,P>T #d 

#ahhbahhb 

,PEOPLE 3 

,AU?OR 3 ,LEO ,TOL/OY 

,TEXT 3 

,MY LIFE CAME TO A /&/ILL4 ,I C\LD BREA!1 EAT1 DR9K1 
& SLEEP1 & ,I C\LD NOT HELP DO+ !SE ?+S2 BUT !RE WAS 
NO LIFE1 = !RE W]E NO WI%ES ! FULFILLM5T ( :I* ,I C\LD 
CONSID] REASONABLE4 ,IF ,I DESIR$ ANY?+1 ,I KNEW 9 ADVANCE ?AT 
:E!R ,I SATISFI$ MY DESIRE OR NOT1 NO?+ W\LD COME ( IT4  
,HAD A FAIRY COME & (F]$ TO FULFILL MY DESIRES ,I %\LD NOT HAVE 
KN[ :AT TO ASK4 ,IF 9 MOM5TS ( 9TOXICATION ,I FELT SOME?+ 
:I*1 ?\< NOT A WI%1 WAS A HABIT LEFT BY =M] WI%ES1 9 
SOB] MOM5TS ,I KNEW ?IS TO BE A DELUSION & ?AT !RE WAS 
REALLY NO?+ TO WI% =4 ,I C\LD NOT EV5 WI% TO KN[ ! 
TRU?1 = ,I GUESS$ ( :AT IT CONSI/$4 ,! TRU? WAS ?AT LIFE 
IS MEAN+LESS4 ,I HAD AS IT W]E LIV$1 LIV$1 & WALK$1 WALK$1 
TILL ,I HAD COME TO A PRECIPICE & SAW CLE>LY ?AT !RE WAS 
NO?+ AHEAD ( ME BUT DE/RUCTION4 ,IT WAS IMPOSSIBLE TO /OP1 
IMPOSSIBLE TO GO BACK1 & IMPOSSIBLE TO CLOSE MY EYES OR AVOID 
SEE+ ?AT !RE WAS NO?+ AHEAD BUT SUFF]+ & REAL DEA? - 
COMPLETE ANNIHILATION4 

,IT HAD COME TO ?IS1 ?AT ,I1 A HEAL?Y1 =TUNATE MAN1 FELT ,I 
C\LD NO LONG] LIVE3 SOME IRRESI/IBLE P[] IMPELL$ ME TO RID 
MYSELF ONE WAY OR O!R ( LIFE4 ,I CANNOT SAY ,I "9WI%$"9 TO KILL 
MYSELF4 ,! P[] :I* DREW ME AWAY FROM LIFE WAS /RONG]1 
FULL]1 & MORE WIDESPREAD ?AN ANY M]E WI%4 ,IT WAS A =CE 
SIMIL> TO ! =M] /RIV+ TO LIVE1 ONLY 9 A CONTR>Y 
DIRECTION4 ,ALL MY /R5G? DREW ME AWAY FROM LIFE4 ,! ?\<T ( 
SELF-DE/RUCTION N[ CAME TO ME AS NATURALLY AS ?\<TS ( H[ TO 
IMPROVE MY LIFE HAD COME =M]LY4 & IT WAS S$UCTIVE ?AT ,I HAD 
TO BE CUNN+ ) MYSELF LE/ ,I %\LD C>RY IT \T TOO HA/ILY4  
,I DID NOT WI% TO HURRY1 BECAUSE ,I WANT$ TO USE ALL EF=TS TO 
DIS5TANGLE ! MATT]4 0,IF ,I CANNOT UNRAVEL MATT]S1 !RE WILL 
ALWAYS BE TIME40 & IT WAS !N ?AT ,I1 A MAN FAVOR$ BY 
=TUNE1 HID A CORD FROM MYSELF LE/ ,I %\LD HANG MYSELF FROM ! 
CROSSPIECE ( ! P>TITION 9 MY ROOM :]E ,I UNDRESS$ ALONE 
EV]Y EV5+1 & ,I CEAS$ TO GO \T %OOT+ ) A GUN LE/ ,I 
%\LD BE TEMPT$ BY SO EASY A WAY ( 5D+ MY LIFE4 ,I DID NOT 
MYSELF KN[ :AT ,I WANT$3 ,I FE>$ LIFE1 DESIR$ TO ESCAPE FROM 
IT1 YET /ILL HOP$ SOME?+ ( IT4 

