LIKE ! ONE WE 
>E FOLL[+ ) ! ,OLD-,BELIEV]S8 ,!Y EMPHASIZE ! FACT ?AT 
!Y HAVE A DIFF]5TLY %AP$ CROSS & DIFF]5T ALLELUIAS & A 
DIFF]5T PROCESSION R\ND ! ALT>4 ,WE REPLY3 ,Y\ BELIEVE 9 
! ,NIC5E ,CRE$1 9 ! SEV5 SACRAM5TS1 & SO DO WE4 ,LET US 
HOLD TO ?AT1 & 9 O!R MATT]S DO AS Y\ PEASE4 ,WE HAVE UNIT$ 
) !M BY PLAC+ ! ESS5TIALS ( FAI? ABOVE ! 
UNESS5TIALS4 ,N[ ) ! ,CA?OLICS CAN WE NOT SAY3 ,Y\ BELIEVE 
9 SO & SO & 9 SO & SO1 :I* >E ! *IEF ?+S1 & AS 
= ! ,FILIOQUE CLAUSE & ! ,POPE - DO AS Y\ PLEASE4 ,CAN WE 
NOT SAY ! SAME TO ! ,PROTE/ANTS1 UNIT+ ) !M 9 :AT IS 
MO/ IMPORTANT8 

,MY 9T]LOCUTOR AGRE$ ) MY ?\<TS1 BUT TOLD ME ?AT SU* 
CONCEPTIONS W\LD BR+ REPROA* O ! SPIRITUAL AU?ORITIES = 
DES]T+ ! FAI? ( \R =EFA!RS1 & ?IS W\LD PRODUCE A 
S*ISM2 & ! VOCATION ( ! SPIRITUAL AU?ORITIES IS TO 
SAFEGU>D 9 ALL ITS PURITY ! ,GRECO-,RUSSIAN ,OR?ODOX FAI? 
9H]IT$ FROM \R =EFA!RS4 

,& ,I UND]/OOD IT ALL4 ,I AM SEEK+ A FAI?1 ! P[] ( 
LIFE2 & !Y >E SEEK+ ! BE/ WAY TO FULFILL 9 ! EYES ( 
M5 C]TA9 HUMAN OBLIGATIONS4 & FULFILL+ !SE HUMAN AFFAIRS 
!Y FULFILL !M 9 A HUMAN WAY4 ,H[EV] MU* !Y MAY TALK ( 
!IR PITY = !IR ]R+ BRE?R51 & ( ADDRESS+ PRAY]S = 
!M TO ! ?RONE ( ! ,ALMI<TY - TO C>RY \T HUMAN PURPOSES 
VIOL5CE IS NECESS>Y1 & IT HAS ALWAYS BE5 APPLI$ & IS & 
WILL BE APPLI$4 ,IF ( TWO RELIGIONS EA* CONSID]S ITSELF TRUE 
& ! O!R FALSE1 !N M5 DESIR+ TO ATTRACT O!RS TO ! 
TRU? WILL PREA* !IR [N DOCTR9E4 ,& IF A FALSE TEA*+ IS 
PREA*$ TO ! 9EXP]I5C$ SONS ( !IR ,*UR* - :I* AS ! 
TRU? - !N ?AT ,*UR* CANNOT BUT BURN ! BOOKS & REMOVE ! 
MAN :O IS MISLEAD+ ITS SONS4 ,:AT IS TO BE DONE ) A 
SECT>IAN - BURN+1 9 ! OP9ION ( ! ,OR?ODOX1 ) ! FIRE 
( FALSE DOCTR9E - :O 9 ! MO/ IMPORTANT AFFAIR ( LIFE1 9 
FAI?1 MISLEADS ! SONS ( ! ,*UR*8 ,:AT CAN BE DONE ) HIM 
EXCEPT TO CUT (F HIS HEAD OR TO 9C>C]ATE HIM8 ,UND] ! ,CZ> 
,ALEXIS ,MIKHAYLOVI* PEOPLE W]E BURN$ AT ! /AKE1 ?AT IS TO 
SAY1 ! SEV]E/ ME?OD ( PUNI%M5T ( ! TIME WAS APPLI$1 & 
9 \R DAY ALSO ! SEV]E/ ME?OD ( PUNI%M5T IS APPLI$ - 
DET5TION 9 SOLIT>Y CONF9EM5T4 .<,FOOTNOTE3 ,AT ! TIME ?IS 
WAS WRITT5 CAPITAL PUNI%M5T WAS CONSID]$ TO BE ABOLI%$ 9 
,RUSSIA4 - ,A4,M4.> 