,& ALL ?IS BEFELL ME AT A TIME :5 ALL >\ND ME ,I HAD :AT 
IS CONSID]$ COMPLETE GOOD =TUNE4 ,I WAS NOT YET FIFTY2 ,I HAD A 
GOOD WIFE :O LIV$ ME & :OM ,I LOV$1 GOOD *ILDR51 & A L>GE 
E/ATE :I* )\T MU* EF=T ON MY P>T IMPROV$ & 9CREAS$4  
,I WAS RESPECT$ BY MY RELATIONS & ACQUA9TANCES MORE ?AN AT ANY 
PREVI\S TIME4 ,I WAS PRAIS$ BY O!RS & )\T MU* SELF- 
DECEPTION C\LD CONSID] ?AT MY NAME WAS FAM\S4 ,& F> FROM 
BE+ 9SANE OR M5TALLY DISEAS$1 ,I 5JOY$ ON ! CONTR>Y A 
/R5G? ( M9D & BODY SU* AS ,I HAVE SELDOM MET ) AMONG M5 
( MY K9D2 PHYSICALLY ,I C\LD KEEP UP ) ! PEASANTS AT M[+1 
& M5TALLY ,I C\LD WORK = EI<T & T5 H\RS AT A /RET* 
)\T EXP]I5C+ ANY ILL RESULTS FROM SU* EX]TION4 ,& 9 
?IS SITUATION ,I CAME TO ?IS - ?AT ,I C\LD NOT LIVE1 &1 
FE>+ DEA?1 HAD TO EMPLOY CUNN+ ) MYSELF TO AVOID TAK+ MY 
[N LIFE4 

,MY M5TAL CONDITION PRES5T$ ITSELF TO ME 9 ?IS WAY3 MY 
LIFE IS A /UPID & SPITEFUL JOKE SOMEONE HAS PLAY$ ON ME4  
,?\< ,I DID NOT ACKN[L$GE A 0SOMEONE0 :O CREAT$ ME1 YET SU* 
A PRES5TATION - ?AT SOMEONE HAD PLAY$ AN EVIL & /UPID JOKE 
ON MY BY PLAC+ ME 9 ! WORLD - WAS ! =M ( EXPRESSION ?AT 
SUGGE/$ ITSELF MO/ NATURALLY TO ME4 

,9VOLUNT>ILY IT APPE>$ TO ME ?AT !RE1 SOME:]E1 WAS 
SOMEONE :O AMUS$ HIMSELF BY WAT*+ H[ ,I LIV$ = ?IRTY OR 
=TY YE>S3 LE>N+1 DEVELOP+1 MATUR+ 9 BODY & M9D1 & 
H[1 HAV+ ) MATUR$ M5TAL P[]S REA*$ ! SUMMIT ( LIFE 
FROM :I* IT ALL LAY BE=E ME1 ,I /OOD ON ?AT SUMMIT - LIKE AN 
>*-FOOL - SEE+ CLE>LY ?AT !RE IS NO?+ 9 LIFE1 & ?AT 
!RE HAS BE5 & WILL BE NO?+4 ,& "9HE"9 WAS AMUS$4 444 

,BUT :E!R ?AT 0SOMEONE0 LAU<+ AT ME EXI/$ OR NOT1 ,I 
WAS NONE ! BETT] (F4 ,I C\LD GIVE NO REASONABLE MEAN+ TO ANY 
S+LE ACTION OR TO MY :OLE LIFE4 ,I WAS ONLY SURPRIS$ ?AT ,I 
C\LD HAVE AVOID$ UND]/&+ ?IS FROM ! V]Y BEG9N+ - IT 
HAS BE5 SO LONG KN[N TO ALL4 ,TODAY OR TOMORR[ SICKNESS & 
DEA? WILL COME 7!Y HAD COME ALREADY7 TO ?OSE ,I LOVE OR TO ME2 
NO?+ WILL REMA9 BUT /5* & WORMS4 ,SOON] OR LAT] MY 
AFFAIRS1 :ATEV] !Y MAY BE1 WILL BE =GOTT51 & ,I %ALL NOT 
EXI/4 ,!N :Y GO ON MAK+ ANY EF=T8 444 ,H[ CAN MAN FAIL TO 
SEE ?IS8 ,& H[ GO ON LIV+8 ,?AT IS :AT IS SURPRIS+6 ,ONE 
CAN ONLY LIVE :ILE ONE IS 9TOXICAT$ ) LIFE2 AS SOON AS ONE IS 
SOB] IT IS IMPOSSIBLE NOT TO SEE ?AT IT IS ALL A M]E FRAUD & 
A /UPID FRAUD6 ,?AT IS PRECISELY :AT IT IS3 !RE IS NO?+ 
EI!R AMUS+ OR WITTY AB\T IT1 IT IS SIMPLY CRUEL & /UPID4 

,!RE IS AN ,EA/]N FABLE1 TOLD LONG AGO1 ( A TRAVEL] 
OV]TAK5 ON A PLA9 BY AN 5RAG$ BEA/4 ,ESCAP+ FROM ! BEA/ 
HE GETS 9TO A DRY WELL1 BUT SEES AT ! BOTTOM ( ! WELL A 
DRAGON ?AT HAS OP5$ ITS JAWS TO SWALL[ HIM4 ,& ! 
UN=TUNATE MAN1 NOT D>+ TO CLIMB \T LE/ HE %\LD BE 
DE/ROY$ BY ! 5RAG$ BEA/1 & NOT D>+ TO LEAP TO ! 
BOTTOM ( ! WELL LE/ HE %\LD BE EAT5 BY ! DRAGON1 SEIZES S 
TWIG GR[+ 9 A CRACK 9 ! WELL & CL+S TO IT4 ,HIS H&S 
>E GR[+ WEAK] & HE FEELS HE WILL SOON HAVE TO RESIGN HIMSELF 
TO ! DE/RUCTION ?AT AWAITS HIM ABOVE OR BEL[1 BUT /ILL HE 
CL+S ON4 ,!N HE SEES ?AT TWO MICE1 A BLACK ONE & A :ITE 
ONE1 GO REGUL>LY R\ND & R\ND ! /EM ( ! TWIG TO :I* HE 
IS CL++ & GNAW AT IT4 ,& SOON ! TWIG ITSELF WILL SNAP & 
HE WILL FALL 9TO ! DRAGON'S JAWS4 ,! TRAVEL] SEES ?IS & 
KN[S ?AT HE WILL 9EVITABLY P]I%2 BUT :ILE /ILL HANG+ HE 
LOOKS >\ND1 SEES SOME DROPS ( HONEY ON ! LEAVES ( ! TWIG1 
REA*ES !M ) HIS TONGUE & LICKS !M4 ,SO ,I TOO CLUNG TO ! 
TWIG ( LIFE1 KN[+ ?AT ! DRAGON ( DEA? WAS 9EVITABLY 
AWAIT+ ME1 READY TO TE> ME TO PIECES2 & ,I C\LD NOT UND]/& 
:Y ,I HAD FALL5 9TO SU* TORM5T4 ,I TRI$ TO LICK ! HONEY 
:I* =M]LY CONSOL$ ME1 BUT ! HONEY NO LONG] GAVE ME 
PLEASURE1 & ! :ITE & BLACK MICE ( DAY & NI<T GNAW$ AT 
! BRAN* BY :I* ,I HUNG4 ,I SAW ! DRAGON CLE>LY & ! HONEY 
NO LONG] TA/$ SWEET4 ,I ONLY SAW ! UNESCAPABLE DRAGON & ! 
MICE1 & ,I C\LD NOT TE> MY GAZE FROM !M4 & ?IS IS NOT A 
FABLE BUT ! REAL UNANSW]ABLE TRU? 9TELLIGIBLE TO ALL4 