,! SECOND RELATION ( ! ,*UR* TO A QUE/ION ( LIFE WAS 
) REG>D TO W> & EXECUTIONS4 

,AT ?AT TIME ,RUSSIA WAS AT W>4 ,& ,RUSSIANS1 9 ! NAME ( 
,*RI/IAN LOVE1 BEGAN TO KILL !IR FELL[ M54 ,IT WAS IMPOSSIBLE 
NOT TO ?9K AB\T ?IS1 & NOT TO SEE ?AT KILL+ IS AN EVIL 
REPUGNANT TO ! FIR/ PR9CIPLES ( ANY FAI?4 ,YET PRAY]S W]E 
SAID 9 ! *UR*ES = ! SUCCESS ( \R >MS1 & ! TEA*]S 
( ! ,FAI? ACKN[L$G$ KILL+ TO BE AN ACT RESULT+ FROM ! 
,FAI?4 ,& BESIDES ! MURD]S DUR+ ! W>1 ,I SAW1 DUR+ ! 
DI/URBANCES :I* FOLL[$ ! W>1 ,*UR* DIGNIT>IES & 
TEA*]S & MONKS ( ! LESS] & /RICT] ORD]S :O APPROV$ 
! KILL+ ( HELPLESS1 ]R+ Y\?S4 ,& ,I TOOK NOTE ( ALL 
?AT IS DONE BY M5 :O PR(ESS ,*RI/IANITY1 & ,I WAS HORRIFI$4 

7,S\RCE3 ,A ,CONFESSION1 BY ,LEV ,NIKOLAYEVI* ,TOL/OY1 ,DI/RIBUT$ BY ! ,TOL/OY ,LIBR>Y ,ONL9E1 ,FIR/ DI/RIBUT$ 9 ,RUSSIA 9 #a#h#h#b1 FIR/ PUBLI%$ 9 #a#h#h#d47 

O ,P>T #af 

,& ,I CEAS$ TO D\BT1 & BECAME FULLY CONV9C$ ?AT NOT ALL 
WAS TRUE 9 ! RELIGION ,I HAD JO9$4 ,=M]LY ,I %\LD HAVE SAID 
?AT IT WAS ALL FALSE1 BUT ,I C\LD NOT SAY SO N[4 ,! :OLE ( 
! PEOPLE POSSESS$ A KN[L$GE ( ! TRU?1 = O!RWISE !Y 
C\LD NOT HAVE LIV$4 ,MOREOV]1 ?AT KN[L$GE WAS ACCESSIBLE TO 
ME1 = ,I HAD FELT IT & HAD LIV$ BY IT4 ,BUT ,I NO LONG] D\BT$ 
?AT !RE WAS ALSO FALSEHOOD 9 IT4 ,& ALL ?AT HAD PREVI\SLY 
REPELL$ ME N[ PRES5T$ ITSELF VIVIDLY BE=E ME4 ,& ?\< ,I 
SAW ?AT AMONG ! PEASANTS !RE WAS A SMALL] ADMIXTURE ( ! 
LIES ?AT REPELL$ ME ?AN AMONG ! REPRES5TATIVES ( ! 
,*UR*1 ,I /ILL SAW ?AT 9 ! PEOPLE'S BELIEF ALSO FALSEHOOD WAS 
M+L$ ) ! TRU?4 

,BUT :]E DID ! TRU? & :]E DID ! FALSEHOOD COME FROM8  
,BO? ! FALSEHOOD & ! TRU? W]E CONTA9$ 9 ! SO-CALL$ 
HOLY TRADITION & 9 ! ,SCRIPTURES4 ,BO? ! FALSEHOOD & ! 
TRU? HAD BE5 H&$ D[N BY :AT IS CALL$ ! ,*UR*4 

,& :E!R ,I LIK$ OR NOT1 ,I WAS BR\<T TO ! /UDY & 
9VE/IGATION ( !SE WRIT+S & TRADITIONS - :I* TILL N[ ,I 
HAD BE5 SO AFRAID TO 9VE/IGATE4 