,! DECEPTION ( ! JOYS ( LIFE :I* =M]LY ALLAY$ MY 
T]ROR ( ! DRAGON N[ NO LONG] DECEIV$ ME4 ,NO MATT] H[ 
(T5 ,I MAY BE TOLD1 0,Y\ CANNOT UND]/& ! MEAN+ ( LIFE SO 
DO NOT ?9K AB\T IT1 BUT LIVE10 ,I CAN NO LONG] DO IT3 ,I HAVE 
ALREADY DONE IT TOO LONG4 ,I CANNOT N[ HELP SEE+ DAY & NI<T 
GO+ R\ND & BR++ ME TO DEA?4 ,?AT IS ALL ,I SEE1 = ?AT 
ALONE IS TRUE4 ,ALL ELSE IS FALSE4 

,! TWO DROPS ( HONEY :I* DIV]T$ MY EYES FROM ! CRUEL 
TRU? LONG] ?AN ! RE/3 MY LOVE ( FAMILY1 & ( WRIT+ - 
>T AS ,I CALL$ IT - W]E NO LONG] SWEET TO ME4 

0,FAMILY0444SAID ,I TO MYSELF4 ,BUT MY FAMILY - WIFE & 
*ILDR5 - >E ALSO HUMAN4 ,!Y >E PLAC$ JU/ AS ,I AM3 !Y 
MU/ EI!R LIVE 9 A LIE OR SEE ! T]RIBLE TRU?4 ,:Y %\LD 
!Y LIVE8 ,:Y %\LD ,I LOVE !M1 GU>D !M1 BR+ !M UP1 OR 
WAT* !M8 ,?AT !Y MAY COME TO ! DESPAIR ?AT ,I FEEL1 OR ELSE 
BE /UPID8 ,LOV+ !M1 ,I CANNOT HIDE ! TRU? FROM !M3 EA* 
/EP 9 KN[L$GE LEADS !M TO ! TRU?4 ,& ! TRU? IS DEA?4 

0,>T1 POETRY80444,UND] ! 9FLU5CE ( SUCCESS & ! PRAISE 
( M51 ,I HAD LONG ASSUR$ MYSELF ?AT ?IS WAS A ?+ ONE C\LD 
DO ?\< DEA? WAS DRAW+ NE> - DEA? :I* DE/ROYS ALL 
?+S1 9CLUD+ MY WORK & ITS REMEMBRANCE2 BUT SOON ,I SAW ?AT 
?AT TOO WAS A FRAUD4 ,IT WAS PLA9 TO ME ?AT >T IS AN ADORNM5T 
( LIFE1 AN ALLUREM5T TO LIFE4 ,BUT LIFE HAD LO/ ITS ATTRACTION 
= ME1 SO H[ C\LD ,I ATTRACT O!RS8 ,AS LONG AS ,I WAS NOT LIV+ 
MY [N LIFE BUT WAS BORNE ON ! WAVES ( SOME O!R LIFE - AS 
LONG AS ,I BELIEV$ ?AT LIFE HAD A MEAN+1 ?\< ONE ,I C\LD NOT 
EXPRESS - ! REFLECTION ( LIFE 9 POETRY & >T ( ALL K9DS 
AF=D$ ME PLEASURE3 IT WAS PLEASANT TO LOOK AT LIFE 9 ! 
MIRROR ( >T4 ,BUT :5 ,I BEGAN TO SEEK ! MEAN+ ( LIFE & 
FELT ! NECESSITY ( LIV+ MY [N LIFE1 ?AT MIRROR BECAME = ME 
UNNECESS>Y1 SUP]FLU\S1 RIDICUL\S1 OR PA9FUL4 ,I C\LD NO 
LONG] SOO! MYSELF ) :AT ,I N[ SAW 9 ! MIRROR1 NAMELY1 
?AT MY POSITION WAS /UPID & DESP]ATE4 ,IT WAS ALL V]Y WELL TO 
5JOY ! SI<T :5 9 ! DEP? ( MY S\L ,I BELIEV$ ?AT MY 
LIFE HAD A MEAN+4 ,!N ! PLAY ( LI<TS - COMIC1 TRAGIC1 
T\*+1 BEAUTIFUL1 & T]RIBLE - 9 LIFE AMUS$ ME4 ,NO 
SWEETNESS ( HONEY C\LD BE SWEET TO ME :5 ,I SAW ! DRAGON & 
SAW ! MICE GNAW+ AWAY MY SUPPORT4 

,NOR WAS ?AT ALL4 ,HAD ,I SIMPLY UND]/OOD ?AT LIFE HAD NO 
MEAN+ ,I C\LD HAVE BORNE IT QUIETLY1 KN[+ ?AT ?AT WAS MY 
LOT4 ,BUT ,I C\LD NOT SATISFY MYSELF ) ?AT4 ,HAD ,I BE5 LIKE A 
MAN LIV+ 9 A WOOD FROM :I* HE KN[S !RE IS NO EXIT1 ,I C\LD 
HAVE LIV$2 BUT ,I WAS LIKE ONE LO/ 9 A WOOD :O1 HORRIFI$ AT 
HAV+ LO/ HIS WAY1 RU%ES AB\T WI%+ TO F9D ! ROAD4 ,HE 
KN[S ?AT EA* /EP HE TAKES CONFUSES HIM MORE & MORE1 BUT /ILL 
HE CANNOT HELP RU%+ AB\T4 

,IT WAS 9DE$ T]RIBLE4 ,& TO RID MYSELF ( ! T]ROR ,I 
WI%$ TO KILL MYSELF4 ,I EXP]I5C$ T]ROR AT :AT AWAIT$ ME - 
KNEW ?AT ?AT T]ROR WAS EV5 WORSE ?AN ! POSITION ,I WAS 91 
BUT /ILL ,I C\LD NOT PATI5TLY AWAIT ! 5D4 ,H[EV] CONV9C+ 
! >GUM5T MI<T BE ?AT 9 ANY CASE SOME VESSEL 9 MY HE>T 
W\LD GIVE WAY1 OR SOME?+ W\LD BUR/ & ALL W\LD BE OV]1 ,I 
C\LD NOT PATI5TLY AWAIT ?AT 5D4 ,! HORROR ( D>KNESS WAS TOO 
GREAT1 & ,I WI%$ TO FREE MYSELF FROM IT AS QUICKLY AS POSSIBLE 
BY NOOSE OR BULLET4 ?AT WAS ! FEEL+ :I* DREW ME MO/ 
/RONGLY T[>DS SUICIDE4 

7,S\RCE3 ,A ,CONFESSION1 BY ,LEV ,NIKOLAYEVI* ,TOL/OY1 ,DI/RIBUT$ BY ! ,TOL/OY ,LIBR>Y ,ONL9E1 ,FIR/ DI/RIBUT$ 9 ,RUSSIA 9 #a#h#h#b1 FIR/ PUBLI%$ 9 #a#h#h#d47 

,FROM 3 ,FLAG4,BLACK5$4NET4 

,*RONOLOGY 3 
,NOVEMB] #c1 #ahha 3 ,P>T #d -- ,PUBLICATION4 
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