,& ,I TURN$ TO ! EXAM9ATION ( ?AT SAME !OLOGY :I* ,I 
HAD ONCE REJECT$ ) SU* CONTEMPT AS UNNECESS>Y4 ,=M]LY IT 
SEEM$ TO ME A S]IES ( UNNECESS>Y ABSURDITIES1 :5 ON ALL SIDES 
,I WAS SURR\ND$ BY MANIFE/ATIONS ( LIFE :I* SEEM$ TO ME CLE> 
& FULL ( S5SE2 N[ ,I %\LD HAVE BE5 GLAD TO ?R[ AWAY :AT 
W\LD NOT 5T] A HEAL? HEAD1 BUT ,I HAD NO:]E TO TURN TO4 ,ON 
?IS TEA*+ RELIGI\S DOCTR9E RE/S1 OR AT LEA/ ) IT ! 
ONLY KN[L$GE ( ! MEAN+ ( LIFE ?AT ,I HAVE F\ND IS 
9SEP>ABLY CONNECT$4 ,H[EV] WILD IT MAY SEEM TOO MY FIRM OLD 
M9D1 IT WAS ! ONLY HOPE ( SALVATION4 ,IT HAD TO BE C>EFULLY1 
ATT5TIVELY EXAM9$ 9 ORD] TO UND]/& IT1 & NOT EV5 TO 
UND]/& IT AS ,I UND]/& ! PROPOSITIONS ( SCI5CE3 ,I DO 
NOT SEEK ?AT1 NOR CAN ,I SEEK IT1 KN[+ ! SPECIAL *>ACT] ( 
RELIGI\S KN[L$GE4 ,I %ALL NOT SEEK ! EXPLANATION ( 
EV]Y?+4 ,I KN[ ?AT ! EXPLANATION ( EV]Y?+1 LIKE ! 
COMM5CEM5T ( EV]Y?+1 MU/ BE CONCEAL$ 9 9F9ITY4 ,BUT ,I 
WI% TO UND]/& 9 A WAY :I* WILL BR+ ME TO :AT IS 
9EVITABLY 9EXPLICABLE4 ,I WI% TO RECOGNIZE ANY?+ ?AT IS 
9EXPLICABLE AS BE+ SO NOT BECAUSE ! DEM&S ( MY REASON >E 
WRONG 7!Y >E RI<T1 & AP>T FROM !M ,I CAN UND]/& 
NO?+71 BUT BECAUSE ,I RECOGNIZE ! LIMITS ( MY 9TELLECT4 ,I 
WI% TO UND]/& 9 SU* A WAY ?AT EV]Y?+ ?AT IS 
9EXPLICABLE %ALL PRES5T ITSELF TO ME AS BE+ NECESS>ILY 
9EXPLICABLE1 & NOT AS BE+ SOME?+ ,I AM UND] AN >BITR>Y 
OBLIGATION TO BELIEVE4 

,?AT !RE IS TRU? 9 ! TEA*+ IS TO ME 9DUBITABLE1 BUT 
IT IS ALSO C]TA9 ?AT !RE IS FALSEHOOD 9 IT1 & ,I MU/ F9D 
:AT IS TRUE & :AT IS FALSE1 & MU/ DIS5TANGLE ! ONE FROM 
! O!R4 ,I AM SETT+ TO WORK UPON ?IS TASK4 ,:AT ( FALSEHOOD 
,I HAVE F\ND 9 ! TEA*+ & :AT ,I HAVE F\ND ( TRU?1 & TO 
:AT CONCLUSIONS ,I CAME1 WILL =M ! FOLL[+ P>TS ( ?IS 
WORK1 :I* IF IT BE WOR? IT & IF ANYONE WANTS IT1 WILL PROBABLY 
SOME DAY BE PR9T$ SOME:]E4 

7,S\RCE3 ,A ,CONFESSION1 BY ,LEV ,NIKOLAYEVI* ,TOL/OY1 ,DI/RIBUT$ BY ! ,TOL/OY ,LIBR>Y ,ONL9E1 ,FIR/ DI/RIBUT$ 9 ,RUSSIA 9 #a#h#h#b1 FIR/ PUBLI%$ 9 #a#h#h#d47 

,*RONOLOGY 3 
,NOVEMB] #c1 #ahha 3 ,A ,CONFESSION -- ,PUBLICATION4 
,FEBRU>Y #a#a1 #bag 3 ,A ,CONFESSION -- ,ADD$4 
,DECEMB] #c1 #bba 3 ,A ,CONFESSION -- ,UPDAT$4 

